# Some advice from the sexual virtuoso... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 20, 2006, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471 "2006-06-20T19:51:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2006, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/41 "2006-06-24T16:53:52Z")
Do not say, “Dear Lord, please forgive me for this vile sin I am about to commit!” ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2006, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/42 "2006-06-24T21:23:42Z")
> [@FaerieBeth](#): > > Great. Now I’ve got the mantra from _Press Your Luck_ running through my head in conjunction with sex… > > “Big money, Big money…No whammies, no whammies!” > > Damn you! I had a date tonight. I shaved my legs all the way up to the hips for it. 😉 So…um…how’d the date go? ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2006, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/43 "2006-06-24T21:25:43Z")
Unless you know that the result is what you want/intend, telling her that you want her to “perform CPR on your mule” isn’t a good way to get her on the expressway downtown. I wonder how many times we can talk about sex only using innuendo and never being completely direct…I smell a new thread soon. ---
**Author:** ![FaerieBeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e95f7d/32.png) [@FaerieBeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FaerieBeth)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2006, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/44 "2006-06-25T00:10:08Z")
> [@Least Original User Name Ever](#): > > So…um…how’d the date go? Fabulous! I wore my little black dress that I adore, and after dinner and some visiting with friends, I had enough rum and coke to wipe any mantra out of my head. Sadly, I don’t think **Stonebow** read this thread, so he had to rely on his own wits and charm to get him through the night. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Hostile\_Dialect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e495f1/32.png) [@Hostile\_Dialect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hostile_Dialect)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2006, 2:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/45 "2006-06-25T02:09:51Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > Similarly, most women will be put off if you press your eyes to her breasts and shout “Up periscope!” Why this is the case, I don’t know; but trust me. Screw that–I’m going to try it the next time I get laid. ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2006, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/46 "2006-06-25T04:08:18Z")
> [@FaerieBeth](#): > > Fabulous! I wore my little black dress that I adore, and after dinner and some visiting with friends, I had enough rum and coke to wipe any mantra out of my head. > Sadly, I don’t think **Stonebow** read this thread, so he had to rely on his own wits and charm to get him through the night. 😃 Aren’t you the one with wits? No, nevermind…you said “wits”. ---
**Author:** ![Antigen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/848f3c/32.png) [@Antigen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antigen)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2006, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/47 "2006-06-25T04:40:49Z")
> [@tashabot](#): > > Oh, man. Seriously, where is everyone’s sense of humor? If my boyfriend did that (and I’m willing to bet he’ll do something similar at some point) I would LAUGH MY ASS OFF, and then make a comment about “up periscope” and his penis. > > And then get it on. > > ~Tasha Yeah, I’m with you. I don’t think I’ve had a single session with my man yet during which there wasn’t some hysterical giggling going on. Sex should be _fun_! ---
**Author:** ![Taber](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ac91a4/32.png) [@Taber](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taber)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2006, 8:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/48 "2006-06-25T08:18:57Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > 1. Muttering “3…2…1…Blast off!” as you orgasm may cause you good lady to think you are a little off the beam. Do not refer to her as “Ground Control.” Unless she refers to you as Major Tom first ---
**Author:** ![Tomcat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Tomcat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tomcat)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2006, 10:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/49 "2006-06-25T10:49:23Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > Now, let’s begin the quiz. Please have your blue books ready. The quiz must be answered in blue or black ink and in your best copperplate script. > > 1. When should you grab your penis (in both hands, if possible) and point it at everyone in the room while making machinegun noises? [raises hand] Me, me me me![/rh] When you are in a room full of furries and you’re playing Great White Hunter? -Tcat ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2006, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/50 "2006-06-25T16:54:21Z")
1. Resolved: If you get in a three-way with another man, sooner or later you’ll end up with a dick in your face. Briefly discuss both the pros and cons. ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2006, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/51 "2006-06-25T17:47:53Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > Briefly discuss both the pros and cons. If you get caught with a pro, you may end up as a con. Or is that not what you meant? ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2006, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/52 "2006-06-25T18:11:53Z")
Slight aside - I suggested the nickname “Schlongy” to my husband, which he thought was cool, and it morphed from O’Schlongy (reflecting his Irish heritage) to O’Gasmic. Tips from a woman to the male members (hee!) - keep most sex-as-sports metaphors for discussions with your homeys. ---
**Author:** ![Hung\_Mung](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a88e4f/32.png) [@Hung\_Mung](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hung_Mung)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2006, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/53 "2006-06-25T19:15:02Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > 1. Resolved: If you get in a three-way with another man, sooner or later you’ll end up with a dick in your face. Briefly discuss both the pros and cons. Pros? ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2006, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/54 "2006-06-25T23:21:57Z")
1. Is organic produce to be preferred for self-pleasuring over that produced with pesticides? Explain your answer. ---
**Author:** ![Hostile\_Dialect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e495f1/32.png) [@Hostile\_Dialect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hostile_Dialect)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2006, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/55 "2006-06-26T01:12:52Z")
1. Depends on whether or not there are pests in your pleasure zone, and whether or not you like them there. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2006, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/56 "2006-06-26T03:34:34Z")
1. In an orgy-type situation, it is rude to point at the blobs of semen on another participant’s face/bosom/stomach/buttocks and inquire “Are you going to eat that?” Explain why. 2. Which of these is the worse faux pas: a. Telling your partner that her genitalia “looks like grandpa with his teeth out.” b. Telling your partner that her genitalia “feels like grandpa with his teeth out.” ---
**Author:** ![Hostile\_Dialect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e495f1/32.png) [@Hostile\_Dialect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hostile_Dialect)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2006, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/57 "2006-06-26T04:46:15Z")
1. Because nobody wants to talk about such dirty things at a party. Better to take care of it yourself and pretend it never happened. 2. Definitely b., but not as bad as telling her that her genitalia feels like _her_ grandpa with his teeth out. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2006, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/58 "2006-06-26T19:59:55Z")
1. Briefly explain the sexual act commonly referred to as the “Whirling Emu.” ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2006, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/59 "2006-06-26T20:13:00Z")
6 1/2 ) If she thinks you can do impressions, do not move your mouth next to her ear and say “here’s my impression of a puppy” and then lick wildly. Trust me. 6 3/4 ) Tickling & sex don’t always mix, though it all should be fun. Still, naming her breasts in a fallsetto voice, “Uh-uh…!” and “Noooo…!” could keep you from getting any that night. (or ever…) ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2006, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/60 "2006-06-27T00:23:59Z")
1. Complete this statement: “If you \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_, it feels like somebody else.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471.md?page=4)