# Star Wars Episode VII **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [April 8, 2007, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-wars-episode-vii/399151 "2007-04-08T02:34:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![mobo85](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mobo85](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mobo85)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2007, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-wars-episode-vii/399151/21 "2007-04-08T17:38:44Z")
[QUOTE=Terrifel] Episode VII reveals that the last several minutes of **The Empire Strikes Back** , the entirety of \*\*Return of the Jedi \*\*, and the so-called “prequels” were all hallucinations experienced by Han Solo while frozen in carbonite. [/QUOTE] The Holiday Special, however, was 100% real. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2007, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-wars-episode-vii/399151/22 "2007-04-08T18:38:16Z")
A planet where Ewoks evolved from Men!? “Get yer stinkin paws off of me, you damn, dirty…, well, not really dirty so much as sickeningly over cute, itty bitty, koala bear looking pieces of … Ah, fuck it. Go ahead and kill me, I’ve lost the will to live.” ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2007, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-wars-episode-vii/399151/23 "2007-04-08T18:42:20Z")
[QUOTE=tanstaafl] [Too late, they’re already extinct](http://www.theforce.net/swtc/holocaust.html). [/QUOTE] That’s not true…that’s impossible! ---
**Author:** ![Terrifel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c68b51/32.png) [@Terrifel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terrifel)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2007, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-wars-episode-vii/399151/24 "2007-04-08T22:21:57Z")
[QUOTE=Guinastasia] That’s not true…that’s impossible! [/QUOTE] Search your feelings; you know it to be true. ---
**Author:** ![Montgomery0](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/0ea827/32.png) [@Montgomery0](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Montgomery0)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2007, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-wars-episode-vii/399151/25 "2007-04-09T16:33:54Z")
[QUOTE=anyrose] Episode VII opens with Leia studying the ways of the Force and in lightsaber practice accidently beheads Luke (try fixing _that_ with cyber-prosthetics) [/QUOTE] They would simply graft the head of C3P0 onto his body, R2D2 would keep Luke’s head in a side compartment, to pull out whenever his droidly duties needed some levitation. Can you imagine a whole movie with C3P0 with a lightsaber? BADASS! ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@Lord\_Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2007, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-wars-episode-vii/399151/26 "2007-04-09T17:08:48Z")
[QUOTE=Montgomery0] They would simply graft the head of C3P0 onto his body, R2D2 would keep Luke’s head in a side compartment, to pull out whenever his droidly duties needed some levitation. Can you imagine a whole movie with C3P0 with a lightsaber? BADASS! [/QUOTE] You, sir, have serious mental problems. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2007, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-wars-episode-vii/399151/27 "2007-04-09T17:09:18Z")
[QUOTE=Gentle Robot] [They made Episode VII ages ago.](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087225/) [/QUOTE] Burl Ives? Good gad. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2007, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-wars-episode-vii/399151/28 "2007-04-09T17:23:45Z")
[QUOTE=Terrifel] The movie opens as Han is thawed out to find himself in the clutches of the nefarious Jabba the Hutt, [/QUOTE] But, but, the slave girl suit… ---
**Author:** ![Terrifel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c68b51/32.png) [@Terrifel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terrifel)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2007, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-wars-episode-vii/399151/29 "2007-04-09T18:15:26Z")
[QUOTE=carnivorousplant] But, but, the slave girl suit… [/QUOTE] Hmmm… good point, actually. All right then, try this on for size: While trapped helplessly in carbonite for months, Han’s subconscious mind has achieved a state of such extreme horniness that he begins experiencing spontaneous Force-like precognitive visions, which are incorporated seamlessly into his hallucinations. Leia’s slave bikini is one of those visions. Meanwhile, as the Rebels are attempting to establish their provisional alliance with Jabba, the stocky Space-Irish crime lord captures Leia to use as a bargaining chip (taking care to dress her appropriately). Later, when Han is thawed out, the first sight to greet his hibernation-weakened eyes is… ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2007, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-wars-episode-vii/399151/30 "2007-04-09T18:18:59Z")
