# Stop looking at me! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [November 21, 2003, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403 "2003-11-21T00:34:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Helen\_s\_Eidolon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/8edcca/32.png) [@Helen\_s\_Eidolon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helen_s_Eidolon)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2003, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/41 "2003-11-22T16:01:20Z")
Please note, **Daerlyn** has said that she’s not thinking of accusing him of sexual harassment, at work or to the police (which I assume is what you meant by “taken to court”). It is most likely just not that big a deal. But it is creepy, and therefore worth a pitting. ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@Lord\_Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2003, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/42 "2003-11-22T16:24:59Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by LaurAnge \* > \*\*So you weren’t made uncomfortable by it at all? \*\* Sure I was. But part of being an adult and living the real world is dealing with things that you aren’t entirely comfortable with. ---
**Author:** ![Helen\_s\_Eidolon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/8edcca/32.png) [@Helen\_s\_Eidolon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helen_s_Eidolon)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2003, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/43 "2003-11-22T17:26:17Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Lord Ashtar \* > \*\*Sure I was. But part of being an adult and living the real world is dealing with things that you aren’t entirely comfortable with. \*\* So what exactly is your problem, then? She was made uncomfortable, she pitted the guy. She’s dealing with it. ---
**Author:** ![Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carol_the_Impaler)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2003, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/44 "2003-11-22T17:44:42Z")
> [@](#): > > IMO the best way to accomplish those goals is to let the guy know he is bothering her, without pissing him off or coming across to the other coworkers as some hyper-sensitive bitchy girl. I agree, and I think you and I are talking about - and trying to accomplish - the same thing, **Jodi**. I think there is a middle ground here, between reacting with a verbal flame-thrower and making it seem like this guy’s behavior is a valid option, open to his assent or not. I’m saying that **Daerlyn** by all means has every right to tell this guy that his behavior is wrong and not okay, and that that can be done straight-forwardly without resorting to either anger or unneccessary displays of “respect” she does not feel. I think either of these extremes - and I think that is my biggest problem with the smiling/chatting up portion of your good suggestion, in that it is an unneccessary extreme - distracts from her main goal, which is to assert her validity as a human being worthy of respect. (Man! What a run-on sentence!) I prefer addressing the problem directly and matter-of-factly, making the point clear that 1) he’s not fooling anyone, **Dearlyn** is aware of what he’s doing, and 2) **Dearlyn** will not abide this behavior. This guy could be a big idiot who thinks he’s paying her some kind of compliment, or he may be trying to get a rise out of her. In the second case, being a “bitch” (don’t get me started on how much I hate that term and all its connotations) or - in the alternative - being the non-assuming female won’t help, and - I presume - only add fuel to the fire. So, I agree with your goal, **Jodi**. I just feel strongly about your methods. I would like all women to know that there are more than two options, the bitch or the doormat. And then I think **Daerlyn** should ignore him. Or, if she feels it’s warranted, bring it up to her boss. ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@Lord\_Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2003, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/45 "2003-11-22T20:05:31Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by LaurAnge \* > \*\*So what exactly is your problem, then? She was made uncomfortable, she pitted the guy. She’s dealing with it. \*\* No problem. Just chiming in with my opinion on how to handle the situation. ---
**Author:** ![Daerlyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/898d66/32.png) [@Daerlyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daerlyn)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2003, 5:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/46 "2003-11-23T05:52:00Z")
I think taking it to HR would be kind of excessive. I mean, the conversaiton would go like this: Me: “He keeps staring at me.” HR: “Leering?” Me: “No, just looking.” HR: “Has he said or done anything inappropriate?” Me: “No, just stares at me in a totally impassive manner.” HR: “Riiiiiiiiight.” I’d feel kinda stupid for bringing it up. If it continues though, I’m going to call him on it. Gently (though not necessarily nicely), of course. ---
**Author:** ![Futile\_Gesture](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f05b48/32.png) [@Futile\_Gesture](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Futile_Gesture)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2003, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/47 "2003-11-23T15:54:43Z")
HR: Am I ok looking at you, or are you going to report me too? Chances are your looker would crawl under a rock and die of embarrassment if you called him on it. Wait until plenty people are around. Far better that than getting HR involved. ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2003, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/48 "2003-11-23T16:03:11Z")
Personally I think an icy “Claire Huxtable” stare and an equally icy “…care to stop staring at my ass every time I walk by?” would do the trick. ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2003, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/49 "2003-11-23T16:56:01Z")
Actually, if the OP went to HR, they would very likely just arrange a private meeting with the starer and tell him that his behavior was making a female co-worker uncomfortable and that he needs to stop it. He wouldn’t get fired, unless he persisted in doing it after (probably multiple) warnings. I probably wouldn’t go to HR until it was clear the guy knew I didn’t like it and still kept doing it. ---
