# Staying at home **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 24, 2013, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/staying-at-home/656553 "2013-04-24T01:26:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Rhiannon8404](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rhiannon8404/32/17929_2.png) [@Rhiannon8404](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhiannon8404)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2013, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/staying-at-home/656553/41 "2013-04-25T01:26:49Z")
> [@Implicit](#): > > I don’t understand this thread at all, the age of the kids doesn’t matter, what works for each family is what matters. I think am beginning to understand. It seems that the OP was hoping to find some validation from the members here for her disapproval of parents staying out of the work force longer than necessary. The poll was to help define “necessary”. As it turns out necessity has nothing to do with it, because a lot of people stay out of the work force not out of need, but because they want to. ---
**Author:** ![Amara\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/7993a0/32.png) [@Amara\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amara_1)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2013, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/staying-at-home/656553/42 "2013-04-25T01:51:30Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > It’s also possible that the child knew that nobody would be at home when they said the child could nuke something or wait for Daddy, and when they said they needed to leave early, they hadn’t said anything and didn’t want a panic-stricken youngster, especially if they don’t have a cell phone. Agree with this. Also some days I can stay a bit later but other days then I need to leave by a certain time to get them to extra-curricular activities. There’s a lot of focus here on the nuclear family but other family help (grandparents, aunts/uncles etc) can also play a factor in this. Another factor is amount of travel that the dad is doing. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2013, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/staying-at-home/656553/43 "2013-04-25T02:10:06Z")
> [@Idle\_Thoughts](#): > > Don’t insult others in this forum again. Take it to the Pit. > > Thanks, but if you feel a rule is being broken report the post, please…this could be seen as a mild form of Jr Modding, which is also frowned upon here. Sorry I was trying to give them a chance before reporting them. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2013, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/staying-at-home/656553/44 "2013-04-25T02:19:45Z")
My mom made a genius (or amazingly lucky) move and became a lunch lady when I was in first grade and my brother was in third. She worked but was there when we left and when we got home, and any days we had off she had off too. As a bonus, she was a lunch lady in a school we didn’t go to so nobody could make fun of us for it! The only time it got hairy is when she got confident and moved from the cafeteria to the central office, which has before-school and after-school hours and also is open all summer. I had to go to a before-school sitter for a year or two, and spend the summer at the YMCA, until I was old enough to be on my own. But still…if you can move from a position as a full-time SAHP to a part-time school worker, you’ve got it made! ---
**Author:** ![DaisyOlive](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f4b2a3/32.png) [@DaisyOlive](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DaisyOlive)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2013, 3:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/staying-at-home/656553/45 "2013-04-25T03:23:18Z")
> [@Amara\_1](#): > > Agree with this. Also some days I can stay a bit later but other days then I need to leave by a certain time to get them to extra-curricular activities. > > There’s a lot of focus here on the nuclear family but other family help (grandparents, aunts/uncles etc) can also play a factor in this. Another factor is amount of travel that the dad is doing. The person I’m talking about in specific is just bossy. If she’s not happy with doing something, she will just go home. I don’t mean to say we pick things we know she will hate, she just wants to do what she wants to do. I think because my group of friends are usually go with the flow types and she’s the bossy demanding type. ---
**Author:** ![Rhiannon8404](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rhiannon8404/32/17929_2.png) [@Rhiannon8404](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhiannon8404)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2013, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/staying-at-home/656553/46 "2013-04-25T04:07:25Z")
> [@DaisyOlive](#): > > The person I’m talking about in specific is just bossy. If she’s not happy with doing something, she will just go home. I don’t mean to say we pick things we know she will hate, she just wants to do what she wants to do. I think because my group of friends are usually go with the flow types and she’s the bossy demanding type. If she’s so awful, why do you care? Are you a parent? Do you even have any idea how complicated it is to balance work (or not), home, spouse, kids, pets, whatever and still have time for yourself? Society makes us feel like we need to give up ourselves completely the minute we have children. I can see how if it’s an activity she really enjoys, she would go with you guys, but if it’s something she’s not that into, she would go home and be with her family. That’s what I do. Thankfully my friends get it. ---
