# Straight Dope, THE MOVIE! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 18, 2000, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941 "2000-01-18T17:11:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![John\_Corrado](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a88e4f/32.png) [@John\_Corrado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Corrado)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2000, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/21 "2000-01-19T02:18:00Z")
I’d like to think I’d be played by a young Tim Conway (with muttonchops) as the klutzy, confused, but endearing sidekick to, well, somebody. Anyone need a comic relief sidekick? In all likelihood, though, I’d be a background extra who perks up once when his name is mentioned, never to be heard from or spoken of again. * * * JMCJ This could be YOUR sig line! For just five cents a post, JMCJ Enterprises will place YOUR sig line at the bottom of each message! ---
**Author:** ![Alphagene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Alphagene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alphagene)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2000, 2:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/22 "2000-01-19T02:55:00Z")
After the ensuing apocalypse, Alphagene has mantained an iron fisted grip over the partial anarchy of what was once known as downtown Manhattan. With an army of disgruntled former graduate students and bitter lesbian ex-girlfriends, Alpha the Horrible and his Funky Legion of Badness would lay waste to all who dared opposed him. I will of course be sporting an eye-catching postapocalyptic _ensemble_ from the Road Warrior Collection of Adelaide. Football shoulder pads, biker boots, torn jeans, and a battle-worn lab coat splattered with the blood of the those who gratuitously compose posts in really large fonts. I will be playing myself, natch. * * * We gladly devour those who would subdue us. ---
**Author:** ![timmar68](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/97f17d/32.png) [@timmar68](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/timmar68)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2000, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/23 "2000-01-19T04:12:00Z")
It would be my job to take care of everybody’s appearance. There would be no barber shops/salons left on earth so it would be up to me to save the world from bad hair. Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No, it’s Coifwoman! Heh…that’s funny when your sleeping pill kicks in (like mine is doing now!) * * * MaryAnn I’m sorry you didn’t win, mom, but I’ll give you a constellation prize! -Greg ---
**Author:** ![SanibelMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e4f/32.png) [@SanibelMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanibelMan)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2000, 4:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/24 "2000-01-19T04:18:00Z")
Just before the comet devistates New York City, I will be sitting on a park bench in Battery Park when quite suddenly I will realize what it is that hs been going wrong all this time, and I’ll finally know how to make the world a good and happy place. This time, it’ll be right, it will work, and no one will have to get nailed to anything. Unfortunately, before I can find a payphone to tell anyone about it, the comet hits and the secret is lost forever. * * * _ **SanibelMan** _ - [My Homepage](http://members.macconnect.com/~jonkleinow/) “Step away from the bell curve, sir.” ---
**Author:** ![PurpleCrackwhore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/9fc348/32.png) [@PurpleCrackwhore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PurpleCrackwhore)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2000, 4:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/25 "2000-01-19T04:57:00Z")
Oh Yeah! definitely a hot steamy love scene with Neuro-trash Grrrl… but Whoopie has got to wear that sexy sequence number that she wore in “Jumpin Jack Flash”. Ya know the one that got caught in the shredder! * * * I really try to be good but it just isn’t in my nature! ---
**Author:** ![elelle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f0a364/32.png) [@elelle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elelle)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2000, 4:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/26 "2000-01-19T04:59:00Z")
Of course, it’ll get all messed up and Julia Roberts’ll play Eve, but the box office draw will go waaaayyy up and then Eve will get her rightful cut. Nick Cage as Satan is perfect. Jim Carrey will cream hisself for the challenging Wally role. The “Oklahoma” audition tape will become legendary. Christopher Walken can play David B. ChiefScott’s just got to play a prominent heroic role. Byz can twirl all dissenting idiots, and basically head em off at the pass. Neuro & her cat supply the crux of the biskit cliff-hanging turnaround. UncleBeer, is of course The Narrator. elelle, well, she just rides with Slim Pickens on the tail of the comet… ---
**Author:** ![AuraSeer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c2a13f/32.png) [@AuraSeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AuraSeer)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2000, 7:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/27 "2000-01-19T07:02:00Z")
Alphagene wrote: > [@](#): > > I will be playing myself, natch. I read that sentence four times before I realized the word “with” did not appear anywhere in it. ---
**Author:** ![Omniscient](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omniscient/32/3290_2.png) [@Omniscient](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omniscient)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2000, 7:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/28 "2000-01-19T07:09:00Z")
Actually, I picked Christopher Walken for C#3/Krispy Original… ---
