# Stop bullying my wife's parents into moving near you, you manipulative bitch of a sister-in-law **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [March 30, 2015, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-bullying-my-wifes-parents-into-moving-near-you-you-manipulative-bitch-of-a-sister-in-law/716374 "2015-03-30T23:07:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![russian\_heel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f05b48/32.png) [@russian\_heel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/russian_heel)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2015, 4:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-bullying-my-wifes-parents-into-moving-near-you-you-manipulative-bitch-of-a-sister-in-law/716374/101 "2015-09-16T04:57:38Z")
> [@Dr.Drake](#): > > This, right here, is so petty that it serves as an excellent encapsulation of the situation. Your general feelings are valid, but way, way, way out of proportion. The lion’s share of the blame is on your parents-in-law, whom you totally excuse. This is why the situation will never change and never stop frustrating you. > > Quite telling that you don’t give your parents-in-law a voice in this conversation, and that your wife doesn’t just say “that has nothing to do with me; talk to them.” > > The key phrase here is “my in-laws declined.” They are responsible for this dynamic. If they declined, and their decline made it harder on your wife, **you need to tell them that**. Your sister-in-law is not the cause of everyone else’s passivity. Yes, she takes advantage of it, and no, she shouldn’t, but she’s not 100% to blame. > > It may be that, with kids, she can only be an effective caretaker if they are close. Probably she is just using it as an excuse, but it sounds like neither you nor your wife nor the parents-in-law have actually explicitly asked for what you want; you just resent her for not doing it. > > No, it’s your wife’s parents’ problem. They can end this discussion once and for all. Their refusal to do so is what’s causing your problems. Very good points. I think the problem is they are afraid to stand up for themselves, because she will then take away the grandchildren. I don’t have grandchildren, but from what I hear and understand by people that do, theres few things in life worse than not getting to enjoy them in your old age. ---
**Author:** ![russian\_heel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f05b48/32.png) [@russian\_heel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/russian_heel)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2015, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-bullying-my-wifes-parents-into-moving-near-you-you-manipulative-bitch-of-a-sister-in-law/716374/102 "2015-09-16T05:01:02Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > You just don’t get it, do you? THE HUSBAND DIDN’T SIGN THE CARD!!! This is a terribly serious situation, here. > > OP, I suggest you challenge him to a duel. Maybe I should! LOL I like my BIL, but from the chit chat I gather, he and my FIL and MIL don’t quite see eye to eye, so you can see how this might be taken as a passive-aggressive shot. Meanwhile, there I am, making visits to the hospital with my wife, staying at home with them while they recovered, yet, THEY say they are the best equipped to watch over my in-laws in their December years. ---
**Author:** ![russian\_heel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f05b48/32.png) [@russian\_heel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/russian_heel)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2015, 5:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-bullying-my-wifes-parents-into-moving-near-you-you-manipulative-bitch-of-a-sister-in-law/716374/103 "2015-09-16T05:04:20Z")
> [@TroutMan](#): > > You’re missing the point. He’s not worried about them being unable to make their own decisions. He’s worried that they’ll make a decision on their own that he doesn’t like. But it won’t be on their own. If you back in the thread, SIL says she will make the decision FOR them. I heard this with my very own ears. Now, I don’t know how she plans to do that, legally, but the only thing I can think of is she will take the grandchildren away from them if they don’t listen to her. Ultimately, thats an awfully hard thing to give up for the elderly: giving up their grandchildren in order to not move closer to them. But they don’t WANT to move near where they live. Its not easy as making a decision “on your own” when you are being so emotionally manipulated. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2015, 6:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-bullying-my-wifes-parents-into-moving-near-you-you-manipulative-bitch-of-a-sister-in-law/716374/104 "2015-09-16T06:06:48Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > You just don’t get it, do you? THE HUSBAND DIDN’T SIGN THE CARD!!! This is a terribly serious situation, here. > > OP, I suggest you challenge him to a duel. Table-banging shoes at thirty paces! ---
**Author:** ![tumbleddown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e9bcb4/32.png) [@tumbleddown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tumbleddown)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2015, 9:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-bullying-my-wifes-parents-into-moving-near-you-you-manipulative-bitch-of-a-sister-in-law/716374/105 "2015-09-16T09:40:26Z")
I’m really glad that so few Dopers have had to deal with passive-aggressive, demanding or emotionally manipulative family members. Yes, just cutting off contact is an option, but it’s an option that causes pain, anxiety, grief and loss. It’s an option that complicates other relationships because fault lines will immediately emerge as people feel obligated to take sides, or become targets for passive-aggression or manipulation themselves because they try not to choose sides. It must be nice to be free of toxic family members or so devil-may-care about relationships that you can treat people as if they’re disposable, just cutting off contact at will. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Drake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Dr.Drake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Drake)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2015, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-bullying-my-wifes-parents-into-moving-near-you-you-manipulative-bitch-of-a-sister-in-law/716374/106 "2015-09-16T14:36:29Z")
Re: access to the grandchildren: I get that it’s stressful. Your parents-in-law aren’t emotionally strong enough to stand up to the manipulative daughter. There are two better ways of dealing with it that I can think of: 1. Lie & stall. Say they _will_ move, and set a date for 2018. Then, as that date approaches, push it back by a few months to a year. Repeat as necessary. 2. [what I prefer] Be open about what’s going on with everyone. Have the conversation, with the children present, and ask the kids what they think of being used to manipulate their grandparents. Ask the kids whether they want to lose access to their grandparents. It’s going to be hard for sister-in-law to use this weapon once the kids know that she’s doing it. My guess is that sister-in-law will absolutely deny that she ever did any such thing, but if she denies it in front of witnesses, she can’t use the same technique in the future. I suspect this is too hard, as well. A lot of people will put up with a lot of misery to avoid a frank conversation that touches on unpleasant subjects. Option 3 is for your in-laws to grow a spine, and stop using their other child as a proxy spine, because that’s bad, but it’s clearly off the table in this case, so I guess you have to work with what you’ve got. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2015, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-bullying-my-wifes-parents-into-moving-near-you-you-manipulative-bitch-of-a-sister-in-law/716374/107 "2015-09-16T14:44:26Z")
