# Stop Me If You've Heard This One! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 25, 2006, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-me-if-youve-heard-this-one/370268 "2006-08-25T23:20:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![jayjay](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jayjay/32/6765_2.png) [@jayjay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayjay)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2006, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-me-if-youve-heard-this-one/370268/1 "2006-08-25T23:20:50Z")
So, the kosher bakery hired a new employee, a shady kind of guy. His first attempt at his job resulted in the ugliest, least appetizing-looking matzo anyone at the bakery had ever seen, so they kicked him out on the street. The shady dealer was desperate for some money, since his last three cons had been a bust. So he took his poor ugly little matzo and set up on the streetcorner. The first prospect to pass by took one look at the thing and walked off without even pausing. So did the second. Finally, two men came walking toward the corner with dubious but interested looks on their faces and the con man began his spiel. “This is an amazing magical matzo, folks! It’ll cook, it’ll clean, it’ll even weed the garden for you! You have to buy it now! As a matter of fact, it’ll perform the _bris_ for your first-born son!” At that, one of the marks says to the other, “C’mon…it’s a scam.” “How do you know?” said his friend. “Because everyone knows that a botched matz’ never mohels…” ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2006, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-me-if-youve-heard-this-one/370268/2 "2006-08-25T23:22:23Z")
Stop. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2006, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-me-if-youve-heard-this-one/370268/3 "2006-08-25T23:25:34Z")
How much Fur kin yew get from King Kong? As Fur as possible, if y’all are smart, city boy! ---
**Author:** ![Civil\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d78d45/32.png) [@Civil\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Civil_Guy)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2006, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-me-if-youve-heard-this-one/370268/4 "2006-08-25T23:29:57Z")
A guy makes the rounds looking for a job as a salesperson. He goes into the one company and talks to the lead salesperson - she tells him that they’re not really hiring, but if he can prove himself, they’ll find a position for him. She shows him the closet in her office, which holds the ugliest suit anyone has ever seen, purple and orange paisley and checks, you name it, and tells him that if he can sell the suit by the time she gets back from lunch, he’s got a job. …Oh, you’ve heard it before. Sorry. ---
**Author:** ![supervenusfreak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@supervenusfreak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/supervenusfreak)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2006, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-me-if-youve-heard-this-one/370268/5 "2006-08-25T23:40:59Z")
Great. Now I am going to have to hear these jokes all night long… _warms up vocal chords_ “What’s gonna beeeeee eeeeeeee eeeeeee eeeeeee?” Thank heavens for [this thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=385466). I now have ammunition for tonight! ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2006, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-me-if-youve-heard-this-one/370268/6 "2006-08-25T23:43:05Z")
So Shlomo goes into to see Abie the tailor for a suit mitt two pair pents. Abie puts his oldest suit on Shlomo: “See how gud it looks! A ragular Bo Bummel, yat.” Shlomo: “What are you talkink about? The sleeves are two different lengths!” Abie: “Feh, soch a leetle thing: just pull one arm down lower than the other and it looks fine.” Shlomo: “But the legs are two different lengths, too.” Abie: “Shlomo, dollink, just leeft up one leg when you walk and it’ll look like Ronald Cullman, yat.” Shlomo: “But Abie, the lapels are two different widths!” Abie: “Bubbula, just hunch over like this and it all evens out, for only fife dollars, yat!” So Shlomo buys the suit and goes walking down the street, one arm raised, one down; one leg lifted, and other dragging, and hunched over. He passes by Mrs. Yifnif and Mrs. Noftalis. Mrs. Yifnif: “Oy, just look at the poor horrible cripple!” Mrs. Noftalis: “But doesn’t his suit fit just _lovely?_” ---
**Author:** ![SnakesCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@SnakesCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnakesCatLady)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-me-if-youve-heard-this-one/370268/7 "2006-08-26T00:01:19Z")
A toddler is sitting in the bathtub during his bath. He starts to inspect his testicles. Mama, are these my brains? Not yet. ---
**Author:** ![freckafree](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/freckafree/32/3050_2.png) [@freckafree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/freckafree)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-me-if-youve-heard-this-one/370268/8 "2006-08-26T00:14:07Z")
A farmer had a terrible problem with barn swallows trying to build nests in the manes of his draft horses. He tried everything he could think of to keep the barn swallows away, but nothing worked. He finally consulted a veterinarian, who told him to wash the horses’ manes with brewers yeast to repel the birds. Skeptical though he was, he did as the vet suggested and was astonished that it worked. He went back to the vet to ask why such a simple solution was so effective. The vet replied: “Yeast is yeast, and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.” ---
