# Straight women in relationships: do you make a plate for your men at parties/dinners? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 18, 2013, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293 "2013-06-18T18:58:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![AngelSoft](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/angelsoft/32/440_2.png) [@AngelSoft](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AngelSoft)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2013, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/41 "2013-06-18T21:55:14Z")
I voted No, but was inclined towards Hell No. One of the reasons things in my last marriage blew up was because he felt I wasn’t being a ‘good wife’. I was supposed to plate up his food, bring him a beer, ask him if he needed anything. Of course I refused, telling him that he was a grown man and more than capable of serving himself food. He took this as a personal insult and just more ‘proof’ that I didn’t love him as much as he loved me. For the record, whenever he would make dinner, he would make me a plate and while I thanked him, I thought it was a bit weird and not necessary. ---
**Author:** ![Antigen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/848f3c/32.png) [@Antigen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antigen)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2013, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/42 "2013-06-18T22:08:34Z")
I have never done it at parties or buffets, because I don’t presume to know what he feels like eating. It’s just the two of us at home, and I’ll sometimes plate up our dinners and carry those two plates over to where we’ll eat, but that’s different. He’s usually off doing something while I’m cooking, and it seems weird for me to leave a pork chop in the pan for him to get it himself. Especially since it’ll need defending from the cats. Easier to make up two plates, bring them to the dining room or the family room, and tell him dinner’s ready. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2013, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/43 "2013-06-18T22:09:42Z")
> [@Lynn\_Bodoni](#): > > Hell no, and ice cream. > > My husband’s family is VERY into the “women should make the plates for their husbands and kids at meals”, and this is especially true at family gatherings. My husband tried to get me to make a plate for him when we were first married, and particularly when we went to see his folks. I was willing to make a plate for our daughter, when she was too young to do it herself. And when my husband broke his foot, I made plates for him, and brought him stuff so that he didn’t have to get up, and made him chocolate milk so he’d get enough calcium. But I’m his wife, not his servant, and if he’s in good health, he can damn well make his own plate. > > Now, I can see that it might be practical for one person in a family to plate meals when it’s a big gathering, and there’s not enough room for everyone to gather in the kitchen. So go ahead and make plates for Suzy, and Johnny, and Bubba, and a spouse. But I don’t think it’s a good idea for just one sex or the other to make plates for the whole family. This is just one of the reasons why I refuse to go to my husband’s family gatherings…another reason is that most everyone chain smokes. My husband says that this tradition is dying out in his family, and about time, too. [innocent face] Which tradition is dying out – the wimmenfolk serving, or the chain smoking? [/innocent face] ---
**Author:** ![papergirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/aca169/32.png) [@papergirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/papergirl)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2013, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/44 "2013-06-18T22:35:49Z")
I’d probably go with “Hell no” barring the occasional broken ankle or such. I may possibly bring him a soda if he’s sitting on the porch or by the bonfire, just to be a nice girlfriend. I had an SO who would bring a plate to me at home, even after I repeatedly said “no thanks”…I found it condescending and rude. I want to pick my OWN piece of pizza, for heaven’s sake. I don’t want to pick anyone’s food. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2013, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/45 "2013-06-18T22:42:19Z")
I didn’t get to vote, not being a straight woman. It all sounds really sweet and attentive, etc., but really, I can get my own food. ---
**Author:** ![Lasciel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e79b87/32.png) [@Lasciel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lasciel)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2013, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/46 "2013-06-18T22:42:59Z")
Fuck NO! He’s got hands, he’s got feet, he knows what he wants, and I’m not a servant or a waitress. Now, I will say that at family gatherings (my very southern family, and my very Dutch inlaws) the able-bodied people jockey madly for the \*\*honor \*\*of helping the elderly people plate their food, which basically means walking beside them and filling the plate as they point to what and how much they want on the buffet. Oddly enough, as much as I get indignant about serving for my spouse, I do feel kind of proud to get picked to plate for my old relatives. Funny how that works. ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2013, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/47 "2013-06-18T23:28:03Z")
