# Straight women in relationships: do you make a plate for your men at parties/dinners? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 18, 2013, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293 "2013-06-18T18:58:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c77e96/32.png) [@Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Speaker_for_the_Dead)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2013, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/101 "2013-06-20T00:05:14Z")
> [@Silver\_Fire](#): > > They asked me if I wanted to move in. šŸ˜› I think thatā€™s the point. They were touched because you did something extraordinary. The attitude demonstrated in the OP was very much one of expectation: these men saw it as the womenā€™s duty was to serve them. The sense I got was they they viewed it as their right to be served, not a privilege. ---
**Author:** ![Tracijo67](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/9fc348/32.png) [@Tracijo67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tracijo67)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2013, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/102 "2013-06-20T00:54:02Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Ah. The maid situation is not AS bad in India, mainly because you usually recruit from the same town you are in, just the lower class sector. My aunt and and uncle for example, had a maid and a cook. The cook pretty much spend all day in the kitchen, but he was helped by my auntie, who basically instructed him in what to cook and how to cook it according to their style. The maid came in every day and swept and cleaned up. Then they had someone wash clothes - but you had to wash your own panties. And another one to do the ironing. > > While not great, the situation you talk about is far worse. However, itā€™s not like Iā€™ve seen all of it in India, so it may be worse in other places. > > My other aunt tells me of a story, btw, that I want to share here. My grandfather was a doctor in Lahore who had to flee to India when the Partition happened (with three young children to boot!) Anyway my aunt tells me of a story after they came to India of when a Dalit (formerly the untouchables) servant came to work bruised and beaten badly because her husband had beat nine ways of hell out of her. My grandmother, despite everyoneā€™s protests, took her into her own personal bedroom and bandaged her herself and made her rest in her own bed. > > My grandfather took a bunch of lads and a lati (think big stick) and went after the husbandā€¦and after a beating, brought him back to the clinic and bandaged him up too, and had a stern talking-to and a lecture. He gave him a job, and while no one says the situation was instantly cured, it did get better. > > (My grandfather sounds like he was a great man. I wish I could have met him.) I can see why you would be proud of your grandparents. They flouted many well-established cultural conventions of that time, likely at some risk to their own social/economic standing. It is very difficult to cast aside social conventions and do the right thing (I wouldnā€™t have encouraged beating the guy but understand it within the context of your story) oftentimes because we are so conditioned to the way things ARE that we fail to see the way they SHOULD be. I grew up with very openly racist parents. It took me many years to cast aside the ignorance that they raised me to consider as normal, and every now and then I still stumble across residual traces that I didnā€™t know were still a part of me. To return to OP question, I do fix a plate for my husband. He really appreciates that I cook for and serve him a nice meal (on weekends, anywayā€¦ I work longer hours than he does, and he cooks for our son during weekdays). I do not feel any less an accomplished, equal partner. I love him, I enjoy showing that in ways that he appreciates. It doesnā€™t have to mean anything more than that. ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2013, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/103 "2013-06-20T01:21:34Z")
I dish up every meal I cook and always have. My other half would usually only plates second helpings for himself. If we were at a buffet, I wouldnā€™t plate his meal unless he was tending to a child or otherwise incapacitated and couldnā€™t easily manage it himself. In that situation, itā€™s actually more likely that he would do it for me, or was back when our son was an infant and I was always holding him. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2013, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/104 "2013-06-23T17:17:32Z")
> [@Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](#): > > I think thatā€™s the point. They were touched because you did something extraordinary. The attitude demonstrated in the OP was very much one of expectation: these men saw it as the womenā€™s duty was to serve them. The sense I got was they they viewed it as their right to be served, not a privilege. To be fair, it was my SISTERS who were pressuring my stepdaughter and my cousinā€™s girlfriend to make up plates. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2013, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/105 "2013-06-23T21:11:09Z")
It would depend on specific circumstances, but it would also have nothing to do with his maleness or his SOness; I would get him a plate in exactly the same circumstances as I would get anyone there a plate. Say, one of my friends just wanted some more potato salad and didnā€™t want to cut in line/jostle for space to get it, if she asked Iā€™d grab some for her on my way through. Or if the host/ess was preoccupied with other hosting duties and asked me to grab them a plate, I also would do that for her/him. If I was getting up to go to the table already, if anyone asked ā€œHey, can you grab me a roll, too?ā€ I would do so, because hey, Iā€™m already up there. So yes, I would be nice to people. No, I would not automatically act in a servile manner to anyone without them having a reasonable reason why they canā€™t do it their damn selves. If itā€™s the start of the buffet and everyone is going through the line, it wouldnā€™t even occur to me to make anyone but myself a plate; if I can wait in line, then so can you. SOs are absolutely included in this. ---
**Author:** ![carnut](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnut/32/3531_2.png) [@carnut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnut)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2013, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/106 "2013-06-23T22:23:21Z")
Never have done so except when my ex had a broken leg and couldnā€™t put any weight on it. But I have never done so otherwise and donā€™t intend to start. ---
**Author:** ![stui\_magpie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stui_magpie/32/11010_2.png) [@stui\_magpie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stui_magpie)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2013, 5:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/107 "2013-06-24T05:22:17Z")
Male and single so I didnā€™t vote, but in the scenario as described I would not expect someone else to fetch my food. Growing up it was always the way that whoever cooked the meal would dish up (or plate up) for everyone. Iā€™d only ever seen the notion of everyone sitting round the table getting their own food from big communal platters and bowls in American TV. My mum still does that, even at Xmas when we have a family gathering, except now I help her with the cooking and dishing up. Nowdays because my kids are adults and we all eat at different times, I cook the food and yell out that itā€™s cooked and everyone gets what they want when they want it. The notion that itā€™s the womans job to plate up for her man while all the food is sitting there waiting is just a lot sexist. ---
