# Spooning: Where does my bottom arm go (need answer fast) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 1, 2016, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/spooning-where-does-my-bottom-arm-go-need-answer-fast/741935 "2016-01-01T20:38:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 10\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Tibby](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tibby/32/17030_2.png) [@Tibby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tibby)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2016, 7:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/spooning-where-does-my-bottom-arm-go-need-answer-fast/741935/21 "2016-01-02T07:15:35Z")
> [@Mister\_Rik](#): > > \And therein lies my problem. > > “Spooning”\ The problem, **Mister Rik** is that you are trying to emulate the _wrong type_ of kitchen utensil in bed. You are woefully behind the times. Nobody spoons anymore; that went out about the same time as the horse and buggy. Instead of spooning with your paramour, you should be garlic pressing, or lemon zesting, or melon balling, or my favorite: pineapple coring. You’re not quite ready to nutcracker, though—that one can have a couple of unintended consequences if you don’t pay attention. …of course, horse and buggying is a pretty good bedtime maneuver, too. ---
**Author:** ![Tibby](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tibby/32/17030_2.png) [@Tibby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tibby)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2016, 9:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/spooning-where-does-my-bottom-arm-go-need-answer-fast/741935/22 "2016-01-02T09:21:23Z")
…On second thought, perhaps someone of your age and length of abstinence should stick with basic spooning. It is, after all, the Geritol of bedtime positions. But, you’ve got to get it right. You need a relationship-coach, so I guess I’m reluctantly volunteering. By your description it’s obvious you’re spooning all wrong. Where did you get the idea you’re supposed to lay parallel to your partner? That’s not how one spoon’s food and it’s not how one spoon’s people. Think about eating a bowl of chocolate pudding, for example. If you thrust your spoon parallel to the plane of the pudding surface, you will fail to scoop any pudding. If you don’t plunge your spoon you can’t have any pudding; how can you have any pudding if you don’t plunge your spoon? Jeesh, sometimes I feel like I’m talking to a [brick](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n5diMImYIIA)[wall](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQM69FCp9cc). So, lesson learned: For proper eating, the head of the spoon must be perpendicular (not parallel) to the plane of the food. The same concept applies to spooning your partner. The head on top of your body is analogous to the head of a spoon. [You should be writing this down]. Ok, so your head (typically, your face) needs to be touching your partner and your body needs to be perpendicular to your partner’s body. Got it? Where along the long axis of your partners body should you position your head (i.e. face)? Let’s go back to the pudding example again. Spooning of pudding will be most productive right in the middle of the bowl. Therefore, your face needs to be positioned at the exact bisection of your partner’s body. Now you have a choice to make: anterior approach, or posterior approach? The anterior approach is rather enjoyable, but due to anatomical structures, it’s usually too ticklish on your nose. Therefore, always use a posterior approach. Conclusion: for proper spooning, your face needs to be positioned midline-posteriorly at the bisection. This should put you somewhere in the general area between your partner’s lower back and upper thighs. How should you position your arms, you ask? Straight out, like a cross, of course. Imagine yourself as an airplane dive-bombing into a dark canyon. Perhaps your partner can even provide some propeller-like sound effects. Which brings us to the topic of aphrodisiacs. I don’t like to make assumptions, but, by the sounds of things, you’re apparently a pretty old fellow. If that’s the case, you’re probably no hot shakes to look at. So, in order to put your partner in a randy mood, you need the help of a strong aphrodisiac. Kimchi and sauerkraut are excellent aphrodisiacs, so stock up on those and feed copious amounts to your partner just before going to bed—then spoon away. You’re in for a very exciting night! When you need more relationship coaching, just ask. I got your back. ---
**Author:** ![mascaroni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/dc4da7/32.png) [@mascaroni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mascaroni)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2016, 12:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/spooning-where-does-my-bottom-arm-go-need-answer-fast/741935/23 "2016-01-02T12:48:22Z")
Your right arm’s free to post messages on this board as you lie there. I’m sure you’ll enjoy that. ---
