# Songs where the protagonist is a dick **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [January 28, 2018, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-where-the-protagonist-is-a-dick/807659 "2018-01-28T15:49:07Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![snoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/43a26b/32.png) [@snoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/snoe)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2018, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-where-the-protagonist-is-a-dick/807659/161 "2018-02-03T21:01:43Z")
The Magnetic Fields’ [Yeah! Oh Yeah!](https://youtu.be/vYIAvZ2Gggg) is a comic duet between a (somewhat clueless and annoying) woman and her totally evil dick of a husband. The Decemberists’ [Mariner’s Revenge Song](https://youtu.be/lEmy2DBaeTc) and [Cautionary Song](https://youtu.be/0WH2JRfLRP0) both have total dicks for narrators, though I guess the in the latter case the total dick isn’t exactly the protagonist. ---
**Author:** ![commasense](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/commasense/32/3017_2.png) [@commasense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/commasense)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2018, 8:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-where-the-protagonist-is-a-dick/807659/162 "2018-02-05T08:48:33Z")
I haven’t read the whole thread, but searching indicates that no one has mentioned Randy Newman so far. I’d conservatively estimate that about nine-tenths of his non-Disney songs are told from the perspective of a dick. Okay, 90% is a slight exaggeration, but I’d seriously wager there’s no other songwriter alive or dead with a higher percentage of protagonists who are dicks. Speaking of Newman’s second album, _12 Songs_, “AllMusic’s Mark Deming said although his sense of humor seemed more caustic than on his self-titled debut album, Newman’s ‘most mordant character studies’ on 12 Songs ‘boast a recognizable humanity, which often make his subjects both pitiable and all the more loathsome.’” [Cite.](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/12_Songs_(Randy_Newman_album)) Short People: Short People got no reason To live They got little hands Little eyes They walk around Tellin’ great big lies They got little noses And tiny little teeth They wear platform shoes On their nasty little feet Rednecks: Last night I saw Lester Maddox on a TV show With some smart-ass New York Jew And the Jew laughed at Lester Maddox And the audience laughed at Lester Maddox too Well, he may be a fool but he’s our fool If they think they’re better than him they’re wrong So I went to the park and I took some paper along And that’s where I made this song Political Science: Asia’s crowded and Europe’s too old Africa is far too hot And Canada’s too cold And South America stole our name Let’s drop the big one There’ll be no one left to blame us God’s Song (That’s Why I Love Mankind): I burn down your cities-how blind you must be I take from you your children and you say how blessed are we You all must be crazy to put your faith in me That’s why I love mankind. (Yes, the dick is God.) Back on My Feet Again: Doctor, let me tell you something about myself I’m a college man and I’m very wealthy I’ve got no time to trifle with trash like you Cause I must be 'bout my business One of the most poignant songs I know, Marie: Sometimes I’m crazy But I guess you know And I’m weak and I’m lazy And I’ve hurt you so And I don’t listen to a word you say When you’re in trouble I just turn away But I love you and I loved you the first time I saw you And I always will love you Marie I could go on, but you get the idea. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2018, 9:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-where-the-protagonist-is-a-dick/807659/163 "2018-02-05T09:51:23Z")
Without boring you with the Spanish selection (which would be be pretty large), I’d like to submit I Don’t Like Mondays. Paradise by the Dashboard Light is quite dickish but also reflects a quite common situation and I’ll admit I want to bitchslap both of them. Alternating frozen trout strokes, as it were. ---
**Author:** ![Cuckoorex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ad7895/32.png) [@Cuckoorex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cuckoorex)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2018, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-where-the-protagonist-is-a-dick/807659/164 "2018-02-07T18:42:25Z")
Misery Business by Paramore, though I can’t tell who’s the bigger dick in the song, since she brags about “stealing” a guy and sticking it to the ex, but the ex apparently is a manipulative bitch as well. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2018, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-where-the-protagonist-is-a-dick/807659/165 "2018-02-07T19:17:02Z")
[Torn Between Two Lovers](https://www.google.com/search?q=torn+between+two+lovers&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&client=firefox-b-1-ab), by Mary MacGregor. I heard it the other day and was laughing out loud at what an asshole this person is. ---
