# Stop looking at me! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [November 21, 2003, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403 "2003-11-21T00:34:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Lord\_Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@Lord\_Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2003, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/21 "2003-11-21T17:45:53Z")
Geez, **Daerlyn**. He hasn’t done anything other than stare at your ass? Can’t you just be pleased that he thinks you’re hot and let it go? ---
**Author:** ![sperfur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9adbd/32.png) [@sperfur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sperfur)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2003, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/22 "2003-11-21T18:13:16Z")
**Jodi** , you’re just too darn rational. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2003, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/23 "2003-11-21T18:31:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Giraffe \* > \*\*Feisty, eh? I like that. > > :: checks out **Daerlyn** ’s ass :: > > Damn, girl, you got fries to go with that shake? Mmmm-MMM!! \*\* _Gots_ to be jelly, cuz jam don’t shake like that! ---
**Author:** ![Jodi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7feea3/32.png) [@Jodi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jodi)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2003, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/24 "2003-11-21T20:13:18Z")
> [@](#): > > Jodi, you’re just too darn rational. I notice you’re staring at my tits as you say that. [sub]Nice, ain’t they?[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![KarmaComa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e36b37/32.png) [@KarmaComa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KarmaComa)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2003, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/25 "2003-11-21T22:11:48Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Jodi \* > \*\*I notice you’re staring at my tits as you say that. > [sub]Nice, ain’t they?[/sub] \*\* Cite? ---
**Author:** ![Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carol_the_Impaler)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2003, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/26 "2003-11-21T22:52:29Z")
While I agree with almost all of your tactic, **Jodi** , I don’t understand why **Daerlyn** should have to smile and chat him up a bit. Drives me crazy that - for some people - women are only allowed (or at least encouraged) to be _nice_ when making it plain they deserve basic respect and common courtesy. (“Um, hello, sir. I was wondering, if it’s not too much trouble, if you could, again if it’s not too much trouble, pwease pwease treat me with respect???”) Bullshit. I agree that **Daerlyn** doesn’t have to be a stark-raving bitch to get her point across. Simple, direct acknowledgement of said creep-o-rama, in the I-see-you-staring-at-me spirit you describe is a good idea. But it just drives me bananas that, for some reason, women have to be almost cloying about shit like this. If the point is for **Daerlyn** to assert, assertively yet politely, that she is a human being and not an object, then why top of the exercise by rolling over and showing her belly? I believe the point will be best made by making a _statement_, not by putting it in the form of a question. And beyond that, I don’t think this creep deserves her attention at all. ---
**Author:** ![Chanteuse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de053/32.png) [@Chanteuse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chanteuse)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2003, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/27 "2003-11-21T23:16:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Lord Ashtar \* > \*\*Geez, **Daerlyn**. He hasn’t done anything other than stare at your ass? Can’t you just be pleased that he thinks you’re hot and let it go? \*\* Have YOU ever had someone just STARE at you, unblinkingly and unremittingly? It’s _completely_ unnerving. And it’s also just plain RUDE. **Daerlyn** , that used to happen to my sisters at their apartment complex. Every time they had to pass this guy’s apartment, he’d stare at them without a word and it made them really uncomfortable. Finally one sister gave him a pointed stare and said, “_Boo_!” It got the message across and he left them alone after that. ---
**Author:** ![Daerlyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/898d66/32.png) [@Daerlyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daerlyn)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2003, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/28 "2003-11-21T23:45:47Z")
**Waverly** , I realise that almost all guys (and hell, most chicks) ogle. I don’t care, as long as you’re not doing the ocular equivalent of laser tracking. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Daerlyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/898d66/32.png) [@Daerlyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daerlyn)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2003, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/29 "2003-11-21T23:49:45Z")
Gah. Apparently I hit enter or something. **Lord Ashtar** , **Mayflower** has pegged it. It’s almost like he’s not even checking me out; I feel like I’m being sized up by Hannibal Lecter. And **Jodi** , sadly I don’t think I’m capable of being that polite. 😃 I have to disagree with **niblet** though, in that I don’t think what you outlined counts as cloying (In fact, I’ve noticed that when people pull this kind of stuff, excess politeness _really_ creeps them out. Fair’s fair.) ---
