# So, You're God... **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 10, 2006, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266 "2006-05-10T20:20:10Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2006, 9:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/41 "2006-05-11T09:27:13Z")
“Stop fine-tooth-combing your holy books for the part where it tells you to smite the infidel. Read the important stuff about loving me and your neighbour. That will keep you plenty occupied enough, believe me.” ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2006, 10:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/42 "2006-05-11T10:06:31Z")
That stuff you read in the biography thingy, y’know that thing they call the Bible? That is _sooo_ not me. Talk about taking quotes out of context and **Missing the Point.** :rolleyes: I’ve got my agents onto it now and I’ll issue a press release at my next earthly incarnation. Might take a while but. The heavenly legal wheels turn mighty slowly I’ve gotta say. So few copywright lawyers up here… Sorry for the fuck up. Yours Sincerely, God. ---
**Author:** ![Dragwyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dragwyr/32/2855_2.png) [@Dragwyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dragwyr)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2006, 12:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/43 "2006-05-11T12:56:34Z")
“Hello… testing 1…2…3… testing” ::Static and feedback:: “Uh… is this thing on? Ok…uh…Hi.” ---
**Author:** ![Grossbottom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ba8739/32.png) [@Grossbottom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grossbottom)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2006, 1:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/44 "2006-05-11T13:10:53Z")
“Kent. Kent. Wake up, Kent. I’m talking to you, Kent. I said: I’m talking to you. Yes. You’re not overworked, Kent. That remains to be seen, Kent. But we are having a conversation. This is Jesus, Kent, and you’ve been a very naughty boy. Cut the crap, Kent, you’ve built a weapon. Where is the laser now? Oh. Nothing. I want you to think about what you’ve done and repent, and from now on, stop playing with yourself.” ---
**Author:** ![Susie\_Derkins](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47774/32.png) [@Susie\_Derkins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Susie_Derkins)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2006, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/45 "2006-05-11T15:39:12Z")
“Use your motherfucking turn signal. Always. Even when you’re just changing lanes. The penalty for each infraction is five minutes in a fiery pit and/or flaying of a body part. Thanks! Oh, and for those of you who have been using them all along: you get to choose the body part and do the flaying!” ---
**Author:** ![Missy2U](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3bc359/32.png) [@Missy2U](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Missy2U)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2006, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/46 "2006-05-11T15:51:43Z")
Quit yer damn whining. It could be worse! ---
**Author:** ![Crotalus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crotalus/32/41_2.png) [@Crotalus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crotalus)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2006, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/47 "2006-05-11T16:01:50Z")
“I don’t need more or bigger churches, and I surely don’t need any money. Help the poor.” ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2006, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/48 "2006-05-11T16:18:41Z")
[Eeyore] Thank you for noticing me. [/Eeyore] ---
**Author:** ![simster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/simster/32/1047_2.png) [@simster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/simster)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2006, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/49 "2006-05-11T16:41:39Z")
Be Excellent to Each Other and Party On, Dudes!! ---
**Author:** ![js\_africanus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@js\_africanus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/js_africanus)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2006, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/50 "2006-05-11T16:52:03Z")
It is I, _your_ god, and my message is this: To live well, you must learn, know, and follow the rules of logic and mathematics; you must build your beliefs from basic axioms that stand to reason and logical inference; you must test your beliefs against reality when you are able to do so, and when you are not, you must do your best regardless; your beliefs are not sacred, they are always subject to change, because if you cannot be wrong, then there is no honor in being right; life is not sacred, because priceless is the same thing as worthless; people must face the world around them and choose as best they can, when their choices are restricted, they are necessarily done harm, thus restrict the choices of others only when sound, logical reasons justify the restrictions; though people do choose, they cannot see the future or all elements that affect them, so understand them and help them even if you feel they have chosen unwisely; you owe a debt to those who do you no harm; and humanity’s fundamental goal is to balance the elimination of poverty while maximizing individual choice. Let this message guide you and remember this: none of you are the same as the others, so do _not_ do to others as you wish done to you, remember instead that _you owe a debt to those who do you no harm_. ---
