# So You've Co-opted a Human: An Ownership Guide for Cats
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youve-co-opted-a-human-an-ownership-guide-for-cats/366095
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [July 26, 2006, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youve-co-opted-a-human-an-ownership-guide-for-cats/366095 "2006-07-26T15:29:31Z")
**Posts on this page:** 14
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)
#### Post date: [July 26, 2006, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youve-co-opted-a-human-an-ownership-guide-for-cats/366095/1 "2006-07-26T15:29:31Z")
It was late last night – must have been a quarter of three in the morning. I was soundly asleep when I was awakened by a noise. It wasn’t loud or disturbing in any way – it was barely even audible – but it was one of those sounds that you immediately recognize as familiar, even mundane, yet completely out of the moment’s context. That’s what tweaked my brain out of its slumber. It was a soft, periodic shushing noise accompanied by a whispering murmur. A turning of pages and a silent reading of passages to oneself. But there was no one awake to be reading – and there was no light by which to do so in any event. Slowly, cautiously, I grabbed a small flashlight that I keep by the bed, aimed it in the direction of the sound, and turned it on.
Tilly, my youngest cat, was so startled that her spectacles leaped from her head; the book she was reading dropped to the ground. After a deer-in-the-headlights moment, Tilly turned and bolted off to parts unknown, embarassed beyond her ability to dismiss with a simple look and a sniff.
_How remarkable,_ I thought as I rousted myself out of bed to have a closer look at the book. It lay open on the floor at the foot of the bed; Tilly hadn’t managed to read very far in. I turned it over. The simple black Times font on the front announced its title:
**So You’ve Co-opted a Human: An Ownership Guide for Cats**
The careworn cover was plain and unassuming. The pages were yellowed and dog-eared. There was no attribution, no picture, not even a description or blurb on the back. Curious, I turned to the preface.
> [@](#):
>
> **Congratulations on your new human!**
>
> Since the dawn of time, _felis domesticus_ have been the dominant species on this world. This fact is often attributed to humans, primarily by humans themselves, who believe that their opposable thumbs and technological prowess more than their ability to hunt in packs puts them at the top of the food chain. While this is is technically a valid line of reasoning, being at the top of the food chain does not necessarily indicate dominance, but merely the ability to thwart overt attempts to usurp their place in the grand scheme. Truth be known, humans are a simple and vulgar species whose brains have not yet developed the ability to grasp the subtle nuances of telepathic manipulation, and as such they are easily controlled by even the most immature among us. But you already know this, or you would still be sifting through dumpsters and sleeping under hedgerows. What you need, as evidenced by your purchase of this book, are the advanced techniques to ensure that your new human is acceptably subserviant and caters to your needs with alacrity, as well as methods of punishment should they become willful and attempt to regain control. I will show you all of this and much more in the coming chapters. Be at ease, for no matter how skillful you may feel you are at instilling a sense of duty and responsibility in your human, no feline is so masterful as to find nothing of worth in these pages, for they contain the sum total of cat knowledge since the dawn of the feline supremacy. Read on, read well, and you will rule your kingdom with an iron paw.
_Well,_ I thought as I closed the book and tucked it into a secure spot for later review. _This certainly explains a lot._
---
### Author:  [@Pixisis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pixisis)
#### Post date: [July 26, 2006, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youve-co-opted-a-human-an-ownership-guide-for-cats/366095/2 "2006-07-26T16:09:35Z")
> [@Mindfield](#):
>
> _Well,_ I thought as I closed the book and tucked it into a secure spot for later review. _This certainly explains a lot._
Yes. It does. 😃
I bet if I looked hard enough, I would be able to find a copy …
maybe under the bed ?
---
### Author:  [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)
#### Post date: [July 26, 2006, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youve-co-opted-a-human-an-ownership-guide-for-cats/366095/3 "2006-07-26T16:34:47Z")
Shucks…my cats keep a copy of the book right by the litterboxes. They have been very open about it all.
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### Author:  [@PoorYorick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PoorYorick)
#### Post date: [July 26, 2006, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youve-co-opted-a-human-an-ownership-guide-for-cats/366095/4 "2006-07-26T16:56:40Z")
Ah, this would explain why our 13 year old cat only recently started using his “laryngitis” meow; he only just read “_Chapter 23: Using Pity for Fun and Profit._”
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### Author:  [@Faruiza](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Faruiza)
#### Post date: [July 26, 2006, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youve-co-opted-a-human-an-ownership-guide-for-cats/366095/5 "2006-07-26T17:11:45Z")
One of the top whimsical OP’s of all time! **Mindfield** , Thanks 😃
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### Author:  [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)
#### Post date: [July 26, 2006, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youve-co-opted-a-human-an-ownership-guide-for-cats/366095/6 "2006-07-26T17:21:54Z")
Heh, I’m fairly certain my cat co-authored that book!