**Author:** ![Amara\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/7993a0/32.png) [@Amara\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amara_1)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2013, 4:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/staying-at-home/656553/47 "2013-04-25T04:23:31Z")
> [@DaisyOlive](#): > > The person I’m talking about in specific is just bossy. If she’s not happy with doing something, she will just go home. I don’t mean to say we pick things we know she will hate, she just wants to do what she wants to do. I think because my group of friends are usually go with the flow types and she’s the bossy demanding type. I thought the topic was about strict “have to leave work” now deadlines for a working parent and why it can be hard for a parent to be in the workforce even with a 9 or 10 year old. If it’s a group of friends and I’m not having much fun then yeah, I’ll go home. More generally, I don’t have much “free” time. I can spend that cherished time having fun or I can spend it dithering around but I can’t do both. Some of my childless friends can take hours to decide where to go and it’s a luxury that I simply don’t have right now. In many states, it’s either against the law or heavily frowned on to have a 9 or 10 year old at home alone for extended periods of time. ---
**Author:** ![SciFiSam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/47e85d/32.png) [@SciFiSam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SciFiSam)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2013, 9:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/staying-at-home/656553/48 "2013-04-25T09:17:40Z")
> [@DaisyOlive](#): > > The person I’m talking about in specific is just bossy. If she’s not happy with doing something, she will just go home. I don’t mean to say we pick things we know she will hate, she just wants to do what she wants to do. I think because my group of friends are usually go with the flow types and she’s the bossy demanding type. Do you feel obliged to stay for social things you don’t like doing then? I guess sometimes you might - go to birthday drinks even if you’re not in the mood because it will make your friend happy - but if it’s happening a lot then something needs to change. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2013, 11:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/staying-at-home/656553/49 "2013-04-25T11:48:41Z")
> [@Rachellelogram](#): > > I wouldn’t negatively judge a job candidate for staying at home so long without knowing the whole story. For all you know, she had 4 or 5 kids in a row, or a special needs child. > > On a personal level, I get a little judgey when a woman calls herself a SAHM after all her kids are of school age (5-6+). She could at least work part-time, if she wanted to. And once the kids are 12+, mom has no good reason to keep avoiding the workplace. If she doesn’t have to work because her husband makes enough to support the whole family, I guess that’s fine for them. But she should still be volunteering, or working for the kids’ college funds, or something. I think that teenaged kids get a lot of benefit from spending time \*away \*from mom after school. > > Anyway, I wouldn’t have jack shit in common with a woman like this, so it doesn’t really matter what I think of them. I would never say something like this to their face, I just avoid them. But yeah, I think it’s lazy. How would you know? You’ve posted many times that your home situation there was not ideal, so it certainly didn’t provide a model of how time-consuming it is to raise kids in an ideal environment: one where their interests and talents are encouraged, where their academic progress is supported, and where their social development is nurtured. Nor have you ever seen how time-consuming it is to run a smooth, competent household: it’s not just a matter of running the vacuum and scrubbing down the toilets. People that do all those things and have both parents work, especially full time, are on the go 24/7 for decades. The people I know that do that never have even a half hour to watch a TV show or read the internet: it’s “wake up- get the kids ready get ready get everyone where they have to go get home take the kids to practice run errands while they are there pick the kids up supervise homework kids to bed cooks/clean/paperwork bed” over and over and over and over. For someone to decide that that lifestyle is not worth the extra income isn’t mandatory–some people like that life–but it isn’t lazy. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2013, 12:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/staying-at-home/656553/50 "2013-04-25T12:40:52Z")
