# Sometimes I wish I was... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 21, 2006, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sometimes-i-wish-i-was/345479 "2006-02-21T15:53:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Ensign\_Edison](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ab992/32.png) [@Ensign\_Edison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ensign_Edison)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2006, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sometimes-i-wish-i-was/345479/1 "2006-02-21T15:53:43Z")
…a pirate, but not the kind that rots away of horrible diseases and gets people’s intestines on his shoes, the other kind, from the movies. …an astronaut, so I could say I had left the earth a while, and so I could dream I was on a spaceship and then wake up on a spaceship. Or maybe just: Ensign Edison\*, of the Starship Excelsior. (All my Captain Sulu people in the house say heey-ay! Give us our show!) …a cowboy, miles away from everyone except maybe another cowboy who doesn’t talk a lot. Just think, two years ago I could have said that and 30% fewer of you would be thinking something gay now. …a primatologist. I want to look at chimps and orangs all day. Who wouldn’t? And I’d like to live in the places they do, for a while. …a big-time Hollywood producer, snorting coke off the asses of future stars\*. I’d tool around town in a cherry-red convertable and have terrible hair and still get taken seriously, because I would have more money than God and no moral code whatsoever. …a really, really high-class whore. …fifteen years old again, so I could do some things better and others not at all. But I relive it enough in my damnably vivid imagination, so I guess scratch this one and make it ‘fifteen years old again for the first time’. …a librarian. **Sampiro** , are you any good at poker? Maybe we could trade for a day. Or a nurse, but I couldn’t do it, I know that. I like hospitals, especially at night, though. And hotels - so maybe I should add hotel cleaner here too. They all connect in my head. Secret rustling kinds of jobs. …a socialite on the town, partying like the sun will never rise and nobody ever dies and the hungry world outside isn’t eating anyone alive. Dancing on tables isn’t my style; I’m the one in the dark booth in the corner, holding court, chainsmoking and drinking bottle after bottle of incredibly expensive wine. …on Mars. \*Name change pending? 🆒 \*I’m Irish, and therefore I’ll make any joke. In real life, I hate cocaine, and snorting things off people doesn’t work as well as it should anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Ensign\_Edison](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ab992/32.png) [@Ensign\_Edison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ensign_Edison)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2006, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sometimes-i-wish-i-was/345479/2 "2006-02-21T16:21:31Z")
> [@Ensign Edison](#): > > \*Name change pending? 🆒 [/SIZE] > [/SIZE] Name change done! Woohoo! TubaDiva roolz! –formerly cthiax ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2006, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sometimes-i-wish-i-was/345479/3 "2006-02-21T17:31:57Z")
…an Oscar Mayer wiener. ---
**Author:** ![guizot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guizot/32/3636_2.png) [@guizot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/guizot)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2006, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sometimes-i-wish-i-was/345479/4 "2006-02-21T17:39:37Z")
Sometimes I wish I _ **were** _… …a grammarian… …well, maybe I am. Am I doomed for hell? ---
**Author:** ![ioioio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ioioio/32/316_2.png) [@ioioio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ioioio)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2006, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sometimes-i-wish-i-was/345479/5 "2006-02-21T17:40:41Z")
**Sometimes I wish I was. . .** a person who knew how to use the subjunctive mood correctly. **Sometimes I wish I were not. . .** a grammar Nazi. ---
**Author:** ![anyrose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/54ee81/32.png) [@anyrose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anyrose)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2006, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sometimes-i-wish-i-was/345479/6 "2006-02-21T19:02:26Z")
**Sometimes I wish I were…** an actress on Broadway **Sometimes I wish I were…** a Grammy winning recording star **Sometimes I wish I were…** in possession of powerful majicks ---
**Author:** ![Ensign\_Edison](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ab992/32.png) [@Ensign\_Edison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ensign_Edison)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2006, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sometimes-i-wish-i-was/345479/7 "2006-02-21T19:05:25Z")
Yeah yeah. I know the rule, and I broke it. I’m a rebel, you can’t stop me, you can’t even slow me down. 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![YaWanna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/bbce88/32.png) [@YaWanna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YaWanna)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2006, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sometimes-i-wish-i-was/345479/8 "2006-02-21T19:07:29Z")
