# Someone's breaking into your house with intent to do you and your family harm. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 14, 2015, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someones-breaking-into-your-house-with-intent-to-do-you-and-your-family-harm/715014 "2015-03-14T23:41:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2015, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someones-breaking-into-your-house-with-intent-to-do-you-and-your-family-harm/715014/81 "2015-03-18T14:33:56Z")
If I hear someone coming in the front or side door while I’m in my room, I think I can barricade myself in my room long enough to get myself and my dogs out the window. We might break some bones (it’s a high window, I have a raised ranch) but we’d be safe from weapons. If the intruder is able to come close to me…well, we’ll see what my mutts are made of. But probably death for all of us. ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2015, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someones-breaking-into-your-house-with-intent-to-do-you-and-your-family-harm/715014/82 "2015-03-18T16:20:58Z")
> [@lorene](#): > > So the same spouse who is disabled to the point where [he couldn’t stand up after falling on a grill](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=18185441&postcount=85) and ended up with his pants burned off and “rebew” branded into his ass is also an ace home invasion defender with a shovel and a crossbow? And he, what, knocked the guy out with the shovel? I personally do not use shovels. Too often, the Acme shovel will reverberate leaving me paralyzed by vibrations\*. I prefer the Acme Anvil on a Pulley or Acme Bat-Man suit to taking out my home invaders when I don’t have a crossbow or boomarang present. \*Cite=Road Runner Cart00ns. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2015, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someones-breaking-into-your-house-with-intent-to-do-you-and-your-family-harm/715014/83 "2015-03-18T16:25:09Z")
Sledge hammers have the vibration bug. Shovels mold themselves around the target’s face. ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2015, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someones-breaking-into-your-house-with-intent-to-do-you-and-your-family-harm/715014/84 "2015-03-18T16:48:25Z")
:: hangs head in shame :: You are correct. I spoke incorrectly. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2015, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someones-breaking-into-your-house-with-intent-to-do-you-and-your-family-harm/715014/85 "2015-03-18T16:51:10Z")
I would get on the phone to Liam Neeson and hide under the bed. ---
**Author:** ![Lukeinva](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lukeinva/32/17872_2.png) [@Lukeinva](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lukeinva)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2015, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someones-breaking-into-your-house-with-intent-to-do-you-and-your-family-harm/715014/86 "2015-03-18T17:32:57Z")
[Throw Mama from the Train frying pan.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1900A_ktEg) ---
**Author:** ![ticker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/d07c76/32.png) [@ticker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ticker)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2015, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someones-breaking-into-your-house-with-intent-to-do-you-and-your-family-harm/715014/87 "2015-03-18T18:05:30Z")
> [@kambuckta](#): > > Lego all over the floor. Note to self: don’t invade kambuckta’s in bare feet. ---
**Author:** ![gnoitall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/bb73d2/32.png) [@gnoitall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gnoitall)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2015, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someones-breaking-into-your-house-with-intent-to-do-you-and-your-family-harm/715014/88 "2015-03-18T18:09:30Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > Sledge hammers have the vibration bug. Shovels mold themselves around the target’s face. > [@Fenris](#): > > :: hangs head in shame :: > > You are correct. I spoke incorrectly. OTOH, if the guy manages to get away, you have a face impression to identify him to the police. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![leftfield6](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leftfield6/32/18780_2.png) [@leftfield6](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leftfield6)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2015, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someones-breaking-into-your-house-with-intent-to-do-you-and-your-family-harm/715014/89 "2015-03-18T18:12:09Z")
Louisville Slugger, Hank Aaron model, 33 ounces and 35 inches long. Swing for the knees first to take them down, and then just swing away at whatever part of them they are not covering up. Or, more likely, I’d probably not even wake up. I’ve been known to sleep through some rather remarkable middle of the night sounds. Like when a pole mounted power transformer blew up less than 40 yards from my bedroom window. Every one in my neighborhood was talking about the “cannon” shot sound. I heard nothing. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2015, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someones-breaking-into-your-house-with-intent-to-do-you-and-your-family-harm/715014/90 "2015-03-18T18:32:46Z")
