# Startling discovery: It \*is\* hard to make new friends as an adult. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 15, 2011, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/startling-discovery-it-is-hard-to-make-new-friends-as-an-adult/589134 "2011-07-15T15:27:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![araminty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b5e925/32.png) [@araminty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/araminty)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2011, 5:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/startling-discovery-it-is-hard-to-make-new-friends-as-an-adult/589134/61 "2011-07-17T05:05:35Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > This is a great website! Thanks so much! I actually found a place that looks great and is blocks from my apartment. You have officially rocked my socks. Not at all, happy to help. Good luck! ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2011, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/startling-discovery-it-is-hard-to-make-new-friends-as-an-adult/589134/62 "2011-07-17T14:46:56Z")
One of the things I have noticed, as stated by at least one person earlier, is that my standards of behavior and treatment have gone up. When I was younger, I had a lot of friends who were, quite frankly; dicks, assholes, moochers, didn’t treat me well, and often more trouble than they were worth. And I put up with them because…well, that’s what I saw around me. That you just tolerated your friend’s foibles even when they pissed you the fuck off and were not good for you to be around. Over the last 10 years, I’ve moved away from accepting that, and by a combination of that and that I’m just not very social, I now basically have no solid friendships and just a good handful of acquaintance-friends. But then I interact with some people who have had the same friends since elementary school, and see how they tolerate some of the same old stupid shit and are limited in what they can do by those friend’s foibles, or are being injured by their so-called friends, and I’m kinda glad I stepped out of that game. I expect it will turn around for me as soon as I get my financial shit back together and can get out and about more, and as soon as I get a job where I’m not twice as old as 97% of the people I work with, so no real worries. ---
**Author:** ![Sudo\_Intellectual](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/73ab20/32.png) [@Sudo\_Intellectual](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sudo_Intellectual)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2011, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/startling-discovery-it-is-hard-to-make-new-friends-as-an-adult/589134/63 "2011-07-18T20:55:22Z")
I have never had a problem making friends, but as I get older and remain happily single and child-free, I find that my friends have less and less time. I don’t begrudge the family becoming the priority, but it does make filling that social calendar slightly difficult. Without sounding too creepy, as I know I don’t post all that frequently (but read constantly). I’m a northsider (reside in uptown, work in Lakeview) and would love to meet a new friend! The part that stuck out to me was that you haven’t seen much of the town. Chicago is truly one of my favorite places to be and there are so many things you are missing out on! Jazz at the Shedd, the Riverwalk, concerts in the park. All things I do on a regular basis. Also up for just getting a drink (not a beer drinker, but Vodka is very nice). If you are up for it, just let me know! ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2011, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/startling-discovery-it-is-hard-to-make-new-friends-as-an-adult/589134/64 "2011-07-18T21:06:28Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > One of the things I have noticed, as stated by at least one person earlier, is that my standards of behavior and treatment have gone up. > > When I was younger, I had a lot of friends who were, quite frankly; dicks, assholes, moochers, didn’t treat me well, and often more trouble than they were worth. And I put up with them because…well, that’s what I saw around me. That you just tolerated your friend’s foibles even when they pissed you the fuck off and were not good for you to be around. Very real possibility. I had the same thing. I had a bunch of people I hung out with for years, but at some point I began to realize that I didn’t like most of them. (My best friend, who did like them, got rather ticked when I told him that.) I just hung out with them because…well, that’s who I hung out with. I realized I’d be happier on my own than hanging out with people who just piss me off every time I spend more than 5 minutes in their company. Of course, being on my own for several years after that sucked pretty bad. Since I moved away from my social circles, I didn’t have any avenues of approach to finding new friends. It took me a while to finally get to where I was willing to meet strangers rather than seek out friends of friends. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2011, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/startling-discovery-it-is-hard-to-make-new-friends-as-an-adult/589134/65 "2011-07-18T21:25:17Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > One of the things I have noticed, as stated by at least one person earlier, is that my standards of behavior and treatment have gone up. I’ve seen this sentiment expressed often on this board, in other threads as well, but that’s never been an issue with me. My threshold for BS with friends has remained the same throughout the years. > [@Sudo\_Intellectual](#): > > If you are up for it, just let me know! Aww shucks. You kids are very kind. I’m game. And no, sadly I have not seen much of the town yet. I’ve done a little hanging out in Uptown, Lincoln Park (or was that Lincoln Square?), a little bit of Gold Coast action and some other places, but I’m mainly trapped downtown. So I just called up one of my old drinking buddies from the old country who lives here now, and we’re going to meet up tomorrow. Can’t say we’ve ever been super close, but we laugh at each other’s jokes, and it is going to be damn nice to sit down and talk to someone I know. And **araminty** , thanks so much again! I’m totally jazzed about the charity I found via [volunteermatch.com](http://volunteermatch.com) and start in less than a month. I was having no luck finding anything at first. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2011, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/startling-discovery-it-is-hard-to-make-new-friends-as-an-adult/589134/66 "2011-07-18T21:41:15Z")
