# Son wants us to move in **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 27, 2024, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/son-wants-us-to-move-in/1006284 "2024-08-27T02:33:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2024, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/son-wants-us-to-move-in/1006284/21 "2024-08-27T19:45:51Z")
If you want the money, stay put. If you actually _need_ the money, look for another way to get it before accepting the offer. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2024, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/son-wants-us-to-move-in/1006284/22 "2024-08-27T22:22:28Z")
A good friend who is 74 and enjoying life filed an emergency motion for custody of his grandson because of (long story) his son and DIL’s crazy assed cocaine use. He and his wife got temporary emergency custody. Six months ago. The son/DIL continue to f\*ck up, so things aren’t looking good. When this all went down he was worried it might take more than a week to fix everything. I’ve done some small things to help (taking the kid for part of a day, etc) but I don’t think things will end well. OP, my advice is RUN. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2024, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/son-wants-us-to-move-in/1006284/23 "2024-08-28T00:14:54Z")
Her former situation (from previous threads) was much more concerning, to me. If she was still in that scenario, this one seemed like a cakewalk. It seems she’s changed things at her own house. She has stated she doesn’t like to confront people or make decisions that cause consternation. It looks like someone made that decision for her. Of course, I rather stay in my own home. But that house was utter chaos(so she wrote). I would’ve slept on a park bench before staying there. If it’s under control (and it still seems unclear) I’d stay home as well. ---
**Author:** ![Sylvanz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/fbc32d/32.png) [@Sylvanz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sylvanz)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2024, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/son-wants-us-to-move-in/1006284/24 "2024-08-28T02:10:16Z")
Well described beck. Hubster doesnot want to move either. Things are better here, and I will not have them back. The sad thing is my requesting son is thinking they’ll have to sell their house. We’ve told him no, but man do I feel guilty. They did have childcare lined up for months, and it fell through. I don’t know the details. They’ve put in 400 dollars worth of applications in just this week just to be told when they drop them off that they have no openings. That is crappy. The university they work at has childcare … $368.00 a week. Yikes. Hubster and I are trying to find a compromise. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2024, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/son-wants-us-to-move-in/1006284/25 "2024-08-28T02:18:45Z")
That’s is terribly expensive. Anywhere. You could hire anyone, excluding a live in Nanny, for that. It is difficult to find good private sitters. You maybe could go for a month and help. If…big IF, you think you’ll be able to say when you cannot do it anymore. That’s hard to do to family. And you find Mom and you get a long. ---
**Author:** ![Sylvanz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/fbc32d/32.png) [@Sylvanz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sylvanz)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2024, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/son-wants-us-to-move-in/1006284/26 "2024-08-28T02:33:14Z")
Yes, I told him to keep looking, and if they cannot find anything till months out Hubster and I would go during the week and come home on weekends and holdays etc. This, if all worked well, would hold until they get a permanent solution. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21825_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2024, 11:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/son-wants-us-to-move-in/1006284/27 "2024-08-28T11:42:24Z")
> [@Sylvanz](#): > > I’m 65. And I don’t have the energy for that now. When I hit 70, I told my daughter I could no longer do daily child care for them. My grandson is a joy, but a handful at 2. I was really surprised at the difference in my energy between caring for his sister (3 years older.) Granted, we’re not living together, but even having the lad delivered and picked up from my house was a challenge. Just FYI… ---
**Author:** ![digs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/digs/32/14889_2.png) [@digs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/digs)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2024, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/son-wants-us-to-move-in/1006284/28 "2024-08-28T14:57:21Z")
> [@Sylvanz](#): > > I’m 65. And I don’t have the energy for that now. Sounds like your body needs a lot of sleep… …ah, there’s a good reason not to go. It’s not YOUR fault, it’s that body of yours! ---
**Author:** ![digs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/digs/32/14889_2.png) [@digs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/digs)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2024, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/son-wants-us-to-move-in/1006284/29 "2024-08-28T14:59:32Z")
> [@Sylvanz](#): > > This, if all worked well, would hold until they get a permanent solution. If there’s no end date, what’s the incentive for them to find a “permanent” solution? Why not say you’ll do it for a month? ---
**Author:** ![Sylvanz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/fbc32d/32.png) [@Sylvanz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sylvanz)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2024, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/son-wants-us-to-move-in/1006284/30 "2024-08-28T16:04:28Z")
Right now they are still searching. He doesn’t want to do it. We’ll tevisit the time span next month. Oh, he is not suggesting I do it for free. ---
**Author:** ![Dewey\_Finn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dewey_finn/32/4222_2.png) [@Dewey\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dewey_Finn)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2024, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/son-wants-us-to-move-in/1006284/31 "2024-08-28T16:50:05Z")
My guess is whether you have the energy to do this is a bigger issue than whether your son pays you for it. (I know my parents were _delighted_ to spend time with my brother’s children, though that was not 24x7 for a month or more.) ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2024, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/son-wants-us-to-move-in/1006284/32 "2024-08-28T17:34:43Z")
Another thing to bear in mind is that as people get older, sometimes their tolerance level goes _down_. I’m sure you’re not going to be a “mean granny”, **Sylvanz** , but from your posts, it sounds like this is your time to make yourself (and your husband) first priority. ---
