# Straight women: have you ever had relationship problems with men threatened by your competence? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 25, 2014, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-have-you-ever-had-relationship-problems-with-men-threatened-by-your-competence/684530 "2014-03-25T16:05:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2014, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-have-you-ever-had-relationship-problems-with-men-threatened-by-your-competence/684530/41 "2014-03-27T01:28:42Z")
My wife makes more money than I do and hires most of the tradesmen and other house fixing types. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest, but she says a lot of her friends in similar situations found out their men couldn’t deal. I don’t understand it at all. ---
**Author:** ![Hector\_St\_Clare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5ac83/32.png) [@Hector\_St\_Clare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hector_St_Clare)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2014, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-have-you-ever-had-relationship-problems-with-men-threatened-by-your-competence/684530/42 "2014-03-27T01:37:01Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > Sure, these relationships exist. But how long do they last before someone just can’t take the imbalance anymore? Doesn’t the novelty of an ego boost eventually give way to frustration and impatience? Why would it? That sort of relationship sounds pretty ideal to me. ---
**Author:** ![Hector\_St\_Clare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5ac83/32.png) [@Hector\_St\_Clare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hector_St_Clare)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2014, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-have-you-ever-had-relationship-problems-with-men-threatened-by-your-competence/684530/43 "2014-03-27T01:38:37Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > Not a problem in my marriage. In fact, I am _thrilled_ that my husband is good at some things traditionally in the female domain that I, despite my gender, have never been particularly good at. Ditto for my husband. > My feminine ego is not threatened by men being competent or even excelling at traditionally feminine skills. My husband and I are partners, we support each other and celebrate our strengths, whatever and wherever they might be. I don’t think you’re particularly typical. Not thst that makes you wrong- tastes differ and all. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Nylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/77aa72/32.png) [@Mr.Nylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Nylock)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2014, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-have-you-ever-had-relationship-problems-with-men-threatened-by-your-competence/684530/44 "2014-03-27T01:51:50Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Recently a troglodyte neighbor of mine was surprised and dismayed to learn that, in the Rhymer household, I do the cooking (or at least that cooking more complicated than "open package, cut slit in plastic, insert in microwave for 20 minutes) while my wife does the auto maintenance I can’t say I’ve ever had neighbors quite like that, the places I’ve lived that sort of thing would not have been out of the ordinary - except for maybe Virginia, but I got outta that state as quickly as I could and never looked back - not to say that all Virginians are like that or that I dislike Virginians - the culture was just not a good fit. Maybe a blue state would be more your speed perhaps. ---
**Author:** ![Askthepizzaguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askthepizzaguy/32/9405_2.png) [@Askthepizzaguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askthepizzaguy)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2014, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-have-you-ever-had-relationship-problems-with-men-threatened-by-your-competence/684530/45 "2014-03-27T02:32:17Z")
I am impressed by the things a woman knows and the skills she’s acquired. It is a fair indicator of intelligence- you’ll notice especially a lot of people who achieve great things in their lives typically have a wide range of interests and hobbies, talents, and skills. It’s unusual that someone becomes prodigious in only one area. Intellect is an incredible turn-on. This is a person that I can typically stay up into the wee hours of the morning holding a long, free flowing conversation bouncing from topic to topic, never running out of things to say or being interested to hear more. Most of the women I’ve dated have had formal education past high school, some were highly experienced and talented in the medical field, others were talented in music, singing, and other forms of artistry. Sharing things you know, keeping each other laughing, telling stories, those things keep relationships alive and thriving. Several of the women I’ve been with have had higher incomes than myself, and had skills sets I didn’t have. None of that bothered me, and if it bothered them, they didn’t let me know that. Each person brings something to the relationship. I tend to think of men who are threatened by a woman’s skills, talents, knowledge, or income as men who are only interested in keeping someone under their control. They want to have all the power, and thrive on dependency. That way they can have the final say in everything, manipulate, threaten, or just generally make her feel inferior so that she doesn’t think she can do any better. Such people are not worth anyone’s time. If a man is threatened by a woman’s competence, the woman should ditch him FAST. ---
**Author:** ![gracer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8e7dd6/32.png) [@gracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gracer)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2014, 8:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-have-you-ever-had-relationship-problems-with-men-threatened-by-your-competence/684530/46 "2014-03-27T08:57:17Z")
My SO is very proud and supportive of everything I can do, and will proudly tell other people about how good I am at DIY. It doesn’t stop him from mansplaining though (yeah I said it, because it’s the best description I know). He sucks at DIY, but he’ll still try to tell me how to do certain things. Sometimes even _after_ I’ve just done them! I think it’s not intentional at all, and he has no idea that there is a pattern to this. He really is proud of things I DIY. I think it’s just a cultural thing, men are socially conditioned to tell women how to do things. It’s quite difficult to make clear how inappropriate it is, because he isn’t really conscious of what he is doing and his intentions are good. I don’t think he feels threatened by my competence. He doesn’t _actually_ want to do any DIY, and he certainly doesn’t mind other things I’m better at. He just involuntarily mansplains. It’s ok, most other men are far worse about these things, IME. ---
