# Straight Dope--The Movie. **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [August 25, 2003, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/197528 "2003-08-25T15:04:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![moejuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/57b2e6/32.png) [@moejuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/moejuck)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/197528/1 "2003-08-25T15:04:38Z")
We have been contracted to start the filming of what is sure to be one of the greatest eoics of all time, “Straight Dope”. We need to make a few vital decisions. 1. Who will Direct? 2. Who will Produce? 3. Who will play the part of Cecil? 4. Who will play the parts of the mods? 5. What will the setting be? 6. What will the storyline be? I was thinking of some sort of SciFi Adventure in which Cecil and his rag-tag group of followers (mods) search the universe destroying all ignorant people with thier 1920’s style death rays. Cecil would be played by Arnold, of course, and the mods would be a bunch of two bit actors and actresses. Suggestions? ---
**Author:** ![Tusculan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecd19e/32.png) [@Tusculan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tusculan)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/197528/2 "2003-08-25T15:23:51Z")
I nominate Rutger Hauer for the part of **Coldfire**. **Manhattan** could be the retired mod, peacefully tending his roses, who gets called back to go all bad-ass on the dirty \*\*\*'s. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/197528/3 "2003-08-25T16:09:23Z")
Directed by **Cecil** B. DeMille, of course ---
**Author:** ![KGS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/90ced4/32.png) [@KGS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KGS)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/197528/4 "2003-08-25T16:38:42Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by moejuck \* > \*\*Cecil would be played by Arnold, of course, and the mods would be a bunch of two bit actors and actresses. \*\* Cecil’s running for governor of California? When did this happen? There’s so many names on the ballot, I can’t keep them all straight… ---
**Author:** ![Horseflesh](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horseflesh/32/7502_2.png) [@Horseflesh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horseflesh)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/197528/5 "2003-08-25T16:50:56Z")
**Ed Zotti** plays **Cecil Adams** of course. I think it should be a rollicking adventure hopping around the galaxy a la _Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy_. ---
**Author:** ![DMark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@DMark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DMark)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/197528/6 "2003-08-25T17:22:25Z")
Eugene Levy in the role of Cecil. Directed by John Waters. Produced by Mel Brooks. Mods will be played by the now un-employed Orcs in LOTR. The setting is Washington D.C. The White House Plot: “Fighting ignorance in the belly of the evil dumb.” ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/197528/7 "2003-08-25T18:02:47Z")
I think we should get Johnny Depp to play Cecil. The plot: -The Great Cecil Adams, in his starship, the _Fighting Ignorance_, gallavant around the cosmos in search of the elusive Artifact of the Ancients, the Gem of Wonders, which will bestow brilliance and intelligence on every being in the universe. Standing in their way, however, is the evil Emperor Bo Diddly and his tyrannical, gun-banning Imperium. In his new spiffy superweapon space station, the _Toothpaster_, Emperor Bo Diddly is trying to hunt down all the insurgents to his reign, and seek out the Gem of Wonders himself, so that he may harness its mystical powers for his own gain, keeping his subjects ignorant and easy to control and manipulate. To solve the trouble, Cecil has to go find Manhattan, a now-retired mod, played by Clint Eastwood. Manny’s strong-arm tactics are precisely what is needed to solve the crisis; he recruits a young Coldfire (played by Edward Norton), and trains him in the ways of the Mod. After spending fifteen minutes breezing through a lifetime of training, Coldfire hops into his phallus-shaped starfighter, dubbed the _Clogcock_, and single-handedly takes down the entire armada of the Imperium. Finally, in the mystical chamber of Wonder, Emperor Bo Diddly and Cecil Adams face each other in a daring clash, fighting with their powerful spitesabers. Finally, Emperor Bo Diddly makes the climactic revelation: “Cecil… I am your father… AND your brother!” The two redneck hicks then down a quart of moonshine and play their banjos all day long, and live happily ever after. ---
**Author:** ![moriah](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b2d939/32.png) [@moriah](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/moriah)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/197528/8 "2003-08-25T18:44:06Z")
I don’t think anyone is up to the task of playing Cecil. He should be an off-screen presence like Charlie of Charlie’s Angels. Maybe we can get Ed to do the voice. ---
**Author:** ![Super\_Gnat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@Super\_Gnat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Super_Gnat)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/197528/9 "2003-08-25T18:55:19Z")
Straight Dope The Movie: Attack of the Trolls Act 1 Scene 1: **xash** is promoted from Moduwan to full Moderator. He is knighted with the Ban Stick[sup]TM[/sup] and given his very own Mod Hat[sup]TM[/sup]. Celebration ensues. Scene 2: **manhattan** turns over his Mod Hat[sup]TM[/sup] and Ban Stick[sup]TM[/sup] to **Lynn Bodoni**. **manhattan** (sadly): _I just can’t be the f’ing hall monitor any more. You know how it is._ **Lynn** is saddened, but understands. Scene 3: At the Lair of the Trolls (cleverly disguised as the One-Trick-Pony Chowder and Marching Society). The trolls are all upset because they’ve been banned. However, then **Justhink** rushes in excitedly. After trying to decipher his confused ramblings, they eventually descend into a game of charades to try to figure it out, with hilarious results. However, they eventually get the message. **manhattan** has retired – this could be their chance! **MSerlin** opens a door to reveal thousands of bored and immature teenagers, out of school for the summer. He suggests that they be the ones to spam the board with bad