> [@Justin\_Bailey](#): > > No, it’s not the same, but **when people are given the choice between meeting people out in the real world and interacting with them solely over the Internet, the real world wins most of the time**. > > Social media is a plus to real life interaction, not part of any “problem.” I don’t know. The bolded part is true of _my_ real world friends (none of whom use Facebook), but it doesn’t seem to be true of many people. A lot of people seem… startled when spoken to in real world social settings by someone they don’t already know. ---
**Author:** ![Gundy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b782af/32.png) [@Gundy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gundy)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2011, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/startling-discovery-it-is-hard-to-make-new-friends-as-an-adult/589134/67 "2011-07-19T21:22:26Z")
I don’t post here all that much anymore, but I will say this: I have made lots of acquaintances but a handful of really good friends on the Dope (I’m in Chicago too.) So, you know, it happens. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2011, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/startling-discovery-it-is-hard-to-make-new-friends-as-an-adult/589134/68 "2011-07-19T21:55:58Z")
Late to this party so forgive if I repeat past advice. Find a hobby. Not a hobby just for hobbies sake. A hobby you can get into. Chances are there are bunches of other people into that weird assed hobby you now realize you like. Now get on the net and connect with these other weirdos who are into your new weird assed hobby. Try to be socialable and put yourself out there so to speak. Friendships that started with your pervy little hobby but arent explicitly based on them will develop. And, if they don’t, you still gotta hobby and hobby related “friends” to fill the time. ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2011, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/startling-discovery-it-is-hard-to-make-new-friends-as-an-adult/589134/69 "2011-07-19T22:23:40Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > Friendships that started with your **pervy little hobby** but arent explicitly based on them will develop. What do you know?! :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2011, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/startling-discovery-it-is-hard-to-make-new-friends-as-an-adult/589134/70 "2011-07-19T22:27:44Z")
I’m 48, & I don’t have \*one single person \*who would/could help me move a sofa. ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2011, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/startling-discovery-it-is-hard-to-make-new-friends-as-an-adult/589134/71 "2011-07-19T23:42:34Z")
> [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](#): > > I’m 48, & I don’t have \*one single person \*who would/could help me move a sofa. Just to clarify the scale: [ul] [li]A friend is someone you call to help you move a sofa. [/li] [li]A good friend is someone you call to help you move a body. [/li] [li] true friend is someone you call to help you dismember a body. [/li][/ul] S Stranger ---
**Author:** ![salinqmind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3ec8ea/32.png) [@salinqmind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/salinqmind)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2011, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/startling-discovery-it-is-hard-to-make-new-friends-as-an-adult/589134/72 "2011-07-20T16:44:43Z")
I’ve never been sociable, but as I get older and there is an ever-shrinking pool of my peeps, I often wonder who is going to find me, dead for a week, being eaten by cats! Volunteering once a week is a good way to keep somewhat involved with people. ---
**Author:** ![otternell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecc23a/32.png) [@otternell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/otternell)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2011, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/startling-discovery-it-is-hard-to-make-new-friends-as-an-adult/589134/73 "2011-07-20T17:08:52Z")
I’ve got my 4-legged boys, and they are less annoying to me than any 2-legged on earth. Even when its people I’m friends with, I definitely have a limit to how much I can deal with them. Seems like I attract drama queens as friends, and there’s only so much of that crap I’m willing to put up with. Once I leave a job, I try to hang on to a few people based on mutual interests outside of work. Generally, I call them my gardening friends. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2011, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/startling-discovery-it-is-hard-to-make-new-friends-as-an-adult/589134/74 "2011-07-20T18:27:25Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > The truth is, it seems to be, it’s a lot easier when you work with a lot of people. Even a grumpy old bat like me can find people to get along with when you have 400 co-workers, and then it just kind of snowballs. You go out with them, meet other people, make bar buds, and next thing you, voila! My new gig has like 10 people here, my favorite of which is a white-haired old man with kids my age, who is very, very, sweet, but I doubt he’s going to want to see “The Blackout Diaries” with me tonight. Hey, I give this rant a Bluth Worthiness rating of 9. Man, it sucks to meet friends. Two good friends I actually met on Meetup last year are now constantly with their boyfriends. One moved here and complained about all her friends being married (she’s only 25) and the other complained that she had no friends because she’d devoted all her time to a former boyfriend. One feels that the boyfriend loves his dog more than her. She talked about it at brunch last week for 45 minutes. I mean, what do I say to that? Then another chick I thought had potential (though she was pinging my Crazy White Girl thermometer a bit) decides not to renew her apartment lease (which ends in exactly one month) in the hopes she gets a job that