you could probably squeeze in some TV time if you cleaned less frequently or let the kids have sandwiches for dinner once in a while 😉 ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2013, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/staying-at-home/656553/51 "2013-04-25T16:58:44Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > you could probably squeeze in some TV time if you cleaned less frequently or let the kids have sandwiches for dinner once in a while 😉 I don’t want to burst your bubble here, but from what I can see as a teacher, 5-8 is the easy years. That 4-10 time slot just gets more and more intense from then until graduation, and peaks at about 14: tons of outside activities, tons of homwork, no driver’s license and developing self-managing skills. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2013, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/staying-at-home/656553/52 "2013-04-25T17:12:37Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > I don’t want to burst your bubble here, but from what I can see as a teacher, 5-8 is the easy years. That 4-10 time slot just gets more and more intense from then until graduation, and peaks at about 14: tons of outside activities, tons of homwork, no driver’s license and developing self-managing skills. That’s why I am hoping at that point my hubs will be set in his career and I can finally take some time off from work. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2013, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/staying-at-home/656553/53 "2013-04-25T17:27:20Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > How would you know? You’ve posted many times that your home situation there was not ideal, so it certainly didn’t provide a model of how time-consuming it is to raise kids in an ideal environment: one where their interests and talents are encouraged, where their academic progress is supported, and where their social development is nurtured. Nor have you ever seen how time-consuming it is to run a smooth, competent household: it’s not just a matter of running the vacuum and scrubbing down the toilets. People that do all those things and have both parents work, especially full time, are on the go 24/7 for decades. The people I know that do that never have even a half hour to watch a TV show or read the internet: it’s “wake up- get the kids ready get ready get everyone where they have to go get home take the kids to practice run errands while they are there pick the kids up supervise homework kids to bed cooks/clean/paperwork bed” over and over and over and over. For someone to decide that that lifestyle is not worth the extra income isn’t mandatory–some people like that life–but it isn’t lazy. The thing is there’s no way to really verify the stay-at-home mom really did or is doing anything that contributes to the household (unlike a job where there is at least some work experience and a paycheck for evidence). The SAH mom could be running the house, cleaning, helping the children, etc., or she (or he) could be spending their days watching soap operas, playing video game, chatting on the net, etc. There isn’t a way other than maybe interviewing all the family members and some of the neighbors an employer can verify what the SAH did during the period they were not employed. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2013, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/staying-at-home/656553/54 "2013-04-25T18:18:24Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > The thing is there’s no way to really verify the stay-at-home mom really did or is doing anything that contributes to the household (unlike a job where there is at least some work experience and a paycheck for evidence). The SAH mom could be running the house, cleaning, helping the children, etc., or she (or he) could be spending their days watching soap operas, playing video game, chatting on the net, etc. There isn’t a way other than maybe interviewing all the family members and some of the neighbors an employer can verify what the SAH did during the period they were not employed. The OP wasn’t asking whether or not one should hire a stay-at-home parent: rather ,she seemed to be arguing that there was some point at which a SAHP contributes nothing of value and represents only a wasted resource. ---
**Author:** ![DaisyOlive](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f4b2a3/32.png) [@DaisyOlive](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DaisyOlive)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2013, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/staying-at-home/656553/55 "2013-04-25T22:06:13Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > The OP wasn’t asking whether or not one should hire a stay-at-home parent: rather ,she seemed to be arguing that there was some point at which a SAHP contributes nothing of value and represents only a wasted resource. I didn’t say nothing of value. I said, at a certain point physically a child doesn’t need their parents every second of their lives. There is a difference between leaving a a two year old alone for any period of time and a twelve year old from 3:30-6. Someone has to be with that two year old. Where as you don’t have to be with the twelve year old. I think it’s the intent that bothers me. It seems to me the whole sahp thing with older children, I’ll say 10 and older, is the sahp is picking and choosing when the child needs them and using a guise of need from the child. To me, it seems like the parents have THEIR reasons for wanting to stay home or not stay home. It just seems manipulative. It wouldn’t bother me if people said “I’m a sahp, because I” insert whatever reason they’re choosing to be one. ---