grammer and stupid, trollish ideas. The rest of the Society immediately agrees to his plan, except for **Jack Dean Tyler** , who is concerned about the foreskins of the teenagers. Act 2 Scene 1: We open with a composite of scenes wherein **xash** proves his capabilities as a moderator (moving threads, warning people, etc. All of these tasks are done with DBZ-like moves, naturally.) The only fly in his pudding is the fact that he just hasn’t been Pitted yet. Why, no one’s even called him a Nazi! In a poignant monologue, he compares his paltry showing to that of **Coldfire** and **Gaudere**. **John Corrado** cheers him up however, by noting that not all mods are cut out to be jack-booted Nazis. With a renewed sense of purpose, **xash** continues in his duties. Scene 2: **manhattan** attempts to adjust to civilian life, with hilarious results. Scene 3: The Administrators are gathered in **Ed Zotti** ’s office looking over the latest figures. There seems to be a spike in trolling, greater than that normal for the summertime. As they are puzzling over this information, a telegram comes in. The nefarious OTPCAMS has declared that _they_ are behind the surge in trolling, and they won’t stop unless they all get their posting privileges reinstated. All the Admins are horrified. **Tubadiva** : _So what do we do now?_ What happens in Act 3? Will **xash** save the day? Will he need help from **manhattan**? Or will both of them need help from a higher power? ---
**Author:** ![rjung](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/45deac/32.png) [@rjung](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rjung)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/197528/10 "2003-08-25T19:15:46Z")
I vote for a crime-fighting action movie, like **The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen,** except done better. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Tusculan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecd19e/32.png) [@Tusculan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tusculan)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/197528/11 "2003-08-25T20:08:47Z")
I like both **SPOOFE** ’s and **SuperGnat** ’s plot outlines very much. Actually **SPOOFE** ’s looks like an action movie, while **SuperGnat** ’s sounds like it would work well as a musical. Act 1, Scene 2: ballad duet between **manhattan** and **Lynn Bodoni** : _I just can’t be the f’ing hall monitor any more_. Act 2, Scene 1: _(We can’t all be) Nazi jack-booted thugs_. Act 2, Scene 3: **TubaDiva** solo: _So what do we do now?_ ---
**Author:** ![hebesphenomegacorona](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b9e5f3/32.png) [@hebesphenomegacorona](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hebesphenomegacorona)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/197528/12 "2003-08-25T23:04:16Z")
Souldn’t one of the lead villians be Jack Chick/Phelps/Other random Psychotic fundie Christian Asshole? ---
**Author:** ![Super\_Gnat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@Super\_Gnat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Super_Gnat)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2003, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/197528/13 "2003-08-25T23:34:12Z")
Ooh, a musical, that would be nice! I don’t think I could write song lyrics, though. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2003, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/197528/14 "2003-08-26T00:35:50Z")
Sounds like a Ghostbusters knock off, to me. **David B** : Imagine this twinkie represents the normal level of trolling and sock-puppetry on the SDMB… ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2003, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/197528/15 "2003-08-26T01:37:18Z")
We need 1920’s style death rays! Gotta have 'em. Someone also needs wander through the film at random intervals and say, “Hi Opal!” and we need to have a “Gotcha ya!” type ending for the thing, doncha think? ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2003, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/197528/16 "2003-08-26T02:03:54Z")
At least one scene needs to take place at a pie shop. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2003, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/197528/17 "2003-08-26T02:12:48Z")
We have to put the cast together. CECIL ADAMS… The Voice of James Earl Jones ED ZOTTI… Morgan Freeman (I know, he doesn’t look like Ed) MANHATTAN… Kevin Spacey COLDFIRE… Rutger Hauer LYNN BODONI… Sharon Stone MEBUCKNER… George Clooney DECEMBER… Arnold Schwartzenegger COLLOUNSBURY… Denis Leary JACK DEAN TYLER… Crispin Glover SPOOFE… Hayden Christiansen ANTHRACITE… Lucy Liu ESPRIX… David Hyde Pierce I must of course cast myself: RICKJAY… Oliver Platt Any others? ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2003, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/197528/18 "2003-08-26T02:39:49Z")
NOCLUEBOY (that’s me!) will be played by Steve Martin. The flashback scenes of my childhood will be played by Gary Coleman. ---
**Author:** ![detop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bcef8e/32.png) [@detop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/detop)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2003, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/197528/19 "2003-08-26T03:22:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by RickJay \* > \*\*We have to put the cast together. > > CECIL ADAMS… The Voice of James Earl Jones > ED ZOTTI… Morgan Freeman (I know, he doesn’t look like Ed) > MANHATTAN… Kevin Spacey > COLDFIRE… Rutger Hauer > LYNN BODONI… Sharon Stone > MEBUCKNER… George Clooney > DECEMBER… Arnold Schwartzenegger > COLLOUNSBURY… Denis Leary > JACK DEAN TYLER… Crispin Glover > SPOOFE… Hayden Christiansen > ANTHRACITE… Lucy Liu > ESPRIX… David Hyde Pierce > > I must of course cast myself: > > RICKJAY… Oliver Platt > > Any others? \*\* TUBADIVA… Julianne Moore JDAVIS… Dan Aykroyd EUTYCHUS… Christian Slater UKULELE IKE… Samuel Jackson ---
**Author:** ![Juniper200](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@Juniper200](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Juniper200)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2003, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/197528/20 "2003-08-26T03:34:12Z")
> [@](#): > > _UKULELE IKE… Samuel Jackson_ Having met Uke, I can tell you that this is **inspired** casting. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-dope-the-movie/197528.md?page=2)