# Starbucks for the Brain-cell Impaired, Lesson One (a bit long) **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [September 19, 2001, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534 "2001-09-19T04:33:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![anya\_marie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ebca7d/32.png) [@anya\_marie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anya_marie)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/41 "2001-09-19T20:00:55Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by friedo \* > \*\*Nothing else is as holy as plain black coffee. \*\* Testify. That is what my boss has said once to me. ---
**Author:** ![Dragonblink](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Dragonblink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dragonblink)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/42 "2001-09-19T20:21:39Z")
Allow me to say a few things in defense of my employer, with the side note that I never bought coffee at Starbucks until I started working there. $1.40 for a cup of coffee isn’t bad, but the rest of the menu board … Ruffian – the problem with the “caramel syrup mocha” is that the Caramel Mocha on the menu board is nothing more than a regular mocha with that ice-cream topping caramel goo on top. This is undoubtedly what the register monkey thinks you mean. I don’t understand it either, I’ve ordered a “mocha with a shot of caramel” at other places and they knew exactly what I meant. Yes, I know the sizes make no sense. I wish I could find the marketing crack whore who came up with “Tall, grande, venti ™” and give them a big fat slimy lick on the forehead. I assure you, if you come into my Starbucks at least and ask for a small, medium, or a large, we will understand. And we will be grateful, because most of our customers don’t seem to grok that drinks come in sizes. (“Can I get a mocha frappuccino?” “Sure, what size would you like?” [customer gives puzzled look, as if I’d just asked if s/he would like his/her spoo boiled or fried]) I’m not getting into the argument of whether Starbucks coffee is any good. 🙂 I like it, but then again I’ve also drunk Folgers Singles, and I was born into the coffee-drinking world drinking that powdered mocha coffee stuff. I will, however, note that if the employees are doing their job, the black coffee they serve is never more than an hour old. That would be the irritating beeping you may occasionally hear – the timer on the coffee urn going off to induce the Pavlovian response of brewing more. leander – It’s “she”. 🙂 Well, most of the time at least. Oh, and feel free to use the term “Bitchy nutwrinkle” ™, oh wise and noble Dopers. My mom thought it was funny too. Maybe I should start an “Ask the Starbucks Barista” thread? ---
**Author:** ![PotLuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bbce88/32.png) [@PotLuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PotLuck)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/43 "2001-09-19T22:26:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by RickJay \* > **If you want good retail coffee, folks, Tim Horton’s beats them all.** Can I get a witness … and a large double double with a family pack of assorted Timbits? ---
**Author:** ![absimia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/bbe5ce/32.png) [@absimia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/absimia)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/44 "2001-09-19T22:45:01Z")
I have much sympathy for the baristas and leads at S’Bucks. They don’t make the rules or the crazy lingo. For instance, I’'m quite certain (in an opinion kinda way) it was a corporate manager type who decided, “I think the company should be more _exotic_” and therefore came up with them thar ferr-in werds for the sizes. Slightly off subject, back when Mrs. Absima was a barista, she worked right under the regional office here in Chicago and the corporate drones came down all the time to get their (free) fix. There was one fella who decided that the sign saying “This register closed. Please go to open register” was rude and evil. He therefore made it his mission to eradicate this blight upon the coffee swilling community. He did this even though: The workers thought it was a dumb idea. The store managers thought it was a dumb idea. The _customers_ thought it was a dumb idea. No, by god, he had found his mission. His mark. His windmill. How annoying. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2001, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/45 "2001-09-19T22:48:41Z")
NO ONE has posted a link to [http://www.customerssuck.com](http://www.customerssuck.com) yet? \*hint hint-I’m a mod there, it rocks, go there…teehee! I’m not a coffee drinker, btw. And I don’t get frappucinos-I bought a bottle once-what the hell-it tastes like COLD COFFEE? What the fuck? ---
