# SqrlCub's Gay Cross-Country Adventure (at long last)
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sqrlcubs-gay-cross-country-adventure-at-long-last/14765
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [February 25, 2000, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sqrlcubs-gay-cross-country-adventure-at-long-last/14765 "2000-02-25T21:56:00Z")
**Posts on this page:** 18
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@UncleBeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleBeer)
#### Post date: [February 25, 2000, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sqrlcubs-gay-cross-country-adventure-at-long-last/14765/1 "2000-02-25T21:56:00Z")
Day 0) Made a checklist of items to pack. No gay adventure could possible be complete without these toys.
[ul]
[li]Color coded felching straws. I know I said I never used straws for felching, but you never know when someone else may need one. My motto: Boy Scouts and SqrlCubs should always be prepared.[/li][li]Guitars. For seranading the savage breasts: Mr. Asner’s and mine. (Maybe Kris Kringle’s, too.)[/li][li]Costume Kit. Just grab my usual seaman’s bag: This is a business trip, after all; not a vacation.[/li][li]Butt floss. Need I say more?[/li][li]Ford Festiva. Pick this up at the airport leasing agency: I hope it’s lavender.[/li][/ul]
Day 1) Home to New York City at the invitation of Ed Koch.
Here I was the head judge at the Macy’s ChristmasLand auditions for next year’s Santa Clauses. Competition was ‘stiff,’ but I found a winner by throwing straws, similar to fortune reading by throwing sticks. [The Winner](http://www.dailyradar.com/peepshow/1999-10-28.html) is pictured here. Stayed overnight at the Waldorf-Astoria in Ed Koch’s suite. Met Hillary Clinton there and gave her a run-down my new PAC, The Frequently Felching Advocates. She seemed receptive and accepted my campaign donation.
Day 2) NYC to North Carolina.
Must stop by Hillbillie Hank’s Olde String Box and Washboard Shoppe to get measured for a new custom-made guitar. These fine fellers are responsible for crafting all of Bill Monroe’s mandolins. I must remember to pick up my new guitar on the way home. Played a set in a honky-tonk called, The Cubby’s Hole" with [Sleepy LaBeef](http://www.countrystandardtime.com/CDsleepylabeef.html). Spent the night in Crocker’s Nub.
Day 3) North Carolina to Vegas.
A very long drive. My hemorrhoids are really acting up; I guess no sex tonight, anal sex anyway. I made it to town just in time to get my room, grab a quick shower, alone…sigh, and head down to the lounge to play a couple sets with the [Electric Amish](http://www.electricamish.com). These guys have a lot of energy, especially Yoder, the dude who rides the bicycle to power their electric generators. After the show, I went back to my room at the Lady Luck, there’s a lousy name for a gay hotel. I wish I could have found a room at Circus Circus; that would be a more fitting placefor a flamboyant Cub with a bone in his nose to shack up for the evening.
Day 4) Vegas to Phoenix.
Participated in the [Arizona Renaissance Fair](http://www.opus1.com/emol/azrenfest/highlights.html). Highlights of the day included: naked jousting, anal armor crafts, glass blowing (those condoms are really tough to blow from glass), tossing tomatoes at an insulting peasant at the Vegetable Justice booth, pageants, parades and my favorite, riding the Butterflye Carrousel in people-powered da Vinci Flying Machines. Here’s a picture of [myself](http://www.alexthejester.com/home.html) at the fair. “Eat, drynk and be merrie” is the cry of the day. Slept in a tent with two dogs and a fuzzy goat.
Day 5) Phoenix to Scottsdale.
