# Straight women in relationships: do you make a plate for your men at parties/dinners? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 18, 2013, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293 "2013-06-18T18:58:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/81 "2013-06-19T14:13:51Z")
Heck, no, I wouldn’t plate my husband’s food at a party. I prefer to let him get his own portions of what he’s interested in. Plus, he’s an adult. I’m old-fashioned about some things, but not that. I might do it for him at home, but only because I usually plate the kids’ food at the stove - I might as well do ours, too, while I’m there. But even then, he’s eats ridiculously large lunches and I don’t, so I can’t usually figure out exactly what types of portions he wants, so half the time I just have him do it. ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/82 "2013-06-19T14:17:12Z")
I don’t expect, or want, my wife to fix my plate. How is she supposed to know how much of what I’m in the mood for at any given instant? OTOH, her mom does fix a plate for her stepdad as a matter of routine. Never understood that. ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/83 "2013-06-19T14:29:38Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > No. And the thing is I grew up in a very service-oriented society. Women are expected to take care of their fathers, uncles, and husbands in Hindu society. About a million billion times I was asked, “Beti (daughter), please get your dad a fork. Beti, get your uncle some water. Beti, take the plates and put them in the sink.” I still do it automatically sometimes now (but I do it for all - men and women), and my SO’s family, who does not have this in place at all, are always a little bit surprised. > > But the preparing a plate thing is not expected at all, unless someone genuinely has mobility issues. The men in my family like their food; they’d get it themselves to make sure they got MOAR of it. See, this totally explains why my father-in-law is constantly asking me to make him sandwiches and coffee when he visits. I do it because he’s a guest, but holy shit - I spend more time making tomato/cucumber sandwich when he visits than I do anything else. Thank goodness my husband knows I’d knock him over the head with the coffee pot if he did that. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/84 "2013-06-19T14:38:41Z")
> [@overlyverbose](#): > > See, this totally explains why my father-in-law is constantly asking me to make him sandwiches and coffee when he visits. I do it because he’s a guest, but holy shit - I spend more time making tomato/cucumber sandwich when he visits than I do anything else. Thank goodness my husband knows I’d knock him over the head with the coffee pot if he did that. Your father-in-law basically thinks you are his servant! It is one of the biggest reasons I never wanted to marry an Indian man - I didn’t want to have to deal with his family, and in our culture, service to your mother is FAR higher than service to your wife. Now your husband is somewhat modernized but obviously your FIl isn’t. Here’s another dichotomy. In a lot of the more loving households, a daughter is actually treated really well. I mean, sure, she has to cook and clean and do household chores, but she is often spoiled rotten because it’s known she will have to go to her in-laws house and be an unpaid servant for the rest of her life. So the parents - especially Dad - spoil her and then give her to the family. A lot of my friends and cousins have experienced a rude shock upon getting married and suddenly having to serve not just their husband and his parents but his brothers and their children too. ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/85 "2013-06-19T15:10:54Z")
Not at parties, for the simple reason that everything there is a real buffet and a buffet allows self choice. At home, the one who cooks (usually me) makes a plate for my husband and son. There, it is almost a necessity, because with the tiny things (add a gherkin form the jar in the fridge, add some last second herbs, nuke a Swedish meatball for kid, ) letting everybody get their own plate just takes too much explanation. ---
**Author:** ![Mauvaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mauvaise/32/11084_2.png) [@Mauvaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mauvaise)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/86 "2013-06-19T15:40:35Z")
I voted “Sometimes”. My SO would never expect me to wait on him, in fact, he’d much prefer to wait on me and it’s because of that that I like to do things for him whenever I can. It doesn’t come up much, but I would have no problem making a plate for him - trying to guess what he’d like the most and maybe toss in a surprise or two that he might not know he likes. To me, it’s not a matter of being subservient to your man, but about wanting to do something nice for the person you love. ---
**Author:** ![Johanna](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johanna/32/8318_2.png) [@Johanna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johanna)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/87 "2013-06-19T15:50:24Z")
Also, when I make pancakes, I just distribute and stack them onto plates directly off of the griddle as I make them. It just seems practical to arrange it that way. ---
**Author:** ![perfectparanoia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a5b964/32.png) [@perfectparanoia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/perfectparanoia)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/88 "2013-06-19T16:36:40Z")
When making meals at home, I plate everyone’s. First off, it means that everyone gets a reasonable portion (since the kids aren’t so good at judging) and it keeps everyone the hell out of my kitchen. That’s not a polite thing though. More of an organization thing. ---
**Author:** ![Dendarii\_Dame](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bbce88/32.png) [@Dendarii\_Dame](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dendarii_Dame)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/89 "2013-06-19T17:39:17Z")
Not for my husband. However, I will do it for a disabled family member. Or sometimes my husband does it for him. ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/90 "2013-06-19T17:41:56Z")
