# Sticky (cheating-related) situation- advice sought **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 9, 2008, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sticky-cheating-related-situation-advice-sought/436945 "2008-02-09T19:13:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![RedRosesForMe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/91b2a8/32.png) [@RedRosesForMe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RedRosesForMe)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2008, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sticky-cheating-related-situation-advice-sought/436945/1 "2008-02-09T19:13:14Z")
This may get confusing but I’ll try to keep it as clear and concise as possible. My best friend Anne\* asked me what, if anything, she should do about a very delicate situation involving her ex-husband. Anne and her former husband Jack split up a few years ago but still have a very good relationship- no fighting over custody of their son, still friendly with each other. Anne married her current husband, Dan, a year ago. Shortly thereafter, Jack married his current wife, Cathy. Cathy and Jack recently had a son of their own. Jack and Dan work together, so they see each other on an almost daily basis. Apparently, Jack confessed to Dan that while his wife was out of town last week, he cheated on her with a girl he’d dated prior to marrying Cathy. Jack, of course, asked Dan not to tell anyone, but he had to tell his wife Anne, and Anne told me. But, aside from us, no one knows. Anne doesn’t know what to do. She obviously thinks this is Not Okay and is something Cathy should know about, but doesn’t know how to broach the subject, or if she should at all. She’s afraid of ruining the friendly relationship she has with her ex-husband and his new wife. What to do? We were discussing all sorts of possibilities, like anonymous notes or having a neutral third party tell Cathy he’d seen Jack out with another woman. How would you handle it? \*Names changed to protect the guilty. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2008, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sticky-cheating-related-situation-advice-sought/436945/2 "2008-02-09T19:15:55Z")
Mind your own business. Tell Anne to mind hers. ---
**Author:** ![Phlosphr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@Phlosphr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phlosphr)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2008, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sticky-cheating-related-situation-advice-sought/436945/3 "2008-02-09T19:31:58Z")
Stop - back away slowly. If you can’t do that…the truth is always the best way to go. Whether it hurts or not. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2008, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sticky-cheating-related-situation-advice-sought/436945/4 "2008-02-09T19:33:11Z")
“But, aside from us, no one knows.” I’m sorry… I know this is a serious topic, but that was laugh out loud funny. Re advice… what twickster said. ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2008, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sticky-cheating-related-situation-advice-sought/436945/5 "2008-02-09T19:40:48Z")
This is something that came up once or twice a year in the old Ann Landers column. She always said to not tell the cheated-on spouse. First, she probably already knows. Second, telling her will almost certainly harm your relationship with her. ---
**Author:** ![brickbacon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/898d66/32.png) [@brickbacon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brickbacon)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2008, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sticky-cheating-related-situation-advice-sought/436945/6 "2008-02-09T19:49:48Z")
Don’t say anything. You don’t want to initiate any actions that may ultimately harm your son. plus, it’s none of your business. ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2008, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sticky-cheating-related-situation-advice-sought/436945/7 "2008-02-09T20:06:28Z")
Even Miss Manners says not to tell the cheated spouse. It’s none of your business and can only do harm. She draws the line, however, at lying for someone else. If Jack asks Dan to lie for him, Dan should refuse. ---
**Author:** ![Chessic\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7c8e57/32.png) [@Chessic\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chessic_Sense)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2008, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sticky-cheating-related-situation-advice-sought/436945/8 "2008-02-09T20:12:57Z")
Why would you even think of telling Cathy? So you can give yourself a pat on the back? I might have missed this, or you may have left it out of the story, but what allegience do you have to Cathy? You should be allied with Jack, not Cathy. And by you, I mean Anne and you. ---
**Author:** ![missbunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/76d3ee/32.png) [@missbunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/missbunny)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2008, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sticky-cheating-related-situation-advice-sought/436945/9 "2008-02-09T20:28:51Z")
[QUOTE=RedRosesForMe] Jack, of course, asked Dan not to tell anyone, but he had to tell his wife Anne, and Anne told me. But, aside from us, no one knows. [/QUOTE] Dan “had” to tell Anne, did he? And Anne presumably “had” to tell you? You all should mind your own business. And make yourself a note to never ever tell Dan anything, since it’s obvious he doesn’t know how to keep his trap shut. Nobody has anything to do about this except Dan, who might encourage Jack to look into his own heart and figure out what HE (Jack) thinks he should do–whether that’s confess or erase it from memory–and then do it. The rest of you should walk away. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2008, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sticky-cheating-related-situation-advice-sought/436945/10 "2008-02-09T20:33:06Z")