Thousands of Ed Asner fans from all over the world get together to share their appreciation of their favorite gruff-but-big-hearted TV editor. (Their favorite gruff-but-big-hearted _real_ editor is of course Ed Zotti. I wonder if there’s something about the name “Ed”.) The convention features key grips and gaffers who have worked with Asner during his long career, role-playing games designed to make Edders (they _hate_ being called “eddies”) feel like part of the Mary Tyler Moore team (“Can You Be Murray?” is always a big hit), collectible auctions, and more. Also, there was a rumor going around that for the 2000 convention, which is also the 20th annual, _Asner himself_ will make an appearance, at least on videotape. He was there in the _flesh_! It promises to be the best Asnercon ever! Here’s a [photo](http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/Stonewall/7265/mtm_show.jpg) I had taken at the conference of Ed and myself (I’m the one in red, as if you can’t tell). I slept in the parking lot in Ed’s Winnebago and showered with him in the morning. He let me shave his back and I saved the hair to make a pillow when I get home! Just before leaving, I decided to take Ed on the road with me for the remainder of my trip. He wasn’t too receptive to this idea, so I kidnapped him and stole the Winnebago. This was obviously the highlight of my trip; it would be the highlight of anyone’s trip.
Day 6) Scottsdale to Macon, Georgia.
Not a lot of people know this yet, but it has always been my dream to form a ‘not-for-profit’ pro-felching PAC (I broached the idea in NYC with Hillary and Ed Koch). I’m in Macon to gather funding and support for the afore-mentioned Frequently Felching Advocates or FFA, not to be confused with Future Farmers of America, as well as some special programs for Boy Scouts and other such civic-minded organizations. It isn’t surprising the group, Religious Rodent’s Rights Reactionaries (motto: Gerbils Have Feelings, too) are supporting these efforts, as are Pat Buchanan, Jesse Ventura, Ross Perot, and the rest of the Independent Felchers Party. Here’s a [photo](http://www.canoe.com/SlamWrestlingVentura/venturap3.html) I like from Macon (that’s Rossie in the dress). I’d like to report that the Scientologists are involved but I haven’t received confirmation yet. The really good news though is that Ed Asner is on board.
Day 7) Macon to Orlando.
Another great day on the road. I’ve been hired as a consultant by Disney Corp. to help plan [Gay Days at Disney](http://www.gaycruisevacations.com/gaydays2000.html). Their tentative motto: “The gayest fucking place on Earth.” Disney Studios, as part of the release of Fantasia 2000, is attempting to increase knowledge of classical music in the American public. Since, in a future version of the ongoing project of “Fantasia”, they will animate Scriabin’s “Poem of Ecstasy”, they are hiring consultants to help devise muzak versions of that and Scriabin’s sonatas to be played continuously whilst waiting in the buffet line at the restaurants of their amusement parks and cruise ships. The experiment will be inaugurated during the Gay Days of Disney.
Day 8) Orlando to Crocker’s Nub.
I made quick stop in Crocker’s Nub again to pick up my new guitar. The lousy bastards built an **electric** guitar for me, can you believe it? They said they’d changed it from an acoustic on the directions of Graeber Goodman of the Electric Amish. I must have been too drunk on Pink Squirrels the night I played in Vegas with them. Graeber and the boys said I promised to join them on an extended road tour later in the year. I’m not sure how I can get out of it now, or even if I really want to; you see, they are scheduled for the AnserCon next year. I think that may be the only way I’ll get to see Ed again since I stole his Winnebago and left him in Macon with Ross Perot.
Day 9) Finally Home.
Well, today I arrived at my humble nest and after a long relaxing honey and milk bath, I was expecting some wonderful sex with my BF. It was not to be; unfortunately, he had flown out to surprise me in Scottsdale and found me felching Ed. Now I’m going to be buried in the back yard instead of just my nuts. At least, that’s what I think this [picture](http://homepages.go.com/~stubbbone1/ROADKILL/fsquirl1.jpg) he left for me means.
I’ll leave you with this exchange between Ed Asner and myself.
Ed: Hey, Rocket J SqrlCub, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!
Sqrl: Errr… that’s not your _hat…_
Hugs, SqrlCub!
---
### Author:  [@UncleBeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleBeer)
#### Post date: [February 25, 2000, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sqrlcubs-gay-cross-country-adventure-at-long-last/14765/2 "2000-02-25T21:59:00Z")
Spectacular, the links are flawless. Sometimes I even impress myself.
* * *
_Here’s mud in yer eye!_
Yer pal, UncleBeer.
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### Author:  [@BunnyGirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BunnyGirl)
#### Post date: [February 25, 2000, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sqrlcubs-gay-cross-country-adventure-at-long-last/14765/3 "2000-02-25T22:31:00Z")
You, my fine friend, have too much time on your hands.
