# Spoiled children or Selfish Adults? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 31, 2012, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/spoiled-children-or-selfish-adults/633279 "2012-08-31T17:27:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2012, 1:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/spoiled-children-or-selfish-adults/633279/21 "2012-09-01T01:27:42Z")
In my family, good things that are not quite gifts (including, in our family tradition, cash) are given discretely one on one on the side at Christmas. It’s still a gift, it’s still special, but it’s not a Christmas gift. ---
**Author:** ![Rhiannon8404](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rhiannon8404/32/17929_2.png) [@Rhiannon8404](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhiannon8404)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2012, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/spoiled-children-or-selfish-adults/633279/22 "2012-09-01T01:32:08Z")
My kids gets hand-me-downs from us all the time. At Christmas and birthdays he gets new things. ---
**Author:** ![OleOneEye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/f14d63/32.png) [@OleOneEye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OleOneEye)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2012, 7:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/spoiled-children-or-selfish-adults/633279/23 "2012-09-01T07:08:16Z")
> [@johnpost](#): > > go for new with toothbrush and underwear though, even with budget problems, it makes them feel special. I can’t tell - are you being serious here or is this a chain-yank? It makes me sad that a new toothbrush and never-worn underwear are all the “special” a child gets. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2012, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/spoiled-children-or-selfish-adults/633279/24 "2012-09-01T17:55:37Z")
I agree that hand-me-downs shouldn’t be gifts to kids old enough to know the difference… but the one big exception would be a kid’s first car. Mom’s old car as a Christmas gift sounds frankly awesome. ---
**Author:** ![Sam\_I\_Am](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e495f1/32.png) [@Sam\_I\_Am](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sam_I_Am)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2012, 10:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/spoiled-children-or-selfish-adults/633279/25 "2012-09-01T22:59:29Z")
I’m not getting the outrage for giving a hand-me-down as a gift, given the right circumstance. I replaced my iPod touch because I wanted one with a camera. My daughter really wanted an iPod touch, but knew that a new one was more than we spend on Christmas gifts. I gave her my old one, and was able to buy her other gifts still that way. She was thrilled, FWIW, to open it on xmas day. She had no idea she would get one. I could have sold my used one, and turned around and bought a different used one for her…would that have been any different? ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2012, 5:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/spoiled-children-or-selfish-adults/633279/26 "2012-09-02T05:43:20Z")
I think both aspects (hand-me-down gift and parent having better version of same item) are absolutely fine. Now that I am an adult, I give my parents hand-me-down gifts (laptops, iPads), and they are delighted! ---
**Author:** ![maggenpye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ecc23a/32.png) [@maggenpye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/maggenpye)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2012, 7:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/spoiled-children-or-selfish-adults/633279/27 "2012-09-02T07:16:59Z")
I put this as a hypothetical to my kid and she said she’d be fine with the hand-me-down as a present - beats the hell out of her usual alternative of saving for months to buy it herself. And thinking back, I was too. The ancient plastic portable record player that I got for Christmas because my dad bought a new _quadrophonic_ (gasp!) system. I loved it. Me and my best mate used to take it on walks so we could play her punk records in stange and interesting places. ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2012, 8:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/spoiled-children-or-selfish-adults/633279/28 "2012-09-02T08:14:57Z")
> [@sandra\_nz](#): > > I think both aspects (hand-me-down gift and parent having better version of same item) are absolutely fine. > > Now that I am an adult, I give my parents hand-me-down gifts (laptops, iPads), and they are delighted! Especially if you present them as not so much pre-owned, but rather prechecked, pre-installed with useful software (Your precious Kindle books!) , user-friendly, debugged, and coming with a live friendly helpdesk of someone who knows the machine and its possibilities and quirks well. ---
**Author:** ![Jaledin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Jaledin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jaledin)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2012, 10:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/spoiled-children-or-selfish-adults/633279/29 "2012-09-02T10:01:48Z")
I don’t get the hate for hand-me-downs as gifts. Any kid would or should be glad to have something they can use as a treat. That’s all I ever got as a kid, and it wasn’t much and it means a lot more as I get older and realize how much my mother had to economize to get me a new GI Joe thing or both my parents for a BMX bike so I could play with the other kids. ---
