Staying at a hotel when visiting close family

In My Humble Opinion
21

Are you the oldest child? It is not-so-secret that adult children with children of their own get the power to discipline their own parents. My parents don’t do that much bad but they are usually under some sanction of some sort for bad behavior. For example, my mother blabbed the name of our last baby before it was born to the whole family even though she had explicit orders not to (she sent it out on a mass e-mail and forgot to take off my address). She got chewed out for it but she also had a series of punishments put in place including writing an apology letter and not knowing the name of our current baby until many other people knew. I am just trying to teach them manners and mold them into the person that I want them to be. Being the parent of a parent can be a lot of work however.

*This only works for oldest children and it works best when they have kids of their own. Oldest children should not hesitate to reprimand their parents for things like this.

22

No, as the oldest child, it is my fault if anyone else causes a problem or if something goes wrong, but I have no authority to make anyone do anything.

I can’t imagine my mother apologizing. Not for real. There could be a guilt trip in words similar to an apology that is about it.
Hello Again, I wish I had such a solution. She does not live near anyone I know.

23

Is it possible your mother is getting senile?

24

Probably just doesn’t drink much milk, and is a world-class procrastinator on things like cleaning out the fridge. I’m like that. The milk carton migrates to the back of the fridge, where it’s out of sight, out of mind until you start to run out of room in the fridge.

25

At 67? I don’t think so. She’s been like that most of her life. It gets extreme because there’s no-one around to correct her anymore.

lee, it sounds like your mother is very good at making you feel guilty. A mutual training process that has been going on for decades. Hard to break. But possible.

26

I try to avoid her, but I like my father and since they are married, I have no choice but interact with her if I want to talk to him. There are far worse mothers out there, and worse grandmothers than she has been to my daughter, but her blind spot about asthma is a pretty big problem for me.

27

Tell her you spoke to your Dr. about your allergies and / or your daughter’s allergies and he has told you never to stay in a house with pets, period. Then you can blame a third party. “oh, I wish we could stay with you mom, but Dr.'s orders.” And of course you would never put your daughter’s health at risk by defying her Dr.

28

Lee,

You are doing the right thing. Sit down, and repeat to yourself until you can believe it: “I am doing the right thing for my health, and for my child”

I am in your exact situation, and am doing the very same thing. I’m an asthmatic with significant allergies. 10 minutes exposure to the air of a dwelling with cat hair in the carpets and upholstery will dramatically close down my airways, and require major antihistamines and about a month of recovery.

A year ago, we started staying at hotels when going to visit my 80 yr-old mom who smokes. I get a burning in my throat immediately when entering her house, even through her garage, fercryingoutloud. For a 4 day stay, it would take me a week with elevated doses of the anti-inflamatory puffer to recover.

Look, she has to understand that it’s not whether she dusted the room, whether the critter is actually in the room or not, or whether the carpet has been shampooed. It’s the air in the whole house that’s bad for you.

Now when I go, I only have to put up with it for the day, and since she likes to get up late, and we have to leave early to put the three-year-old to bed, my airways are much happier. A side benefit is that we now get the evening alone to decompress from the passive aggressive bulsh*** , manipulation attempts, lies, and guilt trip attempts that can flung at us during the day.

My mother also has major denial issues about my asthma and allergies, once stating that my symptoms are all in my head, or accusing me of exagerating to manipulate her to quit. (we need a bang your head on a wall smillie). And she was a public health nurse, of all things.

Look, it’s your body, your health, and your set of pipes. You have to look after them yourself, because it doesn’t seem like she’s interested in doing so. How would you feel if a boss had treated your asthma like your Mom did at a job site? Had put you in the situation of having to go to the ER, for Og’s sake! Refused the work? filed a complaint? Filed assault with a noxious substance charges for the cat incident? He behaviour is unacceptable. Period. You have to draw the line.

Here is a lesson I had to pay dearly to learn: As a human being, and even as a Christian striving to obey the 4th commandment, I am not obliged to allow my mother to harm my health (physical or emotionnal). Refusing to allow circumstances in which this happens is not being disrespectful, is not being unkind or unloving or agressive. It is a healthy enforcement of your own boundaries. It is not something about which you need feel guilty, ashamed, or even reluctant. Just make sure not do it in a hurfull or retaliatory way.

