Stuff You Learned About Your Parents Years Later.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
101

Wow. Just…wow.

When my father died, he had gone to Florida to open the camper for the winter. (He hated cold weather.) Mom usually stayed at home 'til Christmas, when he’d come back, have Christmas with the family, and they’d go to Florida together. He died 6 months after their 50th wedding anniversary. They were married in June 1956!

We got the call that he his heart had given out, and my mother, sister and I went to FL to pack. Dad kept a small calendar with all the relative’s birthdays and anniversaries. I asked Mom if I could keep it, since she knew the dates. She said yes.

I start idly flipping through it, and on a day in March was written “50th.” That’s it, nothing else. I asked, “Why is this 50th here? Who got married in March? Why are there no names here?” Mom said she didn’t know. “Is it Aunt & Uncle So and So?” “No.” "Maybe it’s Aunt & Uncle This and That? “No.” … “Well, ***why ***is this 50th written in here?” :confused:

My mother sighed heavily and said a phrase I grew up hearing, “Oh Realname, you have always been my Why Child!” (My sister was “What if.”) She sat down and said, “Well, I guess I may as well tell you…”

My parents had gotten secretly married in March of 1956! (This part we knew- they had grown up in neighboring small towns. My dad had been childhood friends with one of my uncles.) They were both living in another state when they decided to get married. With no family there, they simply went to the justice of the peace, and got married! When they went back home to tell the relatives, my maternal grandmother misunderstood the opening statement, “We decided to get married,” and interrupted - all excited and wanting to help plan the event. My mother, a little taken aback, looked to my father. That lovely man shrugged and gave her his crooked little grin. They got married again to please my grandma!

My sister and I were told never to tell any of the relatives.

3 years later, Mom died. Mom wanted to be cremated, and hadn’t wanted the whole funeral ceremony. The relatives wanted some sort of fanfare, so we held a banquet type event to celebrate her life. My sister and I discussed it, and decided that it was too cute to not tell. We surprised the relatives with the real story then.

102

When I lived with my aunt and uncle, they actually had legal custody of me. I didn’t know that at the time. I thought I was just essentially on an extended visit, and they had power of attorney for medical care, but my parents could take me back whenever they wanted. That wasn’t the case. At some point, my father had seen to it that my aunt and uncle actually had primary custody of me, and my parents couldn’t have me back without my aunt and uncle voluntarily relinquishing me, or a judge terminating the custody order. I gained a new respect for my father when I found that out, because I always thought that he didn’t care how awful things were between my mother and me.

I found out about this when I was about 30, because my aunt was very ill, and I was requesting early transfer from drilling to inactive National Guard, so I could move to Indiana to care for her. It really came down to me, because none of my cousins were in a position to move back home, except the one who still lived at home, because she was a minor and still in high school-- one cousin had a baby and a toddler, one lived in Israel, and was in the Israeli Army, and one was in college on a scholarship he would lose if he look leave. I needed copies of all the documents transferring my custody to show that I was asking, for all intents and purposes, to go take care of a parent. When I read the documents, I saw that my aunt and uncle had primary custody that could not be revoked except by court order.

I asked why no one had told me that at the time, and they all thought they had. I guess they had said it in some legalese that went over my 14-year-old head.

103

My family was mostly pretty great. How great? Well, the worst thing I ever found out about my Dad was this:

When I was about 7, I slept under the Christmas tree for a week. On Christmas Eve, of course I was hoping to catch Santa Claus, but for the rest of the week, I just thought it was cool to be “camping” under the tree. At some point in the middle of one night, the whole tree came crashing down, waking me up and terrifying me. My Dad was there, he yelled at me for knocking down the tree, and sent me crying to my bed.

Years after his death, my aunt was telling old family gossip. She said my Dad was hilarious when he’d been drinking, and that one year, he’d come home drunk and knocked over the Christmas tree.

Son of a gun blamed 7 year old ME??? Not cool, Dad.

104

How about one a generation removed?

My paternal grandparents were immigrants. When my grandfather passed away, my father and aunt went over to grandma’s to go over their papers. They found their marriage license and marriage contract (it’s Jewish Marriage thing) and discovered that although Bubbe and Zayda lived in Philadelphia and had a PA marriage license, it seems that, being the greenhorns that they were, the only rabbi they knew who’d marry them lived across the river in New Jersey, so that’s where they got married.

After they realized what had happened, they just sat there looking at each other until Dad said to Aunt Tootsie “You realize what this makes us?”

:smiley:

105

So I’ve found out a few things about my parents in my short lifespan, more so my mother than father.

  1. I found this out when I was 17. My mother had a very rough labor with me. At one point my mother was losing a lot of blood & the doctor had asked my maternal grandfather whether we save her or me. I don’t know what choice my grandfather made, but in the end it all worked out because the doctor managed to deliver me & save my mother. I ended up in the NICU for a few weeks & my mother was required to stay in the hospital for about a month. Long story short, my mother nearly lost her life giving birth to me.

