# Some advice from the sexual virtuoso... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 20, 2006, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471 "2006-06-20T19:51:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2006, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/61 "2006-06-27T00:47:00Z")
I have a question. Is it OK to fake an orgasm while I’m masturbating? ---
**Author:** ![Cyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a88e4f/32.png) [@Cyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cyn)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2006, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/62 "2006-06-27T02:29:43Z")
[QUOTE=BrainGlutton] Do not say, “Dear Lord, please forgive me for this vile sin I am about to commit!” [/QUOTE] Exception: he commits said vile sin in a particualrly vile and cynful fashion. Then all is forgiven. ---
**Author:** ![Subterraneanus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a183cd/32.png) [@Subterraneanus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Subterraneanus)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2006, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/63 "2006-06-27T02:43:59Z")
1. Remember to boil your genitals for at least three minutes when you’re done. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2006, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/64 "2006-06-27T04:05:32Z")
[QUOTE=Zebra] I have a question. Is it OK to fake an orgasm while I’m masturbating? [/QUOTE] Only if things have been going on so long that you’re getting sore. ---
**Author:** ![Runs\_With\_Scissors](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/278dde/32.png) [@Runs\_With\_Scissors](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Runs_With_Scissors)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2006, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/65 "2006-06-27T04:41:41Z")
[QUOTE=Scumpup] Now, let’s begin the quiz. Please have your blue books ready. The quiz must be answered in blue or black ink and in your best copperplate script. 1. When should you grab your penis (in both hands, if possible) and point it at everyone in the room while making machinegun noises? [/QUOTE] When wouldn’t you? ---
**Author:** ![Runs\_With\_Scissors](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/278dde/32.png) [@Runs\_With\_Scissors](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Runs_With_Scissors)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2006, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/66 "2006-06-27T04:48:07Z")
[QUOTE=Scumpup] 7. Complete this statement: “If you \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_, it feels like somebody else.” [/QUOTE] “Use your partner’s left hand” ---
**Author:** ![Rufus\_Xavier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@Rufus\_Xavier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rufus_Xavier)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2006, 4:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/67 "2006-06-27T04:50:17Z")
[QUOTE=brian\_ax] When wouldn’t you? [/QUOTE] When you’re in a room full of Columbian drug lords, I guess. ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2006, 4:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/68 "2006-06-27T04:51:58Z")
Say hello to my little friend? I think not! ---
**Author:** ![sjc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e5b9ba/32.png) [@sjc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sjc)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2006, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/69 "2006-06-27T23:16:59Z")
[QUOTE=BrainGlutton] If a girl tells you she wants a “Platonic relationship,” this phrase, despite Plato’s well-known proclivities, is not necessarily an invitation to anal sex. [/QUOTE] I may be wrong, but I believe the sex between a older man and young boy that the Greeks practiced was not supposed to involve anal penetration. Instead, the older man humped between the boys clasping legs. Recieving penetrative sex was not something a respectable male was supposed to do. There were men and boys who were “bottoms” but they were not citizens and didn’t get much respect. Sorry to ruin the joke. ---
**Author:** ![Blalron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/35a633/32.png) [@Blalron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blalron)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2006, 6:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/70 "2006-06-28T06:21:53Z")
[QUOTE=Scumpup] 1. Take your socks and your wristwatch off, despite what you have seen in porn movies. [/QUOTE] I’ll take off the socks, but the watch never leaves my wrist. Take it or leave it. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2006, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/71 "2006-06-29T18:28:57Z")
1. True of False: Love means never having to say “Please rim me.” ---
**Author:** ![Hostile\_Dialect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e495f1/32.png) [@Hostile\_Dialect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hostile_Dialect)\ **Post date:** [June 29, 2006, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/72 "2006-06-29T21:35:07Z")
1. True. In love, you and your partner should always be aware of who needs rimming and when, without needing to ask. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2006, 2:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/73 "2006-06-30T02:49:10Z")
1. Which of these is a term of endearment? a. cum dumpster b. butt-plug c. dicksocket d. all of these e. none of these ---
**Author:** ![Hostile\_Dialect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e495f1/32.png) [@Hostile\_Dialect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hostile_Dialect)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2006, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/74 "2006-06-30T02:57:43Z")
9b. Butt-plug, but only if said to a male with whom you have anal sex. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2006, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/75 "2006-06-30T13:40:44Z")
1. What do women want? Check your answers and pass you r books to the front of the row. After a short break, we’ll move on to some advanced techniques. ---
**Author:** ![Scribble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scribble/32/3317_2.png) [@Scribble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scribble)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2006, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/76 "2006-06-30T18:23:25Z")
[QUOTE=Rufus Xavier] When you’re in a room full of Columbian drug lords, I guess. [/QUOTE] Drug lords of other nationalities are usually more receptive. ---
**Author:** ![5que](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/5/3bc359/32.png) [@5que](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/5que)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2006, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/77 "2006-06-30T19:13:56Z")
[QUOTE=Blalron] I’ll take off the socks, but the watch never leaves my wrist. Take it or leave it. 😛 [/QUOTE] Well, unless you’re Captain Koons and in a North Vietnamese prisoner of war camp. > [@Captain Koons](#): > > The way your dad looked at it, this watch was your birthright. He’d be damned if any of the slopes were gonna get their greasy yellow hands on his boy’s birthright. So he hid it in the one place he knew he could hide something: his ass. Five long years, he wore this watch up his ass. Then when he died of dysentery, he gave me the watch. I hid this uncomfortable piece of metal up my ass for two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little man, I give the watch to you. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2006, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/78 "2006-06-30T23:14:49Z")
Before we move on to “Fisting Fun for Everyone,” are there any questions about the quiz? ---
**Author:** ![Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/troy_mcclure_sf/32/4150_2.png) [@Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troy_McClure_SF)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2006, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/79 "2006-06-30T23:24:50Z")
[QUOTE=BrainGlutton] Do not say, “Dear Lord, please forgive me for this vile sin I am about to commit!” [/QUOTE] _Life In Hell_? ---
**Author:** ![Rufus\_Xavier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@Rufus\_Xavier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rufus_Xavier)\ **Post date:** [July 1, 2006, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471/80 "2006-07-01T01:33:03Z")
[QUOTE=Scribble] Drug lords of other nationalities are usually more receptive. [/QUOTE] I agree. It’s been my experience that Jamaican drug lords, for example, will usually greet such a display with helpless giggles. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-advice-from-the-sexual-virtuoso/361471.md?page=5)