# Starbucks for the Brain-cell Impaired, Lesson One (a bit long)
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534
**Category:** The BBQ Pit
**Created:** [September 19, 2001, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534 "2001-09-19T04:33:57Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Dragonblink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dragonblink)
#### Post date: [September 19, 2001, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/1 "2001-09-19T04:33:57Z")
Okay, maybe this is a bit of an insignificant thing to rant about, but after the week I had, it’s either this or attack someone with bits of the espresso machine.
It is perfectly okay to order a complicated drink at your local coffee shop (in this case, Starbucks). For example, the drink I’ve taught my diabetic mother to get is an iced decaf sugarfree non-fat caramel macchiato.
However, and here is where Lesson One comes in, it is NOT okay to be a bitchy nutwrinkle about it.
Example one: Yuppie ho comes in, grabs two Venti cups and snaps, “You’re gonna have to write this down.” (Um, duh, that’s standard operating procedure for drinks?) She proceeds to order a drink that requires the barista to watch the espresso shots as they draw and pull them at an exact second, heat two jugs (one nonfat one soy) to an exact temperature and wait for them to separate so there’s no foam, etc etc etc. (I hope I translated that well enough for those of you who don’t speak conversational Coffee) “I’ll be right back,” she says, and leaves.
Twenty seconds later she is back, exclaiming loudly “What? It’s not finished yet?! I have a class at 6:30 and I’m already late!” Great, lady, you walked into a Starbucks five minutes AFTER your class started, ordered the world’s most complicated drink, and you’re pissed because we can’t go back in time and make it ten minutes ago?
Example two, which occurred just today: Lady orders an incredibly complicated iced soy latte. She goes so far as to specify TEN CUBES OF ICE before reiterating the entire order. My helpful coworker writes it all on the side of the cup, rings her up, and hands the cup to me so I can make the drink.
As I am making the drink (exactly as she ordered it), she leans on the bar and pelts me with questions and comments. “Yeah, I want it nearly all soy, like about ten cubes of ice. Is that a grande? Oh, you’re making it a single right?” For Gods’ sakes, woman, what did you think my coworker was writing on the cup, gang tags? C&C Starbucks representing! Thankfully, the skanky yuppie wanders away.
Upon finishing the drink, I proceed to call it in the standard, Starbucks-approved way. “Iced decaf grande …” etc. She comes up, looks at it, and says “Is it decaf?” No, I’m lying to you, rectal rocket! (there’s that anal fixation for y’alls) I need you more caffeinated!
So, to sum up today’s lesson: Go ahead, order a complicated drink. It’s our job to make your drink the way you want it. But for the love of all that is caffeinated and delicious, shut the fuck up about it! If you’ve been in here often enough to discover a beverage order that complicated, you should know how long it takes. If there’s a reason you need to be absolutely sure your drink is made a certain way, mention it to us and we’ll care. “I need exactly ten cubes of ice, otherwise a temporal rift will open in the parking lot and it’ll scratch my paint job.” Don’t nag the person behind the bar. You have no idea how many handy weapons there are in and around your average industrial espresso machine.
And do yourself a favor – do not piss off people who work in food service.
Tune in next time, when the Starbucks for the Braincell Impaired lesson will be “Drinks come in sizes!”, followed by a helpful segment on the Geometry of a Line.
– Dragonblink the Deranged Barista, who hopes that her first Pit rant isn’t as gimpy as it looks to her right now.
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### Author:  [@Cap\_n\_Crude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cap_n_Crude)
#### Post date: [September 19, 2001, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/2 "2001-09-19T04:53:40Z")
Hey, it’s all good, Madam Barista. I never could quite understand the “Venti double-decaf Turkish half-caf soy latte vanilla almond Guavachino” mindset, but you’d hope they could at least make their orders without getting all up in your grill. You should have invited each idiot behind the bar to nibble your clit, just to give her mouth something to do other than waste valuable oxygen.
Whatever happened to a nice cup of black coffee, anyway?
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### Author:  [@Ruffian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruffian)
#### Post date: [September 19, 2001, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/3 "2001-09-19T05:01:31Z")
Hell, I’ll be happy if Starbucks ever gets my “caramel syrup mocha” right. 75% of the time, they put in that super thick ice cream topping caramel. I just want the flavor syrup! You know, the stuff that’s _meant_ for coffee!
