# Stop it, you fucking stapler-crazed monkeys! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [April 15, 2006, 7:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-it-you-fucking-stapler-crazed-monkeys/352766 "2006-04-15T07:18:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![crowmanyclouds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crowmanyclouds/32/19884_2.png) [@crowmanyclouds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crowmanyclouds)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2006, 7:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-it-you-fucking-stapler-crazed-monkeys/352766/21 "2006-04-16T07:46:29Z")
> [@NinjaChick](#): > > It occured to me today that, being a government office and whatnot, they do have various security screenings of most of their mail. I could sprinkle some flour or something into an envelope and mail it to them, which could feasibly shut down the entire (huge) building until they realized it wasn’t anthrax or something… [ > [@](#): > > WASHINGTON — Postal worker Clarence Lindsey allegedly scrawled “ANTHRAX INCLOSED” on a package at his job as a joke, but authorities found no humor in the misspelling or the deed. The Illinois man was indicted and, if convicted, could face up to 5 years in jail. > Lindsey is one of 58 people around the country arrested and charged in connection with anthrax hoaxes or threats since the anthrax scare began after Sept. 11, the postal service says. Of the total, 30 face federal charges, 28 state charges… > > …Those arrested for anthrax hoaxes have been charged with obstructing the mail, threatening to use weapons of mass destruction and using the mail to send threatening communications. The maximum penalty carried by each federal charge is 5 years in jail and a $250,000 fine. ]([Chicago Suburbs News - Chicago Tribune](http://www.suburbanchicagonews.com/focus/terrorism/archives/1201/w22anthrax.html) )CMC fnord! ---
**Author:** ![The\_King\_of\_Soup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a87d85/32.png) [@The\_King\_of\_Soup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_King_of_Soup)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2006, 8:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-it-you-fucking-stapler-crazed-monkeys/352766/22 "2006-04-16T08:51:52Z")
(Excerpted from Wholecloth Publishing’s The Passive-Aggressive Office: Dos, Don’ts, and Go-Ahead-See-if-I-Cares): **Chapter Four: Stapling for Emphasis.** Much as Charlotte de la Tour codified for the Victorians a virtual language of flowers, today’s office has at its disposal myriad ways to convey emotions and thoughts using readily available staples as words and their placement as grammar. This makes possible such sophisticated “unofficial” communications as: - One staple, vertical, upper left – “Here is the document you wanted.” - Three staples, diagonal, upper left – “My stapler is unreliable.” - One staple, horizontal, lower right – “This document probably made more sense in the original Urdu.” - Four staples, across top – “THANK! GOD! IT’S! FRIDAY!” - Five staples, top center & each corner – “In twelve years, nobody in this organization has listened to anything I’ve said or read anything I’ve written. Behind the cover sheet is twenty-two pages of pornography plagiarized from magazines I stole from a Tijuana candy store. You won’t notice, either.” - Twenty-seven staples, random placement: “Ha-ha! I stole your staple remover!” - One staple, center left, with red splotch – “OH SHIT I JUST STAPLED THE WEBBING OF MY FUCKING THUMB TO THE QUARTERLY REPORT SOMEBODY GET ME SOME GAUZE OR SOMETHING OH DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT!!!” ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@Lord\_Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2006, 12:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-it-you-fucking-stapler-crazed-monkeys/352766/23 "2006-04-16T12:11:33Z")
Sorry, but I don’t, for even a minute, buy the idea that they won’t give you a staple remover. ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2006, 12:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-it-you-fucking-stapler-crazed-monkeys/352766/24 "2006-04-16T12:57:00Z")
I’m tickled by the thought of an jobbwhere you have to _ask_ for office supplies. Everywhere I’ve worked, it’s always been need --\> see --\> take. ---
