# Song of birth (African parenting method) **URL:** \ **Category:** Factual Questions\ **Created:** [November 17, 2013, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/song-of-birth-african-parenting-method/674131 "2013-11-17T17:58:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![willthekittensurvive](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/91b2a8/32.png) [@willthekittensurvive](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/willthekittensurvive)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/song-of-birth-african-parenting-method/674131/1 "2013-11-17T17:58:33Z")
Some friends are posting this story on Facebook, it’s a nice story but is a true story? > [@](#): > > there is a tribe in Africa where the birth date of a child is counted not from when they were born, nor from when they are conceived but from the day that the child was a thought in its mother’s mind. And when a woman decides that she will have a child, she goes off and sits under a tree, by herself, and she listens until she can hear the song of the child that wants to come. And after she’s heard the song of this child, she comes back to the man who will be the child’s father, and teaches it to him. And then, when they make love to physically conceive the child, some of that time they sing the song of the child, as a way to invite it. > > And then, when the mother is pregnant, the mother teaches that child’s song to the midwives and the old women of the village, so that when the child is born, the old women and the people around her sing the child’s song to welcome it. And then, as the child grows up, the other villagers are taught the child’s song. If the child falls, or hurts its knee, someone picks it up and sings its song to it. Or perhaps the child does something wonderful, or goes through the rites of puberty, then as a way of honoring this person, the people of the village sing his or her song. > > In the African tribe there is one other occasion upon which the villagers sing to the child. If at any time during his or her life, the person commits a crime or aberrant social act, the individual is called to the center of the village and the people in the community form a circle around them. Then they sing their song to them. > > The tribe recognizes that the correction for antisocial behavior is not punishment; it is love and the remembrance of identity. When you recognize your own song, you have no desire or need to do anything that would hurt another. > > And it goes this way through their life. In marriage, the songs are sung, together. And finally, when this child is lying in bed, ready to die, all the villagers know his or her song, and they sing—for the last time—the song to that person. > > You may not have grown up in an African tribe that sings your song to you at crucial life transitions, but life is always reminding you when you are in tune with yourself and when you are not. When you feel good, what you are doing matches your song, and when you feel awful, it doesn’t. In the end, we shall all recognize our song and sing it well. You may feel a little warbly at the moment, but so have all the great singers. Just keep singing and you’ll find your way home. ---
**Author:** ![WilyQuixote](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f9ae1b/32.png) [@WilyQuixote](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WilyQuixote)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/song-of-birth-african-parenting-method/674131/2 "2013-11-17T19:01:13Z")
Sounds like BS to me. Or to be specific, romanticized BS of the New Age variety. Are “Ancient Celts” and Native Americans past their sell-by date in these circles? ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/song-of-birth-african-parenting-method/674131/3 "2013-11-17T19:39:01Z")
Sounds like complete twaddle of the Noble Savage variety. ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/song-of-birth-african-parenting-method/674131/4 "2013-11-17T19:42:27Z")
Since the tribe is unnamed in the OP, I was going to say it was almost certainly made up. However, the tribe is identified here as [the Himba.](http://www.umthwakazireview.com/index.php/africa/african-tribes/item/678-the-himba-tribe) Although that doesn’t vouch for the story being true, it at least gives a starting point for investigation. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/song-of-birth-african-parenting-method/674131/5 "2013-11-17T19:43:48Z")
Uh, not all kids are planned and thought of first. Many times you just find yourself pregnant. ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/song-of-birth-african-parenting-method/674131/6 "2013-11-17T19:53:07Z")
[Here’s a bit more.](http://theperfectbirth.wordpress.com/2013/04/22/the-himba-namibia-the-birth-song/) This blogger did some investigation and gives the original source as “Tolba Phanem, African poet.” However, Phanem’s name only seems to appear in Google in connection to this story, making his own existence suspect. ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/song-of-birth-african-parenting-method/674131/7 "2013-11-17T19:55:29Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > Uh, not all kids are planned and thought of first. Many times you just find yourself pregnant. Of course not. But many things are believed that are contrary to demonstrable fact. ---
**Author:** ![willthekittensurvive](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/91b2a8/32.png) [@willthekittensurvive](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/willthekittensurvive)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/song-of-birth-african-parenting-method/674131/8 "2013-11-17T19:57:09Z")
Must suck to be one of those unplanned kids though, no song and all ---
**Author:** ![kanicbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kanicbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kanicbird)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/song-of-birth-african-parenting-method/674131/9 "2013-11-17T20:00:19Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > Uh, not all kids are planned and thought of first. Many times you just find yourself pregnant. The way I read it it allows for it, basically saying even after conception it starts when the woman ever thought of having a child. > [@](#): > > … but from the day that the child was a thought in its mother’s mind… This could be as a little girl, or long after conception as I read it. ---
**Author:** ![WilyQuixote](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f9ae1b/32.png) [@WilyQuixote](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WilyQuixote)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/song-of-birth-african-parenting-method/674131/10 "2013-11-17T20:15:00Z")
> [@Colibri](#): > > [Here’s a bit more.](http://theperfectbirth.wordpress.com/2013/04/22/the-himba-namibia-the-birth-song/) This blogger did some investigation and gives the original source as “Tolba Phanem, African poet.” However, Phanem’s name only seems to appear in Google in connection to this story, making his own existence suspect. Here’s another suspect bit in your link- Phanem refers to mother taking the kid into the “jungle.” The Himba are traditionally found in northern Namibia - which is arid semi-desert. one wonders how far they would have to travel to find a “jungle”. ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/song-of-birth-african-parenting-method/674131/11 "2013-11-17T20:18:09Z")
