# Songs for a not-so-beautiful life partner **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [September 24, 2012, 8:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-for-a-not-so-beautiful-life-partner/635664 "2012-09-24T08:45:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2012, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-for-a-not-so-beautiful-life-partner/635664/141 "2012-09-27T00:24:45Z")
You must share photos of the happy day with us, John Clay. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2012, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-for-a-not-so-beautiful-life-partner/635664/142 "2012-09-27T00:26:01Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > …If you’re starting out without that, if what you see is actually so disgusting you can’t even look at her…the deck is stacked against you even before the shit hits the fan… I’m just repulsed by her naked belly and naked boobs… most other parts of her are attractive - even very attractive. I like her cleavage, etc. > [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > …What you _see_ is, well, stunning. Heart-pounding. Hot as hell. What about the success of many arranged marriages? They’ve lasted despite mutual extreme physically attraction… BTW for a male, heart-pounding hot as hell attraction means getting a hard-on… I don’t think that can last for decades too strongly. BTW she thinks I’m hotter than the sun, etc. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2012, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-for-a-not-so-beautiful-life-partner/635664/143 "2012-09-27T00:29:57Z")
> [@Eliahna](#): > > You must share photos of the happy day with us, John Clay. I doubt I’d share photos with show my face though… one time I released a photo then shortly after someone put one of my embarrassing quotes on it… ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2012, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-for-a-not-so-beautiful-life-partner/635664/144 "2012-09-27T01:48:55Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > What about the success of many arranged marriages? They’ve lasted despite mutual extreme physically attraction… BTW for a male, heart-pounding hot as hell attraction means getting a hard-on… I don’t think that can last for decades too strongly. BTW she thinks I’m hotter than the sun, etc. Many of those “arranged marriages” were marriages in name only. In places where arranged marriages are common, divorce is usually frowned upon, and often couples lead their own separate lives. Some of them have lovers on the side. This is becoming surreal. It’s like the Twilight Zone. ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2012, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-for-a-not-so-beautiful-life-partner/635664/145 "2012-09-27T03:05:28Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > My fiance sent me a text message: > > “[her 12 year old neice] just told me she thinks u are a hottie. Love [name]xxoo” > > That was a bit weird… > > anyway our relationship is a bit complex and varied and I forgot one aspect of it… > > I’ve given her a few medals and a trophy that says she’s the world’s best or greatest lover… > > I also gave her a door knob hanger that says the world’s greatest lover sleeps here and it shows two feet within two spread apart feet. She’s had that on her bedroom door for many months and she doesn’t mind if her relatives notice it. > > I think my statement that she’s the world’s greatest lover is more accurate than some others saying their wife is the prettiest. Also I’d rather be in a relationship with the world’s greatest lover than the prettiest in the world. Like I said she’s a low maintenance sex machine. Though she also gives other types of affection such as using words. She also used to stroke her boyfriends chests until they fell asleep… it tickled me a bit too much though so she avoids doing that much. > > Well I replied “🙂 thx” to that message and she replied: > “Ur sweeter than all the sugar in the world baby cakes…” If she only knew my hidden life on this message board, secretly expressing some not-so-sweet thoughts… > > I replied “ur sweeter than all the sugar in the universe” I never would have guessed it was possible to be so coldly critical of your partner while simultaneously being so obnoxiously lovey-dovey. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2012, 3:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-for-a-not-so-beautiful-life-partner/635664/146 "2012-09-27T03:26:13Z")
> [@Blackberry](#): > > I never would have guessed it was possible to be so coldly critical of your partner while simultaneously being so obnoxiously lovey-dovey. Well some people say “nothing is impossible”. BTW according to John Gottman there are “volatile” couples that go to the extremes like that… and they can sometimes be a type of long-lasting happy marriage. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2012, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-for-a-not-so-beautiful-life-partner/635664/147 "2012-09-27T03:34:09Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > Many of those “arranged marriages” were marriages in name only. In places where arranged marriages are common, divorce is usually frowned upon, and often couples lead their own separate lives. Some of them have lovers on the side. Affairs are quite common in normal marriages today too… BTW I’m quite an introvert and wouldn’t mind that much having a separate life. I’d rather be married and separate that not being in a relationship at all… but anyway my fiance says things like she’ll love me forever, etc, so we would probably stay fairly close. I also would try to do things like speak her “love language” to try and keep her “love tank” fairly full. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2012, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-for-a-not-so-beautiful-life-partner/635664/148 "2012-09-27T03:38:50Z")
