# Stupid criminals, nth edition **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 13, 2014, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupid-criminals-nth-edition/707157 "2014-12-13T21:19:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2014, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupid-criminals-nth-edition/707157/1 "2014-12-13T21:19:51Z")
I still check in with the (now) Alaska Dispatch News every day, just to see what sort of silliness is going on up there. [This article](http://www.adn.com/article/20141212/alaska-supreme-court-disbars-palmer-attorney-taking-dead-clients-money) is priceless. So she, as a lawyer, really thought that this was a good move? šŸ˜ƒ ---
**Author:** ![RID905](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ecccb3/32.png) [@RID905](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RID905)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2014, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupid-criminals-nth-edition/707157/2 "2014-12-13T21:33:06Z")
Wow, her practice really went to the dogs. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2014, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupid-criminals-nth-edition/707157/3 "2014-12-13T21:52:03Z")
I should mention that Palmer, AK is next door to Wasilla, AK, home of our dear Sarah. One expects an excess of The Stupid in that neck of the woods, but once in awhile somebody exceeds those expectations. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2014, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupid-criminals-nth-edition/707157/4 "2014-12-13T22:14:47Z")
[The money was just _resting_ in her account until she moved it on!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VajdHXR3VrM) ---
**Author:** ![jtur88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e9c0ed/32.png) [@jtur88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jtur88)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2014, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupid-criminals-nth-edition/707157/5 "2014-12-13T23:42:21Z")
Unless I read it too carelessly, the money appeared to be in a joint account, and when two parties agree to be jointers, I think they understand that the funds are legally accessible to either party at any time. The parties are running the same risk as if they had co-signed a loan. In terms of the Bar Associationā€™s ethics, they have a right to disbar her if she did anything they found unethical. But it doesnā€™t appear to be illegal. When my mother died, she and I had a joint checking account. I did not feel ethically compelled to turn any part of that over to the estate to be probated. She knew during her lifetime that I would just keep that money, regardless of what any other heirs might think of it. ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2014, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupid-criminals-nth-edition/707157/6 "2014-12-14T00:04:13Z")
Here in my city we have a local story. Guyā€™s on trial for rape and assault. During the trial, when it looks like things are going bad for him, he turns to his defense attorney and cold cocks the guy, knocking him unconscious. Iā€™m sure this will look good, as he did it in front of the jury. The judge has denied a motion for a mistrial, and the attorney is taking some time off for recovery. > **[Topeka lawyer recovering after being punched in court](https://www.cjonline.com/story/news/local/2014/12/12/topeka-lawyer-recovering-after-being-punched-court/16645981007/)** > > Topeka lawyer David McDonald doesnā€™t remember the punch by his client that rendered him unconscious Thursday afternoon while he was defending the client during a rape trial. > ā€œ(I) never saw the puncā€¦ ---
**Author:** ![pullin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c57346/32.png) [@pullin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pullin)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2014, 11:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupid-criminals-nth-edition/707157/7 "2014-12-14T11:03:38Z")
A few months ago, a thief decided to steal one of our vehicles. This master criminal apparently had some vague plan to get drug money from his newly acquired ride. Typical of a useless druggie (redundant, sorry), said plan wasnā€™t exactly thought out. After breaking into a locked house, finding the keys and taking it from a locked garage, boy genius reached the final step in his brilliant strategy and decided a fast getaway was in order. Since this wasnā€™t your typical sedan, but in fact a fairly exotic race-capable machine, the obvious choice was to go very very fast. And he did so, right past a cop. Seriously. The grand getaway lasted only a few minutes. I mean, who wouldā€™ve thought an extremely loud, exotically painted vehicle rocketing thru a residential area at 120 plus would draw any attention? High speed chase ensues, with the authorities cornering him in a dead-end street 5-10 minutes later. Shit-for-brains decides a foot chase is in order and manages a few yards before heā€™s on the ground, sporting shiny new bracelets. Since this isnā€™t our little thiefā€™s first rodeo, and including his history of knocking around his equally brian-dead GF, the authorities say heā€™s (likely) earned 5 years in our stateā€™s lovely gated communities. Hope our little tough-guy likes his new roommates. šŸ˜ƒ It was almost worth it for the entertainment. šŸ˜› ---