**Author:** ![Ellen\_Cherry](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellen_cherry/32/3600_2.png) [@Ellen\_Cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ellen_Cherry)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2012, 11:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/spoiled-children-or-selfish-adults/633279/30 "2012-09-02T11:38:58Z")
I gave my son my iPod Touch for his birthday, a few months after I got my iPhone. He was ecstatic! I did take it to the jewelers and have it engraved with his name, though! to make it extra special. These kind of expensive electronics are a special case, in my view. Why would you let something go unused whe someone else would get a vast amount of use and enjoyment out of it? I do however disagree with the “why should my kid get the new one” philosophy in the described scenario, I would keep the older model if it still worked and suited my needs and give the child the newer one. Sometimes you just miss out on the latest thing, timing-wise. ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2012, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/spoiled-children-or-selfish-adults/633279/31 "2012-09-03T14:31:39Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > ^ Sure, but not as a Christmas present, right? I don’t remember if the computer was or not. I know the car wasn’t, because it was not the right time of year when I got it. Either way: both gifts were the most expensive gift I had ever received at that point. I would have been overjoyed with them as Christmas presents. I think the insistence on new presents is an unfortunate aspect of consumerism. I understand that people think it’s important, I just don’t understand why. As long as you’re not giving used-up junk, what’s the big deal? I recognize that I’m mostly alone in this way of thinking and that it makes me seem cheap. ---
**Author:** ![Seanette](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/seanette/32/9139_2.png) [@Seanette](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Seanette)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2012, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/spoiled-children-or-selfish-adults/633279/32 "2012-09-03T14:38:22Z")
By the “must be new” logic, giving a family heirloom (jewelry, a book, etc.) would also be out-of-bounds, since it’s “used”. I don’t measure how much someone loves me by how much money they spend on me, so if (for example) DH happens across a thrift-store item in good condition he has reason to think I’d enjoy or find useful, that’s totally fine with me. ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2012, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/spoiled-children-or-selfish-adults/633279/33 "2012-09-03T14:58:11Z")
> [@Foxy40](#): > > Yesterday I walked into a conversation that my employees were having over lunch. They were talking about an upgraded expensive electronic that was coming out soon and one mother was wondering if she should purchase it for her daughter for Christmas or get the current one still on sale which would be less expensive. > > One of the other mothers suggested she buy the new one for herself and since Mom owns the current model, she should give that one to her daughter for Christmas. > > While most thought that was tacky, there were a few that thought this was totally reasonable. One comment was “Why should my child have something better than I have when I am the one that makes the money? He should be grateful he received one at all”. > > What say you? To answer the question: The kid should be grateful, and there’s nothing wrong with the adult wanting the higher-quality item and passing the lower-quality item to her kid(s). That’s the way life works: Hand-me-downs going from oldest to youngest Adult table vs Kids table at Thanksgiving The parents get the bigger bedroom, even if three kids have to share a room When I’m 51 and she’s 16, I’ll have the nicer car When she gets her first cellphone, I’ll have the nicer one (probably) etc, etc A bit off topic… However, we do things different at our place - The way electronics work in our family is pretty simple: ‘All electronics belong to Dad. The Wii is Dad’s. So is the computer, the DSI, the TV’s, the portable DVD player, all of it. You are free to use it at Dad’s (or Mom’s) discretion, but only if you let Dad know that you are using it - a simple shout out “I’m going to watch TV!” is all that’s needed.’ This has pretty much eliminated any “but it’s mine and I get to use it when I feel like it” arguments, and has worked rather well over the years. Our word is final when it comes to using this stuff because we’ve never given her a sense of ownership over the devices (of course she “owns” her DVD’s and games, but not the players), so she understands that electronics are privileges and not rights. When she gets her own cell phone, of course, this will change, but I will say it’s been pretty effective so far. (I wrote the above w/o realizing the thread would focus on the gift aspect of the OP. IMHO, I don’t think I would give Sophia a hand-me-down as a Christmas gift, but it’s really a situational thing, isn’t it? Philosophically, I have nothing wrong with the concept… ETA2: Or what **Monstro** said in post 19. 🙂 ) ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2012, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/spoiled-children-or-selfish-adults/633279/34 "2012-09-03T15:01:09Z")
> [@Seanette](#): > > By the “must be new” logic, giving a family heirloom (jewelry, a book, etc.) would also be out-of-bounds, since it’s “used”. > > I don’t measure how much someone loves me by how much money they spend on me, so if (for example) DH happens across a thrift-store item in good condition he has reason to think I’d enjoy or find useful, that’s totally fine with me. It’s not “must be new”- if anything, it’s more “cast-offs don’t get wrapped and put under the tree” . Heirlooms and thrift store items are not being given by the original owner because he or she got a new, improved item. And I think people are seeing gifts from parents to their children differently than they see other gifts. It would be fine with me if my husband found something in a thrift store that I would like and gave it to me for Christmas. It would not be fine if he wrapped up his iPod and gave it to me because he bought himself an iPhone. ---
**Author:** ![missouri65](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/74df32/32.png) [@missouri65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/missouri65)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2012, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/spoiled-children-or-selfish-adults/633279/35 "2012-09-03T15:27:36Z")
I think the thing that troubles me about the situation in the OP is that the parent doesn’t seem to even really want the new item. It isn’t that she was thinking of getting a new one, so why not give the old one to the kid? It’s more like she thought if she was going to buy a new one, she should get it, and the kid can have the cast-off. That just seems said. It also doesn’t really sound like money is that much of an issue. It’s different to me if the parent needs the new one, or was planning to get a new one and thought the kid might enjoy the old one. ---