I don’t mind doing it, but there’s no expectation that I do so all the time. Sometimes when we’re eating with my extended family, it is expected that I play the role of the dutiful wife (to be). He’s very uncomfortable with it (the fact that the men just lounge around while the women do all the work) but I told him that it’s better if we just accept that this is the way things are done in many Korean families. ---
**Author:** ![Gary\_Robson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gary_robson/32/3448_2.png) [@Gary\_Robson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_Robson)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2013, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/48 "2013-06-18T23:52:08Z")
Wow. Looking at the poll and reading the results give two very different impressions. It appears to all come down to expectations. Nobody wants to be _expected_ to serve someone else, but the harsh reactions from some of you ladies surprise me. My wife and I usually get our own food, but sometimes she’s busy and I get her a plate. Sometimes I’m busy and she gets me a plate. It’s just a nice thing to do. ---
**Author:** ![ZenBeam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/3ab097/32.png) [@ZenBeam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZenBeam)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/49 "2013-06-19T00:15:16Z")
I’m a guy, so I didn’t vote, myself. I did, however, make my wife come over and pick out a dessert selection for me. Had her click on it and everything. 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![rhubarbarin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eb9ed0/32.png) [@rhubarbarin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rhubarbarin)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/50 "2013-06-19T00:16:49Z")
Not as a matter of course, no. If asked, sure. I’ve done it for plenty of people before (family, friends, my ex). My boyfriend now wouldn’t appreciate me playing mommy in such a way. He’d be glad to get me anything I asked for, of course, and vice versa. ETA: I just realized though, if I’m preparing a meal at home, I always plate up the food. Because I don’t own any serving dishes or utensils. 🙂 ETA2: I also prefer to do both cooking and clean up. I wouldn’t say I’m traditional, more just anal (and don’t dislike doing dishes). ---
**Author:** ![Zjestika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/8edcca/32.png) [@Zjestika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zjestika)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/51 "2013-06-19T00:21:18Z")
Probably not. But I make my husband and child’s plate at home. But at a party I’d think he’d want to go through the buffet himself to see what they have. If he asked me, sure I’ll make a plate for him or anyone. ---
**Author:** ![EmAnJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d2c977/32.png) [@EmAnJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmAnJ)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/52 "2013-06-19T00:30:09Z")
> [@congodwarf](#): > > Sure, I’ll do it and I’m not a southern woman, far from it in fact having been in MA for 31 of my 33 years and even farther north for the other 2. > > My fiance is totally able bodied and doesn’t expect me to get him his food. He always makes his first plate. But, if I know he liked something particularly and would like seconds, I will offer to get it for him. He will do the same for me though. It’s the same when we’re at home. Whichever of us gets up first will offer to get something for the other. I am similar to this. I’m not southern (I’m Canadian) and we’ve been together for 12 years. I’ll do it on the rare occasion, and then if I’m going back and he wants more of something. But he does it for me as well. ---
**Author:** ![phouka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c5a1d2/32.png) [@phouka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phouka)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/53 "2013-06-19T00:36:26Z")
I voted “Sometimes” and “Hell NO!”. “Hell NO!” is for the able-bodied males whose attention is not occupied by anything pressing. “Sometimes” is for my father. He’s getting fragile and ornery, and I would rather bring him a plate of food so that he’ll actually eat. The complicating factor is that this tends to reinforce his re-emerging dementia-driven chauvinism that because I am his female offspring, _of course_ I will serve him, and it’s not necessary to treat me with as much consideration as he would a server at a restaurant. ---
