# Star Trek universe Smackdown! Hand to hand fightin'. **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [July 15, 2002, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128 "2002-07-15T21:55:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2002, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/21 "2002-07-16T21:54:18Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by FordPrefect_ > Jadsia and Seven, hair down, breasts heaving, suits ripping… > damn. Of course they would be fighting over me. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Bubba Ray \* > \*\* > > :: leers :: > > Umm… how about Chekov vs. Wesley? \*\* If Chekov & Wesley Crusher are fighting over **ForPrefect** , I don’t wanna know about it. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2002, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/22 "2002-07-16T22:02:05Z")
Ripped-Shirt Kirk is one of the most powerful forces in the universe, second only to Mr. T and Ash (from _Evil Dead_). Of COURSE he’d mop up the floor with Picard. Sisko, however, managed to cold-clock an omnipotent being, so as long as Kirk’s shirt remains unripped, he and Sisko are on equal footing. ---
**Author:** ![Love\_Rhombus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/love_rhombus/32/10694_2.png) [@Love\_Rhombus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Love_Rhombus)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2002, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/23 "2002-07-16T22:17:58Z")
I am amazed that no one has mentioned the master of Star Trek combat… The Gorn! ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2002, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/24 "2002-07-17T01:24:37Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Kallessa \* > And what about Scotty? I think he’d be miffed to be left out to this fight. Scotty v. Jordy? No, one of them would mention the engines,and they’d both get distracted and start working together to get more power._\* Scotty beats La Forge by falling on him. Either that or he just holds out his fist and waits for La Forge to get pulled into Scott’s personal gravity well. Try this: Gul Dukat and Gul Macet vs Romulan Commander Tebok and Frederick La Rouque in a tag-team, with Bader N’D’D as Ref. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2002, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/25 "2002-07-17T01:28:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by SPOOFE \* > Sisko, however, managed to cold-clock an omnipotent being, so as long as Kirk’s shirt remains unripped, he and Sisko are on equal footing. Kirk, shirt intact (I think) gave Trelaine a solid smack, so no advantage to Sisko. ---
**Author:** ![Tim\_R.Mortiss](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tim_r.mortiss/32/142_2.png) [@Tim\_R.Mortiss](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tim_R.Mortiss)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2002, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/26 "2002-07-17T04:09:17Z")
Jadzia Dax vs. Ezri Dax - one has reach, but the other has spunk, and they both know all the same tricks, so it’d be anybody’s fight. Scotty vs… I think his name was O’Reilly? The Irish dude who was Kirk’s classmate at the academy, who popped up on the Alice-in-Wonderland planet. Advantage Scotty, better drinker. Gul Dumar always wanted to get a piece of Gul Dukat. The hate factor would make this a world-class smack-down. Kai Opaka could bitch-slap Kai Winn into the next life. I can see Sisko throwing punches at Odo, and Odo shooshing his body in big loops to avoid the blows, his head staying stationary and mocking the Captain. You know Trip wants to deck Malcolm, but Malcolm would lay him low if he tried anything. Wesley vs. the little sawed-off guy played by Clint Howard in that TOS episode…The Corbomite Maneuver?.. Wesley would still lose, the dickweed. And I’d pay real money to see the Kirk/Ash match-up that SPOOFE suggests (who want’s a little?). Okay, I’m done…Timmy ---
**Author:** ![Kallessa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7993a0/32.png) [@Kallessa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kallessa)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2002, 6:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/27 "2002-07-17T06:46:51Z")
Some alien obviously took over my brain–I know\* Miles isn’t Scottish, I do, really. Please don’t make me turn in my Star Trek Decoder Ring (The Official Insignia of Geekdom–not sold in stores), I was tired, I was trying to hard, I was mixing him up the Miles O’Keefe–no, Greystroke was English, you’re just making it worse. Um, ah, ah . . . Oh, oh!!! Q made me do it, yeah, that’s the ticket, Q took over my brain and made me write that Miles was a Scot. It wasn’t me, it was Q. Do I still get to wear my Vulcan ears? Please? ---
**Author:** ![Kallessa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7993a0/32.png) [@Kallessa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kallessa)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2002, 6:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/28 "2002-07-17T06:48:12Z")
Q also made me not preview . . . ---
**Author:** ![BraheSilver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecccb3/32.png) [@BraheSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BraheSilver)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2002, 8:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/29 "2002-07-17T08:02:26Z")
Let’s see Neelix vs. Dr. Phlox - goofy alien showdown! More? How about Bashir vs. Malcolm? My money’s on Bashir, being genetically enhanced and all, but he doesn’t seem willing to use it that much. ---
