# Straight married men: did you ask your wife's father for her hand in marriage? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 12, 2014, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478 "2014-11-12T21:43:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/81 "2014-11-13T17:53:58Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > Sure, which is why when you say, on this board, that asking a father’s permission is peachy because “Many daughters have very strong relationships with their fathers,” you shouldn’t be surprised at getting some pushback. > > Having a strong relationship with your father is no reason to cede power to your father over your romantic choices. Having a strong relationship with your father is not a reason to ask permission. I had a strong relationship with my father. His permission was immaterial. Good for you. ---
**Author:** ![Jophiel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jophiel/32/66_2.png) [@Jophiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jophiel)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/82 "2014-11-13T18:00:04Z")
I spoke to my wife’s mother about it as her parents are separated. My wife wanted me to since it would have been expected in her culture and she wanted her parents kept happy. It was less “permission” than “Hey, I plan on asking your daughter to marry me at some point so heads up” with a response along the lines of “Well, you’re living with her so you’d better.” ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/83 "2014-11-13T18:05:50Z")
> [@SaharaTea](#): > > As I mentioned in my post upthread, my husband asked my father’s blessing, not his permission. We would have gotten married regardless of what he said. I did not view it as “ceding power” to him in any way, it was merely a gesture of respect. And it is certainly not required if you don’t agree with it. The implication of the comment I was responding to was that women who are close with their fathers would have their chose mates ask for permission. And yes, asking permission is ceding power to refuse permission. I didn’t say anything about blessings. Blessings are not permission (though they are a still often pretty sexist). ---
**Author:** ![SaharaTea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SaharaTea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SaharaTea)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/84 "2014-11-13T18:08:44Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > The implication of the comment I was responding to was that women who are close with their fathers would have their chose mates ask for permission. And yes, asking permission is ceding power to refuse permission. > > I didn’t say anything about blessings. Blessings are not permission (though they are a still often pretty sexist). To each his/her own. I kept my maiden name when I got married. I believe the practice of taking your husband’s name is a lot more backwards and antiquated than asking for a father’s blessing. But I also recognize that many women feel differently, and I respect that. ---
**Author:** ![Wednesday\_Evening](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/b2d939/32.png) [@Wednesday\_Evening](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wednesday_Evening)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/85 "2014-11-13T18:16:01Z")
No, he didn’t. The engagement and wedding was between us and there was no reason to involve my father. We paid for the wedding ourselves for basically the same principle. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/86 "2014-11-13T18:19:08Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > The implication of the comment I was responding to was that women who are close with their fathers would have their chose mates ask for permission. And yes, asking permission is ceding power to refuse permission. > > I didn’t say anything about blessings. Blessings are not permission (though they are a still often pretty sexist). You assume that everyone is like you are should be like you. And your judgment that they are not enlightened if they aren’t is kind of intolerant. There are people that have differing opinions than you, and that’s okay. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/87 "2014-11-13T18:22:27Z")
> [@shiftless](#): > > Hell no. She said yes when I asked, that is all I needed. I did ask her son if he was OK with it though, since we would all be a family. Her parents, my parents, the whole damned neighborhood can either like my marriage or they can lump it. > > Is this custom is romantic to some women? The very idea of checking anything with someone else, including her family, before I ask my partner for life is just backwards. Honestly, it’s only one of very many ridiculous traditions around marriage that some, but not all, people find romantic. From the price of an engagement ring all the way to the decoration of the “getaway” car (three months later and I still can’t get all the shoe polish off my windows…hearts pop up when it rains) there are dozens of traditions that are of supreme importance to some, no importance to others, and downright disgusting and offensive to others (cake face smearing was Not Going To Happen at my wedding, and it didn’t.) Know your audience and communicate…kind of like, well, married life. ---
**Author:** ![Hermitian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hermitian/32/470_2.png) [@Hermitian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hermitian)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/88 "2014-11-13T18:33:16Z")
I requested the blessings from my wife’s Father and Mother (together) before I proposed to her. She is glad I did. ---
**Author:** ![Slash1972](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slash1972/32/6461_2.png) [@Slash1972](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slash1972)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/89 "2014-11-13T18:36:13Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > Why the father and not the parents or just the mother? The paternalism is embedded in the tradition. And why only the daughter’s father? The sexism is also deeply entrenched, even if you no longer believe a woman is her father’s property until she is her husband’s property. Why doesn’t the woman ask her futures husband’s father for permission? > > If it’s a tradition that works for you and your future wife that’s great, but to me it smacks of everything that was used to keep women from entering into society fully, including in professional fields I now work in. As a matter of fact, it was her mother and father, but her mother already knew. I wouldn’t consider it as “father’s property” just something I would like to know. Doesn’t have to be before he actually asked her. > [@Nava](#): > > Would you think it’s cool to consult it with you before consulting it with her, which is what the tradition actually calls for? Because in my book it tops the list for “male cluelessness”, side by side with men starting a proposal with “I know you’ve never thought of this”. Well, the tradition I was following was not “before consulting it with her.” What do you know, different people have different traditions…:rolleyes: > [@Omar\_Little](#): > > You assume that everyone is like you are should be like you. And your judgment that they are not enlightened if they aren’t is kind of intolerant. There are people that have differing opinions than you, and that’s okay. I agree with this. By the way some comments were going, if you even THOUGHT about asking your future bride’s father, you weren’t even worthy TO marry anymore, or that you are a sexist, woman-holding-down, pig. That is the hate I was responding too. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/90 "2014-11-13T18:41:14Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > You assume that everyone is like you are should be like you. It’s true that I think that if you are getting married, you should be an adult woman, and adult women don’t need a man’s permission to do things. ---
**Author:** ![shiftless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9c0ed/32.png) [@shiftless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shiftless)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/91 "2014-11-13T18:48:22Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > …(cake face smearing was Not Going To Happen at my wedding, and it didn’t.) Know your audience and communicate…kind of like, well, married life. Shoving cake in your new spouse’s face…another great tradition! Never going to happen at my wedding either. You would have thought we’d brought shame on every marriage from the moans and groans when I refuse to do it. We skipped the part with the garter too. And the money dance. And the bachelor party strippers. I’m so boring. ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/92 "2014-11-13T18:53:18Z")
I asked for his blessing (not his permission). For what it’s worth, I also asked my parents for their blessing. Not getting it wouldn’t have changed my mind, but it felt nice to have explicit family support the marriage. And my wife indicate that her father would appreciate the gesture. ---
**Author:** ![Slash1972](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slash1972/32/6461_2.png) [@Slash1972](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slash1972)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/93 "2014-11-13T18:53:32Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > It’s true that I think that if you are getting married, you should be an adult woman, and adult women don’t need a man’s permission to do things. Even if I believed that you believe that, asking for a blessing or permission or whatever is not giving the woman her father’s permission to get married. I was doing it for ME to get his blessing/permission to marry his daughter. Not the same thing at all. ---
**Author:** ![raspberry\_hunter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@raspberry\_hunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raspberry_hunter)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/94 "2014-11-13T18:56:58Z")
Heh. I actually asked my husband to marry me (he was planning to ask but took too long). Afterwards, we called both sets of parents and said we hoped we could have their blessing. (Implicit was the assumption that whether or not they gave their blessing we were going to go through with it.) ETA: I called his parents and he called mine. This actually led to a misunderstanding, funny in retrospect, when he had to leave a voice mail to call him back, and my parents were really worried that I was in trouble because why would he be calling them instead of me? My sister’s boyfriend (now husband) asked our dad’s _permission_. My parents didn’t give it! (Well, they said that it was a very quick engagement and asked them to wait a little while.) They got married anyway. My parents held a grudge about this for a while, but have finally gotten over it. I get that some people think of asking the father’s permission as this traditional and romantic sort of thing, but one thing to keep in mind is… what are your chances that he will say no? ---
**Author:** ![Airk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9de053/32.png) [@Airk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Airk)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/95 "2014-11-13T18:59:22Z")
Pfff. Hell no. He didn’t even get invited to the wedding. (Note: This isn’t because I at all dislike my father in law, but the whole process was rather impromptu, and he lives 11 time zones away.) ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Captor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/96 "2014-11-13T19:01:01Z")
No I did not ask for my wife’s hand in marriage. I wanted the whole thing. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/97 "2014-11-13T19:02:01Z")
> [@Slash1972](#): > > Even if I believed that you believe that, asking for a blessing or permission or whatever is not giving the woman her father’s permission to get married. I was doing it for ME to get his blessing/permission to marry his daughter. Not the same thing at all. So, she didn’t need his permission to get married, she just needed his permission to marry _you_? And blessing and permission are not the same thing. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/98 "2014-11-13T19:03:56Z")
> [@Evil\_Captor](#): > > No I did not ask for my wife’s hand in marriage. I wanted the whole thing. Reminds me of the classic Tom Lehrer song … [![]( " - YouTube") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vAVxW5uoQe8) ---
**Author:** ![Lowdown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@Lowdown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lowdown)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/99 "2014-11-13T20:06:18Z")
> [@shiftless](#): > > Shoving cake in your new spouse’s face…another great tradition! Never going to happen at my wedding either. You would have thought we’d brought shame on every marriage from the moans and groans when I refuse to do it. We had a bunch of pies instead of cake because pie is, you know, way better. My mother-in-law was tireless in her attempts to talk us out of it. > [@jsgoddess](#): > > It’s true that I think that if you are getting married, you should be an adult woman, and adult women don’t need a man’s permission to do things. I think you are misunderstanding the typical situation. It’s basically a, “This is happening. It’d be great if you got on board. Here’s your chance.” sort of thing. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2014, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478/100 "2014-11-13T20:14:10Z")
> [@Lowdown](#): > > I think you are misunderstanding the typical situation. It’s basically a, “This is happening. It’d be great if you got on board. Here’s your chance.” sort of thing. That falls into the “asking for a blessing” category. I’m talking about the “asking for permission” category. The “blessing” category is still often based on the sexes of the individuals, so it’s often still sexist. But the “permission” category is much worse. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-married-men-did-you-ask-your-wifes-father-for-her-hand-in-marriage/704478.md?page=6)