**Author:** ![Jragon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e19b73/32.png) [@Jragon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jragon)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2014, 9:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-have-you-ever-had-relationship-problems-with-men-threatened-by-your-competence/684530/47 "2014-03-27T09:32:27Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > I don’t see how a relationship could last if there was a partner who was better at EVERYTHING. I would think that would get pretty old after awhile for both parties. I never was in a relationship with her, but I had this issue with a crush in high school. The more I thought about it after high school the more I figured out that dating her would have been horrible. She was just way too good at everything. Literally, and I mean literally every single thing I tried to do she did better. Every leadership position I auditioned for she tried for as well and got instead of me. Every scholarship I wanted she got. The only thing I had going for me was that I was probably better at trombone than she was, but she still got a higher chair than me (everyone else in the section thought it was politics because she was the drum major for the next year, but I don’t know). Maybe if I really looked hard I could find something she wasn’t actually better than me at, or that I got instead of her, but being unceasingly one-upped at everything important to me I tried out for was really obnoxious and disheartening and she was just my **friend**. Granted she’s the only person I know, female or male, who’s done that, so for all I know I’d have the same issues with a guy that perfect. Of course, now that I’m thinking about this again, she also tailored herself in a way to get herself some of those things. I don’t want to give the impression that she’s a bad person, she’s not, but I distinctly remember one time when we put together a group and did equal amounts of work setting it up (in fact, it was my idea originally), but she took the whole credit for starting it. I, of course, never contradicted her because I thought it would be mean to undercut her like that in front of everyone. I’ve always been more underplayed, I never liked drawing attention to myself for the things I did. A big difference between us was that if I, say, saw a trash can knocked over I’d clean it up. If she saw one that tumbled over, she’d pick it up and then tell everyone about how omg this trash can was knocked over and she had to pick all that trash up! So maybe the fact that her success bothered me so much was more that I didn’t see her as superior to me despite always getting the things I got just because she marketed herself better. (Of course, you have to market yourself, I don’t begrudge her for that). I don’t know, maybe I do have this problem or maybe I don’t, I don’t really have a big enough sample size to decide. I certainly never had a problem when my ex was way, way better than me at biology, or my former best friend (also female) was better than me at computer vision which is actually part of my field. ---
**Author:** ![kiz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7feea3/32.png) [@kiz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kiz)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2014, 12:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-have-you-ever-had-relationship-problems-with-men-threatened-by-your-competence/684530/48 "2014-03-27T12:18:20Z")
> [@jayrey](#): > > I have also found this to be true. The variant I have run across is that men like an independent, interesting woman – until she refuses to give up her independence and her interests to cater to them. Then she’s a selfish, cold bitch. THIS IN GREAT BIG NEON LETTERING. I had an ex like this. I won’t go into details, but one of the reasons why we broke up was because I called him out on this, and he didn’t take it very well. The fact that his family backed me and not him only added insult to injury 😃 Turns out that he really didn’t like women. I don’t mean that sexually because he was straight, but women, for him, were either sex objects or motherly types. There was nothing in between. And if you weren’t either, he had no use for you. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2014, 12:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-have-you-ever-had-relationship-problems-with-men-threatened-by-your-competence/684530/49 "2014-03-27T12:38:59Z")
> [@Hector\_St\_Clare](#): > > I don’t think you’re particularly typical. Not thst that makes you wrong- tastes differ and all. No, I don’t think we’re a typical couple. I wasn’t planning to marry, knowing I was an odd duck, but I found another odd duck to complement my oddness. It works well for us. ---
**Author:** ![KarlGrenze](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/dbc845/32.png) [@KarlGrenze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KarlGrenze)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2014, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-have-you-ever-had-relationship-problems-with-men-threatened-by-your-competence/684530/50 "2014-03-27T16:08:04Z")
> [@Hector\_St\_Clare](#): > > I don’t think you’re particularly typical. Not thst that makes you wrong- tastes differ and all. I’d say it may be more common than what you think. And I do find it weird that some want to be the breadwinner/higher status/smarter partner. Jobs change, life changes. You cannot really predict it. When my parents married, my mom was the breadwinner. 30 years later, my dad is and my mom is retired. But there were years where one was making more than the other. Same with my grandparents. My grandmother always made more money than my grandfather, and invested and saved it better than my grandpa. But, in part because of how much she worked and money she made, she was able to retire earlier than my grandfather. So yea, for some years my grandfather made more. And this was after being married before to another woman who was a housewife (so he was the only breadwinner). In my view, if you’re concerned about those things, it is more a competition than a partnership, and as someone else mentioned, that can hurt a relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Fotheringay-Phipps](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/d9b06d/32.png) [@Fotheringay-Phipps](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fotheringay-Phipps)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2014, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-have-you-ever-had-relationship-problems-with-men-threatened-by-your-competence/684530/51 "2014-03-27T17:34:45Z")