> [@Thudlow Boink](#): > > …an Oscar Mayer wiener. Someone always beats me to these. :sigh: ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2006, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sometimes-i-wish-i-was/345479/9 "2006-02-21T19:26:27Z")
> [@Thudlow Boink](#): > > Sometimes I wish I was… an Oscar Mayer wiener. Don’t give up _now_! You’re already halfway there. 😃😛 ---
**Author:** ![Tikki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/5daacb/32.png) [@Tikki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tikki)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2006, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sometimes-i-wish-i-was/345479/10 "2006-02-21T20:20:23Z")
Hey, **Ensign,** the name looks good on you! And is easier to pronounce. 🙂 Sometimes I wish I were: –Stranded on a desert island. I wouldn’t have to worry too much about food but would have to use my wits a bit to get it. Fresh water would be plentiful so no worries there. And there’d be some chimps or other critters to keep me company. They’d be much preferable over a volleyball. Maybe in a year or two, someone would come to rescue me and depending on whether I was tired of desert island life or not, I would choose to stay or go. I kinda think I would stay. –Living in a cabin in Alaska. I’d want to be close enough to town that if I got stir crazy, I could pop in for a visit but far enough away that I wouldn’t get too many visitors myself. Every autumn, I’d take a thousand dollars I earned from trapping or gold mining or something and go on a used book (or maybe even new!) spending spree in Anchorage or Seattle. My larder would always be stocked and my cabin always warm and I’d even make friends with a local bear or two. –The pirate thing would be cool! There were some women pirates back in the day but, as yet, they’ve failed to make it to the big screen in any significant way. Oh, the romanticised pirate life for me! I’d be cunning, courageous and would use my feminine wiles to outwit my enemies when need be. I’d have to work my way up from lowly barmaid to a ship’s hand to captain of my own schooner but the reputation I’d establish along the way would make Blackbeard himself think twice about crossing me. My men would be the bravest in all the seven seas and other men who scoffed at lady pirates would soon feel the tip of my sword on their neck, the scurvy rats! Arrrrgh! –An international jewel thief. I’d be sophisticated and smart and could mingle with the crustiest of the upper crust without them ever catching onto the fact that I’m plotting to steal their valuables. I’d be slender and look elegant in sparkly evening dresses that fit perfectly and heels that didn’t pinch but would be equally comfortable in off-the-rack black burgling clothes. I’d speak fluently at least three different languages, could pick any lock and sneak into the most secure places possible. I’d occasionally get together with another jewel thief who looks and talks remarkably like Pierce Brosnan for the really big heists or maybe if we just…felt like getting together. You know… –A really big schmoozer. This would sort of be like the jewel thief thing but without breaking any laws. I’d be so good at entertaining rich people with my (made up) stories of my adventures and be so much fun to be around that I would constantly get invited to their yachts and mansions for extended stays. They’d loan me the use of their private planes and Mazarattis and pick up the tab whenever we’re shopping or dining. It would be like being on vacation year-round without ever having to drop a dime myself. –An avenger of children who have been abused. I’d seek out their tomenters and make sure the bastards never have a chance to hurt a child again. Drug dealers would also feel my wrath. 'Nuff said. ---
**Author:** ![Ensign\_Edison](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ab992/32.png) [@Ensign\_Edison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ensign_Edison)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2006, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sometimes-i-wish-i-was/345479/11 "2006-02-21T20:35:23Z")
> [@Tikki](#): > > Hey, **Ensign,** the name looks good on you! And is easier to pronounce. 