[QUOTE=Terrifel] Hmmm… good point, actually… Later, when Han is thawed out, the first sight to greet his hibernation-weakened eyes is… [/QUOTE] You have my vote. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2007, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-wars-episode-vii/399151/31 "2007-04-09T19:56:15Z")
> [@](#): > > But, but, the slave girl suit… Right. There were a number of things wrong with Episode VI, but the gold bikini is non-negotiable. Actually, though, one could vastly improve _Return of the Jedi_ simply by replacing the Ewoks with the originally-envisioned Wookies. Ewoks kicking butt is ludicrously saccarine, but Wookies kicking but is simply the natural order of the Universe. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2007, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-wars-episode-vii/399151/32 "2007-04-09T20:05:24Z")
An army of butt kickin bootylicious babes wearing different types of skimpy metallic outfits (some of them just in butt kickin metallic body paint) and kickin butt would’ve kicked butt. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2007, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-wars-episode-vii/399151/33 "2007-04-09T20:24:57Z")
[QUOTE=NoClueBoy] An army of butt kickin bootylicious babes [/QUOTE] NoClue! My old friend! You’re still alive! …and still fixated on…many of the things I am, though somewhat more exuberantly. ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2007, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-wars-episode-vii/399151/34 "2007-04-09T20:27:45Z")
[QUOTE=NoClueBoy] An army of butt kickin bootylicious babes [/QUOTE] The Schwartz is strong in this one. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2007, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-wars-episode-vii/399151/35 "2007-04-09T20:33:59Z")
[QUOTE=NoClueBoy] A planet where Ewoks evolved from Men!? “Get yer stinkin paws off of me, you damn, dirty…, well, not really dirty so much as sickeningly over cute, itty bitty, koala bear looking pieces of … Ah, fuck it. Go ahead and kill me, I’ve lost the will to live.” [/QUOTE] “You did it, you idiots! God damn you! God damn you to Hell!” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![essell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/34f0e0/32.png) [@essell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/essell)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2007, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-wars-episode-vii/399151/36 "2007-04-09T20:38:13Z")
[QUOTE=Chronos] Right. There were a number of things wrong with Episode VI, but the gold bikini is non-negotiable. [/QUOTE] Merchandising, Merchandising, where the real money from the move is made! 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2007, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-wars-episode-vii/399151/37 "2007-04-09T22:50:43Z")
[QUOTE=carnivorousplant] NoClue! My old friend! You’re still alive! [/QUOTE] I am a ghola. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2007, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-wars-episode-vii/399151/38 "2007-04-09T23:07:40Z")
[QUOTE=NoClueBoy] I am a ghola. [/QUOTE] You can be arrested for that in Mississippi. ---
**Author:** ![FriarTed](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/friarted/32/1052_2.png) [@FriarTed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FriarTed)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2007, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-wars-episode-vii/399151/39 "2007-04-10T01:18:50Z")
[QUOTE=Evil Captor] I had envisioned a sequel in which after the success of the rebellion, Princess Leia, scarred by certain experiences she had as Jabba’s slavegirl (extended hentai-like flashback sequence here) becomes a fanatical crusader against slavery, especially Hutt slaving operations. Mucho scenes of Leia and her army pouncing on slaver headquarters and kicking slaver ass and rescuing slaves. Oh, yeah, to show her solidarity with slaves everywhere, she wears her metal bikini at all times. [/QUOTE] Add “scripted by Quentin Tarantino and directed by Richard Rodriquez” and I am in! ---
**Author:** ![Raguleader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/258eb7/32.png) [@Raguleader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Raguleader)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2007, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-wars-episode-vii/399151/40 "2007-04-10T01:31:20Z")
[QUOTE=FriarTed] Add “scripted by Quentin Tarantino and directed by Richard Rodriquez” and I am in! [/QUOTE] And of course, bring in Selma Hayak and Eva Mendez as Han(rietta) Solo and Admiral Piett, and Danny Trejo as Boba Fett (Danny Trejo being a total scary badass doesn’t preclude him from being the victim of slapstick if necessary) Johnny Depp can be the manipulating-behind-the-scenes Stormtrooper With No Eyes, playing Jabba the Hutt (played by Willem Dafoe with a tacky fake Irish accent) against Emporer Palpatine (played by Ian McDiarmid, really can’t top that one). Chicleta Ewok will eventually become the sidekick of the Stormtrooper with No Eyes. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-wars-episode-vii/399151.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/star-wars-episode-vii/399151.md?page=3)