# South Park 11-16-05: Tom Cruise won't come out of the Closet and Scientology. **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [November 17, 2005, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/south-park-11-16-05-tom-cruise-wont-come-out-of-the-closet-and-scientology/331437 "2005-11-17T03:16:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![BigDummy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee59a6/32.png) [@BigDummy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigDummy)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2005, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/south-park-11-16-05-tom-cruise-wont-come-out-of-the-closet-and-scientology/331437/41 "2005-11-17T18:13:58Z")
> [@jrfranchi](#): > > Sorry, I didn’t mean to cause pain, I had never seen or heard it and I am geeky about the show. I was not implying you were less than intelligent, I would have been shocked if they could have ever been that gullible and I was thinking maybe you heard a false rumor or were whooshed by a joke they made. Mistakes are easy, boy do I know that. > > Jim Thanks, but I’m pretty sure I’m just stupid. :smack: Especially since I haven’t bothered to question that belief in 8 **f-in’ YEARS!!!** :there just aren’t enough smacks: ---
**Author:** ![HPL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3da27b/32.png) [@HPL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HPL)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2005, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/south-park-11-16-05-tom-cruise-wont-come-out-of-the-closet-and-scientology/331437/42 "2005-11-17T18:47:16Z")
> [@davenportavenger](#): > > I didn’t get to see it, man there are times I wish I had cable. Anyone care to spoilerize/summarize it for me? Plot description: [Spoiler] Stan is offered a free personality test, which is composed of obviously biased questions “Do you sometimes feel as if your life has no purpose?”, etc. He is told that he’s depressed and that if he pays $240, he can be “audited” to help him get help. He eventually does so and is hooked up to a “G Machine” that checks some kind of thetan/midichorilan levels. His levels turn out to be abnormally high, and the head of the church comes to his doorstep to take him with them, claiming that Stan is the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard. Meanwhile, Tom Cruise appears and asks Stan what he thinks of him as an actor, but is severly distressed when Stan says the guy in Napoleon Dynamite is a better actor, prompting him to lock himself in stans closet and not come out. Stan is revealed the “Secret Core” of the Church of Scientology, which is a story about aliens commiting genocide 75 million years ago and the caption “This is what scientologists actually believe” at the bottom. Stan is asked to write a new gospel for the church. He agrees. Meanwhile, Nicole Kidman has no luck coaxing Cruise out of the closet, who insists he is not in the closet. John Travolta convinces Cruise to open the door and let him in, but then Travolta doesn’t want to leave the closet either. R. Kelly sings about shooting someone unless they come out of the closet. Stan writes his gospel, which among other things, says that the church should not charge money for services, at which point the head of the church gets mad and tells stan that nobody believes this and it’s all a scam to get lots and lots of money. The new gospel will allow them to extort more money from it’s owners. Stan agrees not to tell anyone. Meanwhile, R. Kelly has talked his way into the closet and now refuses to leave as well. Stan begins telling about his new gospel on the steps of his house, but eventually breaks down and tells everyone it was a scam and a lie. The leader of the church denies ever saying it was, the celebrites leave the closet and all the scientologists begin turning on stand and threatening to sue him. Stan gets pissed off and dares them all to sue him. The credits roll with all the names changed to John and Jane Smith. [/Spoiler] ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@Lord\_Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2005, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/south-park-11-16-05-tom-cruise-wont-come-out-of-the-closet-and-scientology/331437/43 "2005-11-17T18:52:22Z")
Yeah, so do you have the $240.00? ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2005, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/south-park-11-16-05-tom-cruise-wont-come-out-of-the-closet-and-scientology/331437/44 "2005-11-17T18:54:12Z")
> [@HPL](#): > > Plot description: Great job with the Description. That really was impressive. You should post that whole spoiler on Wiki for South Park Episodes. I couldn’t have done a quarter of that. Jim ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Who](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Doctor\_Who](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Who)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2005, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/south-park-11-16-05-tom-cruise-wont-come-out-of-the-closet-and-scientology/331437/45 "2005-11-17T18:54:53Z")
> [@Lord Ashtar](#): > > Yeah, so do you have the $240.00? I found this line hilarious as well. ---
**Author:** ![GargoyleWB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gargoylewb/32/199_2.png) [@GargoyleWB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GargoyleWB)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2005, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/south-park-11-16-05-tom-cruise-wont-come-out-of-the-closet-and-scientology/331437/46 "2005-11-17T19:20:39Z")
I had thought that Isaac Hayes left shortly after the Bigger Longer Uncut movie, and that someone else has taken up the Chef reigns. I recall several years ago that my friends and I were all afroth with consternation that he was being replaced, and swore to abandon the show. But the new guy translation was pretty seamless and we forgot all about it. ---