🙂 Yeah, but can you say it five times fast? And you can call me Edison, or just plain Tom. I’m not really a real Ensign. Just in the Star Trek of my dreams. > [@](#): > > Sometimes I wish I were: Posters of the world, shake off the chains of grammar that bind you! Live wild, and free! Dangle participles! Latin is dead! SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS! Er, sorry, little spasm there. Carry on. > [@](#): > > –Stranded on a desert island. I wouldn’t have to worry too much about food but would have to use my wits a bit to get it. Fresh water would be plentiful so no worries there. And there’d be some chimps or other critters to keep me company. They’d be much preferable over a volleyball. Maybe in a year or two, someone would come to rescue me and depending on whether I was tired of desert island life or not, I would choose to stay or go. I kinda think I would stay. I never saw (hah! take that!) that movie. Was the volleyball’s face really a bloody handprint, or is that a gag? I sometimes think of living on the beach - being a beach bum. I’d grow dreds and get a dog, and the dog would wear a kerchief and be called Dutch or Larry. > [@](#): > > –The pirate thing would be cool! There were some women pirates back in the day but, as yet, they’ve failed to make it to the big screen in any significant way. Oh, the romanticised pirate life for me! I’d be cunning, courageous and would use my feminine wiles to outwit my enemies when need be. I’d have to work my way up from lowly barmaid to a ship’s hand to captain of my own schooner but the reputation I’d establish along the way would make Blackbeard himself think twice about crossing me. My men would be the bravest in all the seven seas and other men who scoffed at lady pirates would soon feel the tip of my sword on their neck, the scurvy rats! Arrrrgh! Will you be my captain? > [@](#): > > –An avenger of children who have been abused. I’d seek out their tomenters and make sure the bastards never have a chance to hurt a child again. Drug dealers would also feel my wrath. 'Nuff said. Are you familiar with the writing of Andrew Vachss? ---
**Author:** ![Lionne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Lionne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lionne)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2006, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sometimes-i-wish-i-was/345479/12 "2006-02-21T22:17:37Z")
**Sometimes I wish I was/were…** …a big name author. I’d never want for ideas, just pop out a new bestseller every 6 months or so, then sit back and relax on my beachfront home, go swimming, boating, drink margaritas with friends and just enjoy my life.\* \*I know authors work very, very hard. Keep it up guys; you’ve got an admirer here! ---
**Author:** ![Tikki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/5daacb/32.png) [@Tikki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tikki)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2006, 5:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sometimes-i-wish-i-was/345479/13 "2006-02-22T05:19:58Z")
> [@Ensign Edison](#): > > Yeah, but can you say it five times fast? And you can call me Edison, or just plain Tom. I’m not really a real Ensign. Just in the Star Trek of my dreams. > > Will you be my captain? So, EnsignTomEdisonEnsignTomEdisonEnsignTomEdisonEnsignTomEdisonEnsignTomEdison, if I were your captain, would Starfleet allow me to use the Excelsior to go on the occasional pirate raid? Not all the time but just every once in a while, you understand. Or would you consider jumping ship and becoming my first mate on the _Serpent’s Sweet Revenge_? This week only, I’m running a special, a double share of dubloons from all raids in the next six months and a triple ration of rum to the first mate of my choosing. Psssst! I think you’ve got it cinched. 😉 > [@Ensign Edison](#): > > I never saw (hah! take that!) that movie. Was the volleyball’s face really a bloody handprint, or is that a gag? I’ve never seen it either. I just gather that with the lack of companionship, Tom Hanks’ character glommed onto the volleyball, whom he named Wilson (get it?), for someone to chat to. I don’t think there’s any bloody handprints on Wilson. He’;s just a ball. Still, too bad there weren’t any chimps on that island. They would have made me want to see the movie. > [@Ensign Edison](#): > > I sometimes think of living on the beach - being a beach bum. I’d grow dreds and get a dog, and the dog would wear a kerchief and be called Dutch or Larry. Being a beach bum is all well and good but please don’t grow dreds. They’re a _dred_ful fashion faux pas, in my opinion. Especially on white guys. They remind me of my dog grooming days when I’d shaved many a dred off of a Dutch or Larry. Believe me, it wouldn’t be hard for me to sneak up on you on the beach while you’re in a sunset-bedazzled, margarita-induced stupor and shave them off of you too, so you might as well save yourself (and me!) the trouble. > [@Ensign Edison](#): > > Are you familiar with the writing of Andrew Vachss? No. Tell me more! ---
**Author:** ![Tikki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/5daacb/32.png) [@Tikki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tikki)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2006, 5:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sometimes-i-wish-i-was/345479/14 "2006-02-22T05:27:55Z")
[QUOTE=Tikki] He’;s just a ball. Still, too bad there weren’t any chimps on that island. They would have made me want to see the movie. I meant: He’s just a ball. Still, too bad there weren’t any chimps on that island. They would have been more entertaining and maybe would have made me want to see the movie more. And, another thing I sometimes wish I were is someone who can edit before posting and have that post stick. Or, better yet, I could run the dungeon where bad hampsters go when they disobey orders! ---