**Author:** ![zoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zoid/32/336_2.png) [@zoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoid)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2014, 11:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupid-criminals-nth-edition/707157/8 "2014-12-14T11:20:13Z")
> [@pullin](#): > > A few months ago, a thief decided to steal one of our vehicles. This master criminal apparently had some vague plan to get drug money from his newly acquired ride. Typical of a useless druggie (redundant, sorry), said plan wasnā€™t exactly thought out. After breaking into a locked house, finding the keys and taking it from a locked garage, boy genius reached the final step in his brilliant strategy and decided a fast getaway was in order. Since this wasnā€™t your typical sedan, but in fact a fairly exotic race-capable machine, the obvious choice was to go very very fast. And he did so, right past a cop. Seriously. The grand getaway lasted only a few minutes. I mean, who wouldā€™ve thought an extremely loud, exotically painted vehicle rocketing thru a residential area at 120 plus would draw any attention? High speed chase ensues, with the authorities cornering him in a dead-end street 5-10 minutes later. Shit-for-brains decides a foot chase is in order and manages a few yards before heā€™s on the ground, sporting shiny new bracelets. > > Since this isnā€™t our little thiefā€™s first rodeo, and including his history of knocking around his equally brian-dead GF, the authorities say heā€™s (likely) earned 5 years in our stateā€™s lovely gated communities. Hope our little tough-guy likes his new roommates. šŸ˜ƒ > > It was almost worth it for the entertainment. šŸ˜› What kind of car was it? ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2014, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupid-criminals-nth-edition/707157/9 "2014-12-14T15:16:56Z")
> [@Baker](#): > > Here in my city we have a local story. Guyā€™s on trial for rape and assault. During the trial, when it looks like things are going bad for him, he turns to his defense attorney and cold cocks the guy, knocking him unconscious. Iā€™m sure this will look good, as he did it in front of the jury. The judge has denied a motion for a mistrial, and the attorney is taking some time off for recovery. > > [Topeka lawyer recovering after being punched in court](http://cjonline.com/news/2014-12-12/topeka-lawyer-recovering-after-being-punched-court) Jury members probably thanked him for doing what they all felt like doing. šŸ˜ƒ ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2014, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupid-criminals-nth-edition/707157/10 "2014-12-14T16:28:34Z")
> [@Baker](#): > > Here in my city we have a local story. Guyā€™s on trial for rape and assault. During the trial, when it looks like things are going bad for him, he turns to his defense attorney and cold cocks the guy, knocking him unconscious. Iā€™m sure this will look good, as he did it in front of the jury. The judge has denied a motion for a mistrial, and the attorney is taking some time off for recovery. > > [Topeka lawyer recovering after being punched in court](http://cjonline.com/news/2014-12-12/topeka-lawyer-recovering-after-being-punched-court) > [@](#): > > Thursdayā€™s incident was the first time McDonald has been punched in court. Wow. ---
**Author:** ![pullin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c57346/32.png) [@pullin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pullin)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2014, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupid-criminals-nth-edition/707157/11 "2014-12-15T00:37:45Z")
> [@zoid](#): > > What kind of car was it? Sorry, but Iā€™m going to demur from details. I want to maintain my anonymity and I think it might be unique enough to id me, should someone want to connect the dots. Sorry for the reluctance. šŸ™‚ ---
**Author:** ![zoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zoid/32/336_2.png) [@zoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoid)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2014, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupid-criminals-nth-edition/707157/12 "2014-12-15T00:42:33Z")
Car tease ---
**Author:** ![johnpost](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f17d59/32.png) [@johnpost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/johnpost)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2014, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupid-criminals-nth-edition/707157/13 "2014-12-15T00:55:41Z")
> [@pullin](#): > > A few months ago, a thief decided to steal one of our vehicles. > [@zoid](#): > > What kind of car was it? > [@pullin](#): > > Sorry, but Iā€™m going to demur from details. I want to maintain my anonymity and I think it might be unique enough to id me, should someone want to connect the dots. > > Sorry for the reluctance. šŸ™‚ donā€™t tell us. let us ask questions and then we can guess. does it have 4 wheels? ---