> [@Dr.Drake](#): > > … 2. [what I prefer] Be open about what’s going on with everyone. Have the conversation, with the children present, and ask the kids what they think of being used to manipulate their grandparents. Ask the kids whether they want to lose access to their grandparents. … This is an awful, terrible idea, even worse than what your SIL is doing. She is manipulating your parents with threats about access to the kids. Under this scheme, you’d be threatening them directly. Please don’t do this. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Drake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Dr.Drake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Drake)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2015, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-bullying-my-wifes-parents-into-moving-near-you-you-manipulative-bitch-of-a-sister-in-law/716374/108 "2015-09-16T14:52:45Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > This is an awful, terrible idea, even worse than what your SIL is doing. She is manipulating your parents with threats about access to the kids. Under this scheme, you’d be threatening them directly. > > Please don’t do this. I’m sorry if this came across as a threat. Don’t read it that way! (And don’t use children, your own or other people, as weapons in a family fight.) I meant to suggest a conversation involving the entire family, including the kids (who sound old enough to be included). If they are being used, they deserve to know it, and to have a voice. It’s just that manipulators have a difficult time if everybody talks to each other, and if they are open and honest. (Bias alert) My own extremely toxic family regularly shuts down communication with some or all in order to increase their ability to manipulate through ignorance. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2015, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-bullying-my-wifes-parents-into-moving-near-you-you-manipulative-bitch-of-a-sister-in-law/716374/109 "2015-09-16T14:58:53Z")
The OP has no real business in this fight anyway, and I don’t see how explaining to the kids that their mother is using them as a threat against the grandparents can be seen as doing anything other than sewing more discord and anger into the situation. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Drake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Dr.Drake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Drake)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2015, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-bullying-my-wifes-parents-into-moving-near-you-you-manipulative-bitch-of-a-sister-in-law/716374/110 "2015-09-16T15:09:29Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > The OP has no real business in this fight anyway, and I don’t see how explaining to the kids that their mother is using them as a threat against the grandparents can be seen as doing anything other than sewing more discord and anger into the situation. You’re talking about the kids as if they have no voice. I’m not talking about telling them anything: ask them what they think about being in touch with their grandparents. Listen to what they have to say. Ask their mother, in front of them, if she’d prevent the kids from visiting their grandparents. She’ll say “no, of course not,” probably quickly. Then that’s been said where everyone can hear. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2015, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-bullying-my-wifes-parents-into-moving-near-you-you-manipulative-bitch-of-a-sister-in-law/716374/111 "2015-09-16T15:18:57Z")
You said: > [@](#): > > and ask the kids what they think of being used to manipulate their grandparents. Ask the kids whether they want to lose access to their grandparents. You are are all but accusing their mom of using them as weapons in emotional warfare. “Just asking questions” as a justification is nonsense given the nature of the questions you propose. I’m going to stop arguing this, because I think this is such a bad idea that if you don’t get it, there is no point in further discussion. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2015, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-bullying-my-wifes-parents-into-moving-near-you-you-manipulative-bitch-of-a-sister-in-law/716374/112 "2015-09-16T17:12:46Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > The OP has no real business in this fight anyway, and I don’t see how explaining to the kids that their mother is using them as a threat against the grandparents can be seen as doing anything other than **sewing** more discord and anger into the situation. SOWING. It’s a metaphor for agriculture, not embroidery. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2015, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-bullying-my-wifes-parents-into-moving-near-you-you-manipulative-bitch-of-a-sister-in-law/716374/113 "2015-09-16T17:15:49Z")
Anyway, if the kids are just a few years away from going away to college, that suggests they’re probably teenagers. One more visit, and I imagine the GPs won’t care about threatened loss of access as much as they used to. You know, because teenagers are obnoxious. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2015, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-bullying-my-wifes-parents-into-moving-near-you-you-manipulative-bitch-of-a-sister-in-law/716374/114 "2015-09-16T17:19:59Z")
> [@kaylasdad99](#): > > SOWING. > > It’s a metaphor for agriculture, not embroidery. It was a type, not a metaphorpo. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2015, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-bullying-my-wifes-parents-into-moving-near-you-you-manipulative-bitch-of-a-sister-in-law/716374/115 "2015-09-16T17:21:44Z")
nm. Snark. ---
**Author:** ![Filbert](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/filbert/32/3433_2.png) [@Filbert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Filbert)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2015, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-bullying-my-wifes-parents-into-moving-near-you-you-manipulative-bitch-of-a-sister-in-law/716374/116 "2015-09-16T18:30:17Z")
> [@kaylasdad99](#): > > Anyway, if the kids are just a few years away from going away to college, that suggests they’re probably teenagers. One more visit, and I imagine the GPs won’t care about threatened loss of access as much as they used to. > > You know, because teenagers are obnoxious. Nah, just extremely precocious; one was only 4 back in March. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-bullying-my-wifes-parents-into-moving-near-you-you-manipulative-bitch-of-a-sister-in-law/716374.md?page=5)