**Author:** ![jabiru](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/bbce88/32.png) [@jabiru](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jabiru)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2013, 8:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/108 "2013-06-24T08:14:07Z")
I do but only because my husband is disabled. If he were able-bodied, heā€™d get his own. Or starve. ---
**Author:** ![FuriousGeorge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ecae2f/32.png) [@FuriousGeorge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FuriousGeorge)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2013, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/109 "2013-06-24T18:59:43Z")
Not a female, but my wife and I sorta switch off as a courtesy, not a custom. Sometmes I make her a plate and vice versa. If I am making dinner, I make everyone a plate so I make herā€™s by default. If itā€™s a party, it just depends. If she is busy talking to friends, she might ask me to get something (ā€œOooh, they have those little nibblies that I like. Grab me some and a glass of wine.ā€). If the hockey game is on, I might ask her to throw a couple slices of pizza and some wings on a plate for me. Iā€™m not sure itā€™s 50/50 either way, but itā€™s mutual enough to not have to keep score. ---
**Author:** ![BurnMeUp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@BurnMeUp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BurnMeUp)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2013, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/110 "2013-06-24T19:30:31Z")
Iā€™m a male but just wanted to chime in my wife and I will make each otherā€™s plates it all depends on who has the kiddos at the moment or who is busy catching up/talking to folks. ---
**Author:** ![Infovore](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/infovore/32/420_2.png) [@Infovore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Infovore)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2013, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/111 "2013-06-24T19:36:20Z")
I voted ā€œHELL no.ā€ Iā€™m from California, and Iā€™ve never even heard of this. The spouse and I get our own foodā€“we like different things, so I wouldnā€™t even be sure Iā€™d be getting him what he wants. Itā€™s not that Iā€™d object to bringing him something if I was going that way anyway, but he wouldnā€™t object to bringing me something either. Itā€™s certainly not a gender thing. If he ever implied that he thought it was a womanā€™s job to serve a man, heā€™d have to hang on for a few minutes while I laughed my ass off before I replied. Fortunately, he would laugh as hard as I would at this concept. We make a good couple. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2013, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/112 "2013-06-24T19:43:41Z")
> [@Rushgeekgirl](#): > > For ten years I made Migā€™s plate wherever we were (except buffet style restaurants, and ONLY those restaurants!) because he wished for me to and I did it to please him. I didnā€™t grow up watching people do this for each other so I was baffled by his request at first. But it was such a simple thing, really. I thought nothing of it. He said it made him feel loved, but I think he just liked being served. Both arenā€™t contradictory. Did you have meals with his family? Iā€™d lay down money that they follow the ā€œone person serves everybodyā€ model. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2013, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/113 "2013-06-24T21:20:52Z")
I wouldnā€™t get a plate for my husband because heā€™s a perfectly capable adult who can make his own choices. Now, if Iā€™m going to get a piece of cake, Iā€™ll gladly bring him one also, but he knows what heā€™s in the mood for and how much he wants to eat. Of course, if he canā€™t get around himself, thatā€™s another storyā€¦ ---
**Author:** ![Scubaqueen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c0e974/32.png) [@Scubaqueen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scubaqueen)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2013, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/114 "2013-06-25T14:14:33Z")
If I did that for the Divemaster heā€™d be like, ā€˜WTH?ā€™ And on top of that, the man likes desserts that I wouldnā€™t get near with a generous bribe offered: coconut sprinkled anything, pies that have cherry and blueberries or\*::shudder:: \*peaches in them! :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c77e96/32.png) [@Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Speaker_for_the_Dead)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2013, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/115 "2013-06-25T16:27:29Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > To be fair, it was my SISTERS who were pressuring my stepdaughter and my cousinā€™s girlfriend to make up plates. I think the point stands. It just means the women there had already accepted that unfortunate social hierarchy as the norm. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Rosetta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Green\_Rosetta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Rosetta)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2013, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/116 "2013-06-25T16:56:53Z")
I voted sometimes. If Iā€™m cooking dinner, I plate it up the first helping, mostly because I watch my portions pretty closely so I know exactly how much I want and if he did it, heā€™d fill the entire plate. But in general, we each get what we want. His sister got married a few weeks ago and I made his plate at the buffet. At the time he was carrying his young niece, so it was partly out of necessity, but Iā€™ll admit that I also did it partially to impress his (super conservative) mom. Sheā€™s a tough cookie. But it worked. ---
**Author:** ![colleen215](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7c8e57/32.png) [@colleen215](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/colleen215)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2013, 1:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/117 "2013-07-17T13:42:28Z")
We have servants so i never do so ---
**Author:** ![awldune](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c77e96/32.png) [@awldune](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/awldune)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2013, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/118 "2013-07-17T16:10:31Z")
Iā€™m from the South. I see women making plates for their children, but not for their SOā€™s. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2013, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/119 "2013-07-17T16:31:54Z")
I usually end up doing this for my wife, rather than the opposite. ---
**Author:** ![Vita\_Beata](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/a9a28c/32.png) [@Vita\_Beata](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vita_Beata)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2013, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293/120 "2013-07-17T17:31:42Z")
I voted ā€œhell noā€ just for the emphasis. Mr. Beata would question why I would fill a plate for him. How would I know what foods or what amount he feels like eating? I gladly retrieve seconds or desserts for elderly relatives, or those close by me. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/straight-women-in-relationships-do-you-make-a-plate-for-your-men-at-parties-dinners/661293.md?page=5)