**Author:** ![vix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/a88e4f/32.png) [@vix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vix)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/54 "2013-06-19T00:39:19Z")
My husband likes to choose his own food, so I would not serve him at a party or a buffet. If I’m going back for seconds, I would ask if he wants anything and grab that for him, and vice versa. At home, I might make him a plate if he’s serving the kids. I have no objection to serving people under certain circumstances. My father hosts many of our family’s holiday gatherings and loves to cook elaborate meals. The first several courses (usually hot and cold antipasti, soup, pasta) are designed to be small and my father only cooks enough for a small serving for each person. I usually plate the food to avoid the problem of passing the serving dish and running out before everyone gets some. A certain ungrateful family member likes to complain that she never gets enough. Yeeeeeah, it’s a five-course meal that’s better than what you get in most restaurants and you didn’t contribute at all to the cost, the preparation or the clean up. Eat what you are served and STFU. ---
**Author:** ![not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/not_what_you_d_expect/32/3246_2.png) [@not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/not_what_you_d_expect)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/55 "2013-06-19T00:43:42Z")
I voted no, but wouldn’t have a problem doing it for him if he wanted me to. He just never wants me to. He actually makes my plate for me every night. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/56 "2013-06-19T00:44:21Z")
If we’re at home, usually whoever cooks plates up the food for both of us because the other person is usually occupied with something else (book/tv/project.) When I sprained my ankle and foot and was on crutches for a few weeks, he fetched and toted for me at all possible moments. I fetch and tote merrily for little kids who have trouble doing their own plates, for my 85 year old grandpa, or for someone who is sick or hurt. But if we’re at a social event, and both of us are in fine fettle, we get our own damn food. Whoever gets up first for seconds/drink refills asks if anybody wants anything while we’re up because neither of us was raised in a barn, but fixing an entire plate for him while he sits there like the Grand Poobah of Upper Butt Crack? Aw HAY-ull no. ---
**Author:** ![Silver\_Fire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e4f/32.png) [@Silver\_Fire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silver_Fire)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/57 "2013-06-19T00:47:00Z")
I answered “sometimes” but only because I know I don’t “always” do it. I would say definitely most of the time I’ll fix his plate, whether at home or having dinner with parents or at Thanksgiving, whatever. If we’re at a buffet or something with a similarly overwhelming number of options, I tend not to get his food for him. However, I will send him first to get food for the youngest, if he’s with us, and then to get food for himself. The 10 year old gets his own food in that situation and I go last. I’m not Southern. I did a stint in TX in my very early years (like, from a few months until about 2 years) but that hardly counts. I consider myself born and raised in MN. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/58 "2013-06-19T00:51:51Z")
“Making a plate” is one thing my EX SO would do for me a couple of times year. Not because I was the man and she was the wooooman. Not because we lived in the south. But because I wouldn’t stand in line for free money, much less random crappy food at “get together for hobby X”. I’d secure seating X and Y and she would get what she wanted and grab some random crap for me. ---
**Author:** ![Jophiel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jophiel/32/66_2.png) [@Jophiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jophiel)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/59 "2013-06-19T01:04:57Z")
My wife doesn’t unless I’m occupied with the toddler or something and there’s a long line. Then she’ll do so just to spare me the trip. Aside from things like that, I’d prefer to get my own plate since her idea of selections and portions may not match my own. My buffet experiences are a lot like **Silver Fire** mentions. I prepare a plate for the little guy while she settles him in. Then I grab myself a plate while he starts eating then she goes. Our 14 year old just gets up whenever he wants there unless one of us puts him on little brother duty. ---
**Author:** ![Pai325](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@Pai325](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pai325)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/60 "2013-06-19T01:24:39Z")
No. How do I know exactly what he wants or how much? Should I hold up the line and yell, “Do you want green beans, corn, or both? What kind of potatoes do you want?” Plus, I think his diet is horrible and he wouldn’t want what I’d bring because it would be a little lean meat and a bunch of vegetables. He’s been able to get his own food for the 40 years we’ve been married and I hope he is still doing it forty years from now. And I’m not southern. I’m from Chicago. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293.md?page=4)