# So, You're God... **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 10, 2006, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266 "2006-05-10T20:20:10Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Happy\_Clam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3bc359/32.png) [@Happy\_Clam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Clam)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2006, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/1 "2006-05-10T20:20:10Z")
…and you get to make one message to everyone in the world, simultaneously. And they will know, at a deep, instictual level, that this is God, Yahweh, Allah, Shiva, Buddha, speaking to them, and that his/her words are not the result of head injury/dreams, whatever. Sure, they can rationalise later, but at the moment they hear them, it’s totally a “I am the Lord Your God!” moment. That’s it. No other powers whatsoever. Your stint of as God is just one message, so make it count. Now, what would you put in that message? Me: > [@God](#): > > There’s too much stuff to go into right now, but here’s three things: Don’t hurt others, for any reason. Everything else I said up to this point is invalid. And treat **Happy Clam** real nice, ok?" ---
**Author:** ![Greenback](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/2bfe46/32.png) [@Greenback](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Greenback)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2006, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/2 "2006-05-10T20:28:22Z")
At first I thought > [@](#): > > oops or > [@](#): > > Damn. Angelina Jolie is fine. But decided to go with _Bruce Almighty_’s > [@](#): > > If you want a miracle, be the miracle. ---
**Author:** ![Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cab0a1/32.png) [@Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Man_With_a_Cat)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2006, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/3 "2006-05-10T20:29:13Z")
“I’ve diabled all your weapons of self/mass destruction, rendered gunpowder and other explosives useless, fixed the damn whole you made in the atmosphere and cleaned up the oceans. Now, play nice with the resources I’ve left you, and listen to **Mr Bus Guy** , I’m leaving him in charge.” ---
**Author:** ![Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cab0a1/32.png) [@Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Man_With_a_Cat)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2006, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/4 "2006-05-10T20:31:29Z")
“…And reminded MBG to preview before posting…” ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2006, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/5 "2006-05-10T20:35:17Z")
“Teach only love, for that is what you are.” ---
**Author:** ![Ponder\_Stibbons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponder_stibbons/32/343_2.png) [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2006, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/6 "2006-05-10T20:36:30Z")
“I’m what? That’s crazy! Wow, really? OK, OK. Let me think … Is this thing on? OK, how long do I have to come up with a—” ---
**Author:** ![davenportavenger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5f8ce5/32.png) [@davenportavenger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/davenportavenger)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2006, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/7 "2006-05-10T20:38:01Z")
“Don’t be a jerk.” ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Clam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3bc359/32.png) [@Happy\_Clam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Clam)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2006, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/8 "2006-05-10T20:41:17Z")
> [@](#): > > “I’ve diabled all your weapons of self/mass destruction, rendered gunpowder and other explosives useless, fixed the damn whole you made in the atmosphere and cleaned up the oceans. Now, play nice with the resources I’ve left you, and listen to Mr Bus Guy, I’m leaving him in charge.” Remember, no powers, just the message. So it had better be a damn good message. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2006, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/9 "2006-05-10T20:43:10Z")
“Listen up everyone. The Jews are right.” ;j -or- “Knock it off all of you! I mean it. Don’t make me come down there.” ---
**Author:** ![Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cab0a1/32.png) [@Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Man_With_a_Cat)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2006, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/10 "2006-05-10T20:46:49Z")
> [@Happy Clam](#): > > Remember, no powers, just the message. So it had better be a damn good message. Then just the last part. About respecting their new **Bus Guy** overlord. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2006, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/11 "2006-05-10T20:47:08Z")
"The 11th Commandment shall henceforth be “Give each other some slack, ok?” ---
**Author:** ![DeathRayjr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3bc359/32.png) [@DeathRayjr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeathRayjr)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2006, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/12 "2006-05-10T20:50:37Z")
Aliens are real and have been stealing all the socks on the planet, also smurfs do exist and the U.S. government is hiding them in hangers at Area 51 ---
**Author:** ![Cluricaun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bb73d2/32.png) [@Cluricaun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cluricaun)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2006, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/13 "2006-05-10T20:56:29Z")
I demand you all stop what you’re doing and immediately devote all of your resources and engergies to building the biggest statue of Don Knotts you can manage. Oh, and you were way off with Jesus and Mohammed. It was Coltrane you fuckin morons. Coltrane. I’ll be watching. ---
**Author:** ![Logan\_5](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/fbc32d/32.png) [@Logan\_5](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Logan_5)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2006, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/14 "2006-05-10T20:59:41Z")
"A rabbi, a priest and a horse walk into a bar,… " ---
**Author:** ![Magiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@Magiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magiver)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2006, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/15 "2006-05-10T21:18:53Z")
I don’t need help passing judgement. Don’t make me come down there. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2006, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/16 "2006-05-10T21:18:54Z")
“Well, most of you have ignored what I’ve told you up to now, so I’ll try one last time. You must worship and obey Me. I love you all, and I want only the best for you, so… be kind to each other. Help each other. Don’t kill, injure, insult or oppress one another in My name, or because you’re different from each other in cosmically-insignificant ways, or because you covet or hate this or that tiny little parcel of land. After observing human nature for so long, I’ve come to the firm conclusion that constitutional democracy, individual liberty, a market economy and the rule of law work best; see to it. Take care of My planet in all its beauty, and use its resources wisely. One last thing: If you ignore what I’ve said _this_ time, I’ll be coming down sometime in the near future - I’m not telling you when - and _then_ there’s gonna be some heavy-duty wailing and gnashing of teeth. Neither of us want that. If anyone tells you that they know what I want, inconsistent with what I’ve just said, they’re wrong, and they’ll be hearing from Me. My blessings upon you all.” ---
**Author:** ![Giles](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giles/32/60_2.png) [@Giles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giles)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2006, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/17 "2006-05-10T21:20:09Z")
As an atheist, I’d have to say: “I do not exist. Just deal with that. But that does not mean that ethics doesn’t exist. Jesus of Nazareth was right about one thing: the Golden Rule.” ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Clam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3bc359/32.png) [@Happy\_Clam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Clam)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2006, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/18 "2006-05-10T21:22:16Z")
> [@](#): > > As an atheist, I’d have to say: “I do not exist. Just deal with that. But that does not mean that ethics doesn’t exist. Jesus of Nazareth was right about one thing: the Golden Rule.” Yeah, but every single person on earth would suddenly know that God had told them _he didn’t exist_. That’s some cosmic-level paradox going on there. ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2006, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/19 "2006-05-10T21:24:11Z")
Hi! Hello! Great crowd, great crowd! So, I just flew in from Valhalla, and my wings are killing me! Hello? Hello? I know you’re out there, I created you! OR We apologize for the inconvenience. ---
**Author:** ![Ponder\_Stibbons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponder_stibbons/32/343_2.png) [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2006, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/20 "2006-05-10T21:26:08Z")
> [@Happy Clam](#): > > Yeah, but every single person on earth would suddenly know that God had told them _he didn’t exist_. That’s some cosmic-level paradox going on there. Well, I’d imagine that’s why you only get one message. See, we know God exists because we have no proof that He exists. But after letting everyone on earth know You exist via a bona fide miracle, You’d disappear in a puff of logic. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266.md?page=2)