# Straight married men: did you ask your wife's father for her hand in marriage? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 12, 2014, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478 "2014-11-12T21:43:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 4:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/41 "2014-11-13T04:14:09Z")
Yes I did. Yes we are traditional. Yes we are still married after 18 years. Now her free spirited sister divorced after 10. ---
**Author:** ![squeegee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/squeegee/32/14537_2.png) [@squeegee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/squeegee)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 4:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/42 "2014-11-13T04:31:12Z")
Her father was deceased, so no. I didn’t think her stepfather got a vote – she agreed with this assessment – so, no. And we’re quite traditional, and her stepfather walked her down the aisle. And it lasted 25 years, but now we’re done and not married this year. ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/43 "2014-11-13T04:35:30Z")
My husband told my parents he was going to propose, but he didn’t ask permission. In my parents’ eyes I was an old maid by that point so they were probably like please take her thanks so much. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/44 "2014-11-13T04:39:00Z")
It was expected in Thai and Chinese tradition. (The wife is Thai but ethnically Chinese. Her mother was even a Chinese Chinese, and neither parent could speak Thai very well.) I had to ask her father _and_ her brother. But this was a mere formality. We were both in our 30s, and the future Mrs. Siam Sam said no worries, if by some chance they said no, we’d get married anyway. But the yes answer was a foregone conclusion. ---
**Author:** ![madmonk28](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/madmonk28/32/20811_2.png) [@madmonk28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madmonk28)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 6:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/45 "2014-11-13T06:03:59Z")
No, in fact we told them after the fact. We had lived together for many years and got married so she could be on my health insurance. For those of you who did ask, if the father had said no, would you not have gotten married? ---
**Author:** ![Giles](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giles/32/60_2.png) [@Giles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giles)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 6:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/46 "2014-11-13T06:14:55Z")
My FIL died before my wife was born, so she never met him, let alone me. I never asked my MIL, but I got a strong sense that she approved anyway. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 6:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/47 "2014-11-13T06:25:22Z")
Damn right and I offered eight cows. She didn’t know about it, and he came back that she wanted nothing to do with me, but for three more cows and a tractor, he’d sell her anyway. No. Of course not, either time. My first wife was Japanese and I had lived with them before we had decided to get married. My current wife is Taiwanese, but she’s really independent. ---
**Author:** ![bizzwire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/958977/32.png) [@bizzwire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bizzwire)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 6:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/48 "2014-11-13T06:27:16Z")
I did. Gave him 50 shekels, too. True story. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 6:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/49 "2014-11-13T06:31:20Z")
My father asked Mom, she said yes, then a few days later the two families got together for the traditional exchange of engagement gifts. That exchange was called _la petición de mano_ (asking for the hand) but the hand and attached bits had already been granted by the actual owner. Bro and his bride-to-be told us they’d set the date, they told her family first simply because they saw them first. Both fathers had the same reaction, as the day they’d picked has historical and political signifcance and, let’s just say it’s not a popular day, both mothers declared they were too young despite being older than any of their parents had been in their own weddings. Assorted siblings said “congratulations”. ---
**Author:** ![RiCu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e19adc/32.png) [@RiCu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RiCu)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 8:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/50 "2014-11-13T08:59:45Z")
I did, but begrudgingly. I really don’t like tradition, especially seemingly backwards ones like this, but I knew it was important for my other half and seeing as this was the one and only time she’d be proposed to (hopefully), I wanted it to be as close to perfect for her as I could. If he’d have said no, we would’ve done it anyway. ---
**Author:** ![MrDibble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mrdibble/32/114_2.png) [@MrDibble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrDibble)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 11:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/51 "2014-11-13T11:04:11Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > I am not going to apologize for asking the question only of persons in hetero marriages. What about the bi men married to women? Anyway, I didn’t ask, because fuck that paternalistic Bronze Age women-as-property shit. My wife also kept her original surname, which was reasonably unusual here at the time. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 12:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/52 "2014-11-13T12:34:56Z")
I first proposed to **kaylasmom** in March of 1979. Although she turned me down that time, periodic proposals ensued, and we became officially engaged on December 31st, 1982. Our wedding took place on November 26 1983. On November 23rd, 1983, I asked for her father’s blessing. He and I were both completely clear at the time that this was a pro-forma, get-this-item-ticked-off-the-list ritual. ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 12:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/53 "2014-11-13T12:38:29Z")
No, never considered it. We had already discussed it and had even bought the ring already before I proposed, so it was a done deal. ---
**Author:** ![BobLibDem](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boblibdem/32/3149_2.png) [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 12:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/54 "2014-11-13T12:43:47Z")
No. It’s a silly tradition that degrades women. She was not her father’s property and did not need his permission to marry. He was a swell guy and we got along great, but I never saw the need for him to be involved in her decision. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 1:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/55 "2014-11-13T13:11:09Z")
No. My ex had been estranged from her father for years. We were not kids. She already had a child and had been living on her own since she was a teenager. We were going out for 5 years before we got married. She was pregnant when we got married. Any one of those things would have made it feel silly. Not going to happen with my current girlfriend. Her father is dead. We live together. I’m pushing 50, she is pushing 40. It’s a silly tradition anyway. I do know a couple of women who were very happy to have their husband ask their father. It seems like they like the fact that it shows he upholds traditions and is respectful. To each his own I guess. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/56 "2014-11-13T13:23:56Z")
Good lord, no. Her dad was enough of an asshole to say “no”, just to be contrary. If she found out I had asked him, she would have kicked me to the curb. Hmm… _adds to Time Machine list_ ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 1:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/57 "2014-11-13T13:28:37Z")
Nope. Proposed in 1980, when we were both 22. We were living together, 800 miles away from our respective folks. ---
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 1:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/58 "2014-11-13T13:35:57Z")
No, my wife and I were in our mid-30s when we got engaged, and it was the second marriage for both of us. If I had done so, I have to imagine her dad, being the smart-ass he is, would have asked when he got his daughter’s hand back, maybe patting down his own pockets for effect. “Sorry OneCent, I think I already gave it away.” ---
**Author:** ![Slash1972](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slash1972/32/6461_2.png) [@Slash1972](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slash1972)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/59 "2014-11-13T13:52:38Z")
I asked my ex-wife’s father. But I had to memorize the statement I was to say/ask in Korean, so I’m not really sure what I said 🙂 Even better, I then got to watch her father, who always seemed so mean and scary to me, break down and start crying, so even more fun! To add on, I’m not getting why all the hate against asking the brides father? I have a daughter, and I would hope her future husband would at least give me a “hey, gonna marry your daughter, you cool with that?” or something to that effect. ---
**Author:** ![Gus\_Gusterson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/85f322/32.png) [@Gus\_Gusterson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gus_Gusterson)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/60 "2014-11-13T14:08:19Z")
I didn’t, for three reasons: 1. It wasn’t his decision to make. 2. I knew that he would be happy that I asked her but, even if he wasn’t, see #1. 3. He would not have been able to keep it secret for a second. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478.md?page=4)