**Author:** ![ChrisCTP](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e36b37/32.png) [@ChrisCTP](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChrisCTP)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2000, 7:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/29 "2000-01-19T07:18:00Z")
The part of ChrisCTP will be played by Janeane Garofalo, due largely to the fact that ChrisCTP is (seemingly) the only person on earth who knows how to correctly spell “Janeane Garofalo”. * * * “…being normal is not necessarily a virtue. It rather denotes a lack of courage.” ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2000, 6:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/30 "2000-01-20T06:28:00Z")
I would be played by Seth Green, which would be further proof that he doesn’t get the high-profile roles that he should. My character would basically show up every few scenes, make the odd amusing comment, and play no instrumental part whatever in the advancement of the plot. * * * ## (to borrow a sig)The Poster Formerly Unknown as Rodimus “Are you frightened of snakes?” “Only when they dress like werewolves.” -Preacher ---
**Author:** ![Frankie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/258eb7/32.png) [@Frankie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frankie)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2000, 6:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/31 "2000-01-20T06:40:00Z")
Can I get marky mark?? I don’t have a third nipple or a really buff bod…but did anyone see him in “Boogie Nights”? We do have some resemblance! * * * -Frankie Lack of charisma can be fatal ---
**Author:** ![David\_B](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/51bf81/32.png) [@David\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/David_B)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2000, 6:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/32 "2000-01-20T06:47:00Z")
I will either be played by Robert Redford (per somebody’s suggestion long ago around here) or a computer-generated image that doesn’t act anything like Jar-Jar. ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2000, 6:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/33 "2000-01-20T06:54:00Z")
Oooh! OOOOOOOH! Here’s another role I want! Cecil and Little Ed and TubaDiva have been tied up by the bad guys and left in a locked room that is slowly filling up with water. Suddenly the door flies open! I enter, and swiftly cut through their bonds! They stand, rubbing their chafed wrists and ankles, and say, “Thank you for your help, mister…and who might you be?” And I say, “I don’t know…it’s as if I’d been created for this very purpose.” * * * Uke ---
**Author:** ![BunnyGirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@BunnyGirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BunnyGirl)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2000, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/34 "2000-01-19T19:02:00Z")
I’d like Drew Barrymore to play my part; specifically, her type of character in _Never Been Kissed_. Nice, goofy, gal who smiles alot but doesn’t quite get the “cool” stuff. I volunteer to be comic relief! ---
**Author:** ![Gazelle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Gazelle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gazelle)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2000, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/35 "2000-01-19T19:02:00Z")
**Rosie O’Donnell** would need to lose a few pounds (sadly, not too many), but she’d play me. You’ll recognize me. I’ll be that hammy chick. ---
**Author:** ![Demo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/demo/32/8472_2.png) [@Demo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Demo)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2000, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/36 "2000-01-19T19:20:00Z")
The part of Democritus will be played by…? As the meteor approaches, a sentence flashes across my computer terminal: Wake up Demo, follow the white rabbit. After taking the _blue_ pill, I will proceed to convince everyone that this is all just a mass hallucination cuased by Cecil, who is really programmed AI. * * * “It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.” ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2000, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/37 "2000-01-19T19:34:00Z")
I’m tired of being the Grace Kelly/Audrey Hepburn ice princess. May I please be the wise-cracking dame, as played by Joan Blondell or Eve Arden? Ike can be the nightclub owner or the jazz player with whom I trade quips and wisecracks. Mel can be the Innocent Girl from the Country we take under our care. And Alpha is the twitchy drug pusher—oh, OK, the mad scientist, though that’s taking us into a whole new genre. ---
**Author:** ![SaxFace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@SaxFace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SaxFace)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2000, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/38 "2000-01-19T19:44:00Z")
GIRL FROM THE COUNTRY??? Eiw, that is repulsive, Eve! I am far too cosmopolitan for braided piggytails and Mary Janes. Please let me be the orphaned hard ass who has lived on the streets for the last decade and eats live roaches etc. Then Uke can be my saxophone mentor and you can teach me how to be a lady. Hm, I guess movies can imitate life. * * * Formerly unknown as “Melanie” ---
**Author:** ![Gilligan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Gilligan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gilligan)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2000, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/39 "2000-01-19T23:57:00Z")
I could be played by Bob Denver. ---
**Author:** ![Dark\_Wing\_Duck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f0a364/32.png) [@Dark\_Wing\_Duck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dark_Wing_Duck)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2000, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941/40 "2000-01-20T00:49:00Z")
I will play myself in the part of the hero’s sidekick who completely disappears after the first 10 minutes of the movie, only to show up again right before the disaster for no apparent reason - like Fibonacci or whatever the hell his name was in Titanic. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/12941.md?page=3)