**Author:** ![InkBlot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/b5e925/32.png) [@InkBlot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/InkBlot)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/46 "2001-09-20T14:19:56Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by absimia_ > **There was one fella who decided that the sign saying “This register closed. Please go to open register” was rude and evil. He therefore made it his mission to eradicate this blight upon the coffee swilling community.** So, I’m curious (not being a Starbucks customer), did this result in some strangly worded sign such as, “this payment rendering station unable to fulfill your caffinated needs, please consult the next caffe expert”? or did they decree no register shall ever be closed again? inkblot ---
**Author:** ![Rosewood](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/a698b9/32.png) [@Rosewood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rosewood)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/47 "2001-09-20T17:05:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by kabbes \* > \*\ ***wireless** - but what happens when you ask for “regular” and they interpret that as “small”? > > This, sadly, is a bastardisation of language that seems to be near-universal in chain-service joints across the globe. > > pan \*\* I dislike Starbucks, not because of the service or the menu that kinda sorta looks like English but might not be, but because their coffee tastes like charcoal. Well, I mean, all coffee tastes like charcoal, but there are degrees of things. That grande/tall/mega/giga stuff is incomprhensible to me. Why not just let us know how many ounces it is? As for pan’s comment on sizing in the industry, YES. I can remember a couple years ago, ordering a “small” fries from [the nation’s largest fast food chain]. I got two pounds of fries. They must’ve changed their sizing in the meantime due to customer complaints, since when I ask for a small these days, I get the little bag of fries that comes with the child’s meal, just as I wanted. ---
**Author:** ![Macro\_Man](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f19dbf/32.png) [@Macro\_Man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Macro_Man)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/48 "2001-09-20T17:19:42Z")
Admittedly, Macro Man occasionally indulges in an operpriced, oversweet coffe drink from Starbucks. However… I feel kinda silly going there to sit and relax…like I’m living out a “Friends” fantasy… like Chandler is gonna breeze in and make a witty, self deprecating remark. That’s just me, however. ---
**Author:** ![Dragonblink](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Dragonblink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dragonblink)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/49 "2001-09-20T18:35:22Z")
Incidentally, the menu should say how many ounces the various sizes are. If I recall correctly, a tall is 12 oz, a grande is 16 oz, a hot venti is 20 oz and a cold venti is 24 oz. Some of our customers have done the math and found that if they go to Starbucks with a friend, and they both want the same kind of frappuccino (or other cold drink), it is much more cost effective to ask for a venti frap in two tall cups. Playng the cup game like this can save all sorts of cash. for instance, if you like cream in your coffee, ask for a tall or grande in a venti cup. This way, you get more coffee (as they’re not leaving room in the already misnamed tall cup for the cream). ---
**Author:** ![fierra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/58956e/32.png) [@fierra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fierra)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/50 "2001-09-20T18:36:30Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by kabbes \* > \*_Ain’t that the truth **Uke**. The best coffee I’ve ever come across is from the “4 in 1 cafe”_ > > \*No, I’ve absolutely _no_ idea what this means. \*\* Well, 3 in 1 is a type of oil, and if it’s a greasy spoon…they may have thought it was funny & obvious. Guin - frappacino is not cold coffee. I don’t like coffee. I do like mocha frappacino. ---
**Author:** ![minty\_green](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f6c823/32.png) [@minty\_green](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/minty_green)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/51 "2001-09-20T19:02:38Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Dragonblink \* > Incidentally, the menu should say how many ounces the various sizes are. If I recall correctly, a **[small]** is 12 oz, a **[medium]** is 16 oz, a hot **[large]** is 20 oz and a cold **[large]** is 24 oz. > > Some of our customers have done the math and found that if they go to Starbucks with a friend, and they both want the same kind of frappuccino (or other cold drink), it is much more cost effective to ask for a **[large]** frap in two **[small]** cups. > > Playng the cup game like this can save all sorts of cash. for instance, if you like cream in your coffee, ask for a **[small]** or **[medium]** in a **[large]** cup. This way, you get more coffee (as they’re not leaving room in the already misnamed **[small]** cup for the cream). There, isn’t that better? ---
**Author:** ![Ruffian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/71e660/32.png) [@Ruffian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruffian)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2001, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/52 "2001-09-20T23:56:28Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Manservant Hecubus \* > \*\*Personally, I would prefer a half double decaffeinated half-caf, with a twist of lemon. \*\* Ooh, I’ll have a twist of lemon! “I’ll have a twist of lemon!” “Twist of