It’s gotten so bad I don’t bother ordering it anymore. I did complain, though, and got 3 free drinks out of it. Of course, they didn’t get THOSE right either. And the order only consists of three words! Four including size! Grrr.
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### Author:  [@theendisnear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/theendisnear)
#### Post date: [September 19, 2001, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/4 "2001-09-19T05:07:55Z")
Before i agree with everything you said i want to know something, if i walk into your starbucks and ask for a “coffee” would i get an actual cup of regular coffee?
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### Author:  [@Doc\_Nickel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doc_Nickel)
#### Post date: [September 19, 2001, 6:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/5 "2001-09-19T06:16:21Z")
They’d probably look at you funny, and maybe press that Mr. Burns’ signature series “Release The Hounds” button.
It’d be like walking into a car dealership and saying “I just want a Car. A plain car, no frills. And hurry, my yoga class starts in eight minutes.”
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### Author:  [@leander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leander)
#### Post date: [September 19, 2001, 6:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/6 "2001-09-19T06:26:55Z")
Personally, I have the greatest sympathy for anyone who works in food service, esp. a Starbucks. I would not want to be on the receiving end of fifty strung out college students needing their “fix”, shouting incomprehensible “double-no-fat-extra-mocha-decaf-latte-blah-blah-blah.” Kudos for not killing anyone.
And he/she’s right - never piss off food service workers. During my limited tenure as one, I saw things that would scare the shit out of a dead rat. Spitting in your food is the least of your worries.
Anyone have any good horror stories?
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### Author:  [@minty\_green](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/minty_green)
#### Post date: [September 19, 2001, 6:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/7 "2001-09-19T06:41:37Z")
Personally, I want all Starbucks employees to suffer unspeakable nightmares and terrible moments of self-doubt until they learn the words _small_, _medium_, and _large_.
Until those words appear on your menu, I hope every customer who walks into your store pesters you with the most pretentious bullshit they can possibly imagine.
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### Author:  [@Dijon\_Warlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dijon_Warlock)
#### Post date: [September 19, 2001, 7:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/8 "2001-09-19T07:02:02Z")
Now, ya see…I’ve never been to a Starbuck’s because I’m not a big coffee drinker. So I can’t help but be curious: Is this why prices are so high? :eek:
> [@](#):
>
> _Originally posted by **Cap’n Crude:** _\*\*
>
> You should have invited each idiot behind the bar to nibble your clit, just to give her mouth something to do… \*\*
**Dijon** , who has evidently underestimated the coffee experience.
(“Bitchy Nutwrinkle” would make a great band name, BTW)
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### Author:  [@kabbes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kabbes)
#### Post date: [September 19, 2001, 8:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/9 "2001-09-19T08:58:31Z")
Au contraire, **Doc Nickel** , I always simply ask for “a cup of black coffee” and I inevitably get a rather grateful look in return.
pan
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### Author:  [@Doc\_Nickel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doc_Nickel)
#### Post date: [September 19, 2001, 9:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/10 "2001-09-19T09:44:52Z")
Pure facetiousness on my part, I assure you. 😃
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### Author:  [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)
#### Post date: [September 19, 2001, 9:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/11 "2001-09-19T09:47:02Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Dragonblink \*
> \*\* But for the love of all that is caffeinated and delicious, \*\*
Now that’s a great line!
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### Author:  [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)
#### Post date: [September 19, 2001, 9:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/12 "2001-09-19T09:49:08Z")
_Soy_ coffee?
[Denis Leary] Huh? Did I miss a fucking meeting about the coffee? [/ Denis Leary]
You’re joking, right? There’s no such thing as soy coffee! Heh! Right?
RIGHT?
Coldfire
_Espresso, no sugar - grazie_
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### Author:  [@TwistofFate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TwistofFate)
#### Post date: [September 19, 2001, 10:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/13 "2001-09-19T10:20:15Z")
you can get every fucking flavour except _coffee_ flavoured coffee.
“Would you like a menu?”
[www.blowme.com](http://www.blowme.com)!!
Coffee dosent need a menu!! It needs a cup! maybe a saucer with the cup but thats it!!
Pull up your pants!!