  2. I also found this out when I was 17, the same time I learned about the first fact. My mother had an abortion before having me. At that time my father was in in the U.S trying to find a stable job & basically prepare everything for my mother before she came to the U.S. Things like a place to live, clothes, rent, money, food, all things of that like so that they weren’t struggling when they came to America. My mom found out she was pregnant when my father had just gotten to the US & she ended up aborting the baby because they weren’t ready for a child while my father was in a different country, let alone a child that would be raised in a country that was foreign to them & they didn’t speak English. Fast forward & my dad came back a few times to China during that time while he was working in NY to check on my mother at which time I was conceived. I ended up being raised by my maternal grandparents, my uncle, & my mother for the first two years of my life before my father was ready to have my mother & I brought to New York.

106

Oh, loads. Most of them are neither pleasant nor entertaining.

The most amusing one is about my parents not bothering to get hitched until after they’d had both of us kids. I knew that part already; they left us with my maternal grandparents while they ran out to get hitched, and when I was an adult I pointed out that it would have been way funnier if they’d showed up with Mom’s father and two toddlers in tow.

The part I didn’t know is that they’d told my father’s parents they were married years before we were born. I suspect a large looming mass of Catholic Disapproval had something to do with it. Beyond me why they didn’t just get married instead of lying about it; they were already living together and planning for mortgages and kids.

107

I’m 47. Recently I have come to realize things about my parents - not from learning new information - but by simply looking back on my childhood and putting two-and-two together.

As an example, I realized just a few years ago that my mother was a drug addict when I was young. She was addicted to prescription pain meds. I guess it’s something I’ve blocked out of my mind all of these years, and only recently have come to terms with it. FTR, she’s still alive, and has been off the meds for many decades now.

108

My dad met my mom through her brother. I knew Dad moved to Minnesota and was a delivery driver for a local auto parts store. Turns out he met my uncle through the parts store and they, on their off time, souped up beaters and illegally raced them.
My dad also spent a few nights in the hoosegow in the late 60’s for drunk driving - found that out because back then the newpapers put in ALL arrests and Mom clipped them out and saved them - I suppose to use as ammunition as needed.
My daughter asked my mom why they chose to adopt me. In the 60’s, Mom had used some birth control (can’t remember the name) that caused severe birth defects and miscarriages. She had a few miscarriages and decided she was not going to even try carrying a pregnancy to term, ergo their decision to adopt me.

109

My dad, who I adore BTW, killed the next door neighbor’s cat because it kept coming into our garage and peeing all over his stuff. He repeatedly asked the neighbors to keep it contained, but they said sorry, it was an “outdoor” cat. Well, one day, the cat sauntered in and pissed all over the fishing gear he’d just laid out, and that was the last thing that cat ever did.
Fluffy!

110

raises hand I don’t…

111

When my dad was in the Navy during the Gulf War, his job was to liaise between High Command (or something along those lines) and the guys who were compiling weather reports. This became even more important when the Iraqis were setting fire to the oil fields and the weather reports had to include massive oily smoke clouds.

Later, when he was teaching in Hartlepool, he bonded with his remedial/delinquent maths class via a shared love of football, drew up a custom fantasy football league to teach them elementary maths principles, and was treated to a chant when a group of them saw him in the stands one match.

When I was younger I just assumed that he taught maths, went into the Navy and taught other stuff, then taught maths after he left. Turns out he was doing important stuff and was also part of a Robin Williams movie plot :slight_smile:

112

illegitimate?

113

Worse… New Jerseyites! :eek:

114

I have two older siblings. On my birth certificate, it says my mother had three prior deliveries. I asked my mother why.

She had been pregnant between my sister and I. She slipped and fell on icy stairs, and had a miscarriage.

It might be dependent on the time and place, but in the mid 60s in Ohio, it was determined a delivery.

115

A stillbirth (the infant is full-term, but dead at delivery) may also be counted as a delivery.

116

You have to get married in the state that issues the marriage license. It seems that my grandparents weren’t officially married. That means my father and aunt were, officially, born out of wedlock. Or, in other words, it made them bastards.

117

A-ha!

kayaker gets the win!! :smiley:

(I was curious, too.)

118

Funny how blocking things out happens.

Last year, I learned why my father finally left my mom. Apparently he came home from work one day at 3:30 in the afternoon, and found my mom was totally drunk. I was playing with my brother. I would’ve been 7, my brother a year old or so.

That was the last straw in a long line of problems.

He wanted to take us with him, but he didn’t have anywhere to go. Instead he called my grandparents (my mom’s parents) and got them to have us all come “visit” for a bit.

I don’t remember any of this. It explains why I’m missing several years’ worth of memories, though.

ETA: mom is still alive, well, and still drinky. I love her dearly, but do better when there’s a thousand miles between us.

119

My father got out of the Vietnam draft because my mother was pregnant with me (I guess this was kind of early in the draft process when this was an excuse).

Following a very acrimonious divorce 19 years later, my mother told me that she prayed fervently that dad would be drafted and killed in Vietnam – I guess their marriage was secretly unhappy.

I wish mom hadn’t shared this with me . . . it still bothers me a lot (35 years later).

120

Before joining the Army in WWII, my stepfather played poker for a living and continued to augment his income by doing so in the service.

My father (who I never knew) was the son of a wealthy produce distributor in Oregon. His father had retired at age 52, and a year later he was dead. The business partners screwed over his widow, who ended up moving herself and kids into successively poorer quarters.

According to her high school yearbook (which I recently found), my mother had aspirations of going to college. Her graduation year was 1929, which is most likely why that never happened. She never mentioned it to me, but it explains why she wanted me to go.