lemon!” “I’ll have a twist of lemon!” et al. [sub]Just letting Manservant know someone got the joke…I love that movie![/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/53 "2001-09-21T02:22:54Z")
I just wanted to let you know that this Thread Title just cracked me up. and Two, I have been boycotting Starbucks for so long that I’ve forgotten the reason, until this thread: They had single handedly made it impossible to order a cup of regular coffee. If I have to stand behind another mouth breathing fuckknuckle slack jawed Amerbercombie & Fitch wearing drone ordering their half caf, double soy twist with a sumerian flip flop choco-latte with sprinkles on it, I will…I can’t print it here, then it would be premeditated. Breathe, Shirley, Breathe. Sending man to the moon is easier than getting a cup of joe. Also, for your edification: Starbucks sizing is **not** small, medium, large, per se. It \*is \* Not Enough, Just About Right and Up All Night Bladder Buster. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/54 "2001-09-21T02:31:12Z")
I KNOW It’s not cold coffee, but that’s what it tasted like. Blech. ---
**Author:** ![Morgyn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/morgyn/32/3041_2.png) [@Morgyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morgyn)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 2:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/55 "2001-09-21T02:55:03Z")
Could someone please explain what a “barista” is? It’s not in Mirriam-Webster’s online (and my big dictionary is at work, where I, thankfully, am not right now). The closest they could come was “barrister”, and somehow I don’t think Starbucks has a bunch of lawyers serving coffee. ---
**Author:** ![minty\_green](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f6c823/32.png) [@minty\_green](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/minty_green)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/56 "2001-09-21T02:59:43Z")
**bar-i-sta:** Minimum wage food service industry employee who thinks he/she is too cool to work at McDonald’s and speaks a language almost, but not entirely, unlike English. ---
**Author:** ![Dragonblink](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Dragonblink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dragonblink)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/57 "2001-09-21T03:09:30Z")
I seem to have incurred the wrath of Minty Green by being forced to work the closest available minimum wage job with one of the best local employers in order to pay my rent. ---
**Author:** ![minty\_green](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f6c823/32.png) [@minty\_green](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/minty_green)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/58 "2001-09-21T03:17:37Z")
Just repeat to yourself, **Dragonblink** : _small_, _medium_, and _large_. Then use it. Fight the power! ---
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/59 "2001-09-21T03:20:09Z")
Well… considering the slightly darkened water that tended to pass for “coffee” in much of the USA in the XXth Century, I suppose that something had to be done about it at some point. However, alternative (1) – call somewhere where they make and drink real coffee and ASK HOW you do that – seems to have been passed over as too simple by the corporate types (thus becoming limited to small neighborhood businesses, and parts of Miami and New York where the knowledge was imported), being instead replaced by: Alternative (2), being to serve weak coffee in gigantic cups, at temperatures previously associated with sterilyzing surgical instruments and later with legendary lawsuits; which in turn was succeeded by Alternative (3), being to baffle the consumer with “coffee” preparations that sound more like the Olympic announcer describing the next synchronized dive: “It’s a one-and-a-half shot Grande decaf mocha choco latte yaya with wet soy cream and reverse somersault, degree of difficulty 9.0” This of course, also served in the giant cup at blast-furnace temperatures. Meanwhile down here we continue enjoying our 35-cent demitasses of real black coffee, the kind that will grab you by the collar and shake you awake. And which will slap your face and pour itself on your delicates if you even so much as attempt to add any sort of _soy_ based product. ---
**Author:** ![absimia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/bbe5ce/32.png) [@absimia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/absimia)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2001, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534/60 "2001-09-21T19:16:04Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by InkBlot \* > So, I’m curious (not being a Starbucks customer), did this result in some strangly worded sign such as, “this payment rendering station unable to fulfill your caffinated needs, please consult the next caffe expert”? or did they decree no register shall ever be closed again. > > inkblot \*\* He insisted that the best way to handle it would be to verbally direct people to the proper cash register. Which would usually elicit the response, “Well, if this register was closed, why wasn’t there a sign?” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/starbucks-for-the-brain-cell-impaired-lesson-one-a-bit-long/82534.md?page=4)