[sub] can you tell I listen to too much Denis Leary? [/sub]
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### Author:  [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)
#### Post date: [September 19, 2001, 10:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/14 "2001-09-19T10:25:45Z")
> [@](#):
>
> Coffee kulada, what the hell is that about? Man, when I was a kid Dunkin Donuts had two things, coffee and donuts and that was it. You took the donut, you dunked it in the coffee, thus the fucking title of the place. Dunkin Donuts. That’s all they had, donuts and coffee, nothing else. They had no ice, no napkins, no soda, no salt, no pepper, no croissant, nothing. You walk in there now, there’s soup flying around, people are eating finger sandwiches. They got their donuts displayed in a case like relics from a former era, you know. “Here’s what we used to serve, we used to fry them up and sell them by the dozen, back in the seventies”.
Denis Leary’s the MAN when it comes to coffee rants. 😃
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### Author:  [@Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Barbarian)
#### Post date: [September 19, 2001, 10:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/15 "2001-09-19T10:28:27Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by leander \*
> \*\*
> Anyone have any good horror stories? \*\*
Fire extinguisher fight in the back. FOOOSH!
Shovelling pepperoni off the floor and onto pizzas.
Pouring anchovy oil all over a pizza.
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### Author:  [@Crafter\_Man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crafter_Man)
#### Post date: [September 19, 2001, 11:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/16 "2001-09-19T11:46:07Z")
I grab a cup of black coffee from the local Sunoco station every morning. Blame my low-brow Midwestern upbringing…
BUT, I was driving by campus yesterday and noticed a **Starbucks** going up. Can’t wait till they open… I’m gonna go in there and order a “Sunoco coffee.”
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### Author:  [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)
#### Post date: [September 19, 2001, 12:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/17 "2001-09-19T12:43:05Z")
There’s an episode of Gilmore Girls where Lorelei Gilmore walks into a coffee shop to meet her potential boyfriend. He’s drinking tea or water or something innocuous rather than coffee, because he tried to order coffee and there was a big, confusing issue over the “dry or wet foam” issue, so he bailed.
I’ve been there. Went into the local slacker yuppie friends internet coffee bar, tried to order a cup of coffee and got hit with five different terms, none of which I knew (Americano? Dry? Huh?). Very traumatic. Shoulda gone to Starbucks.
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### Author:  [@MsRobyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsRobyn)
#### Post date: [September 19, 2001, 1:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/18 "2001-09-19T13:03:19Z")
Great rant, **dragonblink** , and long overdue.
When I left Minnesota, I left a coffeehouse called Caribou Coffee behind. They had some amazing coffee drinks. But they also knew how to make them! I miss them, especially when I go to Starbucks and am met with a blank look for ordering a venti caffe mocha with two extra shots of espresso and whipped cream.
[sub]Psst! Anyone who wants to can get me a cappuccino machine for Hanukkah! :D[/sub]
Robin
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### Author:  [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)
#### Post date: [September 19, 2001, 1:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/19 "2001-09-19T13:16:39Z")
[hijack]
This wasn’t worth a thread of its own, but everytime Starbucks comes up, I want to vent again. Picture this:
Late at night, Midtown NYC, getting ready to head home after a night on the town. Stop at Starbucks to get… a cup of **decaf** [ominous music]
“Sorry, we’re all out.”
“All out?” (confusion setting in)
“Yes, we ran out a little while ago and didn’t make another pot.”
“Didn’t make another pot?” (confusion remains)
“Right, we’d probably throw out half of it, since we’re closing soon.”
“Ahhhhokay… nevermind, I’ll go next door to McD’s and get it, thx.”
WTF?!?!? You’re a friggin coffee shop, and it’s apparently too much to expect you to actually have coffee! [insert witty reference to Monty Python’s Cheese Shop skit]
I bet if I ordered a Venti Moccachino latte, with dry foam soy milk or some other wacky pseudocoffee I woulda had no trouble at all.
[/hijack]
Thank you. I’ll take one large, regular coffee, please.
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### Author:  [@friedo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/friedo)
#### Post date: [September 19, 2001, 1:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/20 "2001-09-19T13:19:10Z")
What the fuck ever happened to
> [@](#):
>
> Coffee. Black.
?
Nothing else is as holy as plain black coffee.
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