**Author:** ![Shoeless](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shoeless/32/7099_2.png) [@Shoeless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shoeless)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2016, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/spooning-where-does-my-bottom-arm-go-need-answer-fast/741935/24 "2016-01-02T14:52:23Z")
My suggestion would be to roll over, be the “little spoon”, and let her worry about it. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![D18](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/c57346/32.png) [@D18](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D18)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2016, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/spooning-where-does-my-bottom-arm-go-need-answer-fast/741935/25 "2016-01-02T14:56:37Z")
So did you have a chance to field test our advice last night? ---
**Author:** ![Spiderman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spiderman/32/230_2.png) [@Spiderman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiderman)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2016, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/spooning-where-does-my-bottom-arm-go-need-answer-fast/741935/26 "2016-01-02T15:46:36Z")
> [@Tibby or Not Tibby](#): > > Think about eating a bowl of chocolate pudding, for example. If you thrust your spoon parallel to the plane of the pudding surface, you will fail to scoop any pudding. If you don’t plunge your spoon you can’t have any pudding; how can you have any pudding if you don’t plunge your spoon? Jeesh, sometimes I feel like I’m talking to a [brick](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n5diMImYIIA)[wall](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQM69FCp9cc). > > So, lesson learned: For proper eating, the head of the spoon must be perpendicular (not parallel) to the plane of the food. The same concept applies to spooning your partner. The head on top of your body is analogous to the head of a spoon. [You should be writing this down]. I woke up with tapioca pudding behind my knee; was I doing it right? ---
**Author:** ![eschereal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eschereal/32/18939_2.png) [@eschereal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eschereal)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2016, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/spooning-where-does-my-bottom-arm-go-need-answer-fast/741935/27 "2016-01-02T16:01:52Z")
> [@Tibby or Not Tibby](#): > > … I got your back. Sounds like what you do best. ---
**Author:** ![Mister\_Rik](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mister_rik/32/491_2.png) [@Mister\_Rik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mister_Rik)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2016, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/spooning-where-does-my-bottom-arm-go-need-answer-fast/741935/28 "2016-01-02T20:19:41Z")
> [@Rigamarole](#): > > How can you have slept in the same bed with a woman multiple times without having or even attempted to have sex? Are you sure she doesn’t think you are her gay BFF? By that point I can’t imagine anyone still expecting it to happen. We’re taking it slow for now, getting to know each other and just enjoying each other’s company. Basically, I haven’t been in a “relationship” in 13 years (and that “relationship” was … chaste. My decision, because that woman turned out to be mentally ill — I’ve posted about her before — and you know the rule) and this new woman recently _ended_ a long-term relationship. So no need to dive right in. Anyway, thanks for the tips. I tried a few things and discovered that putting my arm under her head isn’t as uncomfortable as I feared. We spent yesterday and today binge-watching season 1 of _iZombie_ on Netflix 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2016, 8:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/spooning-where-does-my-bottom-arm-go-need-answer-fast/741935/29 "2016-01-03T08:28:04Z")
> [@Mister\_Rik](#): > > We’re taking it slow for now, getting to know each other and just enjoying each other’s company. Well that’s cool but just don’t take it _too_ slow or she definitely might start thinking you _are_ her gay BFF and move on / lose interest. I think it’s a pretty fair assumption that any hetero adult woman willingly getting into bed with a hetero adult man understands and is OK with the idea that Things Will Probably Happen. You have _far_ more restraint than I for not capitalizing on that notion immediately. ---
**Author:** ![Teuton](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/teuton/32/3864_2.png) [@Teuton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Teuton)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2016, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/spooning-where-does-my-bottom-arm-go-need-answer-fast/741935/30 "2016-01-03T14:49:26Z")
> [@Mister\_Rik](#): > > We spent yesterday and today binge-watching season 1 of _iZombie_ on Netflix 🙂 And did you, er, chill afterwards? For the record, I put my arm up under my pillow. But we rarely sleep like that. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/spooning-where-does-my-bottom-arm-go-need-answer-fast/741935.md?page=1)