# Someone is not interested in you, and you keep bothering her. Why? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 4, 2009, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-is-not-interested-in-you-and-you-keep-bothering-her-why/516357 "2009-11-04T23:50:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2009, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-is-not-interested-in-you-and-you-keep-bothering-her-why/516357/1 "2009-11-04T23:50:55Z")
Not you specifically (unless you do this), but I can’t understand the logic behind this and need to know what can possibly be going on in the minds of these crazy people. If someone rejected me, I’d feel too embarassed to keep going back to face more rejection. Is this some kind of revenge tactic? Make the person who made you feel bad feel bad? Here’s why I ask. So I was reconfiguring my preferences on AIM when I notice a privacy tab. I click on it then remember, oh yeah, those are the people I’ve blocked. There are 9 user names on that list. 8 of them are the same guy. I originally met this douche _six years ago_, and the most recent time he decided to bug me with a new name was in July. This means for _six years_ this idiot has kept me on the buddy list of 8 different screen names and has bothered me. Anybody care to shed some light on the possible motivations for this kind of lunacy? No need to stick with my particular example, but why in general would anyone continue to pester someone who has so clearly, thoroughly and repeatedly rejected him? ---
**Author:** ![Icarus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/icarus/32/72_2.png) [@Icarus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Icarus)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2009, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-is-not-interested-in-you-and-you-keep-bothering-her-why/516357/2 "2009-11-04T23:55:58Z")
Because the time you spent together was the most wonderful magical time of their entire life! And they are desperate to try to regain some of that magic. Really, it’s that simple. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2009, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-is-not-interested-in-you-and-you-keep-bothering-her-why/516357/3 "2009-11-04T23:58:36Z")
No, seriously… I guess I’m asking a dumb question here that can easily be answered with “Some people are assholes”? ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2009, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-is-not-interested-in-you-and-you-keep-bothering-her-why/516357/4 "2009-11-04T23:59:50Z")
In my experience, part of it is that the woman involved is too nice, soft, or weak to make it unmistakeably clear to a typically dense lovelorn male. Whatever the motive for the “let’s just be friends” line, it sends a message that is received as “I still want you around, so you’re still in with a chance”. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2009, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-is-not-interested-in-you-and-you-keep-bothering-her-why/516357/5 "2009-11-05T00:03:07Z")
What about the “Please leave me alone; I do not like you” line? ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2009, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-is-not-interested-in-you-and-you-keep-bothering-her-why/516357/6 "2009-11-05T00:03:22Z")
There also seems to be the “I’ll wear her down and she will be my friend/girlfriend out of pure exhaustion” at play. Or at least one guy 'fessed up to me that was the reason he kept bugging me when I finally asked him “why” when I’d made it clear it was “no” on several previous occasions. And then there is this guy that I sort of know who has hit on me every time I’ve seen him for … going on 25 years. And I say no. But his issue is different. He doesn’t really remember me from time to time, he hits on so many people that “cute” and “female” means “you might as well ask.” (I suspect that he hasn’t always been picky about cute or female). ---
**Author:** ![fandango](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b5ac83/32.png) [@fandango](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fandango)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2009, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-is-not-interested-in-you-and-you-keep-bothering-her-why/516357/7 "2009-11-05T00:10:32Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > There also seems to be the “I’ll wear her down and she will be my friend/girlfriend out of pure exhaustion” at play. Or at least one guy 'fessed up to me that was the reason he kept bugging me when I finally asked him “why” when I’d made it clear it was “no” on several previous occasions. I think this is reinforced by popular culture. How many movies/TV shows are made about some girl going after the “wrong” guy only to find out the one she really wants has been there the whole time. Many guys think if they stand outside a girl’s window blasting a boom box a la John Cusack, she’ll melt and realize what she’s been missing. In reality, he’ll most likely get a visit from the cops. ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2009, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-is-not-interested-in-you-and-you-keep-bothering-her-why/516357/8 "2009-11-05T00:18:35Z")
Do I have to try a _ninth_ one now? I love the games you play, little minx. 😉 But Jesus, you’re making me work for you. But by that work shall you see how worthy I am. xxx ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2009, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-is-not-interested-in-you-and-you-keep-bothering-her-why/516357/9 "2009-11-05T00:24:31Z")
