# Spawn of Satan bread slicing people!

**URL:** <https://boards.straightdope.com/t/spawn-of-satan-bread-slicing-people/144853>\
**Category:** The BBQ Pit\
**Created:** [December 25, 2002, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/spawn-of-satan-bread-slicing-people/144853 "2002-12-25T16:59:04Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 1\
**Showing post:** 27

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**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\
**Post date:** [December 29, 2002, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/spawn-of-satan-bread-slicing-people/144853/27 "2002-12-29T16:58:29Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Athena \*  
> \*\*This is my version of hell. Flavored coffee? Mannheim Steamroller? You _deserve_ the thin sliced bread! \*\*

But I had to! In order to appease the faeries camped around my house. They told me if I ever listened to Rob Zombie or Alice Cooper again, they would see to it that the Libertarians would take over. :eek:

So, I called up my Raellin congressman, Ted Kennedy, for advice. He told me to do some things that would shock a snuff porn producer.

Well, that didn’t help much, and now the police keep questioning me about the disappearance of my elderly neighbor…

I seek solace in religion. The priest answers the door with a flushed face and unfastened pants held up by one hand. “Yes?” he asks. Memories of my childhood come racing back to me…“Uh, never mind…” and I run home to the solace of my dark, damp closet.

That was when the faeries got mean.

Entering my house, they proceeded to redecorate in a Santa Fe theme, all the while playing _Dwight Yokum’s Favorite Spanish Easter Songs_.

Enraged by the Bakersfield sound of DW, and none too happy that my precious _Star Trek_ themed furniture is burning in a pile on my front lawn, I use my last line of defense. Brandishing the tire iron I keep handy next to the toilet, I become _The Beserker_, smashing faerie heads left and right.

“OG SMASH! OG SMITE!” I bellow with each crash of metal into bone.

But, outside, thousands more faeries appear.

Covered in blood, faerie guts, and pottery shards, I bow to the inevitable.

For I am but mortal man. And the faeries want flavored coffee.

I did find a nice bakery just down the way from here, tho.

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