# Some advice from the sexual virtuoso... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 20, 2006, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471 "2006-06-20T19:51:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2006, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/21 "2006-06-22T15:57:45Z")
> [@silenus](#): > > This sometimes works, but if you start imitating old time radio shows… If you have a smart girl, you might have good luck with “We take you now to the Meridian Room in the Hotel Park Plaza in downtown New York, where you’ll be entertained by the music of Ramón Raquello and his orchestra.” ---
**Author:** ![Nic2004](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/4491bb/32.png) [@Nic2004](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nic2004)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2006, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/22 "2006-06-22T16:06:14Z")
> [@Miller](#): > > What about playing with her nipples while you make noises like you’re tuning a radio? I liked to cup my hand over one ear while raising the French Resistance! She liked to call it the French Resistance for it’s undercover work. 15a. It’s jut _called_ a blowjob but in fact… ---
**Author:** ![Hung\_Mung](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a88e4f/32.png) [@Hung\_Mung](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hung_Mung)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2006, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/23 "2006-06-22T16:28:38Z")
Two things from the annals of my deep experience. One - Beware juice of the agave. Tequila leads to buttsex. Two - There is no such thing as a fat, ugly blowjob. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2006, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/24 "2006-06-22T17:41:12Z")
1. Fat girls have an undeserved reputation for mad oral sex skillz. While they cannot be faulted for lack of enthusiasm, skill is a function of frequent, intensive practice. It is up to you whether you want to give her the opportunity for practice. 2. Direct digital stimulation of the prostate is known to enhance erectile response and intensify orgasm. Nonetheless, you should allow your partner the option rather than attending to it yourself in the midst of the act. 3. The amount of time you spend on foreplay should directly mirror the amount of time you will spend on coitus. For many of you, therefore, foreplay should last for at least two to three minutes. 4. Fetishes should be indulged mutually. You should be just as willing to dress up as an 18th Century Belgian fop for her indulgence as she should be to let you tuck her toes under your scrotum while you pleasure yourself with a ripe beefsteak tomato. 5. Sex is not a game or a contest; although the one who has the most orgasms is the winner. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2006, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/25 "2006-06-23T14:21:05Z")
If a girl tells you she wants a “Platonic relationship,” this phrase, despite Plato’s well-known proclivities, is not necessarily an invitation to anal sex. ---
**Author:** ![Dunderman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ecb155/32.png) [@Dunderman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dunderman)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2006, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/26 "2006-06-23T14:55:23Z")
> [@Hung Mung](#): > > Two things from the annals of my deep experience. Heh heh. You said an… Now you didn’t. Bugger. Is this thread just for unprovoked advice or can you ask questions too? You see, I’m thinking about putting the moves on someone whose two previous boyfriends had the same first name as I. So… how do I know if he’s shouting out the wrong name? ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2006, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/27 "2006-06-23T15:22:22Z")
> [@BrainGlutton](#): > > Plato’s well-known proclivities They didn’t call it Plato’s Cave for nothing. ---
**Author:** ![Rico](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rico/32/3582_2.png) [@Rico](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rico)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2006, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/28 "2006-06-23T15:33:58Z")
\ “No honey, that’s just what they call it. You don’t really _blow_ on it…” \ ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2006, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/29 "2006-06-23T16:02:32Z")
I am \*so \* doing #1 (b) next chance I get! 😃 I already do “Come in, Radio Tokyo,” for cheap laffz. Not that it actually gets any. Come to think of it, neither do I! Maybe the two are connected … ---
**Author:** ![scotandrsn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a4c791/32.png) [@scotandrsn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scotandrsn)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2006, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/30 "2006-06-23T17:03:24Z")
Then of course, there is the eternal advice of Dave “The lovemeister” Barry: Try to remember not to blow your nose during sexual intercourse. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2006, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/31 "2006-06-23T17:28:43Z")
Is this thread really necessary? C’mon, they covered all this stuff in the training films they showed us in high school Sex Ed. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2006, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/32 "2006-06-23T19:32:40Z")
21: Don’t stand next to the bed and say “Look! I’m a towel rack” 22; Don’t say “Hey… for a women with kids you’re pretty tight” 23: Don’t take of your underwear and say “Mighty Kong awakens!” ---
**Author:** ![joyfool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2006, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/33 "2006-06-23T19:39:04Z")
Guys, if doggie style ensues, don’t take that opportunity to show off your prowess and wit by entertaining your mate with your rendition of the infamous Chicken Dance. I’m sure being kicked backward onto the floor probably isn’t your desired result. So… No, really. Just don’t. Just. Don’t. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2006, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/34 "2006-06-23T20:55:25Z")
Regaling your lady with dirty limericks does not count as foreplay, even if she laughs. ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2006, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/35 "2006-06-23T21:05:33Z")
Contrary to popular belief, the most certain form of birth control, for the male to do just before whitewashing her uterus, is to start yelling “No baby!, No Baby!, No Baby!” ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2006, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/36 "2006-06-23T21:15:11Z")
> [@Cervaise](#): > > If you have a smart girl, you might have good luck with “We take you now to the Meridian Room in the Hotel Park Plaza in downtown New York, where you’ll be entertained by the music of Ramón Raquello and his orchestra.” 😃 You might also try “This is Westinghouse KYW, the Chicago Herald-Examiner station,” especially if you’re planning anything lube-intensive afterwards. Then there’s the old failsafe: “KTIW Sexas Titty. Uh, Texas City.” ---
**Author:** ![FaerieBeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e95f7d/32.png) [@FaerieBeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FaerieBeth)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2006, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/37 "2006-06-23T21:28:19Z")
> [@Least Original User Name Ever](#): > > Contrary to popular belief, the most certain form of birth control, for the male to do just before whitewashing her uterus, is to start yelling “No baby!, No Baby!, No Baby!” Great. Now I’ve got the mantra from _Press Your Luck_ running through my head in conjunction with sex… “Big money, Big money…No whammies, no whammies!” Damn you! I had a date tonight. I shaved my legs all the way up to the hips for it. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![tashabot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tashabot/32/6250_2.png) [@tashabot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tashabot)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2006, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/38 "2006-06-23T21:49:30Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > Similarly, most women will be put off if you press your eyes to her breasts and shout “Up periscope!” Why this is the case, I don’t know; but trust me. Oh, man. Seriously, where is everyone’s sense of humor? If my boyfriend did that (and I’m willing to bet he’ll do something similar at some point) I would LAUGH MY ASS OFF, and then make a comment about “up periscope” and his penis. And then get it on. ~Tasha ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2006, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/39 "2006-06-24T16:45:54Z")
> [@Priceguy](#): > > Is this thread just for unprovoked advice or can you ask questions too? You see, I’m thinking about putting the moves on someone whose two previous boyfriends had the same first name as I. So… how do I know if he’s shouting out the wrong name? Yes, questions are welcome. In your case, I suggest you have her address you by a suitable nickname…Tantor, perhaps…or maybe El Toro…or Schlongy…You get the idea. It’ll avoid confusion and you’ll both be happier for it. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2006, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/40 "2006-06-24T16:48:52Z")
Now, let’s begin the quiz. Please have your blue books ready. The quiz must be answered in blue or black ink and in your best copperplate script. 1. When should you grab your penis (in both hands, if possible) and point it at everyone in the room while making machinegun noises? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471.md?page=3)