**Author:** ![Otanx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Otanx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otanx)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2006, 2:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-it-you-fucking-stapler-crazed-monkeys/352766/25 "2006-04-16T14:05:37Z")
> [@Lord Ashtar](#): > > Sorry, but I don’t, for even a minute, buy the idea that they won’t give you a staple remover. Never worked for the goverment have you? There is always talk of goverment waste. “The goverment is buying this or that” they say. I want to meet the people that are spending this money. Every goverment employee I have had to work with refused to spend money. Even for something as small as a staple remover. It took me a few minutes to realize that **sturmhauke** was joking. Not sure if I should be depressed at my lack of humor, or saddened at the state of goverment. **The King of Soup** thanks, my roommate thinks I am a few staples short of a full swingline. Be glad you are leaving **NinjaChick**. Hope you have a better time at your new job. -Otanx ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2006, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-it-you-fucking-stapler-crazed-monkeys/352766/26 "2006-04-16T16:36:32Z")
> [@Alessan](#): > > I’m tickled by the thought of an jobbwhere you have to _ask_ for office supplies. > > Everywhere I’ve worked, it’s always been need → see → take. I worked at one job where they made us buy most of our own office supplies (you know, fancy stuff like staplers and pens). I wish I was kidding. I went and bought my own stuff, and labelled it all in huge black letters with my name, and took it all with me when I left. Bastards. ---
**Author:** ![NinjaChick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/71c47a/32.png) [@NinjaChick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinjaChick)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2006, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-it-you-fucking-stapler-crazed-monkeys/352766/27 "2006-04-16T17:22:46Z")
> [@Alessan](#): > > I’m tickled by the thought of an jobbwhere you have to _ask_ for office supplies. > > Everywhere I’ve worked, it’s always been need → see → take. My old job was like that. to the point where my boss actually encouraged me to take pens, pencils, and folders for my own personal use. ---
**Author:** ![JohnBckWLD](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d6d6ee/32.png) [@JohnBckWLD](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnBckWLD)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2006, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-it-you-fucking-stapler-crazed-monkeys/352766/28 "2006-04-16T19:06:33Z")
NinjaChick, say hello to [Biggirl](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=308361). Perhaps it’s the advent of Spring that brings out the stapler beast in us all. ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Tiger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/6de8d8/32.png) [@Mama\_Tiger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Tiger)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2006, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-it-you-fucking-stapler-crazed-monkeys/352766/29 "2006-04-16T22:01:28Z")
Boy, I remember those days well, **featherlou** – I worked for an office once where the guy in charge of supplies would not order new paperclips until we were _completely_ out, and then it would take up to two weeks to get the new supply from Office Supplies 'R Cheap. Or buying my own left-handed scissors and writing my name all over them to the point where people were afraid to even _look_ at them, let alone touch them. Having worked for the gummint for several years, may I offer the single most useful piece of advice I garnered in my years feeding at the public trough: \*\*Make Friends With the Supply Clerk. \*\* I would get a call whenever a new supply order would come in so I could go down and help myself to whatever I needed. Naturally, I turned into a Supply Hoarder™, which I am to this day; it’s a constant struggle not to clean out the supply aisle at Costco just so I’ll have those 48 different colored Sharpies in case I ever need them! But the only, I repeat **only** way to survive as a gummint employee is to Make Friends With the Supply Clerk! ---
**Author:** ![fessie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@fessie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fessie)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2006, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-it-you-fucking-stapler-crazed-monkeys/352766/30 "2006-04-17T01:38:18Z")
Yep, there truly are some offices where you simply CANNOT have the office supplies you need. Happened to me at an AFL-CIO union office, the beotch in charge would decide if you actually needed those post-it notes (after she got done reading every single piece of paper that came into or went out of the office). Seems like staplers are usually a premium item - you really want an Ace Cadet Liftop (model 302) if you mean business. [Short, but sweet.](http://www.artstuff.net/ace_desk_staplers.htm) Staple remover? You’ve got to sleep with someone to get your hands on one of those. ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Tiger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/6de8d8/32.png) [@Mama\_Tiger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Tiger)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2006, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-it-you-fucking-stapler-crazed-monkeys/352766/31 "2006-04-17T01:48:22Z")
