# Straight Dope, THE MOVIE! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 18, 2000, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941 "2000-01-18T17:11:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Jebediah](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ac91a4/32.png) [@Jebediah](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jebediah)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2000, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/1 "2000-01-18T17:11:00Z")
I had this dream last night that I watched “Straight Dope, The Movie”. Here was the basic premise: A comit hit the earth (unimaginative, I know) and only Cecil, the all knowing, was able to see it coming (but with very short notice) so it was up to him to rebuild civilization in the aftermath. Wonderful special affects with the whole shockwave destroying New York City thing. Unfortunately, I woke up before I got very far into the movie. So put yourself in my movie, imagine Cecil warned all of us here on the SDMB that doom was imminent and we all hid underground until trouble passed over. How would the rest of the movie go? BTW, Cecil was played by a buff hansom fella, accompanied by some hollywood starlet as his assistant at the archeological dig he had an appointment for. There’s nothing like those holywood dreams. ---
**Author:** ![Rodd\_Hill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/3ab097/32.png) [@Rodd\_Hill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rodd_Hill)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2000, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/2 "2000-01-18T17:18:00Z")
Before we greenlight this project, I think we should ask: will it play in Peoria? And more importantly, who will be cast as everyone’s favorite posters? I suggest Nicholas Cage as **Satan** (hair extensions required); Since Audrey Hepburn is no longer with us, who will play the part of **Eve**? ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2000, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/3 "2000-01-18T17:21:00Z")
Well, that would have to be Catherine Zeta-Jones, but only if she promises to get into shape first. * * * Uke ---
**Author:** ![Mullinator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@Mullinator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mullinator)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2000, 6:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/4 "2000-01-19T06:01:00Z")
I would make a cameo as myself in a scene battling floating and evil comet fragments. My superheated phaser vision would destroy the fragment and allow the remaining dopers to continue their journey to Chicago to become part of the new society headed by Cecil. I, however, would gallop into the sunset for the land of oiled up, amazon, love goddesses. * * * Well, shut my mouth. It’s also illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purposes of gambling. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2000, 6:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/5 "2000-01-19T06:08:00Z")
Do we really need a remake of “Lord of the Flies”? ---
**Author:** ![ChrisCTP](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e36b37/32.png) [@ChrisCTP](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChrisCTP)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2000, 6:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/6 "2000-01-19T06:13:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Cecil was played by a buff hansom fella, accompanied by some hollywood starlet as his assistant Ed Zotti played by…Heather Graham?? * * * “…being normal is not necessarily a virtue. It rather denotes a lack of courage.” ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2000, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/7 "2000-01-18T21:26:00Z")
Aw, aren’t you sweet, Ike and Rodd! I’ve never met Rodd (though we’re young yet), but I can’t think of ANY modern actor who has Ike’s combination of looks, charm and fashion flair. We’ll just have to clone Fred Astaire and Skeets Gallagher somehow . . . ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2000, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/8 "2000-01-18T21:37:00Z")
I still wouldn’t be able to find a man, but a bump on the head would give me the ability to speak with animals and I would roam around healing the sick and injured. ---
**Author:** ![Sylence](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b19c9b/32.png) [@Sylence](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sylence)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2000, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/9 "2000-01-18T21:45:00Z")
I would be the “guy with no real talents who somehow manages to make a cross-country trip through incredible danger to bring the Important Message to the leaders of the only hope for the world.” – Sylence * * * I don’t have an evil side. Just a really, really apathetic one. ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2000, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/10 "2000-01-18T21:46:00Z")
Naw, Michelle, you’d just probably wander around thinking you were Ginger. ---
**Author:** ![Strainger](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/strainger/32/244_2.png) [@Strainger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Strainger)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2000, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/11 "2000-01-18T21:48:00Z")
I would be played by Jim Carrey - acting goofy, annoying the hell out of everyone… ---