**Author:** ![Tess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e480ec/32.png) [@Tess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tess)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2014, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupid-criminals-nth-edition/707157/14 "2014-12-15T20:32:01Z")
A few years ago a group of teenaged girls were sitting in one girlā€™s living room when a stranger waving a handgun walked in and ordered them all upstairs. Said stranger began collecting the usual easy to carry items- wallets, watches, etc.- and decided heā€™d grab the tv while he was at it. Of course, you need both hands to unplug and carry a tv, so he set the gun down and turned away from the girls. He was \*stunned \*when one of his victims lunged and grabbed the gun. The local papers reported he spent the next few minutes, at gunpoint, insisting heā€™d been pulling a joke and they should let him go. The girls didnā€™t share his sense of humor and neither did the deputies who hauled him away. ---
**Author:** ![Duckster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/duckster/32/1244_2.png) [@Duckster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duckster)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2014, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupid-criminals-nth-edition/707157/15 "2014-12-15T20:44:56Z")
> [@](#): > > An Oregon man arriving in court to face [heroin](http://abcnews.go.com/topics/lifestyle/health/opioids.htm) possession charges ended up making things worse for himself by showing up with hypodermic needles and what authorities believe was a ball of heroin in his pocket. > > The Marion County sheriffā€™s office says 23-year-old Michael Durban told deputies he ā€œgot mixed upā€ and forgot to leave the items in his car. [http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory/police-drug-suspect-brought-heroin-court-27506874](http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory/police-drug-suspect-brought-heroin-court-27506874) ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2014, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupid-criminals-nth-edition/707157/16 "2014-12-15T21:35:35Z")
In 15 years of banking I was only involved in one robbery. The robber presented a paper sack and note to the teller. She filled the sack with cash and handed it back. He took the bag of cash, stuffed it down the front of his pants and ran out of the building, unaware of 3 pertinent facts: 1. the teller successfully triggered the silent alarm, 2. the teller had managed to put the dye pack into the bag with the ā€œregularā€ cash, and: 3. the dye pack had been activated as he passed by a transmitter near the exit door. We watched through the windows as he ran across the parking lot. After a few seconds the dye pack activated and red smoke came pouring from his pants. Dye packs not only contain red dye to mark the billls and make them unuseable but also tear gas, which is an extreme irritant to mucous membranes and sensitive areas. Oh, and itā€™s all released by an exothermic reaction, so it gets pretty hot. Cash and bag pieces flew everywhere as he tried to get the heat, gas and dye away from his most sensitive area. The police soon found him nearby, sitting alone on an empty city bus. The cops said ID was easy - he was the one with pink underwear and chemical burns around the groin. Good thing crooks are mostly stupid, or insurance for banks would be hella expensive! ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2014, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupid-criminals-nth-edition/707157/17 "2014-12-15T21:41:13Z")
[Pure genius.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3SwaOAW3BE) ---
**Author:** ![seal\_cleaner](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@seal\_cleaner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/seal_cleaner)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2014, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupid-criminals-nth-edition/707157/18 "2014-12-16T00:33:55Z")
[Two guys tried to hold up a gun store in my town.](http://5newsonline.com/2014/12/08/suspect-in-springdale-gun-fight-appears-in-court/) ---
**Author:** ![Projammer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/projammer/32/559_2.png) [@Projammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Projammer)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2014, 3:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupid-criminals-nth-edition/707157/19 "2014-12-16T03:26:33Z")
[This](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAG-JxPZcSg) clip makes it into most of the criminal fail compilations.