The best stapler is my mother’s. It’s about 40 years old, solid metal, best stapler in the entire universe. I actually insisted she put a codicil in her will giving me that stapler; I don’t want anybody else to get their greedy hands on it! Why yes, I do covet my mother’s stapler, why do you ask? And for staple removers, my all-time favorite is the [Swingline Premium Staple Remover](http://www.swingline.com/products/productdetail.aspx?cat=16&p=S7037141P). Causes the least damage of any out there. Buy your own; write your name on it in permanent marker; take it with you from job to job. You’ll never be staple-removerless again. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2006, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-it-you-fucking-stapler-crazed-monkeys/352766/32 "2006-04-17T14:07:29Z")
> [@Mama Tiger](#): > > \ > I would get a call whenever a new supply order would come in so I could go down and help myself to whatever I needed. Naturally, I turned into a Supply Hoarder™, which I am to this day; it’s a constant struggle not to clean out the supply aisle at Costco just so I’ll have those 48 different colored Sharpies in case I ever need them! But the only, I repeat **only** way to survive as a gummint employee is to Make Friends With the Supply Clerk! That’s the negative feedback loop that supply misers set up. An order of supplies comes in, and everybody knows it’s feast or famine, so everybody scrabbles to grab all the supplies they can because they know there _aren’t_ more where those came from (not in a timely fashion, anyway). I have to say, the bad feelings that this kind of stinginess with supplies causes is all out of proportion with how little effort and money it would take to make supplies freely available (and have employees feeling like they are actually valued by the company, not resented). ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2006, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-it-you-fucking-stapler-crazed-monkeys/352766/33 "2006-04-17T14:10:28Z")
> [@Mama Tiger](#): > > The best stapler is my mother’s. It’s about 40 years old, solid metal, best stapler in the entire universe. I actually insisted she put a codicil in her will giving me that stapler; I don’t want anybody else to get their greedy hands on it! Why yes, I do covet my mother’s stapler, why do you ask? > \ The feeling you get when you have a stapler that reliably staples more documents than you expect it to and never jams, and a staple remover that first time, every time, just grabs those staples out - it’s indescribable to someone who hasn’t worked in an office. Not orgasmic or anything, just so damned satisfying. ---
**Author:** ![Lionne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Lionne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lionne)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2006, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-it-you-fucking-stapler-crazed-monkeys/352766/34 "2006-04-17T18:40:29Z")
> [@Mama Tiger](#): > > And for staple removers, my all-time favorite is the [Swingline Premium Staple Remover](http://www.swingline.com/products/productdetail.aspx?cat=16&p=S7037141P). Causes the least damage of any out there. Buy your own; write your name on it in permanent marker; take it with you from job to job. You’ll never be staple-removerless again. 😃 Ah, but I have something better! Mine has a magnet by the tip that holds the staples in place until I shake them into the trash. No more fingers getting poked when trying to remove the staples from the little gap. No more staples all over the counter. Bliss. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Madd\_Maxx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Madd\_Maxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Madd_Maxx)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2006, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-it-you-fucking-stapler-crazed-monkeys/352766/35 "2006-04-17T18:48:29Z")
> [@featherlou](#): > > The feeling you get when you have a stapler that reliably staples more documents than you expect it to and never jams, and a staple remover that first time, every time, just grabs those staples out - it’s indescribable to someone who hasn’t worked in an office. Not orgasmic or anything, just so damned satisfying. Hello, my name is **Madd Maxx** and I hoard writing utensils. And colored paper clips. And just about any type of office supply I can get my hands on. ☹ I have a whole drawer devoted to “spare” office supplies. Things get so bad around here that after layoff’s people start scavenging the recently departed cubicles for any usable office supplies. I have had people leave me supplies when they get laid off, like a person might leave someone a trinket in a will. That is how I got my electric stapler. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2006, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-it-you-fucking-stapler-crazed-monkeys/352766/36 "2006-04-17T19:58:23Z")