I will make a plate for my husband only when I am trying to make him eat specific foods (i.e., healthy foods that he does not like). He almost always insists on getting his food because of this. ---
**Author:** ![Tracijo67](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/9fc348/32.png) [@Tracijo67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tracijo67)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/91 "2013-06-19T17:42:19Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Yes, I’ve noticed that about the servants, too. In my family I have people on both sides of the spectrum - people that have servants and people that are poor enough that they are servants or could be servants. > I’m not particularly at home with servants in the first place…sure, it sounds great until you realize they see everything you do and are into all your private stuff and know all of the messes you make. But it’s far worse in India, where the servants spend the entire day and sometimes even nights at the house and only go home when they have time. There are Malaysian agencies that recruit (exploit) very poor young Indonesian and Filipino women, with promises of earning lots of Malaysian rinngit and having very few expenses and getting to work for really nice families blah blah … then once they arrive, passports are taken away and locked up, they are assigned (if they are very, very lucky) a bed in a room with the kids, they are paid a menial token of a wage (approximately $600-$1000 ringgit per month which is about $200-350 U.S.) and they are expected to work 24/7. I listen to husband’s family complain about the institutional racism inherent in Malaysia and they bemoan that their Indian children do not have the same opportunities as their Malay counterparts (and they have very real points). And in the same breath, will chat idly about how difficult it is to find good help and maybe the next maid they’ll get from a Filipino agency, even if they have to pay a bit more, because she’ll be more likely to speak English and can follow instruction better. The maids do EVERYTHING. EVERY. THING. Everything!!! They are up at the crack of dawn, cleaning and scrubbing and then shopping for food and then prepping the food, then feeding kids, getting them ready for school, dropping kids off, laundry, cooking, errands, picking kids up, bringing to tutors, tutoring kids themselves, waiting on family members/friends & bringing tea/coffee/snacks on command, etc, etc .. all while quietly hovering in the background, not engaging or being engaged at all. With exception to listening for the next verbal command. Should clarify that his family does not have a passel 'o maids … each family has one. For what they are paying their live-in 24/7 help, the middle class can absolutely afford a maid and it is a very common practice. I’d imagine that my husband’s family is probably good to their maids; it is difficult for me to know because I didn’t grow up with this practice and I view it as distasteful and exploitative to the extreme. Full-time (far less live in) maids are generally well outside the realm of affordability for the average American. And their roles are likely far more clearly defined through an employment contract as “this is what I do from 8-5 Monday thru Friday”. Certainly I know that every country has its share of exploitation, both historically and currently, and I’m in no cultural position to have a superior air about myself 😃 It is just a practice that I’m unaccustomed to, that of treating a maid like a living, breathing vacuum cleaner (an aid that you can shove into a corner until you have further use for it) and being comfortable with having that young woman – who likely has small children of her own back in Indonesia, being cared for by a relative, and completely dependent upon whatever she can send each month – do ALL of the unpleasant hard labor tasks for me. > [@](#): > > The hostess is the only one really expected to do that in the families I come from. Everyone else just digs in, so there’s that at least. And the ranking goes from oldest to youngest before male to female, so first I’d serve my old granny (were she alive) before any man in the room. (Except of course kids under, say, 10, which are not really expected to sit and starve while Granny gets her food). Maybe this is particular to my husband’s family, but even at their in-law’s homes, women serve men and children first before serving themselves. In any event, I’d still lose out, whether it’s age or gender. Though I’d get behind the age thing with far more enthusiasm! ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/92 "2013-06-19T19:09:19Z")
> [@Tracijo67](#): > > There are Malaysian agencies that recruit (exploit) very poor young Indonesian and Filipino women, with promises of earning lots of Malaysian rinngit and having very few expenses and getting to work for really nice families blah blah … then once they arrive, passports are taken away and locked up, they are assigned (if they are very, very lucky) a bed in a room with the kids, they are paid a menial token of a wage (approximately $600-$1000 ringgit per month which is about $200-350 U.S.) and they are expected to work 24/7. > > Certainly I know that every country has its share of exploitation, both historically and currently, and I’m in no cultural position to have a superior air about myself 😃 It is just a practice that I’m unaccustomed to, that of treating a maid like a living, breathing vacuum cleaner (an aid that you can shove into a corner until you have further use for it) and being comfortable with having that young woman – who likely has small children of her own back in Indonesia, being cared for by a relative, and completely dependent upon whatever she can send each month – do ALL of the unpleasant hard labor tasks for me. Ah. The maid situation is not AS bad in India, mainly because you usually recruit from the same town you are in, just the lower class sector. My aunt and and uncle for example, had a maid and a cook. The cook pretty much spend all day in the kitchen, but he was helped by my auntie, who basically instructed him in what to cook and how to cook it according to their style. The maid came in every day and swept and cleaned up. Then they had someone