**Author:** ![pluto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f08c70/32.png) [@pluto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pluto)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2000, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/12 "2000-01-18T21:49:00Z")
Since George Burns is dead, they’ll have to find some other crusty but loveable old guy to play me. Is Keanu Reeves still available? I could be the guy who, while the whole audience knows that whatever you do – **DON’T OPEN THAT DOOR** , opens the door. * * * “To do her justice, I can’t see that she could have found anything nastier to say if she’d thought it out with both hands for a fortnight.” Dorothy L. Sayers _Busman’s Honeymoon_ ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2000, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/13 "2000-01-18T22:26:00Z")
I wanna be the guy who goes down in the basement where you know there’s another guy down there with an axe, and I get to say, “Listen! Please! I’m here to help you!” just before the guy takes my head off, and then my head goes flying off and the camera cuts to the corner of the basement and there’s my head, looking surprised as hell. * * * Uke ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2000, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/14 "2000-01-18T23:44:00Z")
The part of Falcon will be played by Gillian Anderson, a fellow redheaded hottie. According to Falcon, the part of MaxTorque will be played by Dale Midkiff. Yeah, I know, I had to look him up too. ---
**Author:** ![GuanoLad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guanolad/32/42_2.png) [@GuanoLad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GuanoLad)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2000, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/15 "2000-01-19T00:02:00Z")
The part of GuanoLad will be played by Mike Myers. His role will be to hang around in the crowd scenes and just make silly comments all through the movie. Half the audience will love him, half will hate him. It’s a make-or-break part 🙂 * * * **-PIGEONMAN-** Returns! [The Legend Of PigeonMan](http://www.hotkey.net.au/~guanolad/pigeonman/) - **By Popular Demand!** Enjoy, enjoy! ---
**Author:** ![PurpleCrackwhore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/9fc348/32.png) [@PurpleCrackwhore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PurpleCrackwhore)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2000, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/16 "2000-01-19T00:38:00Z")
I would be most honoured if my part was played by Whoopi Goldberg. I think she is prolly the only actress out there who can carry off my uniqueness. * * * I really try to be good but it just isn’t in my nature! ---
**Author:** ![Rodd\_Hill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/3ab097/32.png) [@Rodd\_Hill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rodd_Hill)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2000, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/17 "2000-01-19T00:44:00Z")
Although I imagine myself a Dirk Bogarde, I just know that Central Casting would suggest a young Sydney Greenstreet, but with hair. “Wallace Beery! Wrestling picture! Whaddya need, a road map?” ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2000, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/18 "2000-01-19T01:44:00Z")
Too bad Clark Gable is dead. Tuck his ears in, put some glasses on the guy and --BAM! A dead ringer for guess who? * * * “Show me a sane man, and I will cure him for you.”----Jung ---
**Author:** ![WallyM7](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/b5e925/32.png) [@WallyM7](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WallyM7)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2000, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/19 "2000-01-19T01:56:00Z")
I think Michael Cain would be able to deliver a credible performance of WallyM7. Wonder if he’s available? ---
**Author:** ![neuro-trash\_grrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3ab097/32.png) [@neuro-trash\_grrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/neuro-trash_grrrl)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2000, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/20 "2000-01-19T02:00:00Z")
I would be portrayed (if not as one of Mullinator’s amazon love goddesses) as one of Cecil’s cyborg minions who makes a last-ditch effort to stop the comet (and fails miserably, of course). But not before a steamy love scene (probably with Whoopi Goldberg as the PurpleCrackWhore). I would be played by Helena Bonham-Carter, since everybody says I look like her (I still don’t see it). My love scene would be cut by order of the MPAA, and most of the rest of my scene would be cut because of timing restrictions until my only line is “Here it comes-AAAAAAAGH!” They’d misspell my name in the closing credits. Bloody Hollywood. Hmmph! * * * An infinite number of rednecks in an infinite number of pickup trucks shooting an infinite number of shotguns at an infinite number of road signs will eventually produce all the world’s great works of literature in Braille. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941.md?page=2)