# Staying at a hotel when visiting close family **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 3, 2006, 12:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/staying-at-a-hotel-when-visiting-close-family/355222 "2006-05-03T12:46:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 6\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2006, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/staying-at-a-hotel-when-visiting-close-family/355222/41 "2006-05-04T23:49:35Z")
> [@Anne Neville](#): > > I agree. It’s not the job of any adult to try to mold another adult into anything or teach them manners (unless you have been explicitly asked by them to do so). You just try to deal with them the way they are, the best you can. That might mean minimizing your contact with them, but it doesn’t mean trying to change them. I live 2000 miles away from my family so there is some discretion on how (un)often they get to see me and my family. I just try and be honest about things that may influence the frequency and quality of visits for their own sake. I don’t care how they treat everyone else in the world but that is how it is with me. Something like the OP describes would be way over the top and I wouldn’t really see the overall benefit. Counselors seem to advocate that type of openness and limit setting which is all that really is. My mother’s mother was a miserable, negative, abusive bitch and I couldn’t stand to see how she could jerk my mother around. My mother is an international speaker and pleases thousands of people every year but she could never please her own mother and that just made her try harder. It disgusted me and I refused to have any contact with my grandmother as soon as I left for college. When my mother called one morning to tell me she died during a routine surgery, I tried to be polite and I mustered “I am sorry for your loss.” I think that parents with children should move the old childhood power struggle aside and start a new structure that precludes such behavior. ---
**Author:** ![lee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lee/32/7455_2.png) [@lee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lee)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2006, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/staying-at-a-hotel-when-visiting-close-family/355222/42 "2006-05-23T20:47:25Z")
**trupa** that was good advice. The showering changing clothes as soon as we got back to the hotel helped a lot. I only had one astma attack. My mother has gas canisters go off automatically every so often. She knew they would likely trigger an asthma attack and yet she did not disable them. One fired at me. I was not sick as long after the trip this time and Loren did much better too. She is definitely allergic to that dog though. ---
**Author:** ![DanBlather](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f4b2a3/32.png) [@DanBlather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DanBlather)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2006, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/staying-at-a-hotel-when-visiting-close-family/355222/43 "2006-05-23T20:52:19Z")
> [@Podkayne](#): > > For _another_ thing, her house is filthy. And, seriously, I say all this as someone who does _not_ keep a tidy home, m’kay? I’m not _picky_, she is filthy. I refuse to put my feet on the floor without shoes, because it is _crunchy._ I can barely stand to use her shower. Her sink is dirty, and all the available counter space is _covered_ in stuff–toiletries, makeup, hair-styling appliances, etc. so there is no place to put down your things while you brush your teeth an wash your face—not that I would _want_ to put anything down unless the sink had actually been _cleaned_ in the last three months. She doesn’t put out guest towels; you have to take it upon yourself to find the linen closet root around for one, and all the towel racks are all full of towels in various states of dirtiness, so there’s no place to put yours. Far be it from me to look down on someone for not keeping a very clean house, but there are certain standards of _hospitality_ that are being violated. Are you my long lost sister? That is exactly like my mother’s house. I didn’t know toilets weren’t supposed to have a brown ring at the bottom til I moved out. ---
**Author:** ![ShelliBean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f9ae1b/32.png) [@ShelliBean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShelliBean)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2006, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/staying-at-a-hotel-when-visiting-close-family/355222/44 "2006-05-23T21:08:46Z")
I don’t understand the gas canisters going off. What is that? Glad you stayed in a hotel. We will be travelling this summer with my parents for the family reunion (dah dah daahhhhh). Mom said she might turn over the empty house (family house) to me and my family and get them a hotel room if I didn’t mind. I said “Mind? Hell, you take the house, smoke outside, keep my kids and let me get a hotel room so I can finally have sex with my husband in peace!” She was not amused. But I do get the house - all because she smokes and we won’t have the kids indoors with it. I think my mom was a bit rattled/offended when it first came up 5 years ago but now it’s SOP to air out the house well before we get there and restrict smoking to the porch. I hate that your family isn’t more accomodating for you - I didn’t know how good I had it. My grandmother used to insist we stay at her house on the fold out couch. One of those deals with the 1/2" mattress and big bar across your back? We finally sacked up and said “Thanks Grandmother, but we call that the _‘punishment bed’_ behind your back.” She was a bit embarrassed at first but then laughed and got over it. And we still show up for a rockin’ breakfast! ---
**Author:** ![teela\_brown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/d9b06d/32.png) [@teela\_brown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/teela_brown)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2006, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/staying-at-a-hotel-when-visiting-close-family/355222/45 "2006-05-23T22:32:53Z")
Yeah, I was in my late 30’s when I last stayed overnight at my mom’s house. I got the inflated air mattress on the living room floor down in the dog hair and crumbles of dog kibble. I was getting a little too old for that! She was surprised and annoyed when I insisted on staying at a hotel the next time I visited, and also shocked that I chose one that was better than a Motel 6. All the cheap motels near her are druggie and prostitute hangouts, yet she still found it unforgivably extravagant that I chose a Marriott instead. ---
**Author:** ![lee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lee/32/7455_2.png) [@lee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lee)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2006, 11:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/staying-at-a-hotel-when-visiting-close-family/355222/46 "2006-05-24T11:37:02Z")
The gas canisters are automatic air freshners. They tend to trigger asthma attacks in me. I had them remove the one in the bathroom at work. They are my nemisis in restaurants and rest stops. I was not pleased to be gassed by one at mom’s house. She probably listened to me bitch about one and thought what a great idea! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/staying-at-a-hotel-when-visiting-close-family/355222.md?page=2)