Ooh, an electric stapler. The Holy Grail of office supplies. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2006, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-it-you-fucking-stapler-crazed-monkeys/352766/37 "2006-04-18T15:24:44Z")
> [@The King of Soup](#): > > (Excerpted from Wholecloth Publishing’s The Passive-Aggressive Office: Dos, Don’ts, and Go-Ahead-See-if-I-Cares): > > **Chapter Four: Stapling for Emphasis.** > > Much as Charlotte de la Tour codified for the Victorians a virtual language of flowers, today’s office has at its disposal myriad ways to convey emotions and thoughts using readily available staples as words and their placement as grammar. This makes possible such sophisticated “unofficial” communications as: > > - One staple, vertical, upper left – “Here is the document you wanted.” > > - Three staples, diagonal, upper left – “My stapler is unreliable.” > > - One staple, horizontal, lower right – “This document probably made more sense in the original Urdu.” > > - Four staples, across top – “THANK! GOD! IT’S! FRIDAY!” > > - Five staples, top center & each corner – “In twelve years, nobody in this organization has listened to anything I’ve said or read anything I’ve written. Behind the cover sheet is twenty-two pages of pornography plagiarized from magazines I stole from a Tijuana candy store. You won’t notice, either.” > > - Twenty-seven staples, random placement: “Ha-ha! I stole your staple remover!” > > - One staple, center left, with red splotch – “OH SHIT I JUST STAPLED THE WEBBING OF MY FUCKING THUMB TO THE QUARTERLY REPORT SOMEBODY GET ME SOME GAUZE OR SOMETHING OH DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT!!!” HAH! Is that a real book? I can’t find it on Amazon. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2006, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-it-you-fucking-stapler-crazed-monkeys/352766/38 "2006-04-18T15:36:11Z")
[An old thread on Staplers](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=259241&highlight=stapler) Stapler Haiku’s too. ---
**Author:** ![NinjaChick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/71c47a/32.png) [@NinjaChick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinjaChick)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2006, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-it-you-fucking-stapler-crazed-monkeys/352766/39 "2006-04-18T15:43:53Z")
Update for anyone interested: Last night (I’m on the night-shift) I talked to my manager about it again. The proper way for Edit to indicate not to enter a section is to x out the entire page with a red pen. It is _not_ to draw an x through the first page of five which shouldn’t be entered, and then staple those pages together at the bottom right. Manager said that she’d write a memo, and see about getting some staple removers, as I’m not the only one complaining. I also told her that (entirely unrelated to the staplejerks) Friday is going to be my last day, since I’m leaving the country a week from today, and my _god_ that felt good to say. ---
**Author:** ![BiblioCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed8c4c/32.png) [@BiblioCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BiblioCat)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2006, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-it-you-fucking-stapler-crazed-monkeys/352766/40 "2006-04-18T16:07:36Z")
> [@Mama Tiger](#): > > Boy, I remember those days well, **featherlou** – I worked for an office once where the guy in charge of supplies would not order new paperclips until we were _completely_ out, and then it would take up to two weeks to get the new supply from Office Supplies 'R Cheap. In my one and only Office Job, one of my tasks was to monitor and reorder office supplies. In my stupidity, I thought this meant reordering things when they got low, so as to Not Completely Run Out Of Stuff. Imagine my surprise when the office manager took me aside and reamed me out … um, I mean, corrected me. I was not to reorder supplies of basic necessities like paper clips and toner and boxes of paper until we were completely out _and_ had an order totaling over $100. :smack: We ordered from Office Depot and they delivered within 48 hours, but still. What a stupid policy. > [@](#): > > … may I offer the single most useful piece of advice I garnered in my years feeding at the public trough: > > \*\*Make Friends With the Supply Clerk. \*\* > > I would get a call whenever a new supply order would come in so I could go down and help myself to whatever I needed. Naturally, I turned into a Supply Hoarder™… Even though I _was_ the Supply Clerk, I still was something of a Hoarder. I’d always stash a box of paper clips and a handful of pens in my file drawer behind the hanging files. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-it-you-fucking-stapler-crazed-monkeys/352766.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-it-you-fucking-stapler-crazed-monkeys/352766.md?page=3)