I’d rather have someone come at me while I’m in the garage, than in the house. I could trim him up with the table saw, smooth down any irregular surfaces with a bench plane, and then apply the finishing touch with Danish oil or perhaps a nice poly. Or, you know, just clock him with a framing hammer. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2015, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someones-breaking-into-your-house-with-intent-to-do-you-and-your-family-harm/715014/91 "2015-03-18T18:34:11Z")
> [@Chefguy](#): > > Or, you know, just clock him with a framing hammer. The OP said someone was breaking in. You don’t have to frame him! ---
**Author:** ![Emiliana](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f0a364/32.png) [@Emiliana](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Emiliana)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2015, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someones-breaking-into-your-house-with-intent-to-do-you-and-your-family-harm/715014/92 "2015-03-18T19:03:52Z")
> [@Fenris](#): > > :: hangs head in shame :: > > You are correct. I spoke incorrectly. Jesus, Fenris, we can’t take you anywhere. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2015, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someones-breaking-into-your-house-with-intent-to-do-you-and-your-family-harm/715014/93 "2015-03-18T20:04:21Z")
I’m going to invent a burglar alarm that blasts Justin Bieber music. Think it’ll sell? ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2015, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someones-breaking-into-your-house-with-intent-to-do-you-and-your-family-harm/715014/94 "2015-03-18T20:14:22Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > I’m going to invent a burglar alarm that blasts Justin Bieber music. Think it’ll sell? I’m not even sure it would be _legal_ in most states. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2015, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someones-breaking-into-your-house-with-intent-to-do-you-and-your-family-harm/715014/95 "2015-03-18T20:16:03Z")
The guns are safely locked away so I hope I have a little time or a clear path to get to them. Otherwise I would have to throw the dogs at them. I mean literally throw since they would be useless otherwise. One would cower in fear because there was a stranger and the other would just be happy to have someone new to lick. The only use I could get out of them would be as projectiles. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2015, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someones-breaking-into-your-house-with-intent-to-do-you-and-your-family-harm/715014/96 "2015-03-18T20:28:24Z")
Then when the burglar is arrested, he will tell the cops that he was attacked by flying dogs and he will get off on an insanity defense. Not a good plan. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![August\_West](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/august_west/32/18069_2.png) [@August\_West](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/August_West)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2015, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someones-breaking-into-your-house-with-intent-to-do-you-and-your-family-harm/715014/97 "2015-03-18T20:30:55Z")
I’m in the same boat as **Loach**. My guns are all in a safe, and the ammunition for the guns is in a separate secure compartment. So I’d need lots of time to open the safe, try to remember where I hid the keys for the ammo, sort through the “dummy” keys to find the right one, etc., etc. Luckily, my kids have lots of hard plastic dinosaurs each with several pointy bits. I’d throw dinosaurs at the intruder while loudly informing them that they’re going to be in big trouble in about 15 minutes. ---
**Author:** ![Tibby](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tibby/32/17030_2.png) [@Tibby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tibby)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2015, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someones-breaking-into-your-house-with-intent-to-do-you-and-your-family-harm/715014/98 "2015-03-18T20:57:30Z")
I would apprehend, subdue and duck tape-bind the intruder in an upright position. Then I would smear bananas all over his face. Then I would take my Black & Decker drill and drill 5/8” holes spaced 8 inches apart into the intruder’s bones (tibia, femur, etc.) from foot to head. Then, I’d insert 5/8” wooden dowels, cut to 6” lengths, into the drilled holes. Then, I’d release my rabid squirrel money (fun fact: _rabid_ squirrel monkeys cost less than _non-rabid_ squirrel monkeys). Then,…well, I think you can guess the rest. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2015, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someones-breaking-into-your-house-with-intent-to-do-you-and-your-family-harm/715014/99 "2015-03-18T21:09:07Z")
I see you have given this some thought. removes the **Tibby** address from “List of Possible Sites”. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2015, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someones-breaking-into-your-house-with-intent-to-do-you-and-your-family-harm/715014/100 "2015-03-18T21:18:33Z")
One does not simply _break_ into my house. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someones-breaking-into-your-house-with-intent-to-do-you-and-your-family-harm/715014.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/someones-breaking-into-your-house-with-intent-to-do-you-and-your-family-harm/715014.md?page=6)