**Author:** ![StusBlues](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@StusBlues](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StusBlues)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2018, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-where-the-protagonist-is-a-dick/807659/166 "2018-02-07T19:40:58Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > Don McLean’s Empty Chairs: > > And I wonder if you know > That I never understood > That although you said you’d go > Until you did, I never thought you would > Never thought the words you said were true > Never thought you said just what you meant > Never knew how much I needed you > Never thought you’d leave, until you went > > If that ain’t a dick, what is? I have a harder time with this one. He’s made some mistakes, but he didn’t realize how serious they were until it was too late. That’s a step back from dickitude as I would reckon it. I went through a relationship like this a while back. Of all the breakups I’ve had, this one hurt the most. By far. Then again, maybe I was a dick. Perhaps I still am. ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2018, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-where-the-protagonist-is-a-dick/807659/167 "2018-02-07T20:13:31Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > Don McLean’s Empty Chairs: > > And I wonder if you know > That I never understood > That although you said you’d go > Until you did, I never thought you would > Never thought the words you said were true > Never thought you said just what you meant > Never knew how much I needed you > Never thought you’d leave, until you went > > If that ain’t a dick, what is? So, the guy ignored the girl when she said she was thinking of leaving, and he was shocked that she actually did it, and that makes him a dick? Okay. But there’s a song that turns the scenario around. In “By the Time I Get to Phoenix,” Glen Campbell is leaving a woman who ignored HIM all the times he said he was thinking of leaving, and who’ll be shocked when she realizes he actually did it. So, is Glen’s girl a dick? Or is the man always the dick, whether he’s the dumper OR the dumpee? ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-where-the-protagonist-is-a-dick/807659/168 "2018-02-08T14:26:08Z")
Working my Way Back To You. Yeah, I was abusive, but it was only to feel like a man. Now I realize the error of my ways (yeah, right) and I’ve changed and I’m going to get you back. Classic abusive behavior. I told a relative that was facing this dilemma that she’d be a fool if she took him back. ---
**Author:** ![Wheelz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wheelz/32/5718_2.png) [@Wheelz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wheelz)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2018, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-where-the-protagonist-is-a-dick/807659/169 "2018-02-08T21:59:39Z")
Heart’s “All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You.” A woman picks up a stranger with the intention of getting knocked up, and apparently never plans to tell him. ---
**Author:** ![golffan1963](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/4af34b/32.png) [@golffan1963](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/golffan1963)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2018, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-where-the-protagonist-is-a-dick/807659/170 "2018-02-13T23:09:06Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > Working my Way Back To You. > > Yeah, I was abusive, but it was only to feel like a man. Now I realize the error of my ways (yeah, right) and I’ve changed and I’m going to get you back. > > Classic abusive behavior. I told a relative that was facing this dilemma that she’d be a fool if she took him back. I just read the song lyrics, and I don’t think abuse figures into it here. The guy cheats on his girlfriend, she leaves him. He knows he was wrong, regrets it, and wants her back. The real dicks of the world aren’t people like the guy in the song. At least he knows he’s done something wrong. The REAL dicks are the people who do something wrong, won’t acknowledge it and have no regret or remorse. One of my favorite quotes was made by (IIRC) John F. Kennedy: “A mistake isn’t a mistake unless you fail to correct it”. ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2018, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-where-the-protagonist-is-a-dick/807659/171 "2018-02-14T13:26:23Z")
So… If a man is abandoned suddenly by his wife or girlfriend, he’s supposed to forget about her instantly or he’s a stalker??? ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2018, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-where-the-protagonist-is-a-dick/807659/172 "2018-02-14T14:47:23Z")
> [@golffan1963](#): > > I just read the song lyrics, and I don’t think abuse figures into it here. The guy cheats on his girlfriend, she leaves him. He knows he was wrong, regrets it, and wants her back. > > The real dicks of the world aren’t people like the guy in the song. At least he knows he’s done something wrong. The REAL dicks are the people who do something wrong, won’t acknowledge it and have no regret or remorse. > > One of my favorite quotes was made by (IIRC) John F. Kennedy: “A mistake isn’t a mistake unless you fail to correct it”. “I used to love to make you cry/It made me feel like a man inside” isn’t abusive? In what universe? And every abuser apologizes and says “I won’t do it again.” And everyone who believes that is an idiot. ---