> [@Blackberry](#): > > I never would have guessed it was possible to be so coldly critical of your partner while simultaneously being so obnoxiously lovey-dovey. [http://www.bobandmarlene.com/the4horsemen.pdf](http://www.bobandmarlene.com/the4horsemen.pdf) > [@](#): > > Contempt: Attacking your partner’s sense of self with the intention to insult or psychologically abuse > him/her > > - Insults and name calling: “bitch, bastard, wimp, fat, stupid, ugly, slob, lazy…” > - Hostile humor, sarcasm or mockery > - Body language & tone of voice: sneering, rolling your eyes, curling your upper lip Other names could be “c\*\*”, “useless”… And I wasn’t “simultaneously” being lovely-dovey… I didn’t say “I love every cute little bit of you, you ugly slob” ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2012, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-for-a-not-so-beautiful-life-partner/635664/149 "2012-09-27T03:40:13Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > …This is becoming surreal. It’s like the Twilight Zone. There the normal rules of reality don’t apply… ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2012, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-for-a-not-so-beautiful-life-partner/635664/150 "2012-09-27T03:40:57Z")
How about you let her read this thread and I can guarantee you won’t have to worry about finding a love song anymore, realistic or otherwise… ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2012, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-for-a-not-so-beautiful-life-partner/635664/151 "2012-09-27T03:46:44Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > How about you let her read this thread and I can guarantee you won’t have to worry about finding a love song anymore, realistic or otherwise… Well some people forgive those who have had affairs… though when talking with a pastor she said that she wouldn’t forgive an affair… one of the main things she is looking for is “loyalty”. Well it’s still her that I want most of all. Her and her amazing love and affection despite what her belly looks like when it is naked. If someone gave me a large enough sum of money I’d let her read this thread. BTW I did let her read another thread I wrote a while ago. She got angry at the responses I got - especially one that said to run away from her. She told me that she preferred if I didn’t go on that messageboard. ---
**Author:** ![prettydorky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f04885/32.png) [@prettydorky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/prettydorky)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2012, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-for-a-not-so-beautiful-life-partner/635664/152 "2012-09-27T04:01:06Z")
I just don’t understand why you feel the need to point out to a woman, in song, that you are not that attracted to her. At her wedding, no less. Ok, ok, you’re all about the “honesty”… but this doesn’t seem honest, it just seems mean. Bordering on abusive, in fact. Surely there will be people in attendance who would pick up on the theme as song after song plays about unattractive women. Maybe even the poor bride. Can you imagine second cousins snickering as your new husband dedicates a song to you about how you’re not attractive, but you’re good enough? Jeez. There is a reason that _love_ songs don’t contain the dodgy sentiments you are looking for. Why don’t you just let her pick the playlist and be done with it? ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2012, 4:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-for-a-not-so-beautiful-life-partner/635664/153 "2012-09-27T04:02:45Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > O > You hardly know how matched we are. BTW a previous boyfriend of hers was a mormon and wanted other wives, etc. > . WOAH buddy, back the f up…now I know you are lying. First of all I am Mormon, and second of all I am married to a Mormon and if a true follower of Mormonism was to ever have multiple spouses they would be excommunicated from the church Tout de suite. So stop telling fibs and just keep on keepin on about your shallow attitude and obvious woman-hatred you are taking out on your girlfriend. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2012, 4:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-for-a-not-so-beautiful-life-partner/635664/154 "2012-09-27T04:20:18Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > WOAH buddy, back the f up…now I know you are lying. First of all I am Mormon, and second of all I am married to a Mormon and if a true follower of Mormonism was to ever have multiple spouses they would be excommunicated from the church Tout de suite. So stop telling fibs and just keep on keepin on about your shallow attitude and obvious woman-hatred you are taking out on your girlfriend. Even if I mentioned something on this board that wasn’t a fact, it doesn’t prove that her or I were lying about hearing about it from someone else. BTW: > **[Mormonism and polygamy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mormonism_and_polygamy)** > > Polygamy (called plural marriage by Latter-day Saints in the 19th century or the Principle by modern fundamentalist practitioners of polygamy) was practiced by leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS Church) for more than half of the 19th century, and practiced publicly from 1852 to 1890 by between 20 and 30 percent of Latter-day Saint families. Polygamy among Latter-day Saints has been controversial, both in Western society and within the LDS Church itself. Many U.S... Who says the boyfriend was a “true follower of Mormonism”? I never claimed that so you didn’t prove I was lying. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2012, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-for-a-not-so-beautiful-life-partner/635664/155 "2012-09-27T04:24:59Z")