**Author:** ![Find\_Friends](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@Find\_Friends](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Find_Friends)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2003, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/50 "2003-11-23T20:30:17Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Daerlyn \* > \*\* > > … > > But damn, being impassively stared at everytime I walk past the receiving area is creeping the shit out of me. \*\* I’m sorry. I really am. * * * True Blue Jack ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2003, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/51 "2003-11-23T20:46:23Z")
im confused. would you prefer these men hit on you in person by trying to talk to you or what? and since when did looking at womens bodies become creepy? if its creepy why is it that at the gym i go to all the attractive women (the ones that wear shorts that stop 14" above the knee) use the elliptical machines in the front row where everyone can see them? ---
**Author:** ![Tommyturtle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8491ac/32.png) [@Tommyturtle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tommyturtle)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2003, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/52 "2003-11-23T22:04:14Z")
You ever consider that maybe he’s not staring at YOU…he’s really a closet cross dresser and he’s wondering how he’d looked wearing your clothes Now don’t you feel silly? 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carol_the_Impaler)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2003, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/53 "2003-11-24T15:44:04Z")
**Senor Clark** , Surely you understand the import of context and intent??? ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@Lord\_Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2003, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/54 "2003-11-24T16:04:43Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by niblet\_head \* > \*\ ***Senor Clark** , > > Surely you understand the import of context and intent??? \*\* Let’s pretend he doesn’t. Why don’t you explain it to us? ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2003, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/55 "2003-11-24T20:48:39Z")
Si senor. i think i do understand context and intent. In a gym some women want men to look at them but the OP is uncomfortable with it due to the fact that the men don’t glance, they stare and they don’t do anything else like try to communicate with her or talk to her like a person (im guessing). I’m referring to the fact that its now ‘creepy’ to look at women’s asses now (but im guessing people are referring to ‘staring’ instead of ‘glancing’). Tell it to the women who wear clothes that are 2 sizes to small out in public then. Me myself im a starer, i prefer a 4-5 second look instead of a quick glance. ---
**Author:** ![Waverly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/57b2e6/32.png) [@Waverly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waverly)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2003, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/56 "2003-11-24T21:04:53Z")
Wesley, are you stating that a woman in a gym is more likely to enjoy being stared at than women in other settings? Please explain. Ditto for women in the currently fashionable tighter fitting clothing. Me, I don’t think wanting to look good equates to being comfortable with leering, but maybe I’m not as worldly as you. ---
**Author:** ![Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carol_the_Impaler)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2003, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/57 "2003-11-24T21:28:12Z")
Well, **Lord Ashtar** , human behavior and interaction is not black and white. Men aren’t _always_ scum-sucking pigs and women aren’t _always_ over-sensitive cock teases. In my world, _both_ men and women want and need to be seen as human beings - full of folly, to be sure, but recognizing that neither gender is more or less deserving of common courtesy and respect. Mature men and women can understand and appreciate that. To immature women, men are always at fault. To immature men, it is the opposite. ---
**Author:** ![Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carol_the_Impaler)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2003, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/58 "2003-11-24T21:32:58Z")
**Wesley Clark** , I submit that it was always creepy to some women to have their asses stared at, regardless of era or garb. Further, of course you are the kind of man that if you were told your behavior was not appreciated, would surely apologize for the misunderstanding and refrain from continued glances of any length. ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2003, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/59 "2003-11-24T22:22:22Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by niblet\_head \* > \*\ ***Wesley Clark** , I submit that it was always creepy to some women to have their asses stared at, regardless of era or garb. > > Further, of course you are the kind of man that if you were told your behavior was not appreciated, would surely apologize for the misunderstanding and refrain from continued glances of any length. \*\* Im not that kind of man, sorry. As long as they don’t know about it i fail to see the harm. If they asked me to stop i would however. secondly, i stand by my first statement. If a woman wants to wear clothes 2 sizes to small i’m not going to feel guilty for looking at her body. I might as well buy a mercedes and give waiters $100 tips then complain that women only want me for my money (if i had any, that is). Waverly- im saying that based on the setting and body language some women in the gym project (showing up in clothes too small and tight, using machines in the front row) that they probably want men to look at them. The OP does not do that the OP just shows up in regular clothes at a business setting. ---
**Author:** ![Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carol_the_Impaler)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2003, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403/60 "2003-11-24T22:52:08Z")
> [@](#): > > im saying that based on the setting and body language some women in the gym project (showing up in clothes too small and tight, using machines in the front row) that they probably want men to look at them. Well, then you DO understand context and intent. If that is what a particular woman wants, or is not bothered by, more power to her. And if she’s ok with you looking, more power to you, too! Just understand and accept that everyone has their own boundaries and ideas of right and wrong. And standards for what is tight and not… Do note that I said "_if_ you were told that your behavior was unappreciated… " Hell, I check men out, too. But if a man said he didn’t appreciate it, I’d stop. (Looking at him, not looking at men in general.) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-looking-at-me/214403.md?page=4)