# Someone of the wrong gender makes a polite-but-serious pass at you. Are you bothered or flattered? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 2, 2010, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-of-the-wrong-gender-makes-a-polite-but-serious-pass-at-you-are-you-bothered-or-flattered/534771 "2010-04-02T20:34:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Sigmagirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Sigmagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmagirl)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2010, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-of-the-wrong-gender-makes-a-polite-but-serious-pass-at-you-are-you-bothered-or-flattered/534771/61 "2010-04-03T21:34:29Z")
Straight female; I’d just say “thanks, but I’m not what you’re looking for.” ---
**Author:** ![kopek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kopek/32/337_2.png) [@kopek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kopek)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2010, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-of-the-wrong-gender-makes-a-polite-but-serious-pass-at-you-are-you-bothered-or-flattered/534771/62 "2010-04-04T03:19:56Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#): > > Bisexual male-what is this “wrong gender” you speak of? 😉 Sheep? 😃 (Sorry - Leviticus made me post that 🙂 ) ---
**Author:** ![Rala](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8797f3/32.png) [@Rala](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rala)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2010, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-of-the-wrong-gender-makes-a-polite-but-serious-pass-at-you-are-you-bothered-or-flattered/534771/63 "2010-04-04T03:50:40Z")
Straight female, and I’d be flattered. ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2010, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-of-the-wrong-gender-makes-a-polite-but-serious-pass-at-you-are-you-bothered-or-flattered/534771/64 "2010-04-04T04:01:59Z")
Straight female, and I have been flattered. You never know until it happens to you, and I’ve had no problem with it. However…I do think women are a bit more empathetic than men, and as such are less likely to make an aggressive pass unless there’s a reason for it. The reason might be just to annoy me, and I could handle that, but it hasn’t happened yet where a smile and a ‘Thank you, but I’m hetero’ hasn’t been the end of it. ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2010, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-of-the-wrong-gender-makes-a-polite-but-serious-pass-at-you-are-you-bothered-or-flattered/534771/65 "2010-04-04T04:04:08Z")
> [@Khaki\_Campbell](#): > > Straight male. I’d be flattered if the guy looked like, say, Edward Norton, and _very_ bothered if he looked like Harvey Keitel. That’s kind of funny, because of the two, I’d pick Norton to be more the aggressive swinger than Keitel. 😛 (I do know what you meant, though, it was just a funny mental image) ---
**Author:** ![JimOfAllTrades](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@JimOfAllTrades](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JimOfAllTrades)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2010, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-of-the-wrong-gender-makes-a-polite-but-serious-pass-at-you-are-you-bothered-or-flattered/534771/66 "2010-04-04T04:54:11Z")
Straight male. I didn’t vote because I don’t think any options quite cover me. The only time I’m aware of that it did happen I was oblivious at the time, it wasn’t a couple of hours later I realized what had been going on. I felt a little stupid, and laughed about how dumb I must have appeared to the guy. Didn’t bother me at all, but I don’t think I was flattered either. I don’t think I felt anything about it other than finding it funny that I didn’t have a clue what it was when it was happening. ---
**Author:** ![breaking-reality](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a8b319/32.png) [@breaking-reality](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/breaking-reality)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2010, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-of-the-wrong-gender-makes-a-polite-but-serious-pass-at-you-are-you-bothered-or-flattered/534771/67 "2010-04-05T15:16:45Z")
It would depend, but I’m not really sure what it would depend on. Once, on a dating site, where I was plainly listed as Straight, I had a woman contact me. Her message was very polite and sweet, but I chose to ignore it because, well, I’m straight. I was flattered by the message (and her compliment that I was pretty), but I was also bothered because (as I was listed as straight and couldn’t figure out why she would have thought otherwise) I was confused as to why she would have messaged me at all. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2010, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-of-the-wrong-gender-makes-a-polite-but-serious-pass-at-you-are-you-bothered-or-flattered/534771/68 "2010-04-05T17:11:27Z")
I’m a straight female who spent her 20s in gay bars (due to having a lesbian best friend who was not comfortable in straight bars), and it was always flattering. Made me a little wistful, actually, because for a long time the lesbians who hit on me were way better looking than the straight men who hit on me. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2010, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-of-the-wrong-gender-makes-a-polite-but-serious-pass-at-you-are-you-bothered-or-flattered/534771/69 "2010-04-05T17:54:03Z")
I am a straight male. I am neither flattered or bothered. The few times this has happened, I have just introduced myself and said that I am straight. Better to point the person towards someone else to achieve their goal. ---
**Author:** ![Oy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bc8723/32.png) [@Oy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oy)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2010, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-of-the-wrong-gender-makes-a-polite-but-serious-pass-at-you-are-you-bothered-or-flattered/534771/70 "2010-04-05T17:56:36Z")
As a fifty-four year old, overweight straight female, I’d be flattered (and surprised) if a neighborhood dog made a pass at me, let alone a human of either sex! Mind you, I wouldn’t be interested (in any of the above), but I’d be flattered, unless it was obvious that the pass was made with the expectation that of course I’d accept it because I was so desperate. But that wouldn’t have anything to do with the gender (or species, for that matter) of the pass-maker. Someone finding you attractive enough to want to have sex with you is flattering; what’s not to like, as long as ‘no, thank you’ is accepted graciously? ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2010, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-of-the-wrong-gender-makes-a-polite-but-serious-pass-at-you-are-you-bothered-or-flattered/534771/71 "2010-04-05T18:14:48Z")