**Author:** ![Bob\_Scene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e19adc/32.png) [@Bob\_Scene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bob_Scene)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2003, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/30 "2003-11-22T00:24:50Z")
When I worked for the state we had the same problem with a guy named Lloyd. He would stare at _all_ the women in a way that totally creeped them out. They complained about it to the bosses, and the bosses responded by getting some partition walls and building a little four-sided enclosure out of them and putting Lloyd’s desk in there. It didn’t work. There was a window about 100 feet from Lloyd’s desk that looked out onto a hallway, and he would lean out the door of the enclosure and stare at women passing by that window (he never did any actual work). After more complaints, the bosses had the window replaced with frosted glass. So, did Lloyd ever get disciplined or fired for sexual harrassment? Hell, no! He got a _huge_ raise and a promotion! Anyway, I think leering at women _is_ sexual harrassment if it creeps them out, but I would recommend you try **Jodi’s** approach before complaining to management. ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@Lord\_Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2003, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/31 "2003-11-22T00:31:04Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Daerlyn \* > **Lord Ashtar, Mayflower has pegged it. It’s almost like he’s not even checking me out; I feel like I’m being sized up by Hannibal Lecter.** Sounds like you feel uncomfortable with what he’s doing, which would make it sexual harassment. Time to go to Human Resources and file a complaint. ---
**Author:** ![Jodi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7feea3/32.png) [@Jodi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jodi)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2003, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/32 "2003-11-22T00:52:37Z")
> [@](#): > > But it just drives me bananas that, for some reason, women have to be almost cloying about shit like this. If the point is for Daerlyn to assert, assertively yet politely, that she is a human being and not an object, then why top of the exercise by rolling over and showing her belly? You _don’t_ have to be “cloying.” I don’t think I ever suggested that, though I have suggested she be friendly, which I think we can all agree he doesn’t really deserve. And she doesn’t even have to do that; she could just as easily tell the guy to keep his eyes to himself before she pokes them out. The questions are, what results does she want to achieve and how is the best way to achieve them. Assuming she would like to (a) stop the behavior but (b) not have to deal with a hostile work environment, IMO the best way to accomplish those goals is to let the guy know he is bothering her, without pissing him off or coming across to the other coworkers as some hyper-sensitive bitchy girl. Is this a bit like appeasement? Sure. It is sort of gravelling that she should even have to do it? Sure. But there it is. Either the guy is a clueless idiot, in which can it would be seen as cruel and over-reactive to bite his head off, or he’s an asshole who’s doing it intentionally, in which case letting him know he’s succeeded in getting a rise out of her is unlikely to make him stop the behavior. So IMO you can’t just think in terms of what she’d _like_ to do, or what she ought to be _able_ to do in a perfect world (though in a perfect world it wouldn’t be happening in the first place), but rather in terms of what is going to be the most _effective_ thing to do to accomplish the desired result. Of course, if she just can’t choke down the “excessive politeness” route, then it’s not an option in the first place. But by saying that it might be the most effective thing to do, I certainly don’t mean I think that women generally have any obligation to “roll over.” So DAERLYN, even if you can’t do it – and to be honest, I don’t know if I could, it would depend how creeped out and/or pissed off I was – I’m glad you didn’t think I was suggesting that you in any way kiss his ass. Kick it, maybe. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Manduck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/manduck/32/256_2.png) [@Manduck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Manduck)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2003, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/33 "2003-11-22T01:19:24Z")
[old joke]Your ass looks real funny with those eyes glued to it[/old joke] ---