> [@prettydorky](#): > > I just don’t understand why you feel the need to point out to a woman, in song, that you are not that attracted to her. At her wedding, no less. Ok, ok, you’re all about the “honesty”… but this doesn’t seem honest, it just seems mean. Bordering on abusive, in fact. Surely there will be people in attendance who would pick up on the theme as song after song plays about unattractive women. Maybe even the poor bride. Can you imagine second cousins snickering as your new husband dedicates a song to you about how you’re not attractive, but you’re good enough? Jeez. There is a reason that _love_ songs don’t contain the dodgy sentiments you are looking for. What about Bad English’s “When I See You Smile”? I’d consider that a love song. It doesn’t say that she is beautiful in every imaginable way… > [@](#): > > I just don’t understand why you feel the need to point out to a woman, in song, that you are not that attracted to her. Having an absence of something is different from explicitly stating an absence something. e.g. a song that didn’t mention a person’s like of some ethnic group is different to a song that explicitly says “I don’t like white people”. > [@](#): > > Why don’t you just let her pick the playlist and be done with it? Well we’re going to be dancing for a few minutes in front of a few dozen people - and I’d like to feel an emotional connection while doing it. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2012, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-for-a-not-so-beautiful-life-partner/635664/156 "2012-09-27T04:43:51Z")
BTW something I got to mention is that we sometimes joke about being good or naughty. We also give each other smacks… and play around and she threatens smacks on messages and also threatens giving me the biggest kiss of my life. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2012, 6:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-for-a-not-so-beautiful-life-partner/635664/157 "2012-09-27T06:47:17Z")
I started a thread for people who dislike me to explain it some more: [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=15532065](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=15532065) ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2012, 6:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-for-a-not-so-beautiful-life-partner/635664/158 "2012-09-27T06:59:46Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > [http://www.bobandmarlene.com/the4horsemen.pdf](http://www.bobandmarlene.com/the4horsemen.pdf) No actual idea wtf you’re getting at here. > [@](#): > > And I wasn’t “simultaneously” being lovely-dovey… I didn’t say “I love every cute little bit of you, you ugly slob” You’re simultaneously holding a coldly critical view of her and saying obnoxiously lovey-dovey things. Jesus. It’s like you’re completely unable to decipher the overall meaning of what anyone is saying. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2012, 7:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-for-a-not-so-beautiful-life-partner/635664/159 "2012-09-27T07:33:47Z")
> [@Blackberry](#): > > …You’re simultaneously holding a coldly critical view of her and saying obnoxiously lovey-dovey things. Jesus. It’s like you’re completely unable to decipher the overall meaning of what anyone is saying. The “coldly critical view of her” is regarding her exposed belly. I meant that her affection was “sweeter than all of the sugar in the universe”. That doesn’t apply to every aspect of her physical body. e.g. her tears are probably salty rather than sickly sweet and her private parts might be a bit fishy though fortunately she thinks oral sex is gross. Her anus would taste like poo and I don’t find it that attractive. ---
**Author:** ![JohnClay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c37758/32.png) [@JohnClay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnClay)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2012, 7:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-for-a-not-so-beautiful-life-partner/635664/160 "2012-09-27T07:42:38Z")
> [@Blackberry](#): > > No actual idea wtf you’re getting at here. Because of that one example I too could claim that “It’s like you’re completely unable to decipher the overall meaning of what anyone is saying”. Anyway about that link: [http://www.bobandmarlene.com/the4horsemen.pdf](http://www.bobandmarlene.com/the4horsemen.pdf) It mentions a guy I’ve promoted in this thread - Dr John Gottman… > [@](#): > > …studied more than 2,000 married couples over two decades. He discovered patterns about how partners relate to each other which can be used to predict – with 94% accuracy – which marriages will succeed and which will fail… You were claiming I was “coldly critical”… well I’m saying that truly being “coldly critical” involves explicitly talking that way… e.g. > [@](#): > > - Insults and name calling: “bitch, bastard, wimp, fat, stupid, ugly, slob, lazy…” > - Hostile humor, sarcasm or mockery I misunderstood you about what simultaneously meant. BTW what about this scenario - someone asking you whether they looked fat in some pants and you thinking that they do… (note your true gut reaction in this example is that they look fat) Which is worse? Saying “yes I think you look fat in those pants” or “you look fine” or “you look great”? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-for-a-not-so-beautiful-life-partner/635664.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-for-a-not-so-beautiful-life-partner/635664.md?page=9)