# Star Trek universe Smackdown! Hand to hand fightin'. **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [July 15, 2002, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128 "2002-07-15T21:55:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2002, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/1 "2002-07-15T21:55:40Z")
Star Trek Universe - One on one, hand to hand fightin’ and wrasslin’. Captain Kirk vs Captain Picard’s - Kirk kicks Picards ass Worf vs Spock - Spock wins with the nerve pinch and Worf is kind of a dumbass anyway so he’ll do something stupid to lose. Janeway vs Troi - Janeway all the way Neelix vs Quark - Too close to call Uhuru vs Major Kira - Though Uhuru is a bigger woman it’s Major Kira with a leg scissor lock Captain Benjamin Sisko vs Riker - Tough guys! Sisko with an uppercut. Data vs Odo - - Both die in battle and merge into T3 like life form. Sub Commander T’Pol vs vs Seven of Nine - Cat suit commandos! Don’t care who wins, just want to watch. Wesley Crusher vs Dr. Julian Bashir - “Isn’t that ‘bad touch’ Dr. Bashir?” Don’t like my ranking or matchups? Well then, f… for goodness sake make up your own! ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2002, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/2 "2002-07-15T22:21:49Z")
You’ve got the wrong match-ups, there… I mean, Uhura was never a guerilla freedom fighter; of course Kira kicks her butt. And Riker and Troy are both wusses, and would lose against almost anyone except each other (against each other, they’d inevitably end up in a hot tub). Now, Worf vs. Kirk, that would be a showdown. ---
**Author:** ![Ferrous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Ferrous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferrous)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2002, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/3 "2002-07-15T22:44:17Z")
I agree with **Chronos**. No fair putting Uhura against Kira. Instead…Battle of the Hot Communications Officers: Uhura vs. Hoshi! Maybe in jello… ---
**Author:** ![Deadly\_Nightlight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Deadly\_Nightlight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Deadly_Nightlight)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2002, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/4 "2002-07-15T22:50:56Z")
7 of 9 vs natasha yar- 7 of 9 hopefully( I hate yar) Q vs Guinan- guinan would whoop him from here to texas lwaxana vs Picard, sorry Jean-Luc You lose I love this game, I will be back when I think of more 😃 ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2002, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/5 "2002-07-15T23:50:44Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by astro \* > **Janeway vs Troi - Janeway all the way** Hardly a fair match-up. **JANEWAY:** Come on, you, put up your dukes! **TROI:** I sense hostility, Captain. [Janeway throws a punch] **TROI:** Ow! You hit me! You weren’t supposed to hit me! That hurts! Oh, paaaaaaain! [Troi swoons because she’s such a delicate, sensitive little namby-pamby princess] ---
**Author:** ![Enola\_Straight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dec6dc/32.png) [@Enola\_Straight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enola_Straight)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2002, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/6 "2002-07-16T01:29:41Z")
Borg Queen vs Female Founder. ---
**Author:** ![Forbin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5e9695/32.png) [@Forbin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Forbin)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2002, 5:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/7 "2002-07-16T05:12:23Z")
Wesley Crusher vs Dr Smith Sissy boy slap fight. 😃 (Okay, I know Dr. Smith was from another show.) ---
**Author:** ![p\_cific\_812](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/13edae/32.png) [@p\_cific\_812](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/p_cific_812)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2002, 5:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/8 "2002-07-16T05:27:19Z")
OK, I’m not an expert Trekkie or anything… but there is one thing I know. There is no power in this universe greater than the Kirk Punch. Thats right, with this single fighting technique Captain Kirk could defeat even the most stalwart foe with a single blow. (For some reason he always held the Kirk Punch back for a while and got beat up a little-- probably out of pity/contempt for the future recipient of this devastating attack.) All your match-ups would end with Kirk standing victorious after delivering his trademark move. 'Nuff said. ---
**Author:** ![Tars\_Tarkas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Tars\_Tarkas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tars_Tarkas)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2002, 6:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/9 "2002-07-16T06:16:42Z")
Well, he had to get his shirt ripped before he could lay the Kirk Punch on his foes. Starfleet shirts were too constricting and held back Kirk Punches. The only captain that would have a chance against Kirk would be Sisko, in bald form, and then only if he got the Wormhole aliens to gank Kirk right after he rips his shirt! ---