**Author:** ![Ensign\_Edison](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ab992/32.png) [@Ensign\_Edison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ensign_Edison)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2006, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sometimes-i-wish-i-was/345479/15 "2006-02-22T21:06:28Z")
> [@Tikki](#): > > So, EnsignTomEdisonEnsignTomEdisonEnsignTomEdisonEnsignTomEdisonEnsignTomEdison, if I were your captain, would Starfleet allow me to use the Excelsior to go on the occasional pirate raid? Not all the time but just every once in a while, you understand. Or would you consider jumping ship and becoming my first mate on the _Serpent’s Sweet Revenge_? This week only, I’m running a special, a double share of dubloons from all raids in the next six months and a triple ration of rum to the first mate of my choosing. > > Psssst! I think you’ve got it cinched. 😉 Well, I think Captain (Commander?) Sulu has always been a bit of swashbuckler at heart, so I’m sure something could be arranged. On the other hand, life on the high seas, not to mention that triple ration, is pretty tempting. Course, we could just comission ourselves a Holodeck and have the best of both worlds… > [@](#): > > I’ve never seen it either. I just gather that with the lack of companionship, Tom Hanks’ character glommed onto the volleyball, whom he named Wilson (get it?), for someone to chat to. I don’t think there’s any bloody handprints on Wilson. He’;s just a ball. Still, too bad there weren’t any chimps on that island. They would have made me want to see the movie. My sources inform me that not only was there a bloody handprint for a face, on Wilson (“MY NAME IS VOIGHT!” - FG), Tom Hanks’ character periodically cut himself to refresh it. > [@](#): > > Being a beach bum is all well and good but please don’t grow dreds. They’re a _dred_ful fashion faux pas, in my opinion. Especially on white guys. They remind me of my dog grooming days when I’d shaved many a dred off of a Dutch or Larry. Believe me, it wouldn’t be hard for me to sneak up on you on the beach while you’re in a sunset-bedazzled, margarita-induced stupor and shave them off of you too, so you might as well save yourself (and me!) the trouble. I look all right with a shaven head too, so no worries there. Still, I suppose I can settle for a burnout hat, the kind that comes with flies circling 'round it. Andrew Vachss is a lawyer who has represented many abused children. He also writes ‘fictional’ novels about a guy named Burke who brings his own kind of justice to child molestors, basing a lot of them on the horrible shit he’s seen. Not to be a total downer or anything. Not for the squeamish, and not the shiniest prose on the block, but he has inspired moments, and of course he’s cathartic for many. ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2006, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sometimes-i-wish-i-was/345479/16 "2006-02-22T22:12:42Z")
I wish I were … Two words: **Rock God.** ---
**Author:** ![Tikki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/5daacb/32.png) [@Tikki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tikki)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 5:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sometimes-i-wish-i-was/345479/17 "2006-02-23T05:32:47Z")
> [@Ensign Edison](#): > > My sources inform me that not only was there a bloody handprint for a face, on Wilson (“MY NAME IS VOIGHT!” - FG), Tom Hanks’ character periodically cut himself to refresh it. Eeeew! > [@Ensign Edison](#): > > I look all right with a shaven head too, so no worries there. Still, I suppose I can settle for a burnout hat, the kind that comes with flies circling 'round it. I hope you’re talking about fishing flies. 🙂 I know. Picky, picky. I like the idea about using the holodeck for some piratey fun. I’d forgotten about that! Wouldn’t it be cool if there really was such a thing? I might check out Andrew Vachss but I don’t know. Sounds pretty depressing. Though I wish there really were people like Burke who went after child abusers. (Maybe there are.) Hey,\*\* Daithi Lacha,\*\* the rock god thing would be cool. I think I’d like to be a one hit (two hit) wonder. Get really famous, preferably with a Christmas song or two, and then fade into the background and live off of the royalties for the rest of my life. ---
**Author:** ![Harborwolf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@Harborwolf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harborwolf)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2006, 12:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sometimes-i-wish-i-was/345479/18 "2006-02-23T12:25:38Z")
Let’s see… I wish I was a little bit taller. I wish I was a baller. I wish I had a girl that looked good. I would call her. I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat and a 64 impala. 😃 Actually, I always wanted to be an old school investigative newspaper reporter. Get myself a fedora to put the press pass in.