In situations like this, I turn to German philosophy for guidance. Specifically the great German philosopher Sgt. Schultz. I know nufthink! I see NUFTHINK! ---
**Author:** ![brazil84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8491ac/32.png) [@brazil84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brazil84)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2008, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sticky-cheating-related-situation-advice-sought/436945/11 "2008-02-09T20:36:07Z")
It’s a no-brainer. Keep your mouth shut. Most cheated-on spouses are aware of it but choose to ignore it. It’s like telling somebody that they’re fat – they’re probably aware of it already, but chances are they will be annoyed at you for telling them. Because they prefer not to confront it, at least at the time. ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2008, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sticky-cheating-related-situation-advice-sought/436945/12 "2008-02-09T21:08:15Z")
Some people cannot confess directly when they have done wrong, or need to deliver news or confront someone. So what they do is tell somone else (preferably a busybody) and swear them to secrecy, knowing full well that the person is incapable of keeping it. It gets it out there, they didn’t have to initiate it, and they have the added bonus of being able to claim to be a victim. It’s chickenshit, but it happens. BTW, if I had to get something ‘off my chest’ and didn’t want it broadcast, I would NOT tell someone who may be involved with it. Since Dan knows both Cathy and Anne, he is definitely ‘involved’. It was unfair to burden him with knowledge. If he kept to himself, and Jack eventually confessed on his own, Dan will face some consquence for having kept the secret. Jack is not a good person. ---
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2008, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sticky-cheating-related-situation-advice-sought/436945/13 "2008-02-09T21:49:01Z")
Why would anyone tell a former spouse’s current spouse about an infidelity? Anne should be worrying about what to say to her son when Cathy disappears from his life, and nothing else. ---
**Author:** ![brazil84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8491ac/32.png) [@brazil84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brazil84)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2008, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sticky-cheating-related-situation-advice-sought/436945/14 "2008-02-09T22:22:41Z")
[QUOTE=spooje] Some people cannot confess directly when they have done wrong, or need to deliver news or confront someone. [/quote] I think that’s true too. A lot of people who have affairs want to get caught. But still I would keep my mouth shut. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2008, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sticky-cheating-related-situation-advice-sought/436945/15 "2008-02-09T23:44:18Z")
Another vote for say nothing. ---
**Author:** ![Gary\_Robson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gary_robson/32/3448_2.png) [@Gary\_Robson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_Robson)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2008, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sticky-cheating-related-situation-advice-sought/436945/16 "2008-02-10T00:07:49Z")
I came in to say what **astro** said. There’s no such thing as a “secret” known by five (Jack, Dan, Anne, you, and Jack’s old girlfriend). I can almost guarantee that others know already. I’d stay out of it. ---
**Author:** ![Hostile\_Dialect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e495f1/32.png) [@Hostile\_Dialect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hostile_Dialect)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2008, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sticky-cheating-related-situation-advice-sought/436945/17 "2008-02-10T00:11:38Z")
> [@RedRosesForMe](#): > > ack, of course, asked Dan not to tell anyone, but he had to tell his wife Anne, and Anne told me. But, aside from us, no one knows. 1. He didn’t _have_ to tell anyone. Did his wife hold a gun to his head or something? 2. I doubt very much that Anne hasn’t told all of her other friends. 3. There’s nothing difficult about this. Just mind your beeswax. ---
**Author:** ![Sophistry\_and\_Illusion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b3f665/32.png) [@Sophistry\_and\_Illusion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sophistry_and_Illusion)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2008, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sticky-cheating-related-situation-advice-sought/436945/18 "2008-02-10T03:01:24Z")
I’m a moralistic son of a bitch, but I’ll cast another vote for not telling. It is obviously in their son’s best interest for Anne and Jack to maintain a good relationship with each other, and this is not accomplished by Anne ratting out Jack. The son’s welfare must come first. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2008, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sticky-cheating-related-situation-advice-sought/436945/19 "2008-02-10T03:54:32Z")
Yup, this is one of those “stand at the sidelines and feel bad for everyone but there’s nothing you can do” situations. And I agree that a “secret” known by five people is no secret at all. ---
**Author:** ![SomeUserName](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e480ec/32.png) [@SomeUserName](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SomeUserName)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2008, 10:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sticky-cheating-related-situation-advice-sought/436945/20 "2008-02-10T10:34:19Z")
I vote for her to stay out of it. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sticky-cheating-related-situation-advice-sought/436945.md?page=2)