Just happened to notice from the NYT: [Social Gains for Women Linked to Domestic Violence](http://india.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/03/27/social-gains-for-women-linked-to-domestic-violence/?_php=true&_type=blogs&src=twr&_r=0) > [@](#): > > Abigail Weitzman, a doctoral candidate in sociology at New York University, wrote in her study that compared with women who do not work, women who are the only employed members of their households face more than twice the risk of frequent domestic violence and 1.51 times the risk of severe domestic violence, which includes beating, choking, burning or attack with a weapon. > > Women with more education than their husbands had 1.4 times the risk of domestic violence and 1.54 times the risk of frequent violence compared with women with less education than their husbands. (This is in India.) ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2014, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-have-you-ever-had-relationship-problems-with-men-threatened-by-your-competence/684530/52 "2014-03-27T19:12:49Z")
> [@Fotheringay-Phipps](#): > > Just happened to notice from the NYT: [Social Gains for Women Linked to Domestic Violence](http://india.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/03/27/social-gains-for-women-linked-to-domestic-violence/?_php=true&_type=blogs&src=twr&_r=0)(This is in India.) One should wonder, though, whether this observation is simply a function of violent men being less educated/employed than non-violent men, irrespective of a woman’s relative status in the home. ---
**Author:** ![Hector\_St\_Clare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5ac83/32.png) [@Hector\_St\_Clare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hector_St_Clare)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2014, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-have-you-ever-had-relationship-problems-with-men-threatened-by-your-competence/684530/53 "2014-03-27T22:38:30Z")
> [@Fotheringay-Phipps](#): > > Just happened to notice from the NYT: [Social Gains for Women Linked to Domestic Violence](http://india.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/03/27/social-gains-for-women-linked-to-domestic-violence/?_php=true&_type=blogs&src=twr&_r=0)(This is in India.) I suspect what’s going on here is that men with a certain set of personality traits (aggression, low impulse control, alcoholism) are both less likely to be employed and more likely to be violent. ---
**Author:** ![Ulfreida](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ulfreida/32/8014_2.png) [@Ulfreida](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ulfreida)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2014, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-have-you-ever-had-relationship-problems-with-men-threatened-by-your-competence/684530/54 "2014-03-28T02:27:39Z")
> [@Hector\_St\_Clare](#): > > I suspect what’s going on here is that men with a certain set of personality traits (aggression, low impulse control, alcoholism) are both less likely to be employed and more likely to be violent. I also suspect that what’s going on here has a lot to do with India. ---
**Author:** ![Hector\_St\_Clare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5ac83/32.png) [@Hector\_St\_Clare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hector_St_Clare)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2014, 4:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-have-you-ever-had-relationship-problems-with-men-threatened-by-your-competence/684530/55 "2014-03-28T04:19:13Z")
> [@Ulfreida](#): > > I also suspect that what’s going on here has a lot to do with India. Well, yes. I thought about adding something along those lines but decided not to. India is (especially the northern half, but the south is not exempt) a monumentally dysfunctional country for gender relations (probably has been ever since the Aryans introduced Hinduism), and probably isn’t a super great model for what male-female relations are ‘naturally’ like. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2014, 6:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-have-you-ever-had-relationship-problems-with-men-threatened-by-your-competence/684530/56 "2014-03-28T06:25:49Z")
My wife with a PhD from the top university in Japan, has many friends who have had difficulty finding partners because many men don’t like women who are more educated than they are. If I had it all over, I wouldn’t have chosen one with a PhD, either. Academia pay sucks big time, especially for non tenured slots. Just kidding, of course. ---
**Author:** ![Arabella\_Flynn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8491ac/32.png) [@Arabella\_Flynn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arabella_Flynn)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2014, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-have-you-ever-had-relationship-problems-with-men-threatened-by-your-competence/684530/57 "2014-03-29T02:46:19Z")
No. If he has a problem with my competence, he doesn’t get to be in a relationship with me. It’s generally something people figure out within the first couple of conversations. I am not good at keeping my mouth shut when I know something, and I’m really not good at not asking questions and learning things in order to be more competent in the future. Conversely, I don’t have a problem with competent men, even if their competence runs over into traditionally ‘feminine’ areas. Hell, I like guys who dig ‘girl’ things like fashion and makeup, and I’m glad straight men in my age group are feeling increasingly free to pick this stuff up. It’s one more thing we’d have in common. ---
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2014, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-have-you-ever-had-relationship-problems-with-men-threatened-by-your-competence/684530/58 "2014-03-29T03:17:37Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Straight women of the Dope: Have you ever been in a relationship with a man who was threatened by your competence, particularly in stereotypically male fields? If so, did he ever get better? Yes, sort of. All the men with whom I have been romantically involved have believed they should be as proficient in the Manly Homemaking Arts as am I. Men who would never presume to fit a sleeve from one pattern into the bodice of another believe they should be as capable as I in cutting wallboard around a non-square window frame. In every case but one, this has caused significant stress. None has ever failed to take pride in mastery of the Womanly Homemaking Arts. All the men in my life have taken pride in knowing how to cook and clean and sew. I have never allowed any man in my life to do my laundry more than once. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-have-you-ever-had-relationship-problems-with-men-threatened-by-your-competence/684530.md?page=2)