**Author:** ![Saintly\_Loser](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saintly_loser/32/4045_2.png) [@Saintly\_Loser](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saintly_Loser)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2018, 5:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-where-the-protagonist-is-a-dick/807659/173 "2018-02-15T05:41:37Z")
_Good Morning Little Schoolgirl_, Sonny Boy Williamson, Muddy Waters, many others. > [@](#): > > Tell your mama and your papa > I once was a schoolboy, too _Did You Ever Have to Make Up Your Mind_, The Lovin’ Spoonful. _Look At That Stupid Girl_, the Rolling Stones. ---
**Author:** ![actualliberalnotoneofthose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e79b87/32.png) [@actualliberalnotoneofthose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/actualliberalnotoneofthose)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2018, 1:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-where-the-protagonist-is-a-dick/807659/174 "2018-02-15T13:03:36Z")
> [@VinylTurnip](#): > > Most, if not all, songs in the gangsta rap genre, I would think. If you think smoking weed and getting laid, like plenty of other genres, is being a dick. Then, yeah. ---
**Author:** ![Yorkshire\_Pudding](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/59ef9b/32.png) [@Yorkshire\_Pudding](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yorkshire_Pudding)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2018, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-where-the-protagonist-is-a-dick/807659/175 "2018-02-15T13:37:55Z")
“Song For Whoever” by The Beautiful South: sung from the POV of a songwriter whose only real interest is the money he can make out of the songs inspired by easily forgotten girls: "Deep so deep, the number one I hope to reap Depends upon the tears you weep, so cry, lovey cry, cry, cry, cry. Oh Cathy, oh Alison, oh Phillipa, oh Sue You made me so much money, I wrote this song for you I wrote this song for you Jennifer, Alison, Phillipa, Sue, Deborah, Annabel, too I wrote this song for you…" ---
**Author:** ![Lucas\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lucas_jackson/32/303_2.png) [@Lucas\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucas_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2018, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-where-the-protagonist-is-a-dick/807659/176 "2018-02-15T14:59:50Z")
> [@Saintly\_Loser](#): > > _Did You Ever Have to Make Up Your Mind_, The Lovin’ Spoonful. I haven’t thought about that song in years. Thanks for the BFTP. ---
**Author:** ![GargoyleWB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gargoylewb/32/199_2.png) [@GargoyleWB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GargoyleWB)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2018, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-where-the-protagonist-is-a-dick/807659/177 "2018-02-15T16:08:30Z")
Harry Nilsson “Cuddly Toy” (also covered by The Monkees) is pretty brutal: “You’re not only cuddly toy that was ever enjoyed by any boy You’re not the only choo-choo train that was left out in the rain The day after Santa came” ---
**Author:** ![Son\_of\_a\_Rich](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/son_of_a_rich/32/5439_2.png) [@Son\_of\_a\_Rich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Son_of_a_Rich)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2018, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-where-the-protagonist-is-a-dick/807659/178 "2018-02-16T14:07:51Z")
Alfie. ---
**Author:** ![Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba9def/32.png) [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Just_Asking_Questions)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2018, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-where-the-protagonist-is-a-dick/807659/179 "2018-02-16T14:46:47Z")
> [@Yorkshire\_Pudding](#): > > “Song For Whoever” by The Beautiful South: sung from the POV of a songwriter whose only real interest is the money he can make out of the songs inspired by easily forgotten girls So, in other words, the entire discography of Taylor Swift, then? 🙂 > [@GargoyleWB](#): > > Harry Nilsson “Cuddly Toy” (also covered by The Monkees) is pretty brutal: > > “You’re not only cuddly toy that was ever enjoyed by any boy > You’re not the only choo-choo train that was left out in the rain > The day after Santa came” Worse than “dick”: I heard once that the song is about a gang rape by Hells Angels. Even if that isn’t actually Nilsson’s genesis for the song, now that I’ve heard that it sure puts a damper on my enjoyment of the song. ---
**Author:** ![Horatio\_Hellpop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Horatio\_Hellpop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horatio_Hellpop)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2018, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-where-the-protagonist-is-a-dick/807659/180 "2018-02-17T13:29:16Z")
> [@Son\_of\_a\_Rich](#): > > Alfie. The Lily Allen one? Jeez, I’m glad she’s not my sister! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-where-the-protagonist-is-a-dick/807659.md?page=8) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/songs-where-the-protagonist-is-a-dick/807659.md?page=10)