# "Stepmom" as a descriptor in this circumstance **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 7, 2021, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stepmom-as-a-descriptor-in-this-circumstance/955672 "2021-12-07T22:38:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba9def/32.png) [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Just_Asking_Questions)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2021, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stepmom-as-a-descriptor-in-this-circumstance/955672/1 "2021-12-07T22:38:06Z")
Say you are a woman, and you have an ex-baby daddy (never married him, but he is the father of your daughter) and said BD has four other kids by previous relationships, only one of whom you’ve ever even met. Can you call yourself their “stepmom”? I think that’s silly, but the woman ( a real person) described her relationship to the (effectively stranger) kids thusly. Is this a thing? I know families are different than when I was a kid, dagnabbit, but this seems to be stretching the definition too much. Opinions? ---
**Author:** ![Si\_Amigo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/si_amigo/32/2877_2.png) [@Si\_Amigo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Si_Amigo)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2021, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stepmom-as-a-descriptor-in-this-circumstance/955672/2 "2021-12-07T22:47:06Z")
No, the kids are half brothers and sisters. She is no relation to any except her own child. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2021, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stepmom-as-a-descriptor-in-this-circumstance/955672/3 "2021-12-07T22:57:15Z")
If they were all cohabitating in the same house sure. It’s a nice way to bond I guess. But never having met them and to say you’re their “step mom” is just weird. Unless she’s just saying it to make her own kid feel better about his or her life circumstances. ---
**Author:** ![Roderick\_Femm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/roderick_femm/32/14875_2.png) [@Roderick\_Femm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roderick_Femm)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2021, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stepmom-as-a-descriptor-in-this-circumstance/955672/4 "2021-12-07T23:01:14Z")
Being charitable, perhaps the mother is trying to strengthen the half-sister and -brother bonds between her child and the others. Not being charitable (and I confess this was my first go-to) she is somehow trying to make herself more important, and/or to weasel her way deeper into her ex-BD’s life and relationships. ---
**Author:** ![Dewey\_Finn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dewey_finn/32/4222_2.png) [@Dewey\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dewey_Finn)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2021, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stepmom-as-a-descriptor-in-this-circumstance/955672/5 "2021-12-07T23:05:42Z")
So you object to stepmom but are happy to call the father of her child her “baby daddy”? ---
**Author:** ![MissTake](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misstake/32/3189_2.png) [@MissTake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MissTake)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2021, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stepmom-as-a-descriptor-in-this-circumstance/955672/6 "2021-12-07T23:37:10Z")
> [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](#): > > Say you are a woman, and you have an ex-baby daddy (never married him, but he is the father of your daughter) and said BD has four other kids by previous relationships, only one of whom you’ve ever even met. > > Can you call yourself their “stepmom”? I am a woman, with an ex-boyfriend who is the father of my daughter. He also has three younger children by three other women - reverse of your question. I only have a relationship with child #2 and never suggested she call me anything but my first name. Their mom never suggested my daughter call her anything but her first name. Mom #3 never suggested anything but her first name, but she’s only nine years older than my daughter, so that’s a whole different kettle of fish. Mom #4 is a special case. She and my ex dated between #2 and #3. She wanted my daughter to call her “mommy two”, to which my daughter “died cracking up at the crazy lady”. By the time the ex rebounded to her after #3, neither my daughter or I had any relationship with either of them. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2021, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stepmom-as-a-descriptor-in-this-circumstance/955672/7 "2021-12-07T23:40:29Z")
Because one is a true statement and the other is not? “Baby daddy” is not a pejorative term. ---
**Author:** ![Dewey\_Finn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dewey_finn/32/4222_2.png) [@Dewey\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dewey_Finn)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2021, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stepmom-as-a-descriptor-in-this-circumstance/955672/8 "2021-12-07T23:41:41Z")
Sorry, that’s the sense I had of the term. ---
**Author:** ![Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba9def/32.png) [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Just_Asking_Questions)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2021, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stepmom-as-a-descriptor-in-this-circumstance/955672/9 "2021-12-07T23:42:50Z")
> [@Dewey\_Finn](#): > > So you object to stepmom but are happy to call the father of her child her “baby daddy”? Wold you prefer sperm donor? Because calling him a father is too generous as well as inasccurate. But this thread is really about the “stepmom” identifier. ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2021, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stepmom-as-a-descriptor-in-this-circumstance/955672/10 "2021-12-07T23:46:20Z")
Baby daddy and father mean two separate things. “Baby daddy” is what he is to the mother; “father” is what he is to their child. ---
**Author:** ![Thing.Fish](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thing.fish/32/9168_2.png) [@Thing.Fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thing.Fish)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2021, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stepmom-as-a-descriptor-in-this-circumstance/955672/11 "2021-12-08T22:47:20Z")
Technically, she is not their stepmom, since she is not legally married to their father. If she were, she would, by definition, be the stepmother to all his other kids, regardless of how little of an actual relationship she might have with them. I certainly wouldn’t correct someone who wanted to use the word incorrectly in order to express how important they felt the relationship was to them emotionally. But if you literally have never met the person, misusing it just seems, as you say, silly. ---
