# Stuck with an unstable/menacing roommate for 6 weeks, what should I do to protect myself? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 14, 2016, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuck-with-an-unstable-menacing-roommate-for-6-weeks-what-should-i-do-to-protect-myself/757367 "2016-06-14T18:40:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2016, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuck-with-an-unstable-menacing-roommate-for-6-weeks-what-should-i-do-to-protect-myself/757367/21 "2016-06-14T19:55:16Z")
> [@andrea\_green](#): > > My thinking was she is ivy-league educated and has a ‘fancy’ job so she would not like the world to know how crazy and abusive she is in private. That’s why the first thing she’ll destroy is the camera. ---
**Author:** ![andrea\_green](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecccb3/32.png) [@andrea\_green](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/andrea_green)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2016, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuck-with-an-unstable-menacing-roommate-for-6-weeks-what-should-i-do-to-protect-myself/757367/22 "2016-06-14T19:55:44Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Can’t you just say to her something like, “look, circumstances force us to live in the same dwelling, but we obviously don’t get along. Let’s just ignore one another”? Then ignore her! We’ve been more-or-less trying this since her first episode. The trouble is that she is very angry with my usage of the shared kitchen. Things that are largely beyond my control and never-ending (I’m happy to compromise on any particular pet peeve that’s upsetting her but there seem to be no end to them). So while we aren’t spending time in the same room often, she will evidently take offense to my having done something in the kitchen and then she will confront me in inappropriate ways. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2016, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuck-with-an-unstable-menacing-roommate-for-6-weeks-what-should-i-do-to-protect-myself/757367/23 "2016-06-14T19:57:27Z")
> [@andrea\_green](#): > > and then she will confront me in inappropriate ways. Punch her in the cooter! ---
**Author:** ![PastTense](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pasttense/32/14550_2.png) [@PastTense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PastTense)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2016, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuck-with-an-unstable-menacing-roommate-for-6-weeks-what-should-i-do-to-protect-myself/757367/24 "2016-06-14T19:58:43Z")
Obviously one partial solution is to spend little time in the apartment, other than sleeping: go to a library, join a gym… ---
**Author:** ![susan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/susan/32/17537_2.png) [@susan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/susan)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2016, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuck-with-an-unstable-menacing-roommate-for-6-weeks-what-should-i-do-to-protect-myself/757367/25 "2016-06-14T20:01:21Z")
Law degree + crazy = sue you to infinity. ---
**Author:** ![Channing\_Idaho\_Banks](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/channing_idaho_banks/32/250_2.png) [@Channing\_Idaho\_Banks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Channing_Idaho_Banks)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2016, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuck-with-an-unstable-menacing-roommate-for-6-weeks-what-should-i-do-to-protect-myself/757367/26 "2016-06-14T20:06:34Z")
Don’t tell the roommate, just get the video you need. Then, share it with us. ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Zappa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71e660/32.png) [@Mama\_Zappa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Zappa)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2016, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuck-with-an-unstable-menacing-roommate-for-6-weeks-what-should-i-do-to-protect-myself/757367/27 "2016-06-14T20:12:19Z")
What is happening in 6 weeks? Are you moving out? is _she_ moving out? Are you both moving out? If she’s moving out, try to find a different place to stay for the 6 weeks. If you’re moving out, I’d seriously consider just breaking your lease and leaving even though the guy you’re renting from is trying to be nice. In the other thread you mentioned recording the roommate. That’s being thoroughly discussed there - but even if it’s not technically legal, a surreptitious recording of a tirade might stand on your side if the guy renting to you tries to go after you for breaking the lease. I would bet that if there’s any kind of formal lease in place it has clauses about peaceful enjoyment or whatever. Drug addict != illegal drugs, so calling the police may not be a good idea. Plus there’s always the chance they’ll trash your things in the search. And if they find nothing, the roommate would be PISSED and retaliate. Can the renting-guy come talk to the roommate? ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2016, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuck-with-an-unstable-menacing-roommate-for-6-weeks-what-should-i-do-to-protect-myself/757367/28 "2016-06-14T20:17:07Z")