That being said, Beautiful!! How very creative! **I** am impressed!
Hope Sqrl likes it. It’s not everday that one has a satire written about their life.
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### Author:  [@Shadowfox](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shadowfox)
#### Post date: [February 25, 2000, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sqrlcubs-gay-cross-country-adventure-at-long-last/14765/4 "2000-02-25T22:37:00Z")
## Thank you, UncleBeer, for the biggest laugh I have had all day long. What can I say, but **you are the man!**.
Shadowfox
“The dead have risen, and they’re voting Republican!” - Bart Simpson
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### Author:  [@Polycarp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polycarp)
#### Post date: [February 25, 2000, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sqrlcubs-gay-cross-country-adventure-at-long-last/14765/5 "2000-02-25T22:37:00Z")
Great job, Uncle! I hope SqrlCub finds it as hilarious as I did!
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### Author:  [@Arnold\_Winkelried](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arnold_Winkelried)
#### Post date: [February 25, 2000, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sqrlcubs-gay-cross-country-adventure-at-long-last/14765/6 "2000-02-25T22:41:00Z")
I don’t often say this, but **ROFLMAO**!
How did you find Sleepy LaBeef and the Electric Amish?
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### Author:  [@Dirty\_Devil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dirty_Devil)
#### Post date: [February 25, 2000, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sqrlcubs-gay-cross-country-adventure-at-long-last/14765/7 "2000-02-25T22:54:00Z")
That was world class, Beer! Too funny. I agree, I’m ROTFLMAO! (I don’t think I’ll EVER look at Ed Asner the same way again.)
* * *
Free beer is ALWAYS a good thing. - Falcon
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### Author:  [@elelle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elelle)
#### Post date: [February 25, 2000, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sqrlcubs-gay-cross-country-adventure-at-long-last/14765/8 "2000-02-25T23:45:00Z")
Unc, you certainly didn’t fritter away the board downtime…brilliant!
Here’s another Birthday Smooch!
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### Author:  [@Frankie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frankie)
#### Post date: [February 26, 2000, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sqrlcubs-gay-cross-country-adventure-at-long-last/14765/9 "2000-02-26T00:23:00Z")
Nice nice work Uncle!
* * *
-Frankie
I’m a wholesale dealin papa, but I retail on the side.-Brownie McGhee
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### Author:  [@ultress](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultress)
#### Post date: [February 26, 2000, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sqrlcubs-gay-cross-country-adventure-at-long-last/14765/10 "2000-02-26T01:18:00Z")
Very good.
* * *
_I’ve learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it._
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### Author:  [@UncleBeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleBeer)
#### Post date: [February 28, 2000, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sqrlcubs-gay-cross-country-adventure-at-long-last/14765/11 "2000-02-28T15:20:00Z")
Cubster, are you going to check in and register your displeasure here?
* * *
_Here’s mud in yer eye!_
Yer pal, UncleBeer.
---
### Author:  [@Satan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satan)
#### Post date: [February 29, 2000, 8:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sqrlcubs-gay-cross-country-adventure-at-long-last/14765/12 "2000-02-29T08:46:00Z")
Wow… A Sleepy Labeef reference. Now THAT’S random!
* * *
Yer pal,
Satan
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### Author:  [@SqrlCub](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SqrlCub)
#### Post date: [February 29, 2000, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sqrlcubs-gay-cross-country-adventure-at-long-last/14765/13 "2000-02-29T16:05:00Z")
WOOHOO! I am so incredibly flattered. I got an entire thread devoted to satiring my life. I would have picked a hot pink Geo Tracker personally to make it the gayest possible car in existence. No, lesbians are not the only people allowed to drive Geo Trackers. 😉
My youngest sister actually sent me that naked picture of Santa for my birthday one year which, incidentally, is this Saturday (March 4).
I haven’t ever heard of Sleepy LaBeef before, but I suppose that I can check out some of his music. I have heard of the Electric Amish (in name only) I suppose since I just recently gigged with them I should learn what their songs sound like. 😉 I loved both of those references, BTW. They were very funny.