**Author:** ![Two\_Many\_Cats2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/779978/32.png) [@Two\_Many\_Cats2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Two_Many_Cats2)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2021, 2:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stepmom-as-a-descriptor-in-this-circumstance/955672/12 "2021-12-09T02:24:16Z")
I’ve never heard the term ‘baby-daddy’ used any other way than derogatory, and always with a nasty racist undertone as well. I would never use it. As for the use of ‘stepchild’, unless you are living with the parent and sharing parental duties, I would not call them stepchildren. Absent children of significant others are half siblings. ---
**Author:** ![Thing.Fish](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thing.fish/32/9168_2.png) [@Thing.Fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thing.Fish)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2021, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stepmom-as-a-descriptor-in-this-circumstance/955672/13 "2021-12-09T18:16:59Z")
Huh? Your partner’s kids from previous relationships are half-siblings to any kids you and your partner have together, but not to you. I agree that in ordinary conversation it would be weird to refer to someone you barely know as a “stepchild”, but such a person could certainly meet the dictionary definition thereof. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2021, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stepmom-as-a-descriptor-in-this-circumstance/955672/14 "2021-12-09T18:22:04Z")
> [@Two\_Many\_Cats2](#): > > I’ve never heard the term ‘baby-daddy’ used any other way than derogatory, and always with a nasty racist undertone as well. I would never use it. I would not use it b/c I personally think it sounds stupid, but did not perceive any necessarily negative connotations - unless you perceive having children out of wedlock negatively. ---
**Author:** ![RitterSport](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rittersport/32/6326_2.png) [@RitterSport](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RitterSport)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2021, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stepmom-as-a-descriptor-in-this-circumstance/955672/15 "2021-12-09T18:29:35Z")
I think a stepmom has to act in some kind of mother role at some point in order to be called that. My father’s second wife saw us every Friday and Saturday, and acted as a parent when we were there – she’s a step mom. My mother never watched the child that my father and second wife had, so never became a step mom to my half brother. ---
**Author:** ![Horatius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horatius/32/3572_2.png) [@Horatius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horatius)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2021, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stepmom-as-a-descriptor-in-this-circumstance/955672/16 "2021-12-09T18:32:49Z")
> [@Dinsdale](#): > > I would not use it b/c I personally think it sounds stupid, but did not perceive any necessarily negative connotations - unless you perceive having children out of wedlock negatively. I suspect the connotations of “baby daddy” vary quite a bit based on what culture you’re approaching it from. I grew up in a time and place where having children out of wedlock was quite unusual, and so the term is kind of negative sounding to me, but I recognize that this isn’t the same for a lot of people. I can’t remember when I first heard this term, but it was certainly not common in my experience in the 70s. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2021, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stepmom-as-a-descriptor-in-this-circumstance/955672/17 "2021-12-09T18:35:11Z")
> [@Two\_Many\_Cats2](#): > > I’ve never heard the term ‘baby-daddy’ used any other way than derogatory, and always with a nasty racist undertone as well. I would never use it. Racist? The term is used primarily by black mothers. And they use the term to express the father of her child who she is no longer (or never) married to. Not racist. Not derogatory at all. ---
**Author:** ![Thing.Fish](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thing.fish/32/9168_2.png) [@Thing.Fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thing.Fish)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2021, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stepmom-as-a-descriptor-in-this-circumstance/955672/18 "2021-12-09T18:38:14Z")
I’ve certainly heard white people use the word in a tone which left little doubt that it was intended to be both racist and derogatory, but I agree that it isn’t _inherently_ so. ---
**Author:** ![Horatius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horatius/32/3572_2.png) [@Horatius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horatius)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2021, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stepmom-as-a-descriptor-in-this-circumstance/955672/19 "2021-12-09T18:39:05Z")
> [@Grrr](#): > > Racist? The term is used primarily by black mothers. And they use the term to express the father of her child who she is no longer (or never) married to. > > Not racist. Not derogatory at all. The term “Negro” was once considered “not racist”, until the racists started using it for that purpose. ---
**Author:** ![Two\_Many\_Cats2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/779978/32.png) [@Two\_Many\_Cats2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Two_Many_Cats2)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2021, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stepmom-as-a-descriptor-in-this-circumstance/955672/20 "2021-12-09T18:40:29Z")
> [@Grrr](#): > > Racist? The term is used primarily by black mothers. And they use the term to express the father of her child who she is no longer (or never) married to. Yeah, but certain cretins use it for racist ridicule. Like saying “Where de baby-daddy at?” when a black mother passes by with her child. I’ve heard this on the bus going to work. Or when the same sort of cretins start discussing welfare policy. It’s disgusting what MAGA types get up to. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stepmom-as-a-descriptor-in-this-circumstance/955672.md?page=2)