# Someone died. What do you bring or do for the family? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 28, 2011, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-died-what-do-you-bring-or-do-for-the-family/576205 "2011-03-28T01:31:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 2\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Cub\_Mistress](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ea666f/32.png) [@Cub\_Mistress](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cub_Mistress)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2011, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-died-what-do-you-bring-or-do-for-the-family/576205/41 "2011-03-31T02:31:41Z")
\*\*flatlined, \*\* I am so sorry for your loss. In the past I have shown up at the family home with a cleaning kit to clean the bathrooms. It’s something that has to be done before family arrives to stay for the funeral, but no one really wants to do. I’ve also offerered to baby sit for any children who are too young to actually attend the funeral. Bringing breakfast is also good. ---
**Author:** ![flatlined](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/eb9ed0/32.png) [@flatlined](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flatlined)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2011, 6:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-died-what-do-you-bring-or-do-for-the-family/576205/42 "2011-03-31T06:56:37Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > Nah, more like “royally pissed off at our classmate’s so-called friends”. The only thing which kept them all from being defenestrated was that we’d been told there weren’t any novels in prison’s libraries. > > A coworker put it well one time she was completely angry and our boss and another coworker were telling her “oh, take it easy honey, don’t get angry!” “First I can not ‘not get angry’, I already AM angry! And second, you’re not worried about me, it makes you uncomfortable that I happen to be angry and you can both piss off!” The rest of us applauded. > > Let me put it this way: when I hear people talking about “going back to their teens”, my “hell NO” rattles the windows. But hey, it didn’t kill me. > [@Nava](#): > > That is fucked up in so many ways ☹ > > I was at the doctor yesterday; since I’m new in the area, the videos they play in the waiting room are new to me, so I actually got some entertainment out of watching them. There were two on donations. One of them featured the father of a donor, saying “if you give in to this black-hole moment and you have a heart, you will eventually regret it; if you raise over the pain and anger, it will not make the pain go away, nothing can, but it will make the sunrise a bit sweeter.” I wanted to snip things for post length…but mostly all I can say is You rock!!! > [@Schoaff](#): > > If this happened it was an error on the part of the hospital and should be corrected. More information can be found at [www.organdonor.gov](http://www.organdonor.gov). At this time, there is a lot of misunderstandings happening. Most of what I know is that her family is totally stressing about the medical costs from transporting a dead person to the hospital. From what I have heard today (and I have not seen the bills), Ticktoc’s family were told that they would have to pay for the ambulance and life support until she was harvested. I don’t know. I do know that I’m an organ doner and most of the rest of us are. I also know that we will work that out when we aren’t so focuesd on the current problems > [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Cooked meals that can be frozen and reheated with minimal difficulty and loss of flavor. That is why Athena gave us casseroles. > > And you don’t use any dish you care about getting back, either. Either a disposable aluminum dish or a glass/ceramic number you can say goodbye too. Asking for the dish back is simply not done in civilized circles. You are totally right about not asking for dishes back. I’d never consider doing such a thing. If I am washing things up for them, I just put dishes in the drainer. \*\*Lynn Bodoni’s \*\*suggestion about buying crockpots at thrift stores was spot on. The families probably already have one, so if they ask, I can tell them to give it to kids or such. Nobody has ever asked to return stuff to me, but I’m thinking its mostly because they don’t remember who brought what. > [@missred](#): > > **flatlined** , I didn’t say this in my earlier post, but you and your friends have my sympathy. My thoughts are with you all and Tinker right now. > > Unfortunately, you are right about getting too used to hospitals and funeral homes. As someone who occasionally still rides and still has a whole mess of friends and family who do, it happens far too often. Thank you. It bites. A lot. I promise to give you lots of hugs and tissues next time you have to go through this. > [@mrklutz](#): > > My condolences, **flatlined**. There are no sufficient words. > > When my dad died, one of the offers I appreciated most was a friend who told me I could come over anytime if I wanted to get away from everyone – I had open license to tell everyone to piss off and leave me alone if I was there. I used your advice. I told Tinker’s daughters that we could leave and drive around without talking whenever they wanted to. We ended up stretching out in the hospital chapel and sleeping. They thought that they were required to play hostess to people they didn’t know at the hospital. Nobody really knows what to do in these situations when its their first time. Thank you. > [@Nava](#): > > Visitors offering to help me may find themselves dusting - but getting home and finding my key-holding relatives there saying “honey, we did your dusting” would lead to “give me your keys to this house, now.” I’d dust for you if asked. If you were in the hospital and your family was going to be in your home, I’d try to be in there first to remove things that you didn’t want your family members to see. I’ve got Tinkers stuff in a box in my closet. He can have it when he’s out of the hospital. I’m not sure what to do with Ticktoc’s things. I guess I’ll give it to Tinker when he’s able to deal with it, but what if he doesn’t want to see it. It seems disrespectful to just toss it in the trash, but I’m not the sort to keep sex toys for sentimental reasons. > [@RTFirefly](#): > > I’ll second this. When my wife and I got off the plane from Russia with the Firebug, my sister was there to greet us with a large pan of frozen lasagna. Having real food on hand that we only needed to reheat made our lives much easier as we adapted to suddenly being parents of a toddler. That has to be a major adjustment. You didn’t get to have the baby keeping you up all the time but not wandering around the house and getting into stuff all at once. Thank you for bringing that up. I doubt that I’d have ever thought about adopting parents need help. > [@Cub\_Mistress](#): > > \*\*flatlined, \*\* I am so sorry for your loss. In the past I have shown up at the family home with a cleaning kit to clean the bathrooms. It’s something that has to be done before family arrives to stay for the funeral, but no one really wants to do. I’ve also offerered to baby sit for any children who are too young to actually attend the funeral. Bringing breakfast is also good. A very good suggestion. Its like my friend bringing toilet paper. Something that I’d never have thought about until now. I’m learning a lot of ways to help and I do appreciate it. For everyone…thank you so much for all of your good suggestions and kind thoughts. I don’t want to have to do this again…but it will happen ☹ The good news is that the doctors say that Tinker will live unless there are unforseen complications. He’s getting moved out of ICU tomorrow. If nothing goes bad. They think he will keep his leg. They think its possible that he will someday walk again. Due to the damage to his back, he will never ride or have a normal life. The kid who did this to them is still refusing to give up insurance info or take any responsibility. His parents sent a lawyer to the hospital to tell us that Ticktoc died because she wasn’t a helmet, so they aren’t responsible. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-died-what-do-you-bring-or-do-for-the-family/576205.md?page=2)