On the upside, children are the best part of Christmas, so watching them have fun with their presents will maximize the joy for the whole gathering.
My siblings were as generous to my stepson as to the children I had. Not only does he remember that to this day, so do I.
I would’ve remembered had they slighted him. He was as important to me as my own kids.
If you can treat the step kids differently without being a jerk about it, then go ahead. But I don’t think you can do it without being a jerk about it.
I would treat each child equally.
Or worse, they experienced the death of a parent.
I vote for treating the kids equally, no matter what. The same thing goes for adopted kids (and yes, I’ve heard plenty of horror stories about adopted children being treated different from bio kids!).
Someone asked about a situation like this on a Reddit sub a month ago.
The OP was a parent of three step kids (a variety of ages; none of them small children or particularly grown) and one bio kid (a toddler) that he shared with his wife. The OP’s parents of course were overjoyed to have a flock of grandkids, but it was obvious from their gift-giving that the toddler was their “special” grandkid. Whereas the other kids would get a $10 gift at Christmas from the grandparents, the toddler would get the classic “let’s spoil our first grandbaby” kind of gifts. They would also make a big to-do over her birthday, but not over the other kids’ The OP was concerned about the favoritism and needed advice on how to the broach the topic with his parents.
The replies were mixed. Some people echoed the sentiment expressed here: the grandparents should treat them all the same. So they should give either $10 gifts for all the kids or every kid gets the “spoiled grandbaby” treatment.
But many of the responses came at it a different way. If the OP was worried about the unequal treatment, why wasn’t he concerned about how the toddler is getting short-shrifted? The OP revealed that all step siblings have two sets of bio grandparents spoiling them, plus their step grandparents. It must feel real shitty being in the toddler’s position, watching siblings playing with cool-ass toys courtesy of people who don’t even acknowledge her existence (because they don’t have to), while her grandparents aren’t allowed to spoil her the same way unless they do the same for all the kids (which they may not be able to afford). Even if her grandparents were to “do it up royal” for the whole family, she still has to deal with her step siblings having more than her. So a lot of posters felt like that while it sucks to be the stepkid watching the grandparents showing blatant favoritism for their bio grandkid, perhaps it really is no different than all the other suckiness of complicated family life that kids manage to endure when it is properly explained to them. As in, “Yes, I understand that Meemaw and Pop gave you a hat while they gave Carly a bike. But you got a bike from Nana last year. Meemaw and Pop just want Carly to have nice toys too.”
Since I didn’t grow up in a blended family, I found the discussion incredibly enlightening and came away thinking that the OP should probably leave his parents alone. But since I also didn’t grow up getting the “spoiled grandbaby” treatment, I also don’t see the problem giving all the kids an inexpensive bauble and calling it a day.
I think all siblings know that the babies in the family get special treatment. There’s a happy middle ground between giving stepkids nothing or crappy gift while lavishing the toddler and giving everyone a meh gift equally.
Giving the stepkids a meaningful, personal gift with love, even if it’s smaller or fewer than the toys baby gets, will do just fine. The point is to communicate to the stepkids that they are wanted and belong. In my house our kids were taught that “fair” isn’t everyone getting the same, but “fair” is everyone getting what they need. So the amount and types of gifts do not have to exactly equal. But they should be given with love and meaning regardless, and I think that can go along way to making sure stepkids feel valued, because they need that.
In Spanish we only use the “step” words to indicate that the relationship is several steps below lousy. If that’s the kind of relationship you want to have with the step-anythings, the sooner you start making the differences clear the better. Conversely, if you hope to get to know them and to someday have the same good relationships as with any other non-step-whatever, start working at the “getting to know them” part as soon as you can.
At what age someone joins your family shouldn’t be as important as the fact that they are family.
Its tough for me. The bio nieces and nephews were 12 and 14 and we had grown close when their mother remarried and brought 2 new kids into the family. I always gave them something special. Now its hard to not give them something without also giving the same to the new ones. I will try though but in reality the kids are getting to old for things.
Since you’ve decided to do the right thing, I will come in as the Ghost of Christmas Future. I have ten nieces and nephews, and only some are biologically related to me. As they came into the family, without discussing it, everyone in my family concluded that we would treat all the kids the same at Christmas. They are kids, after all. Life is complicated. Who wants to make a kid feel shitty on Christmas?
These kids are all my family and I love them all. Several have traveled far to visit me. Several call me on my birthday. Some check in on me by phone when I’m sick. I have a special relationship with each of them. Christmas Eve is also my favorite holiday because I can see them all together and be happy with them. I still give them Christmas gifts and now they are producing a new generation of delightful children I can share my life with. After knowing and loving all these kids for a couple of decades or so, I have to think carefully to remember which ones are “steps.”
I hope your experience is similarly rewarding. Merry Christmas!
That’s understandable; and when you have kids in a wide range of ages that need to be considered, it gets tricky b/c older kid’s things cost more.
Is there a way you can arrange or pay for an experience they all share at once, especially share w/ you? Then there’s no question everyone was included equally, plus good memories can be made together.
My brother and his girlfriend have a young son together and she has a teen daughter whose father’s unknown. Regardless of their parent’s relationship status, my nephew and his sister are blood; so I treat them equally. It’s just the right thing to do and to model for them.