It’s not limited to men bugging women because I had one of those too. We spent one evening together and after that she wouldn’t let up. She made more than several fake profiles to try to talk to me or to get me to meet her. Some had pictures and profile information that had nothing at all to do with her. It was just a way to talk to me for a bit until I figured out that it was her again and I blocked her. She was simply not mentally stable and got obsessed. It went on for over two years but it seems to have subsided well over a year ago. Man, that sucked. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2009, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-is-not-interested-in-you-and-you-keep-bothering-her-why/516357/10 "2009-11-05T00:27:45Z")
A friend of mine was playing the male in this scenario-he was convinced that the girl’s mind had somehow been poisoned against him by some would-be competitor, and that the girl would ‘see the light’ in some sense, once he had a chance to lay out his case. hh ---
**Author:** ![The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Devil_s_Grandmother)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2009, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-is-not-interested-in-you-and-you-keep-bothering-her-why/516357/11 "2009-11-05T00:32:03Z")
They do it because what you think doesn’t matter to them. They like you, and that’s all that matters. ---
**Author:** ![Arnold\_Winkelried](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Arnold\_Winkelried](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arnold_Winkelried)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2009, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-is-not-interested-in-you-and-you-keep-bothering-her-why/516357/12 "2009-11-05T01:00:37Z")
Haven’t you ever heard someone say “I didn’t want to go out with X at first, but X was persistent and eventually we hooked up / became lovers / got married?” I believe that’s the thought process involved. If you haven’t I would be surprised. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2009, 1:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-is-not-interested-in-you-and-you-keep-bothering-her-why/516357/13 "2009-11-05T01:30:24Z")
> [@Arnold\_Winkelried](#): > > Haven’t you ever heard someone say “I didn’t want to go out with X at first, but X was persistent and eventually we hooked up / became lovers / got married?” I believe that’s the thought process involved. If you haven’t I would be surprised. Unfortunately, yes, we’ve all heard these stories. Perhaps if they’d stop, we’d have less of the “[del]Harassment[/del] Persistence is key” mantra. I have not heard, however, the “She blocked my phone number, e-mail address, and 8 different AIM screen names of mine, but I kept at it and finally won her over” motto before. ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2009, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-is-not-interested-in-you-and-you-keep-bothering-her-why/516357/14 "2009-11-05T01:47:36Z")
In Hollywood and fairy tales, you have what I call the “Beauty and the Beast” template. Basically, the idea is that “Once she gets to know me, really _know_ the _real_ me, then she’ll come around!” This meme has existed in stories for a very long time, whether in fairy tales where some hunchback kidnaps the fair maiden, or in some John Hughes type movie where the geek blackmails the prom queen into dating him for one month (and then, by getting to know him, she falls in love for real! _swoon_ Oh, the romance). Heck even Shrek made fun of this meme. So with that firmly entrenched in our cultural history ad nauseum, we have guys thinking that it’s only a matter of time before he’ll win a girl over, so persistence is the key. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2009, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-is-not-interested-in-you-and-you-keep-bothering-her-why/516357/15 "2009-11-05T01:56:41Z")
Erm. Well, I’ve gotten shit about this on here before but what the hell - I’m feeling kind of feisty. My husband had to pester me for months before I would go out with him. He kept bugging me and bugging me and finally I said yes by accident (long story) and there you go. To be fair, I didn’t turn him down because I didn’t like him - I turned him down because I’m much older than he is and thought it was inappropriate. In my case, I’m very glad he persisted. So I guess that’s a reason - sometimes women play hard to get and I’m sure it could be very hard for a man to know when she really means NO versus ‘No, but why don’t you ask me again tomorrow.’ FWIW, I wasn’t trying to play hard to get or play at all with my husband. I really thought I didn’t want to go out with him despite liking him, because of his age. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2009, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-is-not-interested-in-you-and-you-keep-bothering-her-why/516357/16 "2009-11-05T02:01:17Z")