Since both threads (the broader question and the specific legal question threads) wound up in IMHO, I’ve merged the two. Apologies for any confusion in the early going. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2016, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuck-with-an-unstable-menacing-roommate-for-6-weeks-what-should-i-do-to-protect-myself/757367/29 "2016-06-14T20:19:14Z")
> [@andrea\_green](#): > > Fun fact: The crazy roommate is also a 44-year-old Yale-educated lawyer (though not practicing nor did she take the bar) with a fancy job. She was the last person I would suspect to be this difficult to live with but I guess you can’t judge a book by its cover. Are the rents so high in San Francisco a person with a law degree and a fancy job can’t afford to live on her own? ---
**Author:** ![Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2016, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuck-with-an-unstable-menacing-roommate-for-6-weeks-what-should-i-do-to-protect-myself/757367/30 "2016-06-14T20:20:18Z")
> [@ivylass](#): > > Are the rents so high in San Francisco a person with a law degree and a fancy job can’t afford to live on her own? Yes. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2016, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuck-with-an-unstable-menacing-roommate-for-6-weeks-what-should-i-do-to-protect-myself/757367/31 "2016-06-14T20:21:01Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Punch her in the cooter! This is my favorite response. As someone who’s dealt with copious amounts of crazy in my life, my advice to you would be to GTFO. I realize that’s not convenient, and it really is a cost-benefit analysis, just be aware the ‘‘cost’’ side of the equation involves more of this kind of thing happening more often, and escalating quickly. It’s a hop skip and a jump from breaking a plate on the counter to breaking a plate over your head. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2016, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuck-with-an-unstable-menacing-roommate-for-6-weeks-what-should-i-do-to-protect-myself/757367/32 "2016-06-14T20:28:35Z")
I agree. Six weeks is too long. Get out. Anyway you can. (You only need three places to stay, for two weeks each!) Perhaps approach wherever you’re moving to August 1st, and beg them for intern accommodations due to insane, dangerous, drug addled, roommate! I’d be beating the bushes for places to crash, and taking out a big sack of my stuff every chance I got! ---
**Author:** ![filmore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7993a0/32.png) [@filmore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/filmore)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2016, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuck-with-an-unstable-menacing-roommate-for-6-weeks-what-should-i-do-to-protect-myself/757367/33 "2016-06-14T20:29:27Z")
Spend all your time locked in your room. There is no way you will have a peaceful existence with this person. Concede the rest of the apartment to her and count the days until you can move out. Do you have your own bathroom? She will not become compliant if she knows she’s being recorded. She’ll likely become more unhinged. However, you can certainly keep a voice recorder on you at all times. And if it accidentally gets turned on, oh well. You can get a standalone voice recorder for under $50. But really, the only benefit to you in recording her might be to sway other people to your side. You couldn’t submit it to the court and she might be able to get you in trouble if she found out you made the recording in the first place. ETA: She’s a lawyer. Forget about making a recording. There’s so many ways she could make your life miserable. I feel bad for the landlord since he’s stuck with her. There are many ways for a tenant to use the courts to stay in the apartment for a long time. ---
**Author:** ![andrea\_green](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecccb3/32.png) [@andrea\_green](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/andrea_green)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2016, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuck-with-an-unstable-menacing-roommate-for-6-weeks-what-should-i-do-to-protect-myself/757367/34 "2016-06-14T20:36:46Z")
> [@filmore](#): > > She will not become compliant if she knows she’s being recorded. She’ll likely become more unhinged. This is where I disagree. I know for a fact that she greatly values her online reputation because it’s critical to her ongoing succes in her fancy job. I would be amazed if she engaged in crazy abusive tirades while knowingly being filmed because of the risk to her career. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2016, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuck-with-an-unstable-menacing-roommate-for-6-weeks-what-should-i-do-to-protect-myself/757367/35 "2016-06-14T20:41:16Z")
Before you do that, talk to the Nice Guy Landlord. Maybe he can do something. ---
**Author:** ![filmore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7993a0/32.png) [@filmore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/filmore)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2016, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuck-with-an-unstable-menacing-roommate-for-6-weeks-what-should-i-do-to-protect-myself/757367/36 "2016-06-14T20:45:25Z")
> [@andrea\_green](#): > > This is where I disagree. I know for a fact that she greatly values her online reputation because it’s critical to her ongoing succes in her fancy job. I would be amazed if she engaged in crazy abusive tirades while knowingly being filmed because of the risk to her career. However, if you posted secretly recorded audio or videos of her, she could make your life very complicated from a legal standpoint. Especially if the recordings damage her reputation or cause her to lose her job. She could sue you for the dollar value of those losses plus more. She’s not going to agree to be recorded, so all it would do would be to antagonize her. However, one thing you could do is put a sign on the door to your room which said there was 24-hour video and audio recording inside the room. Since that is your private area, that should be okay. If she comes in, she has consented to be recorded. However, the sign alone could ramp up her anger and you’d have to deal with that. ---