Back about 28 years ago when I was in my first apartment out of school, my roommate worked with a woman who would regularly invite us to parties where he and I would be the only unmarried straight males in the place. Meaning every other guy was either married or gay. Of course, coming together, everyone pretty much assumed (given the crowd) that we were a couple. You learn pretty quick not to be bothered by any of it, and in fact, to take it as a complement. Hell, WOMEN were not asking me out and my self-esteem suffered for it. But suddenly a bunch of men are? OK, then I can’t be all that ugly or unpersonable, can I? The funniest was bringing a third friend along. While waiting in line for the bathroom, a guy came up behind him, rested his chin on the friend’s shoulder and whispered a proposition in his ear. Third Friend turned grey and bolted from the party. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![JR\_Brown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d6d6ee/32.png) [@JR\_Brown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JR_Brown)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2010, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-of-the-wrong-gender-makes-a-polite-but-serious-pass-at-you-are-you-bothered-or-flattered/534771/72 "2010-04-07T00:14:10Z")
Straight female. Didn’t vote since I don’t see the appropriate response: Neither flattered nor bothered. As long as they retreat gracefully once I turn them down I don’t care. ---
**Author:** ![Sine\_Nomine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sine_nomine/32/513_2.png) [@Sine\_Nomine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sine_Nomine)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2010, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-of-the-wrong-gender-makes-a-polite-but-serious-pass-at-you-are-you-bothered-or-flattered/534771/73 "2010-04-07T01:17:44Z")
Nothing wrong with polite interest from anyone in my book. I’m assuming polite includes “establishing some sort of rapport before making a pass.” Because there’s nothing creepier than someone who asks you out after 30 seconds of stilted conversation. The only potentially uncomfortable thing would be my worry that I didn’t let her down gently due to surprise at the situation. I’d hope that she’d believe that I really am straight and it was nothing personal. ---
**Author:** ![bearman217](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a88e4f/32.png) [@bearman217](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bearman217)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 12:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-of-the-wrong-gender-makes-a-polite-but-serious-pass-at-you-are-you-bothered-or-flattered/534771/74 "2010-04-09T00:12:56Z")
I would be flattered personally as I don’t get a lot of passes by anyone of any orientation. I enjoy people complementing me on how I look, even if that sounds girly when I say that. ---
**Author:** ![lazybratsche](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ba8739/32.png) [@lazybratsche](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lazybratsche)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-of-the-wrong-gender-makes-a-polite-but-serious-pass-at-you-are-you-bothered-or-flattered/534771/75 "2010-04-09T00:26:06Z")
Straight male. The college I went to was, how you say, _FABulous_, so I got used to it pretty fast. The first time or two was awkward, but after that I settled quickly into “flattered and bemused”. Getting groped by a drunk gay man was awkward. But that also applies to any drunk girl that I wasn’t interested in. ---
**Author:** ![Sister\_Vigilante](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9de0a6/32.png) [@Sister\_Vigilante](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sister_Vigilante)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-of-the-wrong-gender-makes-a-polite-but-serious-pass-at-you-are-you-bothered-or-flattered/534771/76 "2010-04-09T01:50:53Z")
I’m straight but I was totally flattered by a girl in a club who told me I was fine. ---
**Author:** ![Cheshire\_Human](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Cheshire\_Human](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheshire_Human)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-of-the-wrong-gender-makes-a-polite-but-serious-pass-at-you-are-you-bothered-or-flattered/534771/77 "2010-04-09T03:14:33Z")
You left off: Wouldn’t bother me, nor flatter me, as long as they take no for an answer. ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-of-the-wrong-gender-makes-a-polite-but-serious-pass-at-you-are-you-bothered-or-flattered/534771/78 "2010-04-09T15:45:04Z")
I clicked flattered for want of option “oops”. I’m straight but women hit on me from time to time. Mostly I feel a bit sad. It takes guts to hit on someone so they must be getting some vibe that it’s worth a try, but it’s not with me. Most recent incident a couple of months ago I was hanging out with a male friend and this girl invited us back to her place for drinks. I thought she was going through me to get to my mate which he regretfully pointed out was not the case. ---
**Author:** ![Infovore](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/infovore/32/420_2.png) [@Infovore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Infovore)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-of-the-wrong-gender-makes-a-polite-but-serious-pass-at-you-are-you-bothered-or-flattered/534771/79 "2010-04-09T16:37:20Z")
Straight female. For me, it would depend, but I’d probably be more likely to be flattered than offended (honestly I can’t see how I would ever be offended if it was polite and non-skeevy, but I could see situations where I wouldn’t be flattered either–such as if the person was a lot older or younger than me.) ---
**Author:** ![Zahava424](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/76d3ee/32.png) [@Zahava424](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zahava424)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2010, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-of-the-wrong-gender-makes-a-polite-but-serious-pass-at-you-are-you-bothered-or-flattered/534771/80 "2010-04-10T21:27:03Z")
I would say flattered–certainly not offended–but maybe a little weirded out. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someone-of-the-wrong-gender-makes-a-polite-but-serious-pass-at-you-are-you-bothered-or-flattered/534771.md?page=3)