> [@Arnold\_Winkelried](#): > > Haven’t you ever heard someone say “I didn’t want to go out with X at first, but X was persistent and eventually we hooked up / became lovers / got married?” I believe that’s the thought process involved. If you haven’t I would be surprised. Yep. I worked with a girl years ago who told me “Basically my dad stalked my mother until he finally wore her down and she gave in and dated him,” and I seem to recall there had actually been a restraining order in her story, so she wasn’t throwing the word “stalking” around lightly. We were around 21 at the time and her folks were still married, so obviously persistence to the point of insanity does work in a tiny precentage of cases…and knowing this make the lovelorn hope it’ll work on **you** too. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2009, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-is-not-interested-in-you-and-you-keep-bothering-her-why/516357/17 "2009-11-05T02:03:32Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > Unfortunately, yes, we’ve all heard these stories. Perhaps if they’d stop, we’d have less of the “[del]Harassment[/del] Persistence is key” mantra. I have not heard, however, the “She blocked my phone number, e-mail address, and 8 different AIM screen names of mine, but I kept at it and finally won her over” motto before. Just to really make you all question the sanity of my family… When my mom and dad were dating she moved 2 provinces away to get away from him and he followed her there and had her land lady let him into her apartment. So, my dad is/was a stalker. However, they celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary this year so there you go. I think guys really do have a hard time telling the difference. And women really don’t always know what they want despite being normal, well adjusted, competent women. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2009, 2:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-is-not-interested-in-you-and-you-keep-bothering-her-why/516357/18 "2009-11-05T02:09:30Z")
After I broke up with my ex, he stalked me for six months. He simply refused to believe that we were NO LONGER A COUPLE. Maybe it’s just denial, I don’t know. (this was over a decade ago, thank the FSM he finally got over me) ---
**Author:** ![Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/848f3c/32.png) [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuzzy_Dunlop)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2009, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-is-not-interested-in-you-and-you-keep-bothering-her-why/516357/19 "2009-11-05T02:12:18Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > Not you specifically (unless you do this), but I can’t understand the logic behind this and need to know what can possibly be going on in the minds of these crazy people. If someone rejected me, I’d feel too embarassed to keep going back to face more rejection. Is this some kind of revenge tactic? Make the person who made you feel bad feel bad? > > Here’s why I ask. So I was reconfiguring my preferences on AIM when I notice a privacy tab. I click on it then remember, oh yeah, those are the people I’ve blocked. There are 9 user names on that list. 8 of them are the same guy. I originally met this douche _six years ago_, and the most recent time he decided to bug me with a new name was in July. This means for _six years_ this idiot has kept me on the buddy list of 8 different screen names and has bothered me. > > Anybody care to shed some light on the possible motivations for this kind of lunacy? No need to stick with my particular example, but why in general would anyone continue to pester someone who has so clearly, thoroughly and repeatedly rejected him? From your posts you seem perfectly comfortable being mean to people, so in your case the men are just assholes. Generally speaking it’s because women are bad at rejecting men. I had an intern this summer who was whining about a guy who kept pursing her. I asked how she was rejecting him and she said she’d say things like “thanks but I can’t, maybe some other time”. That’s not a rejection. Sure, if it were me, I’d get the picture after a couple tries. But Most men are grown ups. “No Thanks” would be sufficient for us so we can move the fuck on. But in your case, they’re definitely just assholes. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2009, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-is-not-interested-in-you-and-you-keep-bothering-her-why/516357/20 "2009-11-05T02:13:18Z")
> [@Antinor01](#): > > After I broke up with my ex, he stalked me for six months. He simply refused to believe that we were NO LONGER A COUPLE. Maybe it’s just denial, I don’t know. > > (this was over a decade ago, thank the FSM he finally got over me) Aha! I finally found you!!! I knew that if I kept searching, searching… Not really. Just joking. hh [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-is-not-interested-in-you-and-you-keep-bothering-her-why/516357.md?page=2)