her and hundreds of other people are applying to. IN CLEVELAND. I’m starting to think the chick who left the wedding dress in her boyfriend’s closet isn’t so bad anymore. Or the religious ones. I could possibly not mock religion for a couple hours every week, right? Maybe I should just fucking join Mensa. I have a feeling they’ll all be 50 and have kids my age though. > [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](#): > > Just to clarify the scale: > [ul] > [li]A friend is someone you call to help you move a sofa. [/li] > [li]A good friend is someone you call to help you move a body. [/li] > [li] true friend is someone you call to help you dismember a body. [/li][/ul] I have those friends, I hope they’ll always remain this great. Unfortunately they live in LA, Atlanta, Chicago and Mauritius. > [@PunditLisa](#): > > I’m going to sound like an old lady when I say this, but I think social media is part of the problem. People have their noses on the internet during their free time instead of getting out and interacting with people. (I know I am.) Ya know, I don’t think you’re being old. Now you can just go home and watch Netflix Instant. Entertainment that’s $10 a month - which gets you 2 happy hour drinks. No wonder people don’t go out anymore. > [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](#): > > Most groups I’ve been to that were not rigorously managed to limit this kind of behavior end up driving off most if not all younger women. > > Stranger Yeah, as a former group mod on Meetup, you have to be super proactive about it. I quit arranging things but when I did I would have to aggressively keep the assholes away. Not an easy thing to do, but banning them from the group after their first meeting certainly helped. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2011, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/startling-discovery-it-is-hard-to-make-new-friends-as-an-adult/589134/75 "2011-07-20T19:36:21Z")
It’s okay. I don’t mind dying alone in a house of cats. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![gardentraveler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gardentraveler/32/3576_2.png) [@gardentraveler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gardentraveler)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2011, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/startling-discovery-it-is-hard-to-make-new-friends-as-an-adult/589134/76 "2011-07-20T23:19:23Z")
I was afraid of being friendless locally (except for work friends) about 10 years ago. I started volunteering in a couple of places and now have lots of non-work friends to do stuff with. A couple of those friends have made it into my closest friends circle, even. There are a whole lot of places that have volunteer programs (public gardens, zoos, museums, libraries, schools, hospitals, programs that benefit homeless people, etc). IME, these types of programs tend to have a very low percentage of wackos. ETA: animal shelters! They take volunteers too. 🙂 Good luck! ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2011, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/startling-discovery-it-is-hard-to-make-new-friends-as-an-adult/589134/77 "2011-07-21T01:12:18Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > I have those friends, I hope they’ll always remain this great. Unfortunately they live in LA, Atlanta, Chicago and Mauritius. Just yesterday my best friend in Seoul (friends since college) texted me to say she’s been offered a position at a great company - the sort of position she’s been dreaming about - but that they’re sending her to Singapore. I am really sincerely happy for her - she works her ass off, and she deserves it - but I couldn’t help feeling a bit sorry for myself - she was the only friend I had left that still lives here. My other best friends live in the UK and all over the US. I still have other friends in Seoul, of course, but I only have a few friends in my life that I would completely trust with anything, and now they’re all scattered to the four winds. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2011, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/startling-discovery-it-is-hard-to-make-new-friends-as-an-adult/589134/78 "2011-07-21T01:29:27Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > It’s okay. I don’t mind dying alone in a house of cats. 🙂 Personally I plan on dying surrounded by towers of empty bottles of Irish whiskey, crushed under a pile of engineering texts and rare editions of 19th century Russian literature, but to each his or her own. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![Snarky\_Kong](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a183cd/32.png) [@Snarky\_Kong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snarky_Kong)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2011, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/startling-discovery-it-is-hard-to-make-new-friends-as-an-adult/589134/79 "2011-07-21T01:36:09Z")
One of my best friends like to drink and works at the Mart. I can check if she’d like an awkward internet blind bar hop? ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2011, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/startling-discovery-it-is-hard-to-make-new-friends-as-an-adult/589134/80 "2011-07-21T01:43:34Z")
> [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](#): > > Personally I plan on dying surrounded by towers of empty bottles of Irish whiskey, crushed under a pile of engineering texts and rare editions of 19th century Russian literature, but to each his or her own. > > Stranger For a moment there, I thought I \*was \*going to die alone in a house of empty Irish Whisky bottles. When I couldn’t see my counter tops anymore, I decided to take out the trash. If I were to die tonight, I’d be found in a semi-clean kitchen with an empty bottle of clove-infused Polish vodka, which is only slightly more humiliating than dying surrounded by empty whisky bottles and/or cats. > [@Snarky\_Kong](#): > > One of my best friends like to drink and works at the Mart. I can check if she’d like an awkward internet blind bar hop? The Mart? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/startling-discovery-it-is-hard-to-make-new-friends-as-an-adult/589134.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/startling-discovery-it-is-hard-to-make-new-friends-as-an-adult/589134.md?page=5)