**Author:** ![Boo\_Boo\_Foo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@Boo\_Boo\_Foo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boo_Boo_Foo)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2003, 12:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/34 "2003-11-22T12:50:20Z")
Years ago I worked as a draftsman in a company that made mining equipment. We had two machine shops filled exclusively with men - about 60 men per machine shop I’d say. And then we had the engineering department filled with engineers and draftsmen and clerical people - of which a few were women. One of my fellow draftpersons was named Desiree - yep, no shit that was her name. And Desiree had a really pretty face. Extraordinarily pretty actually. But she was a heavy unit too. Quite solid in a Russian shot putting kinda way if you know what I mean. Nonetheless, it was part of the job description that if you were a drafstman and you had to drop drawings off to either of the machine shops then off you’d go. And that included Desiree. In my 3 years working at that company, not once, ever did a worker say anything remotely improper to Desiree. Not once. Never did she get a wolf whistle or anything. There were no signs up saying jack shit about political correctness of proper behavior or anything like that - it was simply expected behavior that to act like a gentleman was the right thing to do if you were a worker in the machine shops. But man, did those guys stare at her. Every time she walked in, every guy had at least one quick stare - and she knew it. So I pondered on this and it occurred to me… alright, Desiree was no Heidi Klum but every guy stared at her nonetheless. Basically, in the abscence of competition even an ugly woman is deemed beautiful. And Desiree was very pretty in the face it has to be said. My point here is that there were no other women walking into this entirely male domain. It was utterly biological - men stared because a female had come into their zone - but then the rules of good behaviour took over and that was as far it went. I bet you if Desiree had had her face, and Heidi Klum’s body, the stares would have not been much longer in time span. The shop foreman would have told the workers to keep their mind on the job. However, if Desiree had dropped off drawings 3 or 4 times a day, wearing a super brief French Maid’s outfit with fishnet stockings and suspenders and had also had a body like Heidi Klum, I suspect that possibly somebody might have said something - probably after they chopped off one of their fingers in a metal press. ---
**Author:** ![Mac\_Guffin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/2bfe46/32.png) [@Mac\_Guffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mac_Guffin)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2003, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/35 "2003-11-22T14:21:45Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Lord Ashtar \* > \*\*Sounds like you feel uncomfortable with what he’s doing, which would make it sexual harassment. Time to go to Human Resources and file a complaint. \*\* The hell? Now looking at someone is sexual harrasment? Good god. ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@Lord\_Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2003, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/36 "2003-11-22T15:05:15Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Mac Guffin \* > \*\*The hell? Now looking at someone is sexual harrasment? > > Good god. \*\* Apparently. Ask the OP. ---
**Author:** ![Helen\_s\_Eidolon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/8edcca/32.png) [@Helen\_s\_Eidolon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helen_s_Eidolon)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2003, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/37 "2003-11-22T15:09:48Z")
I assure you, **Lord Ashtar** , once you experience the kind of stare **Daerlyn** is talking about, you’ll understand. ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@Lord\_Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2003, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/38 "2003-11-22T15:18:38Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by LaurAnge \* > \*\*I assure you, **Lord Ashtar** , once you experience the kind of stare **Daerlyn** is talking about, you’ll understand. \*\* You assume that I’ve never been gawked at by a girl who I found creepy. Nice assumption. Want to know how I handled it? I ignored her. That’s it. She eventually got bored and stopped gawking. It was at work, too. So, I fail to see why the OP can’t do the same thing. ---
**Author:** ![Helen\_s\_Eidolon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/8edcca/32.png) [@Helen\_s\_Eidolon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helen_s_Eidolon)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2003, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/39 "2003-11-22T15:22:38Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Lord Ashtar \* > **You assume that I’ve never been gawked at by a girl who I found creepy. Nice assumption. Want to know how I handled it?** So you weren’t made uncomfortable by it at all? ---
**Author:** ![coffeecat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/coffeecat/32/3405_2.png) [@coffeecat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/coffeecat)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2003, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/40 "2003-11-22T15:47:18Z")
It’s kind of mind boggling that you could get taken to court for looking at someone the wrong way, although maybe I don’t fully grasp the kind of stare **Daerlyn** is talking about. In fact, I might be right there by Creepy’s side, staring at her butt, confident that I couldn’t be making her feel bad because if her back was to me, she wouldn’t realize I was looking. The best way to get _me_ to stop would be to say, “Please stop checking me out; it makes me uncomfortable.” I couldn’t say if that would work with this guy, or if he simply wouldn’t care because he’s an asshole. ``` Coffeecat ``` Who believes women should be treated fairly and judged as individuals and likes to look at their curvy, bumpy parts. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403.md?page=3)