**Author:** ![Moonlitherial](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4bbf92/32.png) [@Moonlitherial](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moonlitherial)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2012, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/spoiled-children-or-selfish-adults/633279/36 "2012-09-03T15:31:09Z")
We have a strict hand me down policy on electronics but since my husband and I are geeks the kids appreciate it and end up with more (electronic) toys than they can use. When they are particularly valuable the kids have always had the option to work out a deal with us to contribute to the value. They each gave us a week of dogsitting in exchange for the iPads for example and my daughter bought my husbands Macbook which moved up his timetable to get a new one by several months and gave her an inexpensive (to her) laptop to take on her exchange year. We have never however given hand me downs as Christmas or birthday gifts. They don’t tend to get huge gifts on those occasions anyway as we prefer big items to be something they have a hand in deciding and planning for. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2012, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/spoiled-children-or-selfish-adults/633279/37 "2012-09-03T15:31:22Z")
> [@iamthewalrus\_3](#): > > I don’t remember if the computer was or not. I know the car wasn’t, because it was not the right time of year when I got it. > > Either way: both gifts were the most expensive gift I had ever received at that point. I would have been overjoyed with them as Christmas presents. I think the insistence on new presents is an unfortunate aspect of consumerism. I understand that people think it’s important, I just don’t understand why. As long as you’re not giving used-up junk, what’s the big deal? I recognize that I’m mostly alone in this way of thinking and that it makes me seem cheap. I agree with you. I think the idea that “shiny and new” is something really special in and of itself can be pretty destructive in the long run, because shiny and new never last. So many people are only content when they first get something–it’s the getting, not the having they crave–and I hope to shelter my kid from that. I also don’t particularly like gifts, or at least gift-orgies on special designated occasions. My son is just 10 months, but we are really hoping to downplay Christmas and birthday gifts, and make them an aspect of those days, not the exciting climax. Gifts on holidays can start to feel less like expressions of affection and more like fulfilling an entitlement, and I really hope to avoid that as well. I hope to give him all the things he wants and that I think he should have, but I don’t see holding back until two days a year. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2012, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/spoiled-children-or-selfish-adults/633279/38 "2012-09-03T16:06:15Z")
> [@iamthewalrus\_3](#): > > I think the insistence on new presents is an unfortunate aspect of consumerism. I understand that people think it’s important, I just don’t understand why. As long as you’re not giving used-up junk, what’s the big deal? It’s not that new is necessarily better; it’s that a gift that cost the giver something (in terms of money, effort, or thoughtfulness) sends a different message than one that the giver had no further use for and was just trying to get rid of. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2012, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/spoiled-children-or-selfish-adults/633279/39 "2012-09-03T16:28:40Z")
If the kid would have use for it, and be happy with it. As in, it would feel their needs. Then I wouldn’t hesitate to pass it on to them. And would expect that they be reasonably grateful to receive it. Not however, in lieu of a gift, birthday or Christmas. That’s just tacky, unnecessary, and selfish, in my opinion. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2012, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/spoiled-children-or-selfish-adults/633279/40 "2012-09-03T17:21:50Z")
Handing down an older model after an upgrade calls for a little bit of delicacy, because you don’t want to imply “I care about myself enough to get the very best, and I care about you enough to give you my second-rate leftovers.” That doesn’t mean that tech-upgrade hand-me-downs are taboo, but it should be done casually with a clear understanding that it is about finding a good home for the new item rather than a gift-exchange situation. You might say “I recently acquired an iPhone 4, but my iPhone 3 has been a great piece of technology and I’d love to see it go to a good home. Would you have a use for it?” This is especially true if the receiver has been living around and using the item themselves, and it’s not even “new to you.” Heirlooms and thrift-store finds can be great gifts, but it’s a little classier to hand those items over in person with a little speech about their significance. You might say “Before we start opening gifts, I think it’s time for you to have this. This is your grandmother’s favorite table saw. You’ve put a lot of time into woodshop at school, and I know you’ll use this well.” After that, it’s okay if the wrapped gifts are small thoughtful tokens rather than more substantial gifts. Indeed, it’s always okay to give a humble but thoughtful present. The theory behind a present is “I saw this and I thought of you, and I just had to get it for you,” not “I was cleaning out my garage, and I thought you might be able to use this”- which is a fine sentiment, but not for a gift-exchange. Antiques (that have not been in the family before) can be wrapped up, and it’s sweet to include a little printout of the background of the item. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/spoiled-children-or-selfish-adults/633279.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/spoiled-children-or-selfish-adults/633279.md?page=3)