**Author:** ![filmore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7993a0/32.png) [@filmore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/filmore)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2016, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuck-with-an-unstable-menacing-roommate-for-6-weeks-what-should-i-do-to-protect-myself/757367/37 "2016-06-14T21:05:22Z")
If you do decide to record your room, get a camera which uploads the video automatically. Search for ‘cloud wifi cameras’. These are standalone cameras which connect to your wifi and upload the video files offsite. This way if she goes into your room and destroys the camera, the evidence will be saved on a server somewhere rather than on your laptop. ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2016, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuck-with-an-unstable-menacing-roommate-for-6-weeks-what-should-i-do-to-protect-myself/757367/38 "2016-06-14T21:07:41Z")
> [@andrea\_green](#): > > We’ve been more-or-less trying this since her first episode. The trouble is that she is very angry with my usage of the shared kitchen. Things that are largely beyond my control and never-ending (I’m happy to compromise on any particular pet peeve that’s upsetting her but there seem to be no end to them). So while we aren’t spending time in the same room often, she will evidently take offense to my having done something in the kitchen and then she will confront me in inappropriate ways. Having grown up with not one but two adults whose behavior matches this description, I can say with a degree of assurance that being passive and accepting the abuse is simply going to engender more of the same. If the primary lessee is unwilling to address the issue and remove the offending subleaser, the o.p. needs to decide whether she wants to stay and confront the roommate about her inappropriate behavior, or leave and seek shelter elsewhere; else she’ll spend the next six weeks in constant stress and aggitation, whereas responding at least gives some sense of control. It terms of response, the best is simply to stay calm and point out how unreasonable and aggressive the roommate is being. Filming her is not going to be of any use unless the o.p. is planning to being charges or sue for some kind of damages, and is subject to the consent issues discussed above. > [@susan](#): > > Law degree + crazy = sue you to infinity. Judges aren’t particularly amenable to accomodating “crazy” in their courtrooms and are liable to reject claims outright if they are totally spurious and unsubstantiated. If this woman was capable of forming and presenting coherent arguments she would have passed the bar and be practicing law or some other career sufficient in compensation to not have to share a small apartment, even in San Francisco. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![Starving\_Artist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/aeb1de/32.png) [@Starving\_Artist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Starving_Artist)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2016, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuck-with-an-unstable-menacing-roommate-for-6-weeks-what-should-i-do-to-protect-myself/757367/39 "2016-06-14T21:16:35Z")
Stand up to her. Most bullies cave when people stand up to them. Tell her the fucking dishwasher is called a dishwasher and not a drying rack for a reason. Tell her it’s none of her damn business how you dry your hands. Etc., etc. She’ll probably fume and ratchet up the tension level but that’s all. If she’s trained as a lawyer and has a fancy job it’s not too likely that she’ll actually go ballistic and assault you, as she’ll be all too aware of the consequences. On the other hand if she ever so much as lays a hand on you, you can call the police and have her arrested. It probably wouldn’t hurt to let her know that as well. Her law degree means little. She isn’t a lawyer and she can’t can’t use the legal system against you without hiring at attorney herself, which she probably can’t afford given that she’s forced to live in a small, shared apartment with someone whose perfectly reasonable behavior annoys her. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2016, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuck-with-an-unstable-menacing-roommate-for-6-weeks-what-should-i-do-to-protect-myself/757367/40 "2016-06-14T21:16:47Z")
What fancy job does she have if she’s not practicing with her law degree? Filming her will only make her feel more justified in abusing you. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuck-with-an-unstable-menacing-roommate-for-6-weeks-what-should-i-do-to-protect-myself/757367.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuck-with-an-unstable-menacing-roommate-for-6-weeks-what-should-i-do-to-protect-myself/757367.md?page=3)