**Author:** ![Kallessa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7993a0/32.png) [@Kallessa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kallessa)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2002, 7:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/10 "2002-07-16T07:32:35Z")
picard would beat Kirk. Kirk always lost his temper when he fought. Picard only lost his temper when he fought his brother, and that was after the Borg so it doesn’t count. Picard would duck the Kirk punch, quote Shakespeare and knock out Kirk. Without getting his shirt ripped (mores the pity, that). And what about Scotty? I think he’d be miffed to be left out to this fight. Scotty v. Jordy? No, one of them would mention the engines,and they’d both get distracted and start working together to get more power. Scotty v. Miles? nope, both Scots–unless one of them a lowlander and the other a highlander. No, got be somebody from one of the series I don’t know well. Any ideas? “Dammit Jim, I’m a doctor, not a pugalist.” ---
**Author:** ![ShadowWarrior](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7993a0/32.png) [@ShadowWarrior](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShadowWarrior)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2002, 11:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/11 "2002-07-16T11:25:03Z")
uh… scotty vs miles… both scots… unless I’ve moved here from a weird parallel universe, Miles is Irish - and as such, could pound any wimpy scot’s butt! Come to think of it, I’m not sure of Miles’ nationality, but the actor is definitely Irish! And wasn’t Uhura meant to be a member of some sort of african warrior tribe? (zulu, perhaps) I’m sure there’s some mention of her using/having a traditional spear & shield… she might be more of a match for Kira than you think! ---
**Author:** ![Odeon\_Bypass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Odeon\_Bypass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Odeon_Bypass)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2002, 1:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/12 "2002-07-16T13:02:10Z")
Uhura is (or will be, I guess) Swahili ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2002, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/13 "2002-07-16T14:25:15Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Odeon Bypass \* > \*\*Uhura is (or will be, I guess) Swahili \*\* I think Swahili is more a language description not an ethnic group identificiation as such. [qupte]Swa-hi-li (swä hee’lee) n. 1. a Bantu language, serving as a lingua franca in E and E central Africa, and the native tongue of a number of ethnic groups living along the coast of E Africa and offshore islands. [/quote] ---
**Author:** ![Ross](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e274bd/32.png) [@Ross](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ross)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2002, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/14 "2002-07-16T14:25:29Z")
THE TRIBBLES WILL WIPE THE FLOOR WITH ALL OF YOU. AT ONCE. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2002, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/15 "2002-07-16T14:25:35Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Odeon Bypass \* > \*\*Uhura is (or will be, I guess) Swahili \*\* I think Swahili is more a language description not an ethnic group identificiation as such. > [@](#): > > Swa-hi-li (swä hee’lee) n. > 1. a Bantu language, serving as a lingua > franca in E and E central Africa, and > the native tongue of a number of ethnic > groups living along the coast of E > Africa and offshore islands. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2002, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/16 "2002-07-16T14:38:42Z")
Riker vs Scotty in the “Disgusting Food-Eating Contest”. Scotty & Riker can **both** scarf down that vile & wriggling Klingon chow, but can Riker stomach hagis? ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2002, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/17 "2002-07-16T15:29:54Z")
Wesley vs one of the darling 5-year old girls in the Enterprise’s daycare “Ow, quit it! stop it! that hurt! quit it! uhhhh! I’m tellin’!” Dr. McCoy vs Dr. Krusher Dr. Krusher, because she’s THE KRUSHER! sher [sub]sher[/sub] Data vs Spock Spock’s neck pinch wouldn’t work, so Data would whoop his Vulcan ass, unless Spock was horny. Then he’d tear Data apart like tissue paper. ---
**Author:** ![FordPrefect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e99b99/32.png) [@FordPrefect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FordPrefect)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2002, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/18 "2002-07-16T16:37:14Z")
Jadsia and Seven, hair down, breasts heaving, suits ripping… damn. Of course they would be fighting over me. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2002, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/19 "2002-07-16T18:59:11Z")
> [@](#): > > Come to think of it, I’m not sure of Miles’ nationality, but the actor is definitely Irish! I’ve never met a Scott named “O’Brian”. For that matter, I’ve never met any non-Irish named “O’Brian”. If you want a _real_ match for Scotty, how about Drunk Scotty vs. Sober Scotty? I give Drunk Scotty at least 5 to 1 odds. ---
**Author:** ![Bubba\_Ray](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e19adc/32.png) [@Bubba\_Ray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bubba_Ray)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2002, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/20 "2002-07-16T20:17:22Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by FordPrefect \* > \*\*Jadsia and Seven, hair down, breasts heaving, suits ripping… damn. Of course they would be fighting over me. \*\* :: leers :: Umm… how about Chekov vs. Wesley? [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128.md?page=2)