wash clothes - but you had to wash your own panties. And another one to do the ironing. While not great, the situation you talk about is far worse. However, it’s not like I’ve seen all of it in India, so it may be worse in other places. My other aunt tells me of a story, btw, that I want to share here. My grandfather was a doctor in Lahore who had to flee to India when the Partition happened (with three young children to boot!) Anyway my aunt tells me of a story after they came to India of when a Dalit (formerly the untouchables) servant came to work bruised and beaten badly because her husband had beat nine ways of hell out of her. My grandmother, despite everyone’s protests, took her into her own personal bedroom and bandaged her herself and made her rest in her own bed. My grandfather took a bunch of lads and a lati (think big stick) and went after the husband…and after a beating, brought him back to the clinic and bandaged him up too, and had a stern talking-to and a lecture. He gave him a job, and while no one says the situation was instantly cured, it did get better. (My grandfather sounds like he was a great man. I wish I could have met him.) ---
**Author:** ![Rhiannon8404](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rhiannon8404/32/17929_2.png) [@Rhiannon8404](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhiannon8404)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/93 "2013-06-19T19:25:51Z")
> [@perfectparanoia](#): > > When making meals at home, I plate everyone’s. First off, it means that everyone gets a reasonable portion (since the kids aren’t so good at judging) and it keeps everyone the hell out of my kitchen. > > That’s not a polite thing though. More of an organization thing. Oh yeah, at home I do most of the plating, for this very reason. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/94 "2013-06-19T19:45:21Z")
> [@Nzinga\_Seated](#): > > Shit. I just realized I did this for years. I was totally conditioned to it because it was the way things were always done at family gatherings. Oooh, I’m so mad at myself, I want to jump back in time and kick the plates out of his hand. [Evil!Skald] I’ll be happy to lend you a continua buggy to faciliate the time-jumping. I’ll just need you to deliver a small package to Chris Christie as soon as the debates for the Republican presidential nod begin. We need his mojo tripled at least f he’s to win the nomination. [/evil!skald] ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/95 "2013-06-19T19:50:05Z")
> [@Johanna](#): > > Well, never mind about straight women. Queer women can do this too. Sure. But gay women doing this one for another, or gay men, doesn’t bring up the gender issues that women routinely serving their men does. Especially, I think, in the case of my young cousin and his girlfriend, as she was more the guest (that is, not a member of the family) than he is. Of course, me being me, I don’t actually care about her. But I do care about my stepdaughter, and I don’t like my sisters and my brothers-in-law pressuring her to be subservient to her fiancé. > [@Quint](#): > > The poll requires a savory treat option. Perhaps a soft pretzel with hot mustard and a beer? Yes that would be quite nice, thank you! I wasn’t debating between making ice cream cake or brownies for dessert when I made the poll. ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/96 "2013-06-19T21:14:44Z")
Straight guy here, but I wouldn’t expect my SO to ever do this, and I’d probably be annoyed if she did. She knows me pretty well, but she doesn’t know what I want to eat at any particular time. ---
**Author:** ![ZenBeam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/3ab097/32.png) [@ZenBeam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZenBeam)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/97 "2013-06-19T22:01:32Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Sure. But gay women doing this one for another, or gay men, doesn’t bring up the gender issues that women routinely serving their men does. Especially, I think, in the case of my young cousin and his girlfriend, as she was more the guest (that is, not a member of the family) than he is. What was his reaction when your sister’s were pressuring his girlfriend to serve him? Embarrassed? Confused? Or did he sit back thinking “Yeah, that sounds right.”? ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/98 "2013-06-19T22:15:27Z")
> [@ZenBeam](#): > > What was his reaction when your sister’s were pressuring his girlfriend to serve him? Embarrassed? Confused? Or did he sit back thinking “Yeah, that sounds right.”? I don’t know what he was thinking; I’m not a Betazed. He didn’t protest, act embarrassed, or get up and get his own food as I would have. ---
**Author:** ![Rushgeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rushgeekgirl/32/3715_2.png) [@Rushgeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rushgeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/99 "2013-06-19T23:20:05Z")
For ten years I made Mig’s plate wherever we were (except buffet style restaurants, and ONLY those restaurants!) because he wished for me to and I did it to please him. I didn’t grow up watching people do this for each other so I was baffled by his request at first. But it was such a simple thing, really. I thought nothing of it. He said it made him feel loved, but I think he just liked being served. ---
**Author:** ![Silver\_Fire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e4f/32.png) [@Silver\_Fire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silver_Fire)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/100 "2013-06-19T23:48:43Z")
> [@Mauvaise](#): > > To me, it’s not a matter of being subservient to your man… Yes! Wow, some of the replies here. “He’s grown, fully abled, I’m not his mother,” etc. I’m at my parents’ house right now. I made dinner for them. I fixed their plates and served them simultaneously, then got for my kids, then for me. I’m not my dad’s mother either and, while he’s nearing 60 and has lots of pain issues, he’s totally capable. Still, I wished to do something nice for them so I cooked for them, served them, and will clean up before I go. They asked me if I wanted to move in. 😛 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293.md?page=6)