I would have never guessed that those furry guys would be two dogs and a goat. Those newfangled gay terms. Why wouldn’t they just stick with bears, cubs, otters, pigs (for the people who are intensely sexual) and me (Sqrl, one of a kind).
The highlight of my journey was going to Asnercon. Us Edders have to stick together. I really loved taking Ed with me the last several places I went. I couldn’t imagine it being anymore fun too bad my boyfriend had to find out about it. I have been hiding out so my boyfriend doesn’t bury me in the backyard but luckily my new pillow made from Ed’s back hair keeps me warm and comfy at night.
I have to change the name of Frequently Felching Advocates because the acronym FFA is currently being used by the Fist \*\*ckers of America as well as the Future Farmers of America (both of which are real organizations) and don’t want to be confused with the latter. Those dirty farmers and their traditional values. 😉 (I won’t go into my Farmer Brown fantasy.) I think I would be pretty safe by renaming it BSI or BSA for Butt Sucking International, Butt Sucking Affiliates, Butt Sucking Afficianados, or Butt Suckers of America.
I would like to say Disney loved my ideas on animating the Poeme D’Extasse by Scriabin. I followed the original intentions of the composer himself and basically animated the sex act. (That is a real reference by the way. The Poeme D’Extasse was originally intended as a depiction of intercourse. You really have to love programmatic (is there one m or two?) music.) I livened it up by making it into a nature documentary that documents penis size and the given animal and how much ejaculate is produced by volume in relationship to the penis size. The internal video of humpback whales crossbreeding with sperm whales was priceless and well worth the 8 bucks it costs to see a movie here.
Well, as I said after arriving I found the threat that my BF left me and am now hiding out with only my new and trusty pillow for companionship. I hope the voodoo love slave doll that I am making from the excess back hair I got from Ed will work and he will come (literally and figuratively) and take me away from this place.
HUGS!
Sqrl
PS. I love you UncleBeer. Happy belated Birthday. It figures you are so great because you are an esteemed Piscean also. Extra big hugs to you.
* * *
[SqrlCub’s Arizona Adventure](http://boards.straightdope.com/ubb/Forum4/HTML/005351.html)
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### Author:  [@dcnewsman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dcnewsman)
#### Post date: [March 1, 2000, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sqrlcubs-gay-cross-country-adventure-at-long-last/14765/14 "2000-03-01T02:39:00Z")
This is Sqrl’s BF. I know one of you on this list is hiding him. I’ve got the FBI and CIA tracking down the origination of his last post and when I find out who it is…I’ll be there. And you will have to pay for helping him feltch Ed Asner. Mwa ha ha ha ha ha
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### Author:  [@UncleBeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleBeer)
#### Post date: [March 15, 2000, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sqrlcubs-gay-cross-country-adventure-at-long-last/14765/15 "2000-03-15T23:27:00Z")
Haaa! Scared you didn’t I, Sqrl? That’s what you get for posting yet one more link to that page o’ evil. Don’t make me finish this story.
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### Author:  [@SqrlCub](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SqrlCub)
#### Post date: [March 16, 2000, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sqrlcubs-gay-cross-country-adventure-at-long-last/14765/16 "2000-03-16T16:26:00Z")
I would love for you to add onto my adventure. Be gentle… I am a delicate flower…somehow that doesn’t go over in the S&M community. 😉
HUGS!
Sqrl
* * *
[SqrlCub’s Arizona Adventure](http://boards.straightdope.com/ubb/Forum4/HTML/005351.html)
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### Author:  [@missdavis102](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/missdavis102)
#### Post date: [June 14, 2001, 12:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sqrlcubs-gay-cross-country-adventure-at-long-last/14765/17 "2001-06-14T12:36:48Z")
[bump]
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### Author:  [@SqrlCub](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SqrlCub)
#### Post date: [June 14, 2001, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sqrlcubs-gay-cross-country-adventure-at-long-last/14765/18 "2001-06-14T19:12:18Z")
I suppose this is getting bumped for another round. Contrary to popular belief, I wasn’t spending time at the Turkish Prison Resort ™. Or was I?
Make me proud.
HUGS!
Sqrl