# Some Guy's Wife Newly Into BDSM, Can't Stop, Any Advice? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 12, 2013, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-guys-wife-newly-into-bdsm-cant-stop-any-advice/676169 "2013-12-12T17:15:47Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2013, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-guys-wife-newly-into-bdsm-cant-stop-any-advice/676169/1 "2013-12-12T17:15:47Z")
[From this Closed Thread.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=710195) The sock was not me. But I thought it was a valid question. What would you say to a person in that situation. [QUOTE=Some Guy] My wife and I have been together for nearly six years. When we were first dating we had an open relationship. We would have sex with others semi-frequently and participate in group sex occasionally, but slowly tapered off after about two years. We never had any jealousy issues, we were always open and honest. We started new careers and life just got a little too busy to accommodate that lifestyle. Fast forward to about six weeks ago and she revealed to me that she had started talking to another man she found on reddit. She told me that it was through the BDSM subreddit and the reason she didn’t tell me right away because she was embarrassed about the nature of the conversations. She was exploring some new aspects of herself and was finding that she enjoyed playing the submissive role. I did my best to be supportive and let her know that while I didn’t approve of her starting to talk to someone without my knowledge I understood why she did it. We talked about it at length and I encouraged her to explore this part of her sexuality. A few weeks later she became frustrated that the individual she was talking to seemed to have no intention of actually meeting and physically exploring what they had been discussing. She began speaking with another man she also found through reddit. This gentleman lived closer to us and was available and willing to meet in person. She met him for the first time about a month ago. This is where things started to go south. After their first meeting her communication with him became constant. Emails, texts, etc. She would often ignore me to talk to him. One Sunday night he texted asking her to come over and she literally hopped out of bed with me to start getting ready to go see him. I was very upset that she was leaving me to go be with him at a moments notice. We had a pretty big fight, but we established some boundaries. I, and our marriage, have to come first before any other person or activity. However, over the next several weeks things just got worse. She continued to spend all of her free time communicating with him and setting dates. She refused to respect my boundaries when it came to when she could see him or participate in BDSM play/games. Finally, on Saturday(30th) I had enough and was ready to leave. She made another date against my explicit wishes that our Thanksgiving weekend be family time. She begged and pleaded with me to stay. Asking for one last chance. I presented her with the ultimatum that she had to choose between him or me. She told me she would cut off all contact and put our marriage first. This past Sunday, I found out that she was still talking to him. I left and went to a hotel. I’m lost about what to do. I love her very much, but I don’t know how we can move forward at this point. [/quote] ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2013, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-guys-wife-newly-into-bdsm-cant-stop-any-advice/676169/2 "2013-12-12T17:26:44Z")
There’s a website at [www.survivinginfidelity.com](http://www.survivinginfidelity.com) that gives advice and support. It has people who have been through all manner of marital problems helping each other. ---
**Author:** ![johnpost](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f17d59/32.png) [@johnpost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/johnpost)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2013, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-guys-wife-newly-into-bdsm-cant-stop-any-advice/676169/3 "2013-12-12T17:34:31Z")
being open and honest is important. when trying new things, especially where there can be strong issues of love/relationship/sexuality then a discussion of expectations, rules, boundaries and procedures is good. having a problem solving procedure in place is good, this may seem anal to some but can be very useful (think of it as relationship lube). often when people try new experiences, form new relationships there can be intense energy. it might be similar to when as a child going to see a movie, after each movie you have an intense feeling for how it was spectacular and the best movie you’ve ever saw. realizing this in yourself or in partners and a mechanism to deal with it will be useful. talk and discuss. ---
**Author:** ![Grumman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/43a26b/32.png) [@Grumman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grumman)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2013, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-guys-wife-newly-into-bdsm-cant-stop-any-advice/676169/4 "2013-12-12T17:42:52Z")
If we were just talking about someone newly interested in BDSM, I would say to discuss it with their partner, and suggest starting with a blindfold. Whether it is the sub or the dom that is unconvinced, a blindfold is good because it is a restraint only as long as the sub pretends it is - if they get cold feet, they can just take it off. ---