**Author:** ![lachesis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/848f3c/32.png) [@lachesis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lachesis)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2005, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/south-park-11-16-05-tom-cruise-wont-come-out-of-the-closet-and-scientology/331437/47 "2005-11-17T19:23:36Z")
/ small hijack / the ads on the bottom of the page right now just crack me up no end… {apologies for messing with some of the actual site names, but i can’t believe anyone would want to check them out for real} Church of Scientology Create Wealth To Pursue Dreams Work From Home w/Top Leaders [www.yourenotseriouslythinkingofgoingthereareyou.com](http://www.yourenotseriouslythinkingofgoingthereareyou.com) Scientology Pays You $300 Get $300 In The Next 15 Minutes For A Quick Scientology Survey! [HighProbabilityofaScamSite.com](http://HighProbabilityofaScamSite.com) Aprons on Sale now Custom Embroidery Available Online Chef Coats, Hats, Aprons, Pants [www.AllHeartChefs.com](http://www.AllHeartChefs.com) / end small hijack / ---
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2005, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/south-park-11-16-05-tom-cruise-wont-come-out-of-the-closet-and-scientology/331437/48 "2005-11-17T19:36:44Z")
> [@Diogenes the Cynic](#): > > (not that they would ever be wiling to submit their doctrines into the [p]ublic record anyway). They weren’t, but one of their ex-followers was. [The Fishman affidavit, or how the outside world found out about Xenu.](http://www.xs4all.nl/~kspaink/fishman/home.html) The CoS went from denying all knowledge of Xenu to, more recently, downplaying it and saying it’s a minor part of their ‘faith’. Which doesn’t explain why it’s such a huge secret, but nobody accuses them of being the brightest bulbs on the sign. ---
**Author:** ![ElvisL1ves](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5daacb/32.png) [@ElvisL1ves](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElvisL1ves)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2005, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/south-park-11-16-05-tom-cruise-wont-come-out-of-the-closet-and-scientology/331437/49 "2005-11-17T20:45:10Z")
> [@GargoyleWB](#): > > I had thought that Isaac Hayes left shortly after the Bigger Longer Uncut movie, and that someone else has taken up the Chef reigns. Nobody else’s voice has appeared in the role. Chef hasn’t been in any recent episodes. If Hayes is miffed, he needs to get over it. He \*owes \* his career resurgence, such as it is, to Parker and Stone. I thought this one was flat, a remake of the Mormon expose, but still just whacking some whackos. And the “Tom Cruise is gay” subplot was a single line they stretched into half an episode. But that’s just me. ---
**Author:** ![HPL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3da27b/32.png) [@HPL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HPL)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2005, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/south-park-11-16-05-tom-cruise-wont-come-out-of-the-closet-and-scientology/331437/50 "2005-11-17T21:25:33Z")
> [@Lord Ashtar](#): > > Yeah, so do you have the $240.00? I only have three-fiddy. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2005, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/south-park-11-16-05-tom-cruise-wont-come-out-of-the-closet-and-scientology/331437/51 "2005-11-17T23:12:56Z")
> [@Sampiro](#): > > Query: While there are many celebrity Scientologists and many disgrunted ex-Scientologists, are there any celebrity **ex** -Scientologists? Mimi Rodgers, Tom Cruise’s first wife, who got him into the cult. She eventually left. Nicole Kidman-she at one point was an OT II I think, before she decided it was bullshit. **Mahaloth** , as someone said, most people don’t find out the story until they’ve been thoroughly indoctrinated, brainwashed, and paid out the ass. As for finding it online, Scientologists are recquired to put some kind of censoring software on their computers, kind of like parental controls, only this filters out any negative stuff about the cult. As such, they wouldn’t be able to go to Operation Clambake and read about Xenu. I thought Isaac Hayes was in a recent episode that was anti-psychiatry, and saying anti-depressants and ritalin were evil. Or was that an old one? I heard it ran right after Cruise got into it with Matt Lauer? Yinz should head over to the official site forums. There was a Scientologist there claiming it was all slander. Either they’re lying, or they’re not high up enough to have heard the Xenu garbage yet. ---
**Author:** ![Spoke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e57/32.png) [@Spoke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoke)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2005, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/south-park-11-16-05-tom-cruise-wont-come-out-of-the-closet-and-scientology/331437/52 "2005-11-17T23:46:57Z")
> [@BigDummy](#): > > Since I think Parker & Stone have talked about being Scientologists, I’m guessing they’re certainly **Ex** - ones now. Nah. Parker belongs to an entirely different (but still weird) cult. [He is a Libertarian.](http://www.theadvocates.org/celebrities/trey-parker.html) 😉 ---
**Author:** ![HPL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3da27b/32.png) [@HPL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HPL)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2005, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/south-park-11-16-05-tom-cruise-wont-come-out-of-the-closet-and-scientology/331437/53 "2005-11-17T23:58:34Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > **Mahaloth** , as someone said, most people don’t find out the story until they’ve been thoroughly indoctrinated, brainwashed, and paid out the ass. As for finding it online, Scientologists are recquired to put some kind of censoring software on their computers, kind of like parental controls, only this filters out any negative stuff about the cult. As such, they wouldn’t be able to go to Operation Clambake and read about Xenu. > > I thought Isaac Hayes was in a recent episode that was anti-psychiatry, and saying anti-depressants and ritalin were evil. Or was that an old one? I heard it ran right after Cruise got into it with Matt Lauer? I do remember something about Katie Holmers having a CoS “minder” follow her around everywhere, telling her what to say during interviews. Creepy. Apparently Big Hubbard really is watching you everywhere you go. They went off on Ritlian in TIMMY 2000, where the kids were accidently dianosged with ADD(because they couldn’t sit through the Great Gatsby or Farewell to Arms). They started taking Ritlian and liking Phil Colins music. Cartman started seeing little pink christine augulera monsters who kept trying to eat him. ---
**Author:** ![HPL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3da27b/32.png) [@HPL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HPL)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2005, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/south-park-11-16-05-tom-cruise-wont-come-out-of-the-closet-and-scientology/331437/54 "2005-11-17T23:59:51Z")
er, Katie Holmes. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2005, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/south-park-11-16-05-tom-cruise-wont-come-out-of-the-closet-and-scientology/331437/55 "2005-11-18T02:18:19Z")
Yeah, that’s true-it’s definitely a fucked up cult-if anything, Parker and Stone were too easy on them. ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2005, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/south-park-11-16-05-tom-cruise-wont-come-out-of-the-closet-and-scientology/331437/56 "2005-11-18T02:23:48Z")
> [@spoke-](#): > > Nah. Parker belongs to an entirely different (but still weird) cult. [He is a Libertarian.](http://www.theadvocates.org/celebrities/trey-parker.html) 😉 I don’t think we’re organized enough to be a cult. For one thing, doesn’t a cult require a leader? Good luck with that one! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Silentgoldfish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@Silentgoldfish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silentgoldfish)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2005, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/south-park-11-16-05-tom-cruise-wont-come-out-of-the-closet-and-scientology/331437/57 "2005-11-18T03:45:13Z")
> [@HPL](#): > > They went off on Ritlian in TIMMY 2000, where the kids were accidently dianosged with ADD(because they couldn’t sit through the Great Gatsby or Farewell to Arms). They started taking Ritlian and liking Phil Colins music. Cartman started seeing little pink christine augulera monsters who kept trying to eat him. Yeah, but fair enough on that one. They were making fun of the overdiagnosis of ADD rather than psychiatry. There is an insane psychiatrist on the show but I don’t think that means any more than the incompetant doctor that runs the local hospital. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Borgia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_borgia/32/156_2.png) [@Larry\_Borgia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Borgia)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2005, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/south-park-11-16-05-tom-cruise-wont-come-out-of-the-closet-and-scientology/331437/58 "2005-11-18T03:45:16Z")
Just saw the episode, and it restored my faith in South Park. Hilarious, though the closet gag was a bit overdone. I loved the “This is what Scientologists actually believe” caption. Sometimes I think when there’s something supremely stupid out there, Matt and Trey are really the only ones who can tear it to pieces effectively. Mel Gibson, David Blaine, John Edward, and now the Co$. It’s stuff like that that makes me forgive them–almost–for the Mrs. Garrison episode. BTW, a friend of mine saw Isaac Hayes at a blues festival a few months ago, and she said he sang “chocolate salty balls,” so he can’t be too mad at SP. Don’t know how he’ll feel after this episode. ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2005, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/south-park-11-16-05-tom-cruise-wont-come-out-of-the-closet-and-scientology/331437/59 "2005-11-18T04:17:02Z")
No “And John Smith as the Voice of Chef” credit? I’m disappointed. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2005, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/south-park-11-16-05-tom-cruise-wont-come-out-of-the-closet-and-scientology/331437/60 "2005-11-18T04:22:11Z")
> [@](#): > > If they’re smart, they’ll ignore it. The last thing they need is to draw more attention to the episode, and it’ll be extremely hard for them to win. The worst thing they can point to is the head of the church saying it’s all a scam, and I don’t think that can be considered slander. If Mel Gibson can’t sue over the Passion episode, I don’t think the CoS can either. > > Basicaly, suing would only worsen their PR problem, making them look like a bunch of whiny idiots(assuming people didn’t know that already). > [@](#): > > The truth is a perfect defense against libel anyway. The CoS would have to prove that made factual claims that it knew to be false. They can’t claim the Xenu stuff is false (not that they would ever be wiling to submit their doctrines into the oublic record anyway). Maybe they could try to claim that the show depicted the head of the church admitting to fraud but if that character was fictional they’d probably have a hard time with it. Plus they’d also have to prove that a reasonable person would think that the claim was serious rather than a joke. That would basically be impossible for this show. > > Anyway, if any lawsuit were to go to trial, they’d have to play the episode to a jury and have to risk the laughter of the audience. I don’t think they can go near this one, but they’ll probably write a nasty letter or two. The point isn’t to win in court - the point is to harass your opponents into silence. Parker and Stone are two people - what happens if a different Scientologist files a lawsuit against them every week? Sure, Parker and Stone may win each one - but each one will require some time and money on their part. Most people eventually collapse under the wieght of constant legal battles and give up, agreeing to some public recanting and apology to make the Scientologists stop. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/south-park-11-16-05-tom-cruise-wont-come-out-of-the-closet-and-scientology/331437.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/south-park-11-16-05-tom-cruise-wont-come-out-of-the-closet-and-scientology/331437.md?page=4)