But more importantly, you are a *parent *. A sacrifice of your own health you can choose to make for yourself, you *cannot *make for your child. You have to use higher standards for your daughter’s well beeing than your own. And if your Mom gives you grief for your actions, remember you are defending your little cub, and let your own inner mother bear come out.

I would bet dollars to donuts that your Mom is feeling judged and somewhat rejected by your choice, has gotten defensive about it, and it seeking to simultaneously lash out at you and challenge the legitimacy of your asthma and allergies. As a mother, she may harbour some repressed feelings of guilt about the role her smoking may have played in your developping asthma, which may also be furthering her defensiveness.

What do we do? Well, we just present the hotel as a fait-accompli, with no possibilities of changing the decision. As parents of the grand-kid, you and I have a major asset in our corner: present the acceptable conditions for visits from the grandkid(s), without which, you just stay home.

Check with your doctor about modifying your drug regimen for these visits. In my case, I take all my normal meds before going, with slightly increased anti-inflamatories, and I supplement with additional allergy meds. I found I can relatively safely combine long-lasting non-drowsy allergy meds like Reactine or Claritin with older antihistamines like Benadryl. I use Benadryl for breakthrough coverage, and to reduce the day’s damage before bed. But talk to your doctor about how to specifically manage these visits.

During the visits, maximise time spent outdoors. Take breaks during the day for walks, or to go play in the park. Try to open windows on opposite sides of the house to create drafts and change out as big a volume of air as possible; remember: it’s the dirty air with all the accumumulated allergens that’s the real danger.

When you get back to the hotel, have everyone change clothes right away, and put dirty clothes in plastic bags back in your luggage, or have them laundered. Don’t wash them at your Mom’s house.That way you won’t contaminate the air in you room. Have everyone shower or bathe in the evening, not morning, back at the hotel and wash your hair every evening. Hair can trap lots of contaminants, and deposit them on your pillow for you to breath in. This will help your lungs clear up overnight.

(*** moderate TMI / gross warning***)

I also found that a bit of cardio / aerobic exercise in the morning, prior to going back to Mom’s house, can help me hack-up a fair bit of dirt and flegm that the airways have been working to move up & out overnight.

Well **lee **I wish you luck. Please remember you are in the right in this case, for yourself and your child.

29

Wow, trupa that is a lot of good advice. My allergies have declined in severity after my pregnancy, so I have been able to get through most of the time with no medication. I still carry a rescue inhaler though. I have had to use that a few times on the train.

Your advice abou anti inflammatories and increased medication is similar to advice from my doctor for dealing with a mild cold to try to avoid it turning into bronchitis, and I will treat this visit similar to that; now that I am thinking about it, it is very similar in that they are both extra stresses on my lungs.

My mother does not seem to feel guilt at in relation to anything to do with me. I think her denial about the affect of pets and her smoking on my health is completly successful.

I especially like the advice to showering of an evening, and will pack extra clothes and follow your advice so as not to contaminate the hotel room too much.

Thank you!

30

I am going to see my grandma over the summer and plan to stay in a hotel as much as she insists it’s fine to stay with her.

  1. I would have to sleep on a pullout in the living room. This is disruptive and with how she is, she has you unmake the bed each day before folding it up. What a drag.

  2. I’d have to use her bathroom and be all careful about keeping it pristine.

  3. I just like to spread out and feel comfortable in my living space; I;ll just go see her for visiting and then retire to my own space.

She is nice enough, she is just set in her ways and keeps her house super-neat and clean and I just can’t be relaxed.

31

Uh, no, you shouldn’t feel guilty. You’re adults… what you do, why you decide is your business.

Myself, I never stay with family. When asked to stay, I always say “No, thanks. Appreciate it, though.”

32

That’s who I thought of too. Also, my wife’s (who’s asthmatic) doctor mentioned that one of her patients died of asthma (this was a moralistic lesson on being sure to take medicine).

My parents don’t get it, and they’re slightly offended that when we visit the family, we stay at a hotel. They brought their dog to my brother’s house for Easter, ensuring that we couldn’t even stay in the house very long there. They also try to make me feel guilty that we’ve only visited them once since I moved to Chicago (stayed at an empty apartment that time). The guilt doesn’t work. You gotta breathe.