**Author:** ![bob\_2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bob_2/32/3341_2.png) [@bob\_2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bob_2)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2024, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/son-wants-us-to-move-in/1006284/33 "2024-08-28T17:43:36Z")
> [@Sylvanz](#): > > The university they work at has childcare … $368.00 a week. Yikes. Out of curiosity, I looked up what it would cost in the UK. Full-time (40 hours) for an under-two is **£263 per week** ($350) ---
**Author:** ![DavidNRockies](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/davidnrockies/32/6279_2.png) [@DavidNRockies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DavidNRockies)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2024, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/son-wants-us-to-move-in/1006284/34 "2024-08-28T17:52:24Z")
I know _nothing_ about the OP’s situation, but I felt like it might be worthwhile to expand on @Rilchiam 's excellent point. My beloved yellow lab is now 13 years old. He’s really in excellent health, but he has a **[genetic neurologic issue](https://cvm.msu.edu/scs/research-initiatives/golpp/living-with-golpp)** that can make his gait pretty uncoordinated. I help him by lifting up on his harness, maybe reducing his effective weight by half. That went from about 0% of the walking time … maybe a year ago … to more than half the walking time now. And he’s 70+ pounds and _strong as an ox._ He’ll also follow any scent, eat nearly anything he finds in the wild, and go after any bunny. I really have to watch him like a hawk _in addition to_ ensuring that he’s walking safely. And I’m in pretty bad shape, medically. I’m watching the delta between _his needs_ and _my capacities_ widen. It’s a bit heartbreaking. The vigilance, strength, coordination, and concentration it requires from me is substantial. But he gets all the energy that I have to give, and – I hope – rather graciously. I’ll leave it all out on the table for him. But my wife and I signed up for that. We knew the deal going in, and since I’m the one at home, the lion’s share falls to me. Would I sign up for that today? No. I couldn’t. The OP is really being asked to consider a big undertaking. A cold-hearted assessment of _your_ capacities and _your family’s_ needs … would likely pay dividends. Good luck! ---
**Author:** ![chela](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chela/32/21582_2.png) [@chela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chela)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2024, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/son-wants-us-to-move-in/1006284/35 "2024-08-28T18:49:36Z")
Nope! Nada! Nein! Uproot your life and move 90 minutes away to care for an infant 40 or more hours a week for unknown compensation and unknown expectations on other duties like cleaning house , shopping and cooking for family while the new parents work long hours? Also caring for your husband with medical needs and finding new care providers? What’s in it for you? ---
**Author:** ![ratatoskK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ratatoskk/32/2987_2.png) [@ratatoskK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ratatoskK)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2024, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/son-wants-us-to-move-in/1006284/36 "2024-08-28T20:45:23Z")
> [@Sylvanz](#): > > The university they work at has childcare … $368.00 a week. Yikes. That’s actually a very reasonable price for caring for a newborn. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2024, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/son-wants-us-to-move-in/1006284/37 "2024-08-28T22:06:18Z")
> [@ratatoskK](#): > > That’s actually a very reasonable price for caring for a newborn. $368 works out to $9.20/hr. That’s about what my church’s non-profit, well-staffed but no-frills daycare charges, and we believe it’s the lowest fee for any daycare that meets state and county licensing. And Aldi is hiring shift workers for more than we pay our staff. When our daughter was born my parents offered to babysit anytime we needed them. We resisted doing it because they were in their late 60s and my mother especially had had some health problems. But once we had a weeknight obligation and couldn’t find a sitter, so we reluctantly asked my mother to fill in. When we arrived to pick up our daughter, my mother was sitting in the big chair in the living room, and she simply said, “Never again.” ---
**Author:** ![CaveMike](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cavemike/32/16379_2.png) [@CaveMike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CaveMike)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2024, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/son-wants-us-to-move-in/1006284/38 "2024-08-28T22:30:20Z")
> [@chela](#): > > What’s in it for you? Apparently less than $368 per week. I think you summarized the pitfalls well. Is it just childcare during work hours? Or babysitting anytime? Without clear boundaries it’s very easy for one party to be taken advantage of. > [@Sylvanz](#): > > The university they work at has childcare … $368.00 a week. I agree with others that $368 sounds reasonable, but even still why can’t they use the university childcare while they look for an alternative? ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2024, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/son-wants-us-to-move-in/1006284/39 "2024-08-28T22:51:16Z")
> [@CaveMike](#): > > I agree with others that $368 sounds reasonable, but even still why can’t they use the university childcare while they look for an alternative? I’m just guessing but my daughter put herself on the waiting list for the daycare at her job when she was 3 months pregnant. If they had plans that fell through , it might take months before there is an opening. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2024, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/son-wants-us-to-move-in/1006284/40 "2024-08-29T00:05:10Z")
My older grandkids, I was healthier. I never did a daily while parents worked babysitting thing. But, I kept them all the time. Overnights were common. Mom is an investigator for an insurance company. Her job is online 95%. She does have to a bit of legwork, sometimes. So she has worked from home, many months before COVID. And homeschooled her older daughter before virtual learning. Plus she has a Mother and 2 sisters who competed for baby time. There are absolutely no great baby care options here. Now for potty trained toddlers help can be found. DIL looked nearly a year for just a playgroup for her twins who needed more socializing with children their own age, for late speech issues. They went 3 days a week. Now they are in pre-K at the school system. Child care is a rocky road, no doubt. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/son-wants-us-to-move-in/1006284.md?page=1)