**Author:** ![Miss\_Purl\_McKnittington](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9a140/32.png) [@Miss\_Purl\_McKnittington](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miss_Purl_McKnittington)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-me-if-youve-heard-this-one/370268/9 "2006-08-26T00:39:54Z")
So these two cows are out lying in a field and they’re having a good gossip. The subjects rolls around to health concerns for cattle, and the first cow says to the second cow, “So, what do you think of this mad cow disease? Shame, isn’t it?” The second cows stares at the first cow for a second and then rolls her eyes. “Why should I care?” she says. “I’m a helicopter!” Tee hee hee. ---
**Author:** ![fisha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/da6949/32.png) [@fisha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fisha)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-me-if-youve-heard-this-one/370268/10 "2006-08-26T00:48:13Z")
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. “Goodness,” says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says, “Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes.” ``` The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life." Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time." The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?" The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill." The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you, too. And might I ask how your sex life is?" The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week? Is that all?!" The golfer looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."- ``` ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-me-if-youve-heard-this-one/370268/11 "2006-08-26T01:20:04Z")
Man walks into Greek tailoring shop, puts a pair of pants on the counter. Examining them, the tailor finds a big tear in the fabric. Tailor: “Euripides?” Customer: “Yes. Eumenides?” ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-me-if-youve-heard-this-one/370268/12 "2006-08-26T01:34:57Z")
Who said I lied to her? ---
**Author:** ![Civil\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d78d45/32.png) [@Civil\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Civil_Guy)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-me-if-youve-heard-this-one/370268/13 "2006-08-26T02:07:37Z")
A … Oh. You’ve heard it before. Never mind. ---
**Author:** ![Anastasaeon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Anastasaeon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anastasaeon)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 2:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-me-if-youve-heard-this-one/370268/14 "2006-08-26T02:09:29Z")
[QUOTE=Ludovic] Who said I lied to her? [/QUOTE] …because I never, I never! ---
**Author:** ![Precambrianmollusc](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/precambrianmollusc/32/63_2.png) [@Precambrianmollusc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Precambrianmollusc)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-me-if-youve-heard-this-one/370268/15 "2006-08-26T02:57:35Z")
A doe walk out of the forest and said ‘well I’m not doing that for five bucks again’ ---
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 3:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-me-if-youve-heard-this-one/370268/16 "2006-08-26T03:00:24Z")
Two sausages are lying in a frying pan and one looks at the other and says, “Man, it is so hot in here! Don’t you think it’s hot in here?” The other sausage looks at the first one and says, “Oh my god, a talking sausage!” ---
**Author:** ![danceswithcats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9e8a1a/32.png) [@danceswithcats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/danceswithcats)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-me-if-youve-heard-this-one/370268/17 "2006-08-26T03:14:51Z")
Abe and Murray, both Orthodox Jews, need new overcoats, so they head down to see their buddy, Marcus Pinkus. He shows them nice coats, but Abe complains that they’re dark blue, not black. Marcus assures them that the coats are indeed black, but merely appear blue in the fluorescent light of the store. With misgivings, they pay for the coats and walk outside. Abe looks at the sleeve and opines, “It’s blue.” Murray sees two nuns waiting to cross the street, and rushes up to them. Holding his sleeve up to the nun’s habit, he compares the color, and turns to Abe. “Marcus Pinkus fucked us!,” he exclaims. “Whoa,” says the nun. “When did you guys start speaking Latin?” ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 1:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-me-if-youve-heard-this-one/370268/18 "2006-08-26T13:24:35Z")
[QUOTE=danceswithcats] “Whoa,” says the nun. “When did you guys start speaking Latin?” [/QUOTE] _HA_hahahahahaha! ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-me-if-youve-heard-this-one/370268/19 "2006-08-26T13:50:18Z")
[QUOTE=freckafree] A farmer had a terrible problem with barn swallows trying to build nests in the manes of his draft horses. He tried everything he could think of to keep the barn swallows away, but nothing worked. He finally consulted a veterinarian, who told him to wash the horses’ manes with brewers yeast to repel the birds. Skeptical though he was, he did as the vet suggested and was astonished that it worked. He went back to the vet to ask why such a simple solution was so effective. The vet replied: “Yeast is yeast, and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.” [/QUOTE] Awesome! ---
**Author:** ![danceswithcats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9e8a1a/32.png) [@danceswithcats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/danceswithcats)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2006, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stop-me-if-youve-heard-this-one/370268/20 "2006-08-26T18:57:03Z")
Two priests are in the bathroom, and while using the urinals, one of them notices a Nicoderm patch on the other man’s penis. “You know,” he says, “I think you’re supposed to put the patch on your shoulder or arm.” “It’s working fine,” the other replies. “I’m down to two butts a day.”