**Author:** ![mrklutz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ebca7d/32.png) [@mrklutz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mrklutz)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2006, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/51 "2006-05-11T16:56:15Z")
“Lighten up, Francis.” ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Means\_Go](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/cc9497/32.png) [@Green\_Means\_Go](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Means_Go)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2006, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/52 "2006-05-11T17:41:21Z")
[QUOTE=Grossbottom] “Kent. Kent. Wake up, Kent. I’m talking to you, Kent. I said: I’m talking to you. Yes. You’re not overworked, Kent. That remains to be seen, Kent. But we are having a conversation. This is Jesus, Kent, and you’ve been a very naughty boy. Cut the crap, Kent, you’ve built a weapon. Where is the laser now? Oh. Nothing. I want you to think about what you’ve done and repent, and from now on, stop playing with yourself.” [/QUOTE] Duuude… one of my all time favorite movies! **You are God…** Dopefest at my place!!! ---
**Author:** ![sciurophobic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cab0a1/32.png) [@sciurophobic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sciurophobic)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2006, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/53 "2006-05-11T20:05:20Z")
Stop squishing my beloved cockroaches. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Borgia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_borgia/32/156_2.png) [@Larry\_Borgia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Borgia)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2006, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/54 "2006-05-11T22:44:32Z")
Oh crap, I gave intelligence to the wrong species! Sorry, Bonobos. ---
**Author:** ![Ghanima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Ghanima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ghanima)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2006, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/55 "2006-05-11T23:16:26Z")
Hey everyone, it’s me. Listen, just disregard that whole “Bible” thing…in fact, don’t pay attention to any of my ancient scriptures. I was heavy addicted to painkillers back then. Just remember what my man George Clinton said: “Free your mind and your ass will follow. The kingdom of heaven is within.” P.S. I’m not your damn babysitter! Grow up already! ---
**Author:** ![slaphead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9bcb4/32.png) [@slaphead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slaphead)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2006, 1:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/56 "2006-05-12T13:19:32Z")
Is it OK to play them [some music](http://www.lyricstime.com/bloodhound-gang-hell-yeah-lyrics.html)? ---
**Author:** ![foolsguinea](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foolsguinea/32/14751_2.png) [@foolsguinea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/foolsguinea)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2006, 5:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/57 "2006-05-20T05:31:01Z")
“You are all my creatures, as is the snake, the insect, the grass, the mold, even the dust. This world is my child, the work of my imagination; to love me is to hold it all sacred.” ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2006, 9:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/58 "2006-05-20T09:03:38Z")
My alternative message : "Hello, everybody ! This is Satan ! Me and Jehovah discussed our old differences, and I’m afraid he had a little accident. Long story short, I’m God now, and I’m announcing some major policy changes. " “To begin with, there are now 3 Commandments; Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll. Yes, it _is_ the Devil’s music. Second, no more priests; even you shaved apes can handle three Commandments on your own. Finally, if you insist on holding worship services, remember I like fire and big explosions.” ---
**Author:** ![Silence\_of\_the\_clams](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Silence\_of\_the\_clams](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silence_of_the_clams)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2006, 12:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/59 "2006-05-20T12:28:55Z")
“Look. You’ve got it all wrong. You don’t need to follow me. You don’t need to follow anybody! You’ve got to think for yourselves. You’re all individuals! You’ve all got to work it out for yourselves!” I guess that is what I also would have said if I was God. Once. For 20 minutes. ---
**Author:** ![Boulter\_s\_Canary](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e79b87/32.png) [@Boulter\_s\_Canary](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boulter_s_Canary)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2006, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266/60 "2006-05-20T21:15:21Z")
[QUOTE=HubZilla] Inspired by the 9/11 Onion: “God angrily clarifies ‘Don’t Kill’ rule” [/QUOTE] _That’s_ where I saw it before! :smack: [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youre-god/356266.md?page=2)