**Author:** ![black\_rabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f19dbf/32.png) [@black\_rabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/black_rabbit)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2013, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-guys-wife-newly-into-bdsm-cant-stop-any-advice/676169/5 "2013-12-12T17:49:48Z")
Sounds like she doesn’t want to be tied down. Don’t beat yourself up about it. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2013, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-guys-wife-newly-into-bdsm-cant-stop-any-advice/676169/6 "2013-12-12T17:52:53Z")
I think the husband needs to make this other guy disappear. That’s the only real way to end this. I’m not suggesting it of course since that’s illegal and wrong, but its the only effective way. ---
**Author:** ![simster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/simster/32/1047_2.png) [@simster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/simster)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2013, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-guys-wife-newly-into-bdsm-cant-stop-any-advice/676169/7 "2013-12-12T18:12:12Z")
The thing about the story - the wife wants to be the sub - and it seems her new master is really (really) enjoying the master role and she’s having a hard time separating that part of it. (and he’s pushing the buttons at the right time to force her to prove her submission) If I were the spouse - I would become the ‘primary’ master - she can only go see the other dude when ‘I’ allow it - of course, that means me upping my BDSM interest as well - if he’s not willing to do that, then that is a different type of discussion. ---
**Author:** ![fjs1fs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9e8a1a/32.png) [@fjs1fs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fjs1fs)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2013, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-guys-wife-newly-into-bdsm-cant-stop-any-advice/676169/8 "2013-12-12T18:15:22Z")
What’s a “sock account?” Re: the husband, if I were him, I’d try to get into BDSM with my wife, since that’s what she enjoys so much. That might not be the solution, because wife might really want the other guy(s), especially given the fact that they used to have open relationship. It would seem to me. . . “once interested in an open relationship, always interested in an open relationship.” On further review: It seems Simster’s response is on the same page as mine. ---
**Author:** ![PastTense](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pasttense/32/14550_2.png) [@PastTense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PastTense)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2013, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-guys-wife-newly-into-bdsm-cant-stop-any-advice/676169/9 "2013-12-12T18:15:29Z")
Marriage counseling is the obvious possibility. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2013, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-guys-wife-newly-into-bdsm-cant-stop-any-advice/676169/10 "2013-12-12T18:33:42Z")
Yeah, if she wants a boss… be the boss, not the reasonable guy. ETA: hey, the post before mine wasn’t there! ---
**Author:** ![engineer\_comp\_geek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/engineer_comp_geek/32/504_2.png) [@engineer\_comp\_geek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/engineer_comp_geek)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2013, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-guys-wife-newly-into-bdsm-cant-stop-any-advice/676169/11 "2013-12-12T18:38:16Z")
> [@fjs1fs](#): > > What’s a “sock account?” A second account under a different name, so you’re pretending to be someone else (i.e. talking through a sock puppet, which is where the name comes from). It’s not a SDMB specific thing. Wikipedia even has a page for it: > **[Sock puppet account](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sockpuppet_%28Internet%29)** > > A sock puppet, sock puppet account, or sock is a false online identity used for deceptive purposes. The term originally referred to a hand puppet made from a sock. Sock puppets include online identities created to praise, defend, or support a person or organization, to manipulate public opinion, or to circumvent restrictions such as viewing a social media account that a user is blocked from. Sock puppets are unwelcome in many online communities and forums. > The practice of writing pseudonymo... Sock accounts are not permitted here. Creating a sock account is a bannable offense. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2013, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-guys-wife-newly-into-bdsm-cant-stop-any-advice/676169/12 "2013-12-12T21:34:35Z")