33

Ooh, I like this one. But you should actually GO to the doctor, not just say you did. Trust me, s/he will probably be only too happy to order you to stay in a hotel.

34

Not only did we stay in a hotel whenever we visited my father, he gave us his opinion on the various nearby hotels and made reservations for us.

Of course, that’s how my family has always gotten along best.

35

You’ve never met MY parents!!!

36

Yes, by all means, stay at a hotel and don’t feel guilty about it. Every time she brings it up, just say, “Oh, it’s better this way” and change the subject.

People without allergies just don’t have a CLUE how horribly uncomfortable (and sometimes scary) they are.

37

:eek: What kind of a power trip is that!?
My husband is the youngest, he punishes his parents all the time. I’m the one that sees the hurt in their eyes.
My parents are dead. Think about that while you disipline the people who taught YOU manners.

38

Another vote for “Get a Room!” In '02 I came up to St. Louis from Dallas for my niece’s wedding. My cousing and her two kids (both teens) came down from Joliet and stayed at my Mom’s place, which isn’t all that large (a retiree’s one bedroom duplex).

I was going to get a room at local motel, but Mom wouldn’t hear of it. Threw a hissy fit over the thought that I wouldn’t stay in her home.

So we go to the wedding. My cousin and her two kids ride with me. Since I have to be back to work on Monday (after a Saturday wedding and reception), I tell my cousin I’ll be leaving from the reception early so as to get a decent night’s sleep before the long road trip back to Dallas.

Finally, at midnight (3 hours later than I’d wanted to be there), I drag my drunken cousin and her drunken 16 y/o daughter out of the reception; my cousin burns a hole in my leather upholstery because she’s too drunk to hold onto her cigarette. My cousin and her daughter have an all-out Mother/Daughter “I HATE YOU!!!”-fest at 4 AM, because daughter wants to call her boyfriend on their one-and-only cell phone. At 4 AM.

I sleep through the alarm clock the next morning, and finally awaken around 10 AM. Mom wants everyone to stick around to do lunch. Get’s bent out of shape when I hit the road, in quite a huff, over my cousin and her daughter’s rudeness the night before.

I would gladly trade all of that for a $30, $40, heck, even a $50 hotel bill.

39

It is not a power trip. It is just a mechanism to the get results that I expect. It is widely known in my family that if you violate me, my wife, or my children in certain ways, you will pay for it in a way that I deem fair and that will reduce the chance of them repeating the behavior again. They aren’t petty ones either. Spreading confidential information is the most common one. Both my mother and my grandfather (her father, that’s where the trait came from) have done that in major ways. My grandfather did his violation two years ago and has refused to apologize for what he did (it was pretty serious) or even admit that it was important but now he has started to cave now that my next daughter will be born in three months. He asked my mother to find out was necessary for him to do so that he can visit to see her. Endangering the welfare of my child would be a no brainer and I would simply disown someone if they refused to acknowledge the situation.

I had a child die last summer. That made it clear how relatively unimportant parents are once you have kids of your own. I don’t use that knowledge to indiscrimately spoil a child or cater to their own whims but it does help keep the priorities straight. I love my parents but I see them as an obsolete generation now so things have to change.

Maybe I just a dick but I can’t even comprehend why someone would let someone influence their own strong judgements when you know the result is to be bad. If I said I wanted to stay in a hotel, that is what I would be doing and I would think someone is crazy for arguing with a fact.

40

I agree. It’s not the job of any adult to try to mold another adult into anything or teach them manners (unless you have been explicitly asked by them to do so). You just try to deal with them the way they are, the best you can. That might mean minimizing your contact with them, but it doesn’t mean trying to change them.

In the case of the baby name, that might include not telling your mother until you were OK with other people finding out (because she probably isn’t going to keep it a secret), but it wouldn’t include yelling at her or demanding a letter of apology.

Or just talk to the doctor over the phone, and ask if it’s a good idea for you to stay in your mother’s house (be sure to describe the animal dander, and how you nearly died of an asthma attack there before). Same result, but without having to set up an appointment and go to it.

Of course, this won’t carry any weight with your mother. She’ll just think your doctor is overreacting about your allergies too, or conspiring with you to make a bigger deal about them than they warrant. Her doctor probably makes a huge and unnecessary fuss about her smoking, too.