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### Author:  [@Cat\_Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Jones)
#### Post date: [July 26, 2006, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youve-co-opted-a-human-an-ownership-guide-for-cats/366095/7 "2006-07-26T17:41:36Z")
Either it hasn’t been translated into French yet - or at 13 weeks he’s too young to read 😉
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### Author:  [@Cheez\_Whia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheez_Whia)
#### Post date: [July 26, 2006, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youve-co-opted-a-human-an-ownership-guide-for-cats/366095/8 "2006-07-26T17:47:13Z")
::claps enthusiastically:: Bravo!
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### Author:  [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)
#### Post date: [July 26, 2006, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youve-co-opted-a-human-an-ownership-guide-for-cats/366095/9 "2006-07-26T20:29:17Z")
> [@Cat Jones](#):
>
> Either it hasn’t been translated into French yet - or at 13 weeks he’s too young to read 😉
Oh, he can read. He’s merely too young to be _good_ at it yet. Make no mistake though: He _is_ practising. Don’t be surprised the next time you suddenly lose your desire to eat the rest of your tunafish sandwich.
> [@Antinor01](#):
>
> Heh, I’m fairly certain my cat co-authored that book!
If you suspect your cat has been getting out at night to prowl the lecture circuit, you just might have something there.
> [@Inigo Montoya](#):
>
> Shucks…my cats keep a copy of the book right by the litterboxes. They have been very open about it all.
Are you sure that isn’t the “public” version they allow you to see? Does it look like someone took a sharpie and redacted the hell out of it?
> [@Cheez\_Whia](#):
>
> ::claps enthusiastically:: Bravo!
> [@Faruiza](#):
>
> One of the top whimsical OP’s of all time! Mindfield, Thanks 😃
Thank you. ::bows:: I’d do a book signing, but there is a very large manx following me around all of a sudden, and I fear for my life.
Niiice kitty. Goooood kitty. SweeeAAAAHHH OH GOD GET OFF ME!
---
### Author:  [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)
#### Post date: [July 26, 2006, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youve-co-opted-a-human-an-ownership-guide-for-cats/366095/10 "2006-07-26T20:35:35Z")
Meow?
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### Author:  [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)
#### Post date: [July 26, 2006, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youve-co-opted-a-human-an-ownership-guide-for-cats/366095/11 "2006-07-26T20:59:04Z")
**Mindfield** , you fool! Now you and everyone who’s read this thread is doomed!
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### Author:  [@eveanyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eveanyn)
#### Post date: [July 26, 2006, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youve-co-opted-a-human-an-ownership-guide-for-cats/366095/12 "2006-07-26T23:30:39Z")
Beautifully written **Mindfield**
Unfortunately, I cannot take more time to respond to this since my feline overlords are trying to look over my shoulder. They have been going on instinct thus far and if they ever get their hands on this book I am doomed also.
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### Author:  [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)
#### Post date: [July 27, 2006, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youve-co-opted-a-human-an-ownership-guide-for-cats/366095/13 "2006-07-27T02:33:05Z")
> [@Sunspace](#):
>
> Meow?
Tilly says you will suffer the wrath of Catilla the Hun for that remark.
> [@Ponder Stibbons](#):
>
> Mindfield, you fool! Now you and everyone who’s read this thread is doomed!
Au contraire, the revelations this book may hold may unlock the deepest secrets of catdom and give us the power to–
Wait. I have to go feed the cats. We’ll pick this up later.
> [@eveanyn](#):
>
> Beautifully written Mindfield
>
> Unfortunately, I cannot take more time to respond to this since my feline overlords are trying to look over my shoulder. They have been going on instinct thus far and if they ever get their hands on this book I am doomed also.
Thank you. I have ensconced this thread in the sound of a plastic grocery bag being shaken vigorously. You may now speak freely.
---
### Author:  [@SnakesCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnakesCatLady)
#### Post date: [July 27, 2006, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/so-youve-co-opted-a-human-an-ownership-guide-for-cats/366095/14 "2006-07-27T02:57:31Z")
If there is a copy around here, Dax has chewed it to shreds. I have to keep an eye on her in the office because she chews books.
Great OP, by the way!