> [@simster](#): > > If I were the spouse - I would become the ‘primary’ master - she can only go see the other dude when ‘I’ allow it - of course, that means me upping my BDSM interest as well - if he’s not willing to do that, then that is a different type of discussion. > [@Nava](#): > > Yeah, if she wants a boss… be the boss, not the reasonable guy. If he’s already set rules and boundaries and she’s just blowing past them, I don’t put a lot of faith in this approach working. If she’s wanting/needing him to enforce those rules and boundaries in a way other than what he’s currently doing, she’s failing miserably at communicating that. And that lack of communication is going to make it pretty much impossible for them to be successful at BDSM _or_ an open relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Ellen\_Cherry](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellen_cherry/32/3600_2.png) [@Ellen\_Cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ellen_Cherry)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2013, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-guys-wife-newly-into-bdsm-cant-stop-any-advice/676169/13 "2013-12-12T21:47:31Z")
Moving from MPSIMS to IMHO. ---
**Author:** ![Kimballkid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b5a626/32.png) [@Kimballkid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimballkid)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2013, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-guys-wife-newly-into-bdsm-cant-stop-any-advice/676169/14 "2013-12-12T21:58:44Z")
Nevermind. Crass joke that, on retrospect, probably wasn’t funny. ---
**Author:** ![simster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/simster/32/1047_2.png) [@simster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/simster)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2013, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-guys-wife-newly-into-bdsm-cant-stop-any-advice/676169/15 "2013-12-12T22:18:02Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > If he’s already set rules and boundaries and she’s just blowing past them, I don’t put a lot of faith in this approach working. If she’s wanting/needing him to enforce those rules and boundaries in a way other than what he’s currently doing, she’s failing miserably at communicating that. And that lack of communication is going to make it pretty much impossible for them to be successful at BDSM _or_ an open relationship. Its a difference in attitude for the husband - right now, I have to assume he’s not yet ‘taking the role’ and is more begging/pleading/requesting - Its also entirely possible that she is ‘so into that’ that she is not considering it at all - which iss the ‘other conversation’. ---
**Author:** ![Duckster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/duckster/32/1244_2.png) [@Duckster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duckster)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2013, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-guys-wife-newly-into-bdsm-cant-stop-any-advice/676169/16 "2013-12-12T22:41:49Z")
> [@black\_rabbit](#): > > Sounds like she doesn’t want to be tied down. Don’t beat yourself up about it. I saw what you did there. ---
**Author:** ![shijinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cc9497/32.png) [@shijinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shijinn)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2013, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-guys-wife-newly-into-bdsm-cant-stop-any-advice/676169/17 "2013-12-13T00:06:12Z")
is this really about BDSM or that the husband is no longer ok with an open relationship?was this the first tryst after marriage? ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2013, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-guys-wife-newly-into-bdsm-cant-stop-any-advice/676169/18 "2013-12-13T00:40:00Z")
I’d quote him a fee for a fault based divorce. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2013, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-guys-wife-newly-into-bdsm-cant-stop-any-advice/676169/19 "2013-12-13T04:04:58Z")
> [@shijinn](#): > > is this really about BDSM or that the husband is no longer ok with an open relationship?was this the first tryst after marriage? As read it, they had an open relationship at first, but they were always upfront about it. The problem seems to be that the husband isn’t happy with the wife being secretive about the new relationship. I’m guessing where the BDSM comes into play is that the husband isn’t into it so the wife has gone somewhere else, and that’s developed into a deeper emotional relationship than the husband is comfortable. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2013, 6:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-guys-wife-newly-into-bdsm-cant-stop-any-advice/676169/20 "2013-12-13T06:01:16Z")
If the boundaries of an “open” marriage are that loose re not claiming exclusive rights over sexual partners what rights does the aggravated partner have to demand faithfulness? Where is the bright and shining line in this scenario? “It’s OK for you to have extra-marital partners but I demand to be first in your affections, loyalty etc.” Seems like an unworkable demand given that physical sexual relationships slide easily into emotional ones, and not to be sexist but this is especially so for women. If you’re going to open the door to other sexual partners you are not always going to be able to control what happens. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/some-guys-wife-newly-into-bdsm-cant-stop-any-advice/676169.md?page=2)