[Here’s a less idealized view of the Himba today](http://sun.com.na/cultural/himba-women-kids-left-vulnerable-by-culture-clash.55527). Whatever their birth mythology may be (or have been in the past), at present it would seem many Himba children may not have been “invited” in advance. > [@](#): > > Mutambo’s baby, whose father disappeared before she was born, has been named Kenamuaangu - meaning ‘the one without a sibling’ - until her grandparents give her an official name, as is the traditional practice. > This cultural belief that a child born out of wedlock belongs to the grandparents and not the mother has, however, resulted in only 56% of births of children under the age of five being registered. > Figures further indicate that 40% of children under 18 do not live with their biological parents. Another site indicated that Himba women have an average of 8.9 children. ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/song-of-birth-african-parenting-method/674131/12 "2013-11-17T20:19:35Z")
> [@WilyQuixote](#): > > Here’s another suspect bit in your link- Phanem refers to mother taking the kid into the “jungle.” The Himba are traditionally found in northern Namibia - which is arid semi-desert. one wonders how far they would have to travel to find a “jungle”. I noticed that. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/song-of-birth-african-parenting-method/674131/13 "2013-11-17T20:44:38Z")
At least part of it I’ve heard a very similar (and similarly apocryphal) version of in isolation. It’s also made the Facebook rounds a couple of times. I found [this version here](http://wemustknow.wordpress.com/2012/12/06/how-an-african-tribe-deals-with-crimes/): > [@](#): > > I was recently told of an African tribe that does the most beautiful thing. > > When someone does something hurtful and wrong, they take the person to the center of town, and the entire tribe comes and surrounds him. For two days they’ll tell the man every good thing he has ever done. > > The tribe believes that every human being comes into the world as GOOD, each of us desiring safety, love, peace, happiness. > But sometimes in the pursuit of those things people make mistakes. The community sees misdeeds as a cry for help. > > They band together for the sake of their fellow man to hold him up, to reconnect him with his true Nature, to remind him who he really is, until he fully remembers the truth from which he’d temporarily been disconnected: “I AM GOOD”. Now, is it possible that one “African tribe” is singing song while another is performing a storytelling intervention? Sure. One would expect similar but not identical cultural practices in societies that share geographic space. But I find the vagueness and similarities rather…uncompelling. I’ll continue to believe it’s feel good Noble Savage Myth (while at the same time thinking it’s not a bad way to handle things in small social groups) until at least some names are named. ---
**Author:** ![EmilyG](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/emilyg/32/364_2.png) [@EmilyG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmilyG)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/song-of-birth-african-parenting-method/674131/14 "2013-11-17T22:12:39Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > Uh, not all kids are planned and thought of first. Many times you just find yourself pregnant. Also, there are times you want to be pregnant, and try, but things don’t work out the way you’d like them. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/song-of-birth-african-parenting-method/674131/15 "2013-11-17T23:53:02Z")
> [@](#): > > Also, there are times you want to be pregnant, and try, but things don’t work out the way you’d like them. That’s obviously just because you didn’t sit out under a tree and listen for your kid’s song first. ---
**Author:** ![Esox\_Lucius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/848f3c/32.png) [@Esox\_Lucius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esox_Lucius)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2013, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/song-of-birth-african-parenting-method/674131/16 "2013-11-18T03:21:16Z")
> [@](#): > > If at any time during his or her life, the person commits a crime or aberrant social act, the individual is called to the center of the village and the people in the community form a circle around them. > [@](#): > > When someone does something hurtful and wrong, they take the person to the center of town, and the entire tribe comes and surrounds him. For two days they’ll tell the man every good thing he has ever done. There’s a similar practice called [healing circles](http://www.justiceeducation.ca/research/aboriginal-sentencing/restorative-justice) in some Native communities in Canada (and maybe the U.S.). I think it’s a revival of a traditional practice, so it wouldn’t surprise me if the Facebook accounts have a germ of truth to them. But it sounds like that germ of truth has been taken to ridiculous extremes. ---
**Author:** ![Esox\_Lucius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/848f3c/32.png) [@Esox\_Lucius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esox_Lucius)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2013, 3:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/song-of-birth-african-parenting-method/674131/17 "2013-11-18T03:33:52Z")
I forgot to include a clip from my link in the previous post: > [@](#): > > The core of an Aboriginal restorative process is generally a healing circle, which aims at developing a consensus on how to repair the harmful results of the offence. > > A healing circle: > > ``` > --Will include members of the community including the offender, elders, and often the victim if they agree to participate > --Will discuss the offence and how it has affected the victim and the community and the relationships between these and the offender > --In addition to healing community ties, the circle focuses on the offender and the underlying causes of their offence > --For example, if alcohol or child abuse experiences contributed to the offence, these impact factors will be identified and discussed > > ``` ---
**Author:** ![ishmaelangelo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/97f17d/32.png) [@ishmaelangelo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ishmaelangelo)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2014, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/song-of-birth-african-parenting-method/674131/18 "2014-01-13T12:59:36Z")
A source on this concept: West African writer Patrice Malidoma. A page that refers to the contents in one of his books and mentions “… tribe honors that gift before birth…” See: [The Healing Wisdom of Africa by Malidoma Patrice Some | Review | Spirituality & Practice](http://www.spiritualityandpractice.com/books/books.php?id=1895) Cheers