**Author:** ![sturmhauke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47c2d/32.png) [@sturmhauke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sturmhauke)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2002, 8:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/30 "2002-07-17T08:27:08Z")
This thread is way too funny. I better stop reading before I have a warp core breach. (several stardates later) How about Q vs Nagilam? Nagilam’s powers do appear more limited, but he’s also far more malicious than Q ever was. Dr. Crusher vs Dr. Pulaski. Nah, that’s be boring, they’d probably get into a shouting match at most. One of Lore’s psycho, ultraviolent Borg vs a Hirogin hunter. Drop them on an empty planet and get the hell out of the way. ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2002, 11:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/31 "2002-07-17T11:02:08Z")
> [@](#): > > Kirk, shirt intact (I think) gave Trelaine a solid smack, so no advantage to Sisko. Just means that Intact-Shirt Kirk and Sisko are on even footing, so it should be a good fight. When in doubt, bet on the tough-ass brothah who rants about the lack of flying cars. ---
**Author:** ![Pink\_Pussycat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Pink\_Pussycat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pink_Pussycat)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2002, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/32 "2002-07-18T17:03:59Z")
Kirk-vs- the Borg Collective - Kirk comes out on top, they can’t overtake his brain, he kills them all, blows up their planet-ship and he has sex with a borgette (make that 2 at one time) before it’s all done. Jordy overheard in a bar brawl: “Hey, you wouldn’t hit a guy with glasses?!” –p. ps. I’d pay money to see Kirk step off the elevator and smack Riker and Picard’s heads together like the Three Stooges. I don’t know why. And, then, walk off with that quirky, cocky Jim-grin on his face. Also, I wish someone - ANYONE - would kick the crap out of Beverly “the bore” Crusher! ---
**Author:** ![Gorgon\_Heap](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f475e1/32.png) [@Gorgon\_Heap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gorgon_Heap)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2002, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/33 "2002-07-18T17:40:41Z")
Picard’s now-dead brother vs. Jacques Chirac. - I just have to know. Wesley vs. Spot. Scotty vs. Zephram Cochrane - here’s your drunken techie brawl! Red Shirt vs. The Common Cold Barkley vs. The entire Dominion - the power of pure entropy has Barkley winning hands-down. ---
**Author:** ![AtomicDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ac91a4/32.png) [@AtomicDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AtomicDog)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2002, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/34 "2002-07-18T19:02:43Z")
“Geordi, I cannot allow you to stun my cat.” ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2002, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/35 "2002-07-18T21:48:13Z")
> [@](#): > > Wesley vs. Spot. I’ve got this mental image now of Wesley with a shredded, bloody mess of ribbons of flesh, in place of a face. It’s a definite improvement. Thanks, **Gorgon Heap**! ---
**Author:** ![ozonebaby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/eb8c5e/32.png) [@ozonebaby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ozonebaby)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2002, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/36 "2002-07-18T22:32:32Z")
I’d like to see Tovak(sp?) vs. Spock now that would be interesting. . .Captain Archer would lose against anyone he went up against, he’s a . . . well he’s just stupid and wimpy. But that’s my opinion. ---
**Author:** ![ozonebaby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/eb8c5e/32.png) [@ozonebaby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ozonebaby)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2002, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/37 "2002-07-18T22:35:51Z")
oh and Scotty vs. O’Brian wouldn’t be bad to watch either. . . ---
**Author:** ![Laughing\_Lagomorph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Laughing\_Lagomorph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Laughing_Lagomorph)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2002, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/38 "2002-07-19T02:27:59Z")
What was the name of the Cardassian tailor in DS9, you know, the one who had apparently been drummed out of the Obsidian Order? Anyway, I always thought that guy would be amazingly good in a fight to the death…I picture him fighting dirty, pulling out concealed weapons, stuff like that. You could tell he loathed Gul Dukat, and could probably hand him his head, if he wanted to. I would bet on him over any other DS9 character, except Odo. ---
**Author:** ![Laughing\_Lagomorph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Laughing\_Lagomorph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Laughing_Lagomorph)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2002, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/39 "2002-07-19T02:48:11Z")
Garrick. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2002, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128/40 "2002-07-19T20:49:02Z")
Y’know, it only just now occured to me that a tailor would have a tremendous advantage, in the context of concealed weapons. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-trek-universe-smackdown-hand-to-hand-fightin/119128.md?page=3)