**Author:** ![DaisyOlive](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f4b2a3/32.png) [@DaisyOlive](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DaisyOlive)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2013, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/staying-at-home/656553/56 "2013-04-25T22:07:26Z")
> [@Amara\_1](#): > > I thought the topic was about strict “have to leave work” now deadlines for a working parent and why it can be hard for a parent to be in the workforce even with a 9 or 10 year old. > > If it’s a group of friends and I’m not having much fun then yeah, I’ll go home. More generally, I don’t have much “free” time. I can spend that cherished time having fun or I can spend it dithering around but I can’t do both. Some of my childless friends can take hours to decide where to go and it’s a luxury that I simply don’t have right now. In many states, it’s either against the law or heavily frowned on to have a 9 or 10 year old at home alone for extended periods of time. There are laws that claim you can’t leave ten year olds alone? I’m pretty sure 10 is the cut off for must daycares around here. ---
**Author:** ![DaisyOlive](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f4b2a3/32.png) [@DaisyOlive](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DaisyOlive)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2013, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/staying-at-home/656553/57 "2013-04-25T22:18:06Z")
> [@SciFiSam](#): > > Do you feel obliged to stay for social things you don’t like doing then? I guess sometimes you might - go to birthday drinks even if you’re not in the mood because it will make your friend happy - but if it’s happening a lot then something needs to change. I do, but that’s part of being friends with people. You don’t always get to do what you want when you want. I think it’s kind of a jerk move to say “I can’t do such and such because my child needs me” as you play a violin vs “I’m going home, because I don’t want to do such and such”. ---
**Author:** ![Rushgeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rushgeekgirl/32/3715_2.png) [@Rushgeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rushgeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2013, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/staying-at-home/656553/58 "2013-04-25T23:39:57Z")
I think children still in school benefit from having a parent at home. Doesn’t matter which. But more than that, the parent needs to be engaged. Not helicoptering, but engaged. If you can really do that while you work a full-time job you’re more woman that I’ll ever be. Or…man? I worked full-time with my oldest, sometimes 60+ hours a week. It was so hard to get it all done, and I do think she suffered, especially academically, because I wasn’t there to help her, and she really needed help. Of course I could have hired tutors if I’d had the money, but I didn’t and she suffered. My youngest is 8 and I’ve been home with her since she was born. I love being a homemaker and I’m really good at it. I like my internet, but I don’t fool around when my girls need me. We cook, we clean, we learn together. I want to be that good daily influence if I can. I don’t think I could if I was still working. ---
**Author:** ![Palo\_Verde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/65b543/32.png) [@Palo\_Verde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Palo_Verde)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2013, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/staying-at-home/656553/59 "2013-04-25T23:49:52Z")
> [@DaisyOlive](#): > > There are laws that claim you can’t leave ten year olds alone? I’m pretty sure 10 is the cut off for must daycares around here. This is a widespread myth. There are no laws in any states that say what age you can leave your child alone. There are just too many variables. Like for how long, are there helpful neighbors, is the parent reachable by phone, is the kid disabled, etc etc. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2013, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/staying-at-home/656553/60 "2013-04-25T23:58:20Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > How would you know? You’ve posted many times that your home situation there was not ideal, so it certainly didn’t provide a model of how time-consuming it is to raise kids in an ideal environment: one where their interests and talents are encouraged, where their academic progress is supported, and where their social development is nurtured. Nor have you ever seen how time-consuming it is to run a smooth, competent household: it’s not just a matter of running the vacuum and scrubbing down the toilets. People that do all those things and have both parents work, especially full time, are on the go 24/7 for decades. And let’s talk about nutrition. I winder how much of the obesity epidemic in the US today comes from eating packaged foods for dinner because there is no time to really cook. I know that when my wife is away I don’t eat dinner until 8 pm since I refuse to go the packaged food route for myself. Thanks to her being at home and then working at home we always had real dinners. This saves money, but